Proper use of duct tape and staples....

 Human Centipede 2: Full Sequence

     Tom Six is back with more creepy body-modding horror. This is kind of a meta-horror plot where the main antagonist is a fan obsessed with the original film. SUPER obsessed. Martin, our fat dorky bug-eyed asthmatic ass-to-mouth freak, works as a parking garage attendant. This, apparently, gives him the best access to the victims for his “assperiment”. His mother is a complete bitch, and at one point, tries to kill while she thinks he's sleeping. So, yeah. Mothers Day is a bit awkward in that house. I'm pretty sure the Martin's Cupid.com profile reads as follows:

     “I don't like long walks in the park due to my acute asthma. I love pets! You should meet my pet centipede! I made it bite my mothers face right before I bashed her head till it was a shell. I'm very romantic, and love a good wank with sandpaper (I'm not kidding. I jerk off with sandpaper). My hobbies include brutally attacking innocent people in the parking garage where I work, abstaining from bathing and all other forms of personal hygiene, and scrapbooking.”

"Everyday I'm shuffling...."

     The film is in black and white and I'm not sure if that improves or takes away from the horror. In the scene where he's cutting tendons, it works. But everywhere else it just looks like black paint. The dialog was almost non existent and I don't think one word is uttered in the last half of the movie. Just sad whimpering, moaning, and muffled screams.

     Though never planned, he does exact his revenge on all those that wronged him. Including his psychologist, whom he shoots in the dick.

     The only real disappointment came at the end. You're left with the notion that it was all in his head. I found that pretty damn cheap. According to Tom Six via Wikipedia, the 3^rd and final installment will tie things up and give all three films the ouroboros treatment if watched from the beginning of the first movie to the end of the third. So, that almost guarantees one more trip down Mr. Six's ass-to-mouth fetish.

Sunday: Legendary Vampires made of gold? Not in my backyard...

Oh, That Other God

In Search of Lovecraft
2009

Synopses: When a young TV reporter reluctantly pursues the story of the mythos behind H.P. Lovecraft's literary works, she meets a few colorful characters and takes on a cult of Nyarlathotep worshipers.

Review: Well, kudos are in order to them for making a Lovecraft movie NOT about Cthulu or The Deep Ones.  For that alone I think they should get at least a 3/5, but the acting was downright painful in some spots...okay, everywhere.  Literally, the best, most solid acting occurs in the first 5 minutes.  After that, even the decent actors start to lose it.

The chick that played Amber was so fucking annoying and not at all believable as a high school student - and I grew up on 21 Jump Street and Beverly Hills 90210.  Seriously, either she or her parents contributed a fair amount to the budget or else she was blowing the producer or director.  I couldn't wait until she was dead.  Although, she was the only one who didn't look like she'd been up all night on a sugar, caffeine and heroin bender. 

The script was okay but the dialogue could use some major rewrites.  A few of the scene transitions were weird, too.  **SPOILER**  For instance, the reporter and a witch are in a sacred circle (which was a square!), fighting off the magical attack of the cult.  The idiot reporter breaks the circle and the witch gets taken.  Next thing we see is the reporter driving in her car.  Seriously?  In addition to conjuring and casting, the cult just killed two of her group and drove another to suicide, all within a few hours.  Yet we're expected to believe they would just step aside in the hallway and let her leave?  C'mon!  They could have left out a shit load of filler and made a better transition to the car.  Hell she could have used the big sword the witch gave her - which was ridiculous.  Witches don't use swords.  They use athames, which are double-edged ceremonial daggers - usually blunted - and would be about 1/4 of the size of that thing.

I give it a 2.5 out of 5.

She's not misunderstood, she's just a bitch!

 Devil Girl From Mars

     Awwww Yeah. Black and white. Just the way I like 'em. This 76 min. beast was born and raised in the UK in 1954. There's nobody famous worth mentioning other than Patricia Laffan. And the only reason she catches my eye (other than her stunning costume), is because she's 93 and still alive as of writing this. And without a doubt, she has one of the best female villain costumes I've ever laid eyes on. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that her PVC cape and helmet inspired Darth Vaders own BDSM wardrobe.

Putting the XXX back in in Sexy!

      The semi-dominatrix costume lives up to the characters back story. The war of the sexes was taken to a literal conclusion on her planet, and the women won. Now, men are pretty much scum. And she's a heartless bitch. They won the war so hard, that most males are dead, and now they need good breeding stock. So she's an undersexed heartless bitch. So she lands next to an inn, and starts looking for Johns. She's also a cameo queen. She just shows up in the inn whenever she wants, taunts them, then leaves. In the meantime, this inn has more drama brewing than Oakdale and Salem combined. She also brought her favorite robo-pet, whom I'll refer to as Marklar. He's dumpy and lame. I don't like him so I'm not going to talk about him anymore.

     The rest of the plot is pretty simple: Get on her ship, blow it up when it's in the air, and all man and woman kind will live free from tyranny of the evil Feminazis of Mars. Yay.

     On a side note, there were two things I found interesting about this film The first is the sound quality. It's really amazing for it's time, and I'm betting it's due to remastering. The second thing is the exploding ship. Rather than fire and sparks, they used a water technique that a bit hard to explain, but it includes placing a camera below water in some sort of clear container and filming the water 'plumes' as foreign materials are introduced. Think of adding dye to water, but much more dense and heavy.

     Not a bad film for it's time. It makes a great late night movie for insomniacs like myself. Let's see what's up for Saturday: What has 100 legs and is a sequel?  

The Monster of 63rd Street

H.H. Holmes: America's First Serial Killer
2003

Synopses: The life and crimes of Mr. Mudgett, doctor, con artist, polygamist, architect and murderer. 

Review: Well, as documentaries go, it was pretty informative and appropriately sinister.

My seasonal derp

Day of the Dolphin

     Honestly, when I put this on the list, I had thought it was similar to Night of the Lepus, but it ended up being more like The Manchurian Candidate. Sooo...yeah. I didn't do my research. I was really hoping for a movie about a dolphin dad who witnesses his family's murder by an evil corporation that was dumping toxic waste into the ocean. The entire family, while sightseeing the coral reef, was doused with said toxic waste and the father was the only to survive. One side effect of the exposure to the toxic matter was super huma...er, super dolphin strength, along with a new ability to walk on land, laser eyes, razor sharp titanium teeth, and a rather uncanny penchant for one-liners after a gruesome kill. As he works his way up the ladder, one by one he starts knocking off members of the board of trustees with the CFO and company President in his red-hued eyes of fiery death.

     Instead, I watched a George C. Scott movie about a dolphin trained to plant bombs on boats. Does it help any that the dolphin talks? No?...k. Oh, it was nominated for 2, yes, 2 Academy Awards! Still not buying it? Eh, I got nothing.

Friday: Make with the Mars booty already!!!

MY HEAD'S NOT BIG!

Halloween Spectacular of Spooky Doom
2001

Synopses: Zim, the would be invader, notes the conspicuous absence of his arch nemesis, Dib (Dorkus Maximus) Halloween day, at school.  Dib shows up completely freaked and after a trip to the Crazy Home for Boys (courtesy of one of three monthly crazy cards allotted the classroom), we learn the reason: he's been experiencing "reality jumps" as a result of tweaking one of his brilliant but emotional detached father, Dr. Membrane's inventions.  Dib goes to Zim for help and they both get sucked into a nightmarish dimension, born of his imagination, that literally exists within Dib's enormous head.

Review:  It must be said that Jhonen Vasquez is God.  Invader Zim was--is a brilliant work of art.  I'm kicking myself for not going to InvaderCon during the 10th anniversary celebration.  That said, I'm not going to go into the pop culture/cult references people either genuinely find or lovingly imbue this episode with, but instead mention the maybe not so obvious irony.  Dib is terrified of a world that LOOKS nightmarish but is really not much different than his reality in subtext:

• he's a prisoner of his imagination
• his sister hates him
• his father has only a cerebral interest in him
• he's ostracized from his peers
• his teacher, Mrs. Bitters is a monster out to crush the dreams and drain the promise of every child
• Zim is his only ally/friend albeit never willingly

Why should you watch it?  Filthy meat creature!  You dare say to me that you will not!  You are no match for the mighty Zim! Ahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.  GIR, attack mode!  GIR!  Take off those bologna pants! GIR...GIR!

ZOMBIES AREN'T METAL, BRA!!!

Zombie Driftwood

Ug...better jump into this one head first. Well, a couple of metal-head D-bags and their girlfriends visit the Cayman Islands. The back story includes a cruise ship lost in the Bermuda Triangle. The ship reappears and beaches on the island. Naturally, all hell breaks loose with whacky zombie hi-jinx and horrible special effects. And if you ever needed to know what zombie penis dismemberment looks like? Your crazy fetish is there. Weirdo. Anyhoo, the soundtrack is mostly metal. You'd think this is cool, but it's way overused  And hero-boy? He's a complete tool with eyeliner. I don't care what you've been told, but make-up isn't very metal, bra! Oh, and there was a zombie line-dance. So, in a many ways, there's a lot of firsts in the movie. Completely unnecessary firsts.

What can I say? The zombies barely looked like zombies,  Zombie Hitler showed up, and I wanted the entire cast to die slowly and painfully after the first 15 minutes. I don't think I was asking for much there. Maybe the only flattering thing I can say is this is the heavy metal theatrical love child of Lloyd Kaufman and Roger Corman.

Hi there! I'm Zombie Hitler and I'm lame....so so lame....

Thursday: I'd like more tuna in my dolphin, please!

Romania Needs Better Pest Control

Gargoyles: Wings off Darkness
2004

Synopses:  In the mid 1500's, a group of Romanian peasants and a priest presumably kill and bury/seal away a gargoyle.  500 years later, an earth quake sets loose either the same gargoyle or another of its kind.  The monster has an impressive cache of eggs in the caverns under the cemetery of a church.  There are a bunch of Americans - CIA, historical preservation team, clergy - who help save the day.

Review:  This was so boring, with cheesy CGI and undeveloped plot points.  I'd like to blame bad acting but that actually wasn't the case.  It just sucked.  Not even the fly-by decapitation scene was enough to elicit more than a "meh" from me.  I thought it was bizarre, lazy and maybe a little imperialistic how there was barely anyone with so much as a native accent present in the movie who wasn't a criminal or about to get eaten.  Nearly every speaking role, and especially those of importance, were allotted to American actors.  Even the local police chief was devoid of any real ethnicity.  This movie was also of the bad bat propaganda ilk, linking gargoyles to "some undiscovered species of bat" - even though the illustrations in the church texts depicted small dragons (who are some kind of lizard, not mammal).  Aside form the wings, I don't see sufficient characteristics to link gargoyles to bats.  Furthermore, they had this thing flying around in broad daylight...in populated areas.  What bat does that?  Hell, what gargoyle does that?

I'll bet Michael Paré's wondering where his career went.  I wished I had spent this time cleaning my toilet.

Lesbian Vampire killer?

...or just an amoral twat. Whatevs.

Jesus Christ, Vampire Hunter

As usual, the poster art is better than the movie

     I'm sure this made more sense in 2001. Or maybe it was 1994. It reminds me of funny people getting together with a camera. Nobody has any real honed skills, but someone can 'kinda' do art direction, someone is 'kinda' funny, and so on. A bunch of Jacks of all trades, but no masters apparent.

     Sadly, Jesus is the least likable hero, and the more interesting characters are killed off too soon. For example, the punk rock priest. He was killed in the first vampire scene. There's a ton of other silliness you'll be exposed to, and I'm having trouble saying 'yay' or 'nay' in regards to recommending it. At times it's fun, but there's some scenes that just drag on and become pretentious with a 'look how cool and hip we are' attitude. Honestly, by the time this movie had reached the halfway point, I was begging for it to be over.

Look at me! I have two earrings. I'm EDGY!!!

     Oh well, one internet movie legend down, hundreds more to go.

     For tomorrow? The ONLY frickn' zombie movie for this fest. I promise.

Oh, it's on, Halloween...it's ON!

     31 days, 31 movies, 31 reasons to put something else off. For example, cleaning the toilet. Skip it, because the worlds best and worst horror movies are to be viewed for entire month of October. Otherwise known as our annual Halloween Horror Movie Fest of Doooom. DOOOM.

     Having said that, last year was a complete disaster in both the Midwestern branch, as well as the New England operations center. Things just refused to work with us, so everything went south. However, this is a new year, and a new opportunity to make with the damn horror films. And we're going to....so we will. First up.....

Monster Brawl!

     The premise is simple: Famous, and non-famous, monsters go at it in a wrasslin' ring. It's a death match, so that, in theory, means the zombies already have this fight locked in. Or did they already lose? Either way, it has a cyclops and a witch-bitch. It's treated like a typical professional wrestling affair with a little bit of Mortal Combat mixed in. One glaring omission? There's no spectators, no crowd, no cheering, and no booing. I'm sure this was done to keep costs down and I'm betting half the budget was used on the F/X, which were also less then spectacular.

     The cast is filled with typical B-grade no-name actors. However, for some reason, Dave Foley and Jimmy Hart round out the cast. Or, rather, those are the only two I immediately recognized. When I watch Dave Foley, I'm immediately reminded of every character he played on Kids in the Hall.

And the ending? The credits start rolling after a fight starts between Frankenstein and Kevin Nash (yes, that Kevin Nash). I'm not sure if that was a cliffhanger or they ran out of film.

Up Next...The "H" stands for HELL!

It's that time of year again...

I seriously doubt I'll actually get 31 movies watched by the end of the month...but here's the first one:

Mad Monster Party
1967

Synopses:  Baron Boris von Frankenstein, scientist, invents a way to utterly destroy matter.  This, he plans to unveil at an invitation-only convention attended by Dracula, The Werewolf, The Mummy, The Creature, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Invisible Man, Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde...and Felix Flanken (the doc's spaz nephew).  Already on the Island of Evil with Boris (and of note) are his boxum secretary, Francesca; Yetch, the smarmy Zombie, and the original Frankenstein Monster and his Mate, Phyllis Diller.  Seriously, not only is she played by Diller but she looks just like her.  In addition to revealing his invention, Boris also wants to retire and name a successor.  No one is too happy with his choice.  Scheming and double-crossing ensue.

Review:  This was campy, not the least bit scary, and only marginally entertaining.  It was also a musical and that's horrible enough in its own right, but it had the added horror of dubiously appropriate songs.  After the Monster's Mate catches him eyeballing Francesca, Diller sings a song celebrating his difference.  Later, when the Baron's would-be successor balks at the idea, the doc plays him a ditty about staying one step ahead.  It's like the tunes were all leftovers from some other equally awful musical about raising one's self esteem.

Why watch it?  Stop-motion animation.