Norma Bates: Super MILF or Mega Bitch. You decide!

Psycho 4

     My how things have changed. Somehow, Norman's been released again. How does someone kill so many people and keep getting released? No wonder he's messed up. Anyhoo, he's also married! So that means he finally got some and all that sexual repression is gone, right? Nah...this is a made for Showtime movie, and the 3^rd sequel, so business as usual. For the record, nearly the entire movie is a flashback filler, hence the sub title “The Beginning”. While it fills in the completely unnecessary backstory, all we really learn is that Norma Bates had it coming, and so did her boyfriend 'Chet'. But mostly Norma. Fuck that bitch.

     Overall, the movie isn't really interesting, but the production is actually pretty strong. Dialog, cinematography, lighting, and acting were all damn good without being relative to the budget. In other words, Showtime took this pretty serious. Too bad it really had no teeth to it as it was more of a psychological drama. Who would have thought that with a title like “Psycho”?

     The cast is kinda unique. John Landis, CCH Pounder, and Henry Thomas, best known as EEELLLIOOOOTTTT, plays a young Indiana...er, Norman Bates. This also marks the last Psycho film Anthony Perkins starred in, as he died 2 years later. Still though, a mostly 'meh' affair. Time to put the final nail in this coffin.

Sunday: You and what army? Oh...that one. I see.

I guess it's that time of the year again...

VHS: Viral

     I swear, it's the only 'found footage' movie this year. I have to admit I liked the other 2 films, so might as well round it out. Or maybe it's my mild OCD that won't allow me to leave a franchise series hanging. Either way, once more down the rabbit hole. I thought that since this was named and not numbered, it might be a full length feature, but it's not. It's just another 3 stories with a 4 serving as a bumper wrap around.

Everyone seems to lose a limb in this movie. No foolin'.

     The first up is 'Dante The Great'. It's about a magician that finds a magic cloak that will do his bidding, as well as magic tricks. The problem is, it needs to eat people to work. It's more of a 'Tales From The Crypt' episode with a 'jumper' scare scene in the end.

     'Parallel Monsters' is up next. We have a home-brew scientist that creates a portal to a parallel universe and meets himself. They agree to swap places for 15 minutes. All we learn is every male in the 'new' universe has a hairy teeth-laden Muppet hand for a penis and the ladies had some mini abdominal tentacle thing going on.. It also has teeth. There isn't much to go from there.

     Rounding things out is 'Bonestorm”. Three asshole skate borders and a hired cameraman go down Mexico way to totally film some dope skating, yo. They think they're pretty bad-ass, but ahem...most skaters I've met were NOT gun toting bad-asses. They talked shit, but weren't tough guys. Anyhoo, they wander into a municipal drainage area and end up fighting Mexican Zombie-like things that more resemble dia de los muertos cos-players.

"Go back to Comicon, loser!!!"

 This all happened because they spilled some blood within a sacred pentagram and circle drawn on the concrete. EVERYONE KNOWS TO STAY OUT OF THE GOD DAMN CIRCLE AND STAR, IDIOT!!! 2 ended up getting butchered, but 2 survived...damn it...There was some weird beast unleashed from the drainage tunnels as well, but it was a pretty useless inclusion. It left me feeling like this wasn't a finished story. But I'm done with it...

     Oh, and the bumper story isn't even worth mentioning. This was whole movie was a huge disappointment, and that's sad because I was looking forward to it. Somehow the F/X got cheesy and the stories became just terrible, thin-skinned hack jobs that I have to assume they let the interns write....ah....right. It's the 3^rd movie in a series and that's when the franchise usually start to fall apart or become horribly weak. Damn, I see it now. I think you pretty much know what to look forward to from here on....

Saturday: More '80s cinematic torture...

Somebody just DO THIS GUY!!!

Psycho 3

He wears that terrible sport blazer throughout the entire film.

     Honestly, all Norman has to do is rub one out. Do a little knuckle shuffle and all that sexual repression would be halved. It's no cure...he's still a psychological hot mess, but half is a great start. But I guess if he did, we wouldn't have this film, so here goes:

     This takes place about a month after the last film. Norman hires a doe-eyed drifter that look suspiciously like Jeff Fahey to run his danky motel. Drifter boy is sleazy as hell and truth be told, I loved watching Norman beat him over the head with a guitar near the end of the film. Anyhoo, shortly after he arrives, a pleasant looking young woman shows up to rent a room in the motel and Norman is immediately smitten. After a quick wine-n-dine, we see Norman cut loose and almost get some! But after everyone remembers who they are, things go all Bates-style and awkward sexual repression surfaces. That means peeps gotta die!

     The ways in which they die have become much deeper in the slasher film realm and done mostly with the same knife. This actually fits in nicely for the era but also suffers from the same affliction that every other movie series as the plots weaken, and the repetition becomes tiresome. Still though, not a horrible movie...just seriously played out.

Friday: You'll get my VHS remote when you pry it from my cold, dead hands 3: The Beginning Of The End Of Origins...The Sequel.

Vote Pubert.

Rosemary's Baby (1968)

     I'll be honest, I had a very hard time going through with this film. The fact that Roman Polanski directed this film, and the fact that he's rapist, kept me very clear from this movie. So why now? Honestly, I forgot he did this film till I saw his name in the opening credits. I could have stopped there, but I made my choice. So much for having undaunting ethical standards.

     Rosemary is just married to some slightly mouthy jackass. They move into a new condo and meet their new neighbors and things go swimmingly till Rosemary has some messed up dreams and becomes preggers. From there, things go downhill and weird. She starts to question her daily 'vitamin' regimen, quack doctor, and dick-headed husband while starting to suspect witchcraft. I'll admit, she has a lot of speculative evidence. However, for the next HOUR AND 20 MINUTES, we're subjected to strange coincidences, trusted friends having terrible accidents/health issues. 

     Towards the end she starts to break down and for good reason. In a city of 8 million, there always seems to be someone she knows right near her. But did the build up need to be that long? They could have shaved 45 minutes off the movie without making it feel like a quick & dirty affair. That's how much fat there was on this. But the rapist director is an artist (still also a rapist), so things are long and drawn out. In the final scene, we're treated to grand explanation, and it's best described as 'interesting, but a little contrived'. But in 1968, this had teeth. By today's standards, it's hokey.

     Not all is lost, however. It was never really boring, and the pace was consistent. Mia did a great job as a ghostly waif with a farm-boy haircut. However, she looks like a gust of wind could take her out. At least when she whines, she's not high pitched, though she clearly does not have the energy to do that. Her worst crime is being a pushover to her husband and everyone else. They tell her what to eat, what to read, what to drink, and she just does it. Most modern women would find that laughable.

Technically, I think this is my last classic for the year. I think.

Oh, and Roman Polanski is a still a rapist.

Thursday: Half way through this years sequelgasim? Sequelstalgia?

When one mother isn't enough....

Psycho II

Oh sure, I could have used the original theatrical release poster, but I like this better.

      What's Robert Loggia, Meg Tilly, Dennis Franz, and Anthony Perkins doing in this? Money grabbing for a sequel, naturally. But this is also one of Hollywood's early attempts to throw a bunch of money into a newly ordained 'classic' amid a huge fascination with nostalgia. The timing seemed right. The cast was...acceptable. The plot, however, is a bit of a dud. According to the infallible Wikipedia, this was originally intended to be a made for TV, and it shows. Yet, by the time this reached the theaters, this somehow got a 'R' rating. Honestly, it's more of a PG13 affair, shown on a Sunday afternoon when there's no football, baseball, or Dew Action Sports to fill the time slot.

     The quick and dirty of this plot is as follows: 22 years after the events of the first movie, we see Norman at a parole hearing to determine if he's fit for society. They deem him so, and he's released. Naturally, this torks off the families of the victims and the sister of the lady in the first film takes it upon herself to push Norman over the edge with the help of her daughter in order to prove that he's unfit. Sooo...they're trying to drive him mad in order to prove that he's mad. Such sound logic that isn't debatable. However, someone IS doing some killing because people start dropping and all the focus is put on Norman.

     By the end, we're treated to several plot twists that were somewhat predictable, but not horrible and we're treated to Normans new window-sitting corpse of a mother. His REAL mother. Turns out mental illness ran in the family and she spent more time in institution than he did. But hey, family is family, mothers are mothers, and that's why Norman indoctrinates hes newly discovered parent with a shovel to the back of the head. Hope she likes the view out the window!

Wednesday: It was either this or The Mephisto Waltz. I just wasn't in the mood for Alan Alda.

Veni, Vidi, Viciohdeargodthismovieisterrible.

The Night Evelyn Came Out of her Grave  

Just a note of fact: At no point is anyone beheaded.

     Like most Italian horror films, they're recorded on cheap film, suffer from bad lighting, and overtly dramatic and psychological. And when it crosses the Atlantic to be dubbed...well, that's just one more thing terrible about them. This is by far, no exception. It reminds me of Land Of The Minotaur in the sense that it's boring as hell, and simply put, a spaghetti horror film. Peter Cushing couldn't help that film, and there's no way Clint could have helped this turd out.

     So the synapses is as such: A husband being treated by a psychologist starts dragging home redheaded women that remind him of his dead wife. Before her death, she cheated on him (kinda) and now he takes his frustrations out on these unsuspecting women that got woooed by this Bob Guccione-wannabe driving around in a Lamborghini Jarama. Finally, he settles on a BLONDE and marries her. But she's even worse than him and pushes his mental state to the point of being comitted for permanent psychiatric care. Sounds exciting, no? No is right, and this film drags its feet through a script that could have been a 60 minute made-for-TV episode of Columbo.

     But the worst part is you'll be stuck watching this crapfest for over 103 minutes. How anyone could have sat in a theater and watched this end to end is astounding. I'm sure I would have fallen asleep mid-way through. It's that boring. I've sat through an unbelievable amount of crappy movies and this has to be the most boring one I've ever had the pleasure of suffering through. That really is saying a lot. Even with the super triple double-cross at the end, I was still a movie watching corpse. Moving on..

Tuesday: Oh right...another bad sequel. This is going to be a loooong week.

Time to find out if a classic is called so for a reason

Psycho (1960)

     Right from the start, Janet Leigh's character is dirty as hell. Well, 1960's dirty, that is. She's having an affair with a married man (on her lunch break, no less) and wants nothing more than to run off with him. Problem is, he has lots of debt. Sooo...the best idea is to embezzle cash from her real estate boss and run away. On her travel, she winds up in a spooooky motel. It would safe to say that the rest is history, but it's really not. We also meet Norman, who's an overly complex weirdo and a bit of a peeping tom. After a really awkward dinner with Norman, she retires to her room and hops in the shower...where she's promptly murdered by a shadowy figure resembling an old lady. Soooo, they killed off one of the main characters in the first half of the film. What do you do with the rest of the film? I'm afraid I gave a spoiler up, but damn...at the half way point?

     The rest of the film is the aftermath. A PI snoops around and ends up stabbed. Then the sister and lover show up to snoop around, finds a corpse and that's the condensed story. It may seem simple and boring, but it never got that way. Hitchcock had a talent to keep the film moving despite the mid-film surprise. Maybe I'm making too much of that, but it reminded me of Tarantino's habit of spending half an hour building up a character and then blowing them away in a mostly pointless scene. Anti-climatic as hell.

     This is a good film. It's not amazing or mind blowing because we've heard about it for as long as I can remember. But it is worth the watch when you're in the mood for a black and white.

Monday: Sometimes the title gives the entire movie away.