It's getting harder to stomache this stuff.

Warlock II: The Armageddon


Julian Sands is back in his role as an evil witch out to do the devil's bidding...and this time I was routing for him.

This movie peeved my sensibilities. It opens with some scene in a Stonehenge-like place, with a bunch of druid-like men performing some sort of exorcism-like ritual on a very pregnant possessed women, with a bunch of cheesy looking sacred gems.  Wait, maybe they were a monastic order.  Anyway, they get raided and stomped by some baddies who weren't really defined by any crest or dialogue or anything save (I think) Sands presence.  Next thing you know two of the dru-monks are exchanging lines about saving the rune stones.  Wait a minute, rune stones?  Those semi-iridescent Jell-O mold rejects?  Granted this was probably before we had such informed words and phrases as "cultural sensitivity" or "syncretism", but rune stones were actual stones with runes on them.  That's all they really  needed to be sacred; not the triviality of doubling as sparkly New Age jewelry.

Fast forward to modern times:  Dopey, Dumbo-eared Chris Young stars as a one of two druid warriors conscripted to stop the ascent to our realm, of Satan.  In the meantime, the witch - who was born on the East coast and is now on an evil road trip to collect the gem-er-stones - ditches his zombie cab and steals an orange muscle car.

After he's brought back from a shotgun blast to the gut (chest? whatever!) Young proceeds to talk to trees and use hovering baseballs to hone his ability to use the force a la Luke Skywalker.  This part just seemed to go on and on and on.  There's also a girl warrior whom he shares a birthday with.  Sounds familiar doesn't it.  She comes late to the tree conversations and psychic ball lobbing, but together they work to seal the opening portal - which is a big stone dais, marked with runes, in a Stonehenge-like place in the woods (that apparently no one has noticed until now).

Did I mention that this is in like California or something?  I'm not even going to get on how there's no possible way that the first paragraph's scenario could have happened in America, but now it seems like they happened in California.  First, historians widely dispute the existence of a secret fraternal order of powerful, knowledge-hoarders and self-fashioned magicians, but if they existed it seems their disappearance would have predated the New England colonies.  Second, I think someone might notice a mini Stonehenge ANYWHERE in the United States.  Third, such a place would not have been in California just by nature of when it was settled.  Who would be on the west coast carving celtic or norse runes into stone gateways to hell...which (in its association with Satan) is Christian, anyway?  Wouldn't Latin be the necromancer's language of choice?

I can't believe I used to like this stuff.

Time to wrap this up

 Citizen Toxie: The Toxic Avenger 4

     Try, for a second, to forget that the 2^nd and 3^rd movies ever took place. I know...it's like trying to forget that The Phantom Menace ever happened, but that's what the movie tells me to do! I'm not kidding! Right at the beginning, it apologizes for 2 & 3, and tells me to forget it ever happen. That in mind...

     Toxie and his lard-ass sidekick try to save a school of 'special' students from terrorists of some sort. I don't know, they're dressed as babies. It's all very strange. Anyhoo, the job goes bad and a bomb goes off (thankfully) killing Lard-ass, and transports Toxie to a parallel universe where he's a bad guy. At the same time, his polar opposite going by the name of Noxie is also transported to Toxie's universe. After that, there's a multitude of silly over the top violence that we've come to love Toxie for. Except for the fetus battle. That might have put it over the top even for me. Or maybe it was Noxie's Freddy Kruger-faced wanker. As usual, evil is vanquished and good reigns supreme. This might have given me a headache.

     This should have been the first sequel. I found this better than the other two by far. I also liked this Toxie's voice a lot better. It was deep, manly, and articulate. However...not much tone on the guys body. The old Toxie was a slab of muscle compared to this guy. The important thing to remember here is..It's over! NO MORE DAMN TOXIC AVENGER MOVIES!!!...till this jerk makes another...

I mix in a little banana peel into my weed. 

Toxie Facts!-->

Toxie now vomits green sludge when he reaches sexual climax.

Lemmy Kilmister shows up up at 5:26! FUCKING LEMMY!!!!...and that fucking dork Sgt. Kabuki-man NYPD is in several scenes. He's also the father of Toxies' girlfriends son. I guess that makes him a dick.

There is a play...it really was a thing, it really happened, and I guess it's the only thing I have left to see. 

Dear God, make it rain fire on these dipshits.

     That's it for me. I've watched 27 movies, in 31 days, almost all in a row. I'm tired of movies. But in the interest of full disclosure, here's what I had to postpone due to the business trip: Prince of Darkness, Dark Tower, RetarDEAD, and Ticked Off Trannies With Knives. So yeah...I had to pass on some 'quality' films...till next year, that is.

What do you call something that's half frog and half duck?

The Toxic Avenger 3: The Last Temptation of Toxie

     Once again, Toxie's back and spends the first 12 minutes in a flash back scene brutally slaughtering those pesky tools from the Apocalypse Corp. After that, it looks an awful lot like Toxic Avenger 2. This time, Toxie sells his soul to the Devil so that his girl Claire could have some new eyes. In doing so, he turns into Tromavilles biggest asshole and a bit of a corporate tool. And Claire, by the way, needs to swallow a damn cheeseburger once in awhile ..anemic little skank. Anyway, Toxie finally realizes what a shill he is, and starts tearing Apocalypse thugs new buttholes. The final battle(s) is between the CEO of Apocalypse, which just happens to be the Devil. During the battle, Toxie is reverted back to his original nerdy self and trust me, you'll want to punch and kick him to sleep the second he opens his mouth. Naturally, truth, justice, and toxic waste prevail and the movie closes with Toxie and Claire getting hitched. Awww.....

     I've made the accusation that Lloyd Kaufman smoked a lot of weed while directing/producing this film. Now I'm starting to think I was the stoned one. I never touched the stuff in junior high, but how do I explain watching these movies sober and liking them? Most likely I was hopped up on Cherry Coke and Heyday bars. As stated in before, parts 2 & 3 were to be a single movie but there was so much footage, they produced 2 sequels. Despite knowing this fact, I didn't like this as much as the 2nd and it's nowhere near as good as the 1st.  However, there's one more sequel and one more shot at redemption...but I'm not holding my breath.

 Toxie Facts!-->

Toxie takes lightning dumps and doesn't have to take his pants off to do it. Not even to wipe!

Toxie can now pee like a fire hose, but the green sludge has made way for a more normal clear liquid. Maybe it was just a bladder infection.

Wednesday: Finale

It's...there was this fish-guy...um...not sure what the sumo wrestlers for...Christ, did everyone drink the bong water but me?

The Toxic Avenger 2

     OK, let's get to work. It's been five years since the events in the first film. Toxie is super bored because there's no crime, therefore there's nobody to violently impale on kitchen equipment. Then some insufferable prick blows up the Home for the Blind that Toxie worked at in order to turn it into a toxic dump. So, within the first 15 minutes, there's a super duper fight. There is nowhere else in the world that you can see an over the top ultra violent fight between Toxie and a biker, a tranny, a man-dog, a midget basketball player, a Klansman, and Indian. Oh, I forgot, it also breaks in to a very short dance number. And in case you were wondering, the fight with the midget was the best (Toxie turned him into a basketball). After that, it's off to Japan to find his dad. His dad's a jerk, so he kills him. Apocalypse is ruining Tromaville, and Japans ass needs whooping, so everyone has a taste of Toxies' fist of fury. All along the way, things just get super freaking strange and it make me wonder if Lloyd Kaufman spends most of his time sucking off a bong.

     Once back in Tromaville, Toxie starts cleaning house. And after a silly final confrontation (until the next sequel), the truth about his father is revealed and it's party time.

     The violence is waaaay over the top compared to the first film, and there's just too many goofy things to list. I've heard some mention of it being darker than the original, but that's bunk. It's just as messed up as the first. It's probably been close to 20 years since I've seen this mess, and I was damn glad to witness it again. I'd forgotten most of it, so it was like watching it for the first time.

BEFORE

AFTER

NOTHING MAKE SENSE IN THIS MOVIE!!!

Toxie Facts!-->

Part 2 and 3 were originally one movie, but Lloyd had taken so much footage that he had to break them up. Now I understand why I confuse the two so often.

Yes, that's Michael Jai White in his very first movie. Welcome to the skids, kid.

 For some lame reason, Melvin Ferd's new last name is Junko.

Tuesday: The Toxic Avenger 2, part 3

Not quite what I was expecting...

Howling
2012


So I thought this was some kind of Korean remake but it turned out to be a police drama about a newbie female detective trying to solve a series of murders involving a trained wolfdog, amid a sexist force that devalues her work.  I was really surprised to see a coworker slap her in front of everyone and not even the captain said a word...in 2012.  Anyway, the story was about a wolf-dog hybrid that was trained to specifically to kill the people behind a drug and child prostitution ring.  Justice gets served but it's up to you whether you think it truly had a happy ending considering Eun-yung really solved the case but still got busted back to cycle patrol.  However, I never saw an Asian move where there was a truly happy ending.  Still, she was relentless where everyone else was just looking to get a quick bust.  It's probably one of the better films I've seen in the last few weeks.

A long way from Candy Man

Blood Wars
2008

This was so boring I just had to stop watching it.  Tony Todd, how could you?  His mortgage must've been overdue.  He gave it his all but this was just intolerable:

Tai-chi practicing tree hugger kills a sadistic rapist who turns out to be some kind of druid (again with these people) sentry, and gets bitten by a vamp for his troubles.  Now he's a buff sex machine.  Blah blah blah. Bite bite snarl. Glowing explosive hand rays and bad Latin.
 

Lukewarm

Snow Creature
1954

I'm waylaying my bitching about the Warlock sequels for a bit.

So in this black and white farce, some Americans (a botanist and a photographer) are shanghaied by their Sherpa guide, whose woman was just carried off by a yeti.  The search leads them to a yeti family.  They manage to capture one and transport it to Chicago (?) where the question of  - I'm not kidding - immigration status delays movement of the creature.  It gets loose, scares some woman to death, caresses a side of beef in a packing plant, and gets taken down in the storm drainage system (where it's apparently learned to navigate even better than the map-wielding police).

For a snow creature, it wasn't white at all and looked more like Bigfoot.  Okay, no, it actually looked like some really tall doofus in an intermittently plush bodysuit.  This was during the time when monster makeup was limited to everything looking like some kind of modified wolfman in the face.

I could go into some sociopolitical discourse about the treatment of foreigners and the reason female victims are depicted but why bother.  In the end it was about getting the specimen.  They never did find the Sherpa's woman either.

Cremated over a basket of live cats?

Warlock
1989

Synopsis: Julian Sands is a witch practicing the dark arts who has his execution stayed by Satan so that he can find the Grand Grimoire - the ultimate book of shadows.  He's tossed  three centuries into the future and, unbeknownst to him, followed by a witch-hunter named Redferne.  They both end up in Lori Singer's home...eventually.

Sands was just made to portray supernatural - or in the case of The Turn of the Screw, disinterested - villainy.  It's hard to say anything bad about him or his character.  However, swaddled in furs like he was, Redferne looked more like he stepped off the 15th or 16th century highlands (minus the kilt) than the 17th century New England settlements.  While we're on wardrobe, broad-shouldered Lori Singer looked like a linebacker in drag.  Her hair was a frizzy, red mess that made her head look abnormally small and her wardrobe was truly horrible even for the 80s.  She actually looked better after she was be-spelled.  Well, not wearing those white hightops with black stockings and leather but better than the disco-diner waitress outfit she had on the first day..

Anywho, this is actually a highly tolerable movie.  The special effects are not ever the top so, even being dated, they were survivable.  Terrible fashion choices aside, the film's logic is easy to follow and more suspenseful than actually horrible.  It's comical the things people used to believe about the signs of witchcraft and the wards or counters for them - which sometimes sounded more like witchery themselves.  Now on to the sequel.

Grimm Indeed

Grimm: La Llorona

::sigh:: If it wasn't for the fact that school has been preventing me from keeping up my end, I would not even be bothering to list this one.  Of the American depictions of The Weeping Woman (a Hispanic Legend), Supernatural was definitely scarier (and the Hellboy story from the collaborative collection was more moving).  This lackluster offering really did nothing to define the character in terms of the show's perimeters or even to add a new layer to it.  Also, it made me want to watch/read up on Grimm specifically for conspiracy revelation and I hate it when shows like this make you more interested in to mundane workings than in the things that are supposed to set them apart - namely the monsters and plot.

But anyway, a Mexican-American ex-agent helps the lead character keep some kids from being drowned by this undefined creature, with whom she has a personal grudge.  She herself is some kind of cat-thing, which just seemed thrown in for measure and really contributed nothing to the storyline.

If I end up watching this show I'm going to be mad.

There was no baby bear...

Mockingbird Lane

This re-imagining of cult fave The Munsters stars yummy Jerry O'Connell (the fat kid form Stand By Me) and Portia de Rossi (Mrs. Degeneres) as the lead pair, Herman and Lily.  However, Eddie Izzard's Grandpa steals the show with his anti-conformist antics.  This time around the Munsters are forced to move after a "baby bear" attacks Eddie's Wildlife Explorer scout troupe...or at least that's what they tell him.  Truth is that Eddie's hit puberty which for him means turning into a werewolf.  Lily and Herman disagree with Grandpa on how (or even if) they should reveal this to Eddie, creating the central conflict of the pilot.  While Herman and Lily want to feign normalcy - living in the hobo-murder mansion - and dance around the issue, Grandpa makes neighborhood-enslaving cookies and struts his position "outside the circle of life."

Personally, I liked the show and see how it would be an interesting series.  The depart from the campy in favor of the macabre is a welcomed change.  That said...I don't know.  Considering they aren't projecting a series until next year, based on reception, I feel they should have made more of an effort to make a longer, feature-length special instead of a mock pilot.  Plus, it made me watch Grimm.  

Fave scene: Grandpa swaying to the blues while using a steampunk artifact heart as an exsanguination aid.

Does my head look infected? Does this tutu make my ass look big?

 The Toxic Avenger

     Dateline: Tromaville, New Jersey. Melvin Ferd the third is a pathetic nerd. He works as a janitor in a health club and is bullied and pranked by a couple of psychos. After a prank goes right, then wrong, poor Melvin jumps out a window and into a vat of toxic waste, forever transforming him into Toxie, The Toxic Avenger. This would also be the last prank ever played on him. Throughout the movie, Toxie battles crime, corruption, and bad manners. He even helps open a jar for a suburban wife. 

     This is what I would consider a foundation movie. Films like this were the start of my steep descent toward the B-side of movie-land. I also think this should be one of the first low budget movies you should ever see.  My favorite scene is still when a mans head is crushed by the weight lifting equipment. Another thing I found funny was the  inconsistent voice over. He went from whiny nerd to a bit on the suave side. And look! I still have my original VHS:

Go Toxie!

Toxie Facts!--->

Toxie urinates green sludge.

Marisa Tomei is also in this film. I don't feel bad for not noticing.

Monday: Required Sequel

I'll just assume that's cocoon building material...

Ghidorah: The 3 Headed Monster

I needed one giant monster movie this year, and 3 heads are better than one.

     Um, plot-wise, this one is a bit of a mess. Super Big Important Princess Whats-her-tush is on her way to Japan, aka city of monsters, and disappears when her plane explodes due to bomb infestation. Then meteors, then she shows up as a demigod from mars...see what I mean? This isn't even the first 3^rd of the movie. But, check out the all star cast:

Mothra!

Rodan!

The Peanut Sisters!

Ghidorah!

And Mo-Fo GODZILLA!!!!

     Naturally, 'Zilla and Rodan start going at it immediately. They have such a deep hatred for each other, it takes Mothra to break up the fight...by spraying them both with silly string. Mothra never changes into a moth, and at one point is seen riding on the back of Rodan, spewing his silly string all over Ghidorah. Godzilla, ever the tactful warrior, can be seen chucking rocks at Mr. Trios Head. I don't recall him ever lighting up G-Head once and that's a bit odd because it's one of Big G's trademark moves.

     In the end, they defeat Ghidorah. However, it should be noted that all they really did was chase him away and that's where they end it. Nobody goes after him, nobody knows where he went. Seems to me, that's something you'd want to do or at the very least, follow up on.

Next Up: The Final 4

Sweater Puppies! Dairy Pillows! Zeppelins!

 Elvira, Mistress of the Dark

Better known as “The Movie About Elvira's Boobs”

     This cheeky little movie features Cassandra Peterson hopping into the only roll anyone remembers her playing, Elvira's Boobs. Mostly because her boobs are huge and very prominent. Elvira and her twins invade a small town in the north east after her great aunt dies. Her great aunt, some sort of witch, leaves her a house, a dog, and one stupid cookbook. Later it's revealed that this cookbook is actually a spell book and Elvira the next in line of witches. Hi-jinx ensue and pretty soon, Elvira finds herself on a steak about to be burnt...in 1988. Yeah, so the realism is a bit lacking, but hell, this is the late '80s! Just roll with it. Demons vanquished, order restored, and we get a really cheesy dance number right before the credits. Try to visualize Elvira doing Madonna's Material Girl but with pasties and tassels.

Exhibit A: Boobarella

Exhibit B: Giant Boob Lady

 











Anyway, great cheese movie from the late '80s that I missed but have now seen. Now I feel complete.

One more before the home stretch, and it includes superfluous heads!

I lied about there only being one zombie movie on my list..

Fido

     This is a little kiche movie set in the late 50's after a zombie outbreak. Eventually, the zombies are contained and become controled servants with collars around their necks. A a suburban family finally recieves their first zombie servant, and the son quickly becomes friends with it. Then it becomes a little odd and maybe creepy. Fido, our zombie hero played by Billy Connolly of all people, is showing slight signs of compassion by not eating the son. On top of that, he's starting to show compassion towards his mother, a very disappointed housewife played by Carrie Anne Moss. At first, I thought her character was so Stepford-esq, she was unwatchable. She does move past this later in the movie, but she's still stiff as hell. While not an overly complicated plot, I don't' have the energy (jet lag, maybe) to go into detail. It's really just a mediocre movie with some funny points, but I felt like they wasted Billy Connolly who tends to be a more of a vocal comedian. It wasn't a hard to watch movie, but it wasn't amazing. Best left for a lazy Saturday afternoon.

Kiss me, I'm Scottish.

Friday: Awwwww Yeaaaaaaaah. Boobarella!

It's a chicken zombie thing. You wouldn't understand...

 Poultrygeist.

How does Ron Jeremy keep ending up in these movies? Is he trying to move into legitimate film rolls where he doesn't have to show us his wanker?

"See? I didn't take my weiner out once!!! 

     It's been awhile since I've seen a Tromaville movie, and this fit the bill perfectly. A ancient native burial ground is dozed over to make room for an American Chicken Bunker. Naturally, this ruffles the headdress feathers of the long deceased, and employees of the newly opened ACB are dying off in horrifyingly violent ways. We call that Troma-style. Anyway, silliness ensues for an unbelievable 114 minutes! I've never heard of a Troma movie lasting that long! And after the first hour, you'll notice it's overly long. This is also part musical, so beware of vulgar songs about funny stuff. At least the acting the acting is decent, and the f/x are pretty gross at times. And there's also an oddly long scene featuring Mr. Troma himself, Lloyd Kaufman.

I can't say I'll ever want to watch it again, but I'm glad I got to see it.

Right where it belongs

Up Next: Intermission

Might as well call it a bukkakie film...

 The Stuff

     Does it ever occur to you to eat an unknown throbbing substances on the ground? Me neither, but this is Horrorland, baby, and that's how movies open!

     Lets be honest, Stuff is basically a desert yogurt, and it's taking the world by storm. Everybody's doing it. Well, everyone but little guy Jason. He once saw the Stuff move on it's own, so he knows it's evil. Michael Moriarty is also on the case and I don't get his portrayal. He's trying to play a bit of a hick-ish former FBI agent turned industrial spy, but his accent keeps wandering. Regardless, he's now fully vested into finding out what this stuff is, since it's tried to kill him multiple times. Throughout the movie, he enlists the help of a rather odd cast: Paul Sorvino, Garrett Morris, Danny Aiello, and there's even a cameo by Abe Vagoda.

     Less a horror film than a Saturday afternoon crap show, this was another on the long term wish-list. It's becoming clearer that I really DO need to be careful what I wish for, as I'm getting it and it's less than awesome.

Is there something on my chin?

     Today is double header day as I skipped last night. I'm also afraid to announce that there will be an intermission until the 25^th. Work dictates a business trip, and I'm not trusting TSA with my laptop.

"Gobble, Gobble, Mother Fucker!"---Turkie circa 2009

Thankskilling

Who can say no to a face like that?

     Farther down the spiral we go with tonight's feature being about an ancient killer turkey that speaks English remarkably well. Or is it a remarkably well spoken killer turkey from ancient times? Meh, either way you shoot it, it looks and sounds stupid. And it is. A cursed turkey, recently re-animated, starts hunting down lame-ass college students while on Thanksgiving break. There's some gruesome kills and some cheesy one-liners uttered by the turkey. Seeing is believing. I actually liked this dorky movie because it reminded me of Flesh Eating Mothers, though less serious. Since it clocks in around an hour, it can't hurt you any longer than that. According to Wiki, The budget was $3500 and it was filmed in 2007, but not released until 2009. There's also a sequel to be out in 2012! Budget for that will be around $100k via Kickstarter and if I can get my hands on a copy, you bet your ass we'll be reviewing that next October.

And the best one-liner? "You just got stuffed!!!"

Friday: Speaking of Stuff.....

“I love wieners, but I hate dicks”

Dahmer Vs. Gacy

Well, what do you expect with a movie title like this? And yes, that really is the title.

     Long dorky story short, Dahmer and Gacy have been cloned in order to create the perfect killing machine for the military. They break free and go on nationwide killing spree. They really hate each other and soon it becomes clear that they're going to go at each other. One likes to eat people, the other likes to eat people AND fuck their dead corpses

     And then there's Ringo, God's retarded drunken redneck soldier. His two primary weapons appear to be a shotgun and a bottle of JD. He's also got a thing for Anne Robinson from The Weakest Link. God talks to him through a radio and recruits him to stop them.

Observe exhibit A: Peter Pantsless

     Finally, there's X-13. He's the craziest of them all and is dispatched to stop both cannibalistic idiots. He manages to mouth-stab Gacy with an ear of corn, and stabs Dahmer in the chest with the same. However, Ringo, our now pant-less retarded drunken redneck soldier, blows him away with a shotgun. The en...Holy shit, is that Steve Adler of GnR?!? Really?...wow. Ok. Didn't see that one coming. Anyway, The End....till the cliffhanger involving Charles Manson and a butcher knife. I thought this was rather stupid considering Manson never actually killed anyone. All the murders were done by his disciples. Whatevs.

Thursday: I've always felt that turkeys were the most evil bird....

 Transylvania 6-5000

     This will be the ONLY Jeff Goldblum film in this year's horror run. And with any luck, it'll be the last movie I ever see with Ed Begley Jr. EVER. Both play straight men in this film and that may be too much. Everyone else was is much more entertaining. Carol Kane and Michael Richards nearly steal the show and Geena Davis gives me that 'special' feeling. Her part is pretty lame, so I'm guessing it's all the side boob she's displaying.

     The plot is fairly simple: These two dorks go to Transylvania to investigate a cheesey "real" Frankenstein video. They work for a tabloid, and this is right up their alley. The townspeople humor them but they're also hiding the truth. The truth being that Joe Bologna isn't the monster creator that everyone thinks he is. He's actually a rehabilitative surgeon as revealed in the end, but it's a lot of work getting there. As per most wacky '80s comedies, there's rampant silliness at the end and as usual, it's half baked. Wolf-man has a hair growth issue, Frankenstein has had reconstructive surgery after a car accident left him a mess, some lady dressed up as a mummy got serious plastic surgery and “bazonkers”. That means she got bigger boobs. Geena Davis's part has her as as a vampire, when in actuality, she's just awkward about her self image. Nowadays, we call people that dress and act like that “goth” and “annoying self-absorbed jerk-ass”. But hey, I'm jaded.

     This is one of those movies I've wanted to see since 1985, but never really made the effort. Now I've seen it and I feel a little underwhelmed.. But it's not a complete loss:

SIDEBOOB!!!!!

Wednesday: I can already tell this is going to be a stinker...

Close to living up to it's title....

 The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made

     Aw Christ, here we go again. This is right out of the Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter book. A bunch lame friends get together to make a movie, and no one can act worth a shit. I understand why people do it, but from an outsider looking in, it makes it seem like everything is an inside joke.

     This damn movie was all over the place. They tried to spoof every horror movie they could remember, and...and....well fuck, I don't know!?! You try to get a plot out of all this muck: There was a dancing poo man, Jesus Christ flying around on a cross, Jersey Shore military men, and aborted fetus falling out of a 500 foot woman, a baby murder factory, nun-chucks made out of babies (they really hate babies in this film), Muslim bombers, face stealing  a toilet paper mummy, a buck nude conehead, stigmata masturbation, a murderous snow man, and so on...

All this? Same movie. What do you do with this much crazy?

     Overall, this was a silly as it gets. My copy included about 20 minutes of outtakes and watching those was infinitely more entertaining.

     Tuesday means the month is at its midpoint and we're halfway home. And I also managed to sneak a Jeff Goldblum movie in this list.

 Spook Town

     There's scraping the barrel, and then there's hoping in the wayback machine to an insane 1944 and scraping out of an Old West barrel. While this was filmed during WWII, it looks like it was a product of WW1. The sound is muffled, the video is a tad choppy, and I've seen them ride by that same tree about 5 times. Thankfully, this turd is only 60 minutes.

     It's kinda hard to understand them but something about a ghost town, money box, and Texas Rangers. I'm not really sure, everyone sounds like they're talking through a pillow. And if I try to figure it out with body language, I find that all they really are doing is walking across rooms, from end to end. Back and forth. Oh, and they like to sing stupid convoluted love songs about or too their horses. Or was that a lady? Whatever it was, it had a ton of pancake on it's face.

     Well, this sucked. On to the next one.

Monday: You still have to try very hard to earn the title of....

Cowboys, Vampires, and Priests! Oh my!

 Priest

     The Priest Vs. Vamps war, nearly apocalyptic, has been quelled with humans living in walled up dystopian cities while the vamps are living on reservations. The Priests are specialized vampire killers and have since been disbanded after the last war. Now the vamps are starting to go after humans again in the outer societies, which have a very old western theme. This annoys me because it's the distant future and I hate sci-fi western mash-ups. It's also not hard to see a similarity between this film and age old cowboys vs. Indians films when you consider the savage bloodthirsty vamps are on reservations and the priests are civilized westerners.

     I liked this movie mostly because of the Catholic totalitarian state atmosphere. The priests are bad-assed weapon lords that love killing vampires in very slashy ways. I'd say my only complaint is that Paul Bettany is basically playing Michael from Legion again. However, that makes some sense since both films were directed by Scott Stewart. I have to say, I'd love to see a sequel. Make it happen.

"I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I'm into kinda into organized religions."

Sunday: Well, that's the name of the town, so it better indeed be!

Another swing and a miss....

Did you know that half time time I buy books, I judge it by it's cover?

The Phantom Creeps

     ...is not a horror movie. Oh sure, it has a mad scientist played by Bela Lugosi and a robot with a giant head under his control....but it was just a spy/adventure serial. In fact, my copy was a heavily condensed version where they took all 12 episodes and edited them together in a feature film.

     OK, judge for yourself:

     Evil Dr. Zorka has some great super weapon/toys. They can stop entire armies. His wife dies, he gets pissed and starts taking it out on everyone because he's a selfish bastard. Some dapper Dan from the Army is on his path to stop him at any cost. Even if it means wrassiln' with a giant-headed robot. If this sounds lame, it's because it is. I've see a lot of serials and this this one was sub par given the star  power and story line. I'd gladly go watch SOS Coast Guard before popping this into the dvd player.

I really REALLY need to do my research. I've re-evaluated my list of movies and have assured myself this won't happen again. Honest!...well, there is that tranny one, but we'll get to that one later.

Saturday: He's not THAT kind of priest.

Suck milk, surfer boy!

 The Beach Girls and the Monster

     A timeless classic whose budget most likely hovered around the $75 range. This is a typical lower than low budget surf monster movies from 1965. The plot is thin as angel hair, and there's NO f/x. Unless you count the guy in the rubber mask and seaweed suit. And while you and I both know that it's a guy in a suit, the surprise ending is the fact that it part of the plot! Yeah, they went Scooby Doo (yes, I realize long before Scoob existed) on us. Most of the movie includes surfing, beach dancing (no, white people couldn't dance in the 60's either), and crappy beach parties.

     About the killer? Well, it was someone that everyone knew, but largely unimportant. The ending had a car chase, but I missed it because I had to pull a sty out of my eye that had been bugging the shit out of me all day. That was a higher priority. Oh sure, I could rewind it. But would I have missed some amazing plot twist or super exciting action scene that might have salvaged the other 65 minutes of this film? No....

"Just push play, dude"

….aw screw it. I rewound it, and the antagonist in a rubber suit dies in a fiery CARtwheel off a cliff (see what I did there? CARtwheel? Yeah..that's gold right there). The good news is, his death brought the credits! Yay!

Friday: A classic serial turned into a movie. And it's got a robot!

No, it's not Killer Clowns from Outer Space

 Clown House

     OK, this is better. It's about a 'fraidy kid who, much like me, hates clowns. So, yeah, let's go to the circus! Makes sense. So the three brothers tra-la-la on over to the circus and the youngest has the piss scared out of him. BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT FUCKING CLOWNS ARE AT CIRCUSES. Meanwhile, at the conveniently placed insane asylum just down the street, three patients break free and sneak into the circus, murder some clowns (yay!), and steal the clown outfits and go on a rampage (boo). For some reason, they set their sights on the boys and start terrorizing them in their own home. Naturally, the boys win, but here's some random thoughts about it:

     First, I'm not sure who this movie was geared towards, but the main protagonist are young boys. In contrast, it's got a lot of killing and blood, so it's a bit confusing.

     Second, what happened to the oldest? Did he die? Last we saw of him, he was unconscious and bloody. He's dragged off into another room by the middle brother, but he's never brought up again.

     So in the end, I liked this movie, even though it was a bit dull. It reminded me of a great '80s mid range horror movie that you'd watch with friends on a sleepover.

Thursday: A Monster! Beach Girls!  

Can the sequel out do the original?

NO.

Dr. Phibes Rises Again!

     Dr. Phibes has been in hiding for 3 years since his murderous revenge rampage. Rampvenge? Revpage? Hmm...I'll have to work on that one. Anyhoo, he's been in a state of suspended animation, and reawakens to find his house gone, and his safe robbed. There must have been some sort of treasure map in that safe, because Phibes soon goes crazy mad sick-house on everyone's asses.

     Most of the movie takes place in Egypt, and it's rather boring. It furthers a theory I've had for years that if the background is monotonous and continuous, it'll leave you with the impression that the movie is dull and boring. The bland, sandy background proves my point, but the lack of any originality brings it home. Most of the revenge kills are uninspired and the investigating detectives were completely inept. They're portrayed as two silly dimwits and they're totally out of place.

     The good Dr. is trying to re-animate his wife and he's found a way to do it with what can best be described as the fountain of youth. In Egypt. Yep. It turns out that a man named Biederbeck was the one who stole the safe contents and he's on the same mission. Problem is, he's already swam in it and is probably hundreds of years old. So it's a race to the finish and apparently nobody knows how to share.

     Oh, and one more thing. Peter Cushing also has a spot in the film as, you might want to sit down for this, a stuffy captain of cruise ship. I know! Mindblowing, isn't it!?! 

     Some people think this is equal to or greater than the original. That's a load of bunk. The first had color, a pleasing yet strange storyline, and some better acting. According to Wikipedia, there were several more sequels planned or proposed up until the mid '80s and sadly, they all evaporated. But fear not, I'm sure someone out there will pitch a remake and before you know it, an unnecessary movie is made. Yay.

Wednesday: I fucking hate clowns.

Somebody shut that kid up!

Troll 2

     This movie is legendary for it's horrible acting. And it truly is a legend. They once had a cast reunion in a theater to laud how awful the movie truly was. For that very reason, the movie had a cult following. Now, cult followings clearly have levels and this one fits in the "yeah, I watched once and man, was that movie bad!" category. It's not like you'll prolly ever watch this movie again. Personally, I don't think that warrants calling it a cult movie, or having a cult following, but it may be the best way to explain why people like me go out of their way to watch movies like this.

      I don't really think there's any point in going over the plot because I don't think there IS any plot. Something about a town full of trolls trying to eat a family. That's the best I can deduce. Otherwise, it's just costumed community theater rejects doing what they do best: Suck at acting. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY in this film has any idea what acting might be, let alone look like. Also, by the time this movie is over, you'll be tired of the color green. It's everywhere, and mostly in food. Green cake, green slime, green doughnuts. It really annoyed my eyes.

     Oh, and one more thing. The deus ex machina was almost a cheeseburger, but in the end, it was just down home goodness that reigned supreme. But I'm not kidding about the cheeseburger thing....

And no damn pictures. They all had green in them.

Tuesday: Dr. Sequel, your patient is waiting in exam room 4....

Worst Kung Fu movie, or worser vampire movie

Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires

     I remember Dennis Miller once saying (paraphrasing) “you bust your ass and work as hard as you can, but at the end of the day, fuck it. It's just a vampire hooker movie”. And that kinda sums this turd up. It's not really bad, just some scenes are boring, and the premise is...well, this is going to sound weird coming from me, but it's laughable. And they really try their best to be serious about it which might explain Peter Cushing's presence. But still...Vampire Kung-Fu movie from 1974. And Peter said 'Hells yeah. Sign my ass! Tell that Locust or Lucas or whatever the hell his name is to sit and spin. I'm doing a classic. Oscar-city, bitches!!!”

     To sum up the storyline, a crazy Buddhist monk enlists the help of Drac to wake up 7 Golden Vampire so they can do vampire stuff. I think. I don't know, it was a little confusing and I wasn't really paying attention. Honestly, that was one of the worst Drac's I've ever seen. Christopher Lee must have been busy helping Vinnie Price move that weekend so we're treated to a benign twit filling a cape.

My sister-in-law sells Mary Kay.

     Anyway, the G-Vamps go on rampages and a family of kung fu experts ask for the help of Van Helsing, aka Peter Cushing. Yeah, get the old white guy with little fighting expertise to help destroying 7 bloodthirsty vampires. I'm sure he's a valuable asset to the team.

     And while we're on the subject of Peter Cushing, I would like to note that aside from Star Wars, having him in a movie is a guarantee to some very slow and boring scenes. He's just not a very engaging actor despite his classic training. And NOT ONCE did I see him do a flying kick. Lame.

Monday: I've been told it's one of the worst of the worst. I'll be the judge of that.

    

Superman Meets The Undead

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night
2010

Synopses: After her father is murdered by a monster, a woman calls detective Dylan Dog out of retirement.  You get to spent the next 90-odd minutes watching 2006's Superman take on werewolves, vampires, a giant flesh-eating zombie ,and an undead mega demon god.  All this in pursuit of some ill-got antiquities.

Review: I loved it mostly because it was funny and sort of unique.  Brandon Routh was distracting though.  I mean the guy is HUGE.  He actually looked physically uncomfortable in some scenes...like whenever he was all folded up in that tiny convertible, pretending to fit.  The romantic moments also looked awkward.  He and his costar had absolutely  zero sexual chemistry, and it was a disappointing tease to go from him taking off his shirt, to the gift-giving aftermath with no in-between sweaty nakedness.  BOO!

Sam Worthington was funny as Dylan's newly undead, high strung partner.  The practicality of zombie maintenance addressed here was both brill and disgusting.  I'll admit to not fully getting the hot dog gag...and I don't think I want to.

Why watch it?  Why not?  It's got Kurt Angle!

Kurt Angle and Brandon Routh

Proper use of duct tape and staples....

 Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence

     Tom Six is back with more creepy body-modding horror. This is kind of a meta-horror plot where the main antagonist is a fan obsessed with the original film. SUPER obsessed. Martin, our fat dorky bug-eyed asthmatic ass-to-mouth freak, works as a parking garage attendant. This, apparently, gives him the best access to the victims for his “assperiment”. His mother is a complete bitch, and at one point, tries to kill while she thinks he's sleeping. So, yeah. Mothers Day is a bit awkward in that house. I'm pretty sure the Martin's Cupid.com profile reads as follows:

     “I don't like long walks in the park due to my acute asthma. I love pets! You should meet my pet centipede! I made it bite my mothers face right before I bashed her head till it was a shell. I'm very romantic, and love a good wank with sandpaper (I'm not kidding. I jerk off with sandpaper). My hobbies include brutally attacking innocent people in the parking garage where I work, abstaining from bathing and all other forms of personal hygiene, and scrapbooking.”

"Everyday I'm shuffling...."

     The film is in black and white and I'm not sure if that improves or takes away from the horror. In the scene where he's cutting tendons, it works. But everywhere else it just looks like black paint. The dialog was almost non existent and I don't think one word is uttered in the last half of the movie. Just sad whimpering, moaning, and muffled screams.

     Though never planned, he does exact his revenge on all those that wronged him. Including his psychologist, whom he shoots in the dick.

     The only real disappointment came at the end. You're left with the notion that it was all in his head. I found that pretty damn cheap. According to Tom Six via Wikipedia, the 3^rd and final installment will tie things up and give all three films the ouroboros treatment if watched from the beginning of the first movie to the end of the third. So, that almost guarantees one more trip down Mr. Six's ass-to-mouth fetish.

Sunday: Legendary Vampires made of gold? Not in my backyard...

Oh, That Other God

In Search of Lovecraft
2009

Synopses: When a young TV reporter reluctantly pursues the story of the mythos behind H.P. Lovecraft's literary works, she meets a few colorful characters and takes on a cult of Nyarlathotep worshipers.

Review: Well, kudos are in order to them for making a Lovecraft movie NOT about Cthulu or The Deep Ones.  For that alone I think they should get at least a 3/5, but the acting was downright painful in some spots...okay, everywhere.  Literally, the best, most solid acting occurs in the first 5 minutes.  After that, even the decent actors start to lose it.

The chick that played Amber was so fucking annoying and not at all believable as a high school student - and I grew up on 21 Jump Street and Beverly Hills 90210.  Seriously, either she or her parents contributed a fair amount to the budget or else she was blowing the producer or director.  I couldn't wait until she was dead.  Although, she was the only one who didn't look like she'd been up all night on a sugar, caffeine and heroin bender. 

The script was okay but the dialogue could use some major rewrites.  A few of the scene transitions were weird, too.  **SPOILER**  For instance, the reporter and a witch are in a sacred circle (which was a square!), fighting off the magical attack of the cult.  The idiot reporter breaks the circle and the witch gets taken.  Next thing we see is the reporter driving in her car.  Seriously?  In addition to conjuring and casting, the cult just killed two of her group and drove another to suicide, all within a few hours.  Yet we're expected to believe they would just step aside in the hallway and let her leave?  C'mon!  They could have left out a shit load of filler and made a better transition to the car.  Hell she could have used the big sword the witch gave her - which was ridiculous.  Witches don't use swords.  They use athames, which are double-edged ceremonial daggers - usually blunted - and would be about 1/4 of the size of that thing.

I give it a 2.5 out of 5.

She's not misunderstood, she's just a bitch!

 Devil Girl From Mars

     Awwww Yeah. Black and white. Just the way I like 'em. This 76 min. beast was born and raised in the UK in 1954. There's nobody famous worth mentioning other than Patricia Laffan. And the only reason she catches my eye (other than her stunning costume), is because she's 93 and still alive as of writing this. And without a doubt, she has one of the best female villain costumes I've ever laid eyes on. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that her PVC cape and helmet inspired Darth Vaders own BDSM wardrobe.

Putting the XXX back in in Sexy!

      The semi-dominatrix costume lives up to the characters back story. The war of the sexes was taken to a literal conclusion on her planet, and the women won. Now, men are pretty much scum. And she's a heartless bitch. They won the war so hard, that most males are dead, and now they need good breeding stock. So she's an undersexed heartless bitch. So she lands next to an inn, and starts looking for Johns. She's also a cameo queen. She just shows up in the inn whenever she wants, taunts them, then leaves. In the meantime, this inn has more drama brewing than Oakdale and Salem combined. She also brought her favorite robo-pet, whom I'll refer to as Marklar. He's dumpy and lame. I don't like him so I'm not going to talk about him anymore.

     The rest of the plot is pretty simple: Get on her ship, blow it up when it's in the air, and all man and woman kind will live free from tyranny of the evil Feminazis of Mars. Yay.

     On a side note, there were two things I found interesting about this film The first is the sound quality. It's really amazing for it's time, and I'm betting it's due to remastering. The second thing is the exploding ship. Rather than fire and sparks, they used a water technique that a bit hard to explain, but it includes placing a camera below water in some sort of clear container and filming the water 'plumes' as foreign materials are introduced. Think of adding dye to water, but much more dense and heavy.

     Not a bad film for it's time. It makes a great late night movie for insomniacs like myself. Let's see what's up for Saturday: What has 100 legs and is a sequel?  

The Monster of 63rd Street

H.H. Holmes: America's First Serial Killer
2003

Synopses: The life and crimes of Mr. Mudgett, doctor, con artist, polygamist, architect and murderer. 

Review: Well, as documentaries go, it was pretty informative and appropriately sinister.

My seasonal derp

Day of the Dolphin

     Honestly, when I put this on the list, I had thought it was similar to Night of the Lepus, but it ended up being more like The Manchurian Candidate. Sooo...yeah. I didn't do my research. I was really hoping for a movie about a dolphin dad who witnesses his family's murder by an evil corporation that was dumping toxic waste into the ocean. The entire family, while sightseeing the coral reef, was doused with said toxic waste and the father was the only to survive. One side effect of the exposure to the toxic matter was super huma...er, super dolphin strength, along with a new ability to walk on land, laser eyes, razor sharp titanium teeth, and a rather uncanny penchant for one-liners after a gruesome kill. As he works his way up the ladder, one by one he starts knocking off members of the board of trustees with the CFO and company President in his red-hued eyes of fiery death.

     Instead, I watched a George C. Scott movie about a dolphin trained to plant bombs on boats. Does it help any that the dolphin talks? No?...k. Oh, it was nominated for 2, yes, 2 Academy Awards! Still not buying it? Eh, I got nothing.

Friday: Make with the Mars booty already!!!

MY HEAD'S NOT BIG!

Halloween Spectacular of Spooky Doom
2001

Synopses: Zim, the would be invader, notes the conspicuous absence of his arch nemesis, Dib (Dorkus Maximus) Halloween day, at school.  Dib shows up completely freaked and after a trip to the Crazy Home for Boys (courtesy of one of three monthly crazy cards allotted the classroom), we learn the reason: he's been experiencing "reality jumps" as a result of tweaking one of his brilliant but emotional detached father, Dr. Membrane's inventions.  Dib goes to Zim for help and they both get sucked into a nightmarish dimension, born of his imagination, that literally exists within Dib's enormous head.

Review:  It must be said that Jhonen Vasquez is God.  Invader Zim was--is a brilliant work of art.  I'm kicking myself for not going to InvaderCon during the 10th anniversary celebration.  That said, I'm not going to go into the pop culture/cult references people either genuinely find or lovingly imbue this episode with, but instead mention the maybe not so obvious irony.  Dib is terrified of a world that LOOKS nightmarish but is really not much different than his reality in subtext:

• he's a prisoner of his imagination
• his sister hates him
• his father has only a cerebral interest in him
• he's ostracized from his peers
• his teacher, Mrs. Bitters is a monster out to crush the dreams and drain the promise of every child
• Zim is his only ally/friend albeit never willingly

Why should you watch it?  Filthy meat creature!  You dare say to me that you will not!  You are no match for the mighty Zim! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.  GIR, attack mode!  GIR!  Take off those bologna pants! GIR...GIR!

ZOMBIES AREN'T METAL, BRA!!!

Zombie Driftwood

Ug...better jump into this one head first. Well, a couple of metal-head D-bags and their girlfriends visit the Cayman Islands. The back story includes a cruise ship lost in the Bermuda Triangle. The ship reappears and beaches on the island. Naturally, all hell breaks loose with whacky zombie hi-jinx and horrible special effects. And if you ever needed to know what zombie penis dismemberment looks like? Your crazy fetish is there. Weirdo. Anyhoo, the soundtrack is mostly metal. You'd think this is cool, but it's way overused  And hero-boy? He's a complete tool with eyeliner. I don't care what you've been told, but make-up isn't very metal, bra! Oh, and there was a zombie line-dance. So, in a many ways, there's a lot of firsts in the movie. Completely unnecessary firsts.

What can I say? The zombies barely looked like zombies,  Zombie Hitler showed up, and I wanted the entire cast to die slowly and painfully after the first 15 minutes. I don't think I was asking for much there. Maybe the only flattering thing I can say is this is the heavy metal theatrical love child of Lloyd Kaufman and Roger Corman.

Hi there! I'm Zombie Hitler and I'm lame....so so lame....

Thursday: I'd like more tuna in my dolphin, please!

Romania Needs Better Pest Control

Gargoyles: Wings off Darkness
2004

Synopses:  In the mid 1500's, a group of Romanian peasants and a priest presumably kill and bury/seal away a gargoyle.  500 years later, an earth quake sets loose either the same gargoyle or another of its kind.  The monster has an impressive cache of eggs in the caverns under the cemetery of a church.  There are a bunch of Americans - CIA, historical preservation team, clergy - who help save the day.

Review:  This was so boring, with cheesy CGI and undeveloped plot points.  I'd like to blame bad acting but that actually wasn't the case.  It just sucked.  Not even the fly-by decapitation scene was enough to elicit more than a "meh" from me.  I thought it was bizarre, lazy and maybe a little imperialistic how there was barely anyone with so much as a native accent present in the movie who wasn't a criminal or about to get eaten.  Nearly every speaking role, and especially those of importance, were allotted to American actors.  Even the local police chief was devoid of any real ethnicity.  This movie was also of the bad bat propaganda ilk, linking gargoyles to "some undiscovered species of bat" - even though the illustrations in the church texts depicted small dragons (who are some kind of lizard, not mammal).  Aside form the wings, I don't see sufficient characteristics to link gargoyles to bats.  Furthermore, they had this thing flying around in broad daylight...in populated areas.  What bat does that?  Hell, what gargoyle does that?

I'll bet Michael Paré's wondering where his career went.  I wished I had spent this time cleaning my toilet.

Lesbian Vampire killer?

...or just an amoral twat. Whatevs.

Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter

As usual, the poster art is better than the movie

     I'm sure this made more sense in 2001. Or maybe it was 1994. It reminds me of funny people getting together with a camera. Nobody has any real honed skills, but someone can 'kinda' do art direction, someone is 'kinda' funny, and so on. A bunch of Jacks of all trades, but no masters apparent.

     Sadly, Jesus is the least likable hero, and the more interesting characters are killed off too soon. For example, the punk rock priest. He was killed in the first vampire scene. There's a ton of other silliness you'll be exposed to, and I'm having trouble saying 'yay' or 'nay' in regards to recommending it. At times it's fun, but there's some scenes that just drag on and become pretentious with a 'look how cool and hip we are' attitude. Honestly, by the time this movie had reached the halfway point, I was begging for it to be over.

Look at me! I have two earrings. I'm EDGY!!!

     Oh well, one internet movie legend down, hundreds more to go.

     For tomorrow? The ONLY frickn' zombie movie for this fest. I promise.

Oh, it's on, Halloween...it's ON!

     31 days, 31 movies, 31 reasons to put something else off. For example, cleaning the toilet. Skip it, because the worlds best and worst horror movies are to be viewed for entire month of October. Otherwise known as our annual Halloween Horror Movie Fest of Doooom. DOOOM.

     Having said that, last year was a complete disaster in both the Midwestern branch, as well as the New England operations center. Things just refused to work with us, so everything went south. However, this is a new year, and a new opportunity to make with the damn horror films. And we're going to....so we will. First up.....

Monster Brawl!

     The premise is simple: Famous, and non-famous, monsters go at it in a wrasslin' ring. It's a death match, so that, in theory, means the zombies already have this fight locked in. Or did they already lose? Either way, it has a cyclops and a witch-bitch. It's treated like a typical professional wrestling affair with a little bit of Mortal Combat mixed in. One glaring omission? There's no spectators, no crowd, no cheering, and no booing. I'm sure this was done to keep costs down and I'm betting half the budget was used on the F/X, which were also less then spectacular.

     The cast is filled with typical B-grade no-name actors. However, for some reason, Dave Foley and Jimmy Hart round out the cast. Or, rather, those are the only two I immediately recognized. When I watch Dave Foley, I'm immediately reminded of every character he played on Kids in the Hall.

And the ending? The credits start rolling after a fight starts between Frankenstein and Kevin Nash (yes, that Kevin Nash). I'm not sure if that was a cliffhanger or they ran out of film.

Up Next...The "H" stands for HELL!

It's that time of year again...

I seriously doubt I'll actually get 31 movies watched by the end of the month...but here's the first one:

Mad Monster Party
1967

Synopses:  Baron Boris von Frankenstein, scientist, invents a way to utterly destroy matter.  This, he plans to unveil at an invitation-only convention attended by Dracula, The Werewolf, The Mummy, The Creature, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Invisible Man, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde...and Felix Flanken (the doc's spaz nephew).  Already on the Island of Evil with Boris (and of note) are his boxum secretary, Francesca; Yetch, the smarmy Zombie, and the original Frankenstein Monster and his Mate, Phyllis Diller.  Seriously, not only is she played by Diller but she looks just like her.  In addition to revealing his invention, Boris also wants to retire and name a successor.  No one is too happy with his choice.  Scheming and double-crossing ensue.

Review:  This was campy, not the least bit scary, and only marginally entertaining.  It was also a musical and that's horrible enough in its own right, but it had the added horror of dubiously appropriate songs.  After the Monster's Mate catches him eyeballing Francesca, Diller sings a song celebrating his difference.  Later, when the Baron's would-be successor balks at the idea, the doc plays him a ditty about staying one step ahead.  It's like the tunes were all leftovers from some other equally awful musical about raising one's self esteem.

Why watch it?  Stop-motion animation.