Oh, Heavenly Butcher.....

The Heavenly Sword

"Yes, the carpet matches the curtains!"

     Based on a video game of the same that I've never played, this is my first anime film for this fest. It features a crap load of sword fighting and scantily clad warrioresses on an adventure (read:murder spree) to hand over a sword that their slaughtered clan hid and protected for eons. It's birth-rite owner is their long lost brother....who is killed in the first 30 seconds of him holding the magic weaponry. In the end, it's the usual Good vs. Evil battle with the bad guy going E.A. Poe, and the good girl going slightly Tron-ish. The story isn't much deeper than that. There was a side-story about 'daddy not loving daughter' but it was a useless and convoluted.

But wait! There's more!

     The CGI looks like it came right from the PS3. It's just too clean and unrealistic. If one of the scantily clad tarts rolled around in dirt, she should be shown getting dirty. I really felt like I was watching all combined cut scenes from the game. And why? This was released in August 2014! That wasn't even a year ago as of this posting! The tech is there! I just watched 3 terrible movies featuring dragons that were drawn better, and half the budget!

     But the worst issue is all in the vocals. The sync is off and the voice levels are all over the place. If someone is whispering, it really shouldn't sound like they're yelling. As for the voice actors, the talent is there and they do great job, but why the hell is Thomas Jane cast in this? His voice is largely forgettable and pointless. Just let the voice pros do their thing!

Are dragons REALLY that bad?

Dawn of the Dragon Slayer

Netflix is not working on my pc, I've been terribly busy, and I'm really behind. But nonetheless, I'm back with another cinematic turd.

     During medieval dragon times, a father/son team of bumpkin sheep wranglers start searching for dragon eggs as soon as they find evidence of one in the form of something can can only be described as a dragon-sized owl pellet. While hunting said dragon, it shows up and BBQ's the father leaving poor William Sheppard, the shepherd, on his own. So after a 10 second mourning scene, he starts his travels....completely ignoring all the sheep he left behind. So, not what I'd call a good sheep herder and dragon hunting is going to be a huge stretch.

     The next stop brings him to a nearby castle where he hands the baron a hand written hall pass and that's where this film comes to a screeching halt. I thought this was to be about a damn dragon slayer, but it runs completely off course in the middle of the movie and just falls flat. It's nothing but a thinly veiled love story with a dragon backdrop. 

     The only thing I really admire about this film is the actors. They kept their head in it the entire time and that is a very rare trait in movies of this caliber. I'm going to give the director a huge credit for that. It wasn't a great movie, but it wasn't the usual b-grade film.

But still, two things of note: 

1) I don't recall there being playing cards the the medieval times, but there's the Lady of the castle, playing solitaire.  

2) This whole adventure started because the bumpkins wanted dragon eggs to sell so they'd become rich. Yes, the dragon did take a couple of their sheep, but greed was the primary reason 4 people died in this film. 

Who keeps giving Uwe Boll money?

Name of the King 3: The Last Mission
2014


Bored, creepy hitman joins sword-swing babes - one of which is running from her incestuous-minded uncle - in battle for kingdom...plus, there's a dragon. Who knew broad sword use was a training criterion for professional killers?

This was about as exciting as the whole movie got.

Dominic Purcell looked bored throughout this entire film. That early scene where he helps himself to a cup of coffee after whacking some guy in a hotel room seemed both professionally improbable (or perhaps stupid is more like it) and entirely unnerving. Nothing else in the film is even on par with those few seconds. I agree that the directorial-like cessation order in the middle of battle was just incredible. I'm still shaking my head.

"RED LIGHT!"

I only watched this one because I saw the second one

Skip-able.

Pack Painkillers on Your Next Portal Trip

In the Name of the King 2: Two World
2011

I only watched this because it stared Dolph Lungren...who looked miserably uncomfortable, stuffed into that too small jacket. Grumbling, pill-popping and grabbing his backing, half the time it seemed like he was in a really inventive Aleve commercial.
 

Ugh, the bursitis in my shoulder...

 Then there were the awkward, boring sex scenes. I mean did they run out of money for nudity?

"Look, there are these pills...and I need 20 minutes..."

 It didn't seem into it anyway...

"Whew! Saved by the doctor,...hope she doesn't ask me to turn my head and cough."

I don't even know what they were trying to do with this. It was so inconsistent. Sometimes there was a voice over, sometimes Dolph would just be talking to himself. In the beginning he has some kind of spiritual guide. Then that disappeared, but he got help from some seers. Then they both died. Oh and there was a dragon, although it didn't really seem to have a munchies kind of interest in him.

I should just become a directer. Apparently, you don't need talent, just some schmuck with deep pockets.

Mirror Mirror On The Wall...

The Hunters
2013

Well, this turned out to be a teen action-adventure movie about a secret sociiety of "hunters" who go after magical objects of legend and tale. Sound familiar? *cough*cough*Warehouse 13 rip-off*cough*cough* In this case they are after Snow White's mirror. I guess no one told them that it was actually the Evil Queen's mirror, but that was the least of this film's issues. There was an actual Pantene plug right smack in the middle of the film.So awkward.

I can't even tell you what happened in this. It attempted to blend fantasy with reality but was really horrible at it. For instance, a piece of the mirror was in the original Cinderella's (some Greek slave girl, according to the film) glass slipper that was on display in a Boston museum. Let's just say for the sake of argument that this could be at all possible. Don't you think a archeologist or curator or patron or someone would have noticed  a 2" x 4" reflective shard laying in the foot-bed of a frosted glass slipper - especially if this was some kind of traveling exhibit?

((sigh))

Victor Garber's career is just going straight downhill.

I Got Your "Deal" Right Here!

Solomon Kane
2009

For some reason he reminds my of guitarist, Paul Allender.

This is a sin and redemption movie. As can be expected, there were some moments of stale dialogue and melodrama . However, the film struggles to be character driven by way of defining it's protagonist by the pivotal moments that led to his predicament. For a modern-era Sword and Sorcery film, it isn't bad (probably because it's not American). Also, James Purefoy does justice to the character of Solomon Kane - an ex-bloodthirsty pirate who attempts to renege on a bargain with the devil.

That's the strength of the film: You can actually feel for his plight, though it's not until the very end that the truth of it is revealed. It's subtle. I missed it the first time. Having watched it again, I realize that this is in keeping with Robert E. Howard's (of Conan fame) style of writing. That bitter, cringe-worthy piece of knowledge is always delivered after much suffering has been endured, and usually when the main character can't do anything about it but persevere.

I also think this movie is beautifully shot. I know - that's a weird thing to say about a dark fantasy where everything is drab and barren and stripped. But the film gives one a sense of despondency that is missing from other contemporary S&S films, like 2011's remake of Conan The Barbarian. There, even the slavery and despair looked...clean. It was misery ripe for - or maybe designed for - heroism. In Kane, there is only the drudgery of existence and survival in a time when the land betrayed its people and salvation meant not dying of a plague or a raid. While it's suggested that the deal imbued Solomon with preternatural strength, in a scene where he frees himself from gruesome bondage, the only strength comes from the will to make things right; to keep a promise.

This is a film worth watching.