Not The Kind Of Boobs You Were Hoping For....

 Slumber Party Massacre II

    Like a proper sequel, a carryover from the first film starts us out with nightmares and premonitions supplied by a slightly older Courtney. Her older sister, the hero from the first movie, is now in a mental institute and rather than go see her for the weekend, Courtney opts to hang with her rock band mates in a condo. Despite a very clear warning from her sister in a dream, they all head out to the condo for some girl-power time.

Submitted without comment for your safety and mine.

     However, the premonitions and dreams become worse and a guitar playing dork dressed in leather presents himself as the slasher from the first film, nearly re-incarnated

...fucking dork....

     Shortly after that, Courtney is trying to get some play from her love interest when the guitar dork becomes completely real and starts drilling people with his drill...guitar. Drilltar? Whatever, it's all just stupid and he's the worst bad guy I've seen this October.

HE DOES A MUSICAL NUMBER!!!
 How the FUCK am I supposed to take this serious? 

     Billed as a black comedy slasher, it's more silly than anything. Much like the first film, it's only 75 minutes long and if you came for the boobs, I have some bad news for you. It's VERY limited and I had that figured the minute I saw Crystal Bernard as the main character. 

Friday: Can you really make this sequel?

"Shirts Vs Skins" or "How To Properly Water-Proof a Power Drill"

 Slumber Party Massacre

     First of all, let me clear the air about something. This movie and it's 2 sequels were written and directed by women. Maybe that doesn't make much difference but I thought it very interesting. This movie is also the epitome of boob slasher flicks and quite possibly the progenitor. Originally written as a spoof movie, it was transformed into a 'serious' film and that's why you get to see boobs in the first 2 minutes.  

     An escaped mass-murder has escaped and killed a really hawt phone repair woman and steals her drill and van. After killing another high school for reasons I can't understand (hey, he's a mass murder. That's just his thing) he stalks the rest of the high school girls to a home where they're having a slumber party with weed and booze! I bet they talk about boys and girl stuff...

     Things start out great as beer is drank, weed is smoked, and pizza is ordered. However, when the pizza guy shows up, he's blind...and dead. His eyes have been drilled out. Turns out this plucky DIYer is pretty handy with a drill and just goes to town on damn near everyone! Eventually girl-power prevails and he's opened up with a machete. Some people just KNOW how to host a party.

Our kill count as follows:

Death by Drill

Death by Drill

Death by Drill

Death by Drill

Death by Drill

Death by Drill

Death by Drill

Death by Drill

Death by Drill

Death by Drill

Death by Machete

It's a short watch at 1 hour, 16 minutes! They couldn't even push it out to a more traditional 90 minutes but it's still longer than those stupid damn Evil Bong movies

Thursday: The drill has an upgrade...

Not as Pretty....

 Hell Night

     I remember this VHS jacket at my local rental store in the late '80s/early '90s and I've always been curious. It's got Linda Blair grasping the wrought iron bars, making a desperate attempt to flee the house in the background, only to be pulled back in by hands reaching from below while she screams in horror. Terrifying stuff, really...However, the movie is not so much terrifying as it is a great early '80s horror film. 

     It's pledge week and some college whose name is never mentioned. I figured it was either University State or State University. It's definitely one of those two. Anyhoo, pledges are dumped off at a spoooky house and all they have to do is survive the night. However, there is a really fugly guy wandering around the place choppin' heads, stabbin' with sharp rusty things, and strangling the shit out people that really didn't completely deserve it. For once, I don't hate each and every one of these college students. But as you know, rules are rules and they all have to die, mostly mid-coitally. Mr. Fugly, as I will refer to him, is the last remaining family member of a heartless murder suicide perpetrated by his Father, Mr. Fugly Sr. Apparently, he's working with an accomplice and manages to kill everyone but Linda Blair, so....mission accomplished? 

     Giant gaping plot-holes aside, this is a fun watch. Yes, it's dated. Everyone in this movie is now pushing 60s-70s or dead. And the F/X are hack, but still a nice horror film to watch if you're missing the '80s and need a nostalgia fix. And the best part is? No stupid pointless sequels. Yay!

Wednesday: Bewbs and power drills.....

Get used to Pink and Purple...

 Color Out Of Space (2019)

     Nick Cage lives with his movie family in the sticks raising alpaca's. One night, while trying to get some play with his wife, a loud bang disrupts mommy & daddy time. Mostly because a meteorite landed in the the front yard. It's big and purple and just plain pretty. By morning it's cooled off, and then disappears overnight. And that begins our long chain of events that are just plain weird. The ground water changes color, seemingly alien purple insects come out of the well, Little Billy (I don't know or care what his movie name is. He's the youngest of the family) starts talking to the well, electronic devices act haunted, ect... Long story short, everyone dies in the end. But it was so pretty when it happened! Seriously, if you like purple and pink, this film is your bag.

Creepy but pretty

NEVER crawl into a well for ANYTHING.

It's sooooo pretty!!!!

     This is very reminiscent of Annihilation staring Natalie Portman. Both give a story of alien meteorites that try to assimilate into the environment by changing it to suit it's will and both have a somewhat ambiguous ending. Color Out Of Space is loosely based on an H.P. Lovecraft story of the same title from 1927, so I guess we know who came first.

Oh, one last thing: Tommy Chong is also in this film playing a squatter that, you guessed it, smokes a lot of weed.

Tuesday: Ragan MacNeil vs. Matthew Star...

Because Tales From the Hood wasn't enough...

 Tales From The Crib: American Nightmares

     Our second anthology film begins with hackers being hacked by...um....a story telling Danny Trejo and Nichelle Nichols(?!?) Yeah, she had lines but I'm not sure if she even knew she was acting in a movie. Form the producers (or something like that) of Tales From The 'Hood, we have a selection of short stories that are....boring to say the least. Not even the kills are interesting. Please observe:

Death by sword in the anus

Death Zap Gun

Death by Robot

Death by Electrocution

Death by Torch to the Face

Death by Healing

Death by Demon.

     Total 'meh' vibe. I could go into detail of every story, but they're just boring and I don't even remember them. They seemed hastily written and very predictable. Tales of Halloween is a far better choice. See that instead.

Monday: Wiccans and Purple rocks from Space!...

Most doctors would diagnose it as schizophrenia...

 Ghost Squad 

     Rika has a problem. She sees ghosts, she has an abusive father, and she just broke up with her 'man-turd' of a boyfriend. However, one of the ghosts realize that she can see them and calls some friends to help her out when she's attacked by her former man-turd boyfriend at work. Because she became closer to death, the ghost friends help out by making him partially commit seppuku, filling a mug with his blood, and then making him drink it. At first, I was worried that this was going to be too cutesy-cutesy, and it is. It's like Sailor Moon had a child with Michael Meyers.

     Part of the reason the ghosts are helping out is because they can't ascend until revenge is complete. Lucky for everyone, this extends the story a little but it also is dragged out at the half way point. All we know for sure is that a yakuza group needs to be exterminated because they're responsible for most of the ghosts deaths. 

     With a comically over the top violent scene to start the movie, it lames out quickly. And just like that, the schtick is over and I'm bored. Even with the gratuitous cheesecake scene. Needless to say, a total let-down and it's time to move on to a horror movie with actual horror.

Sunday: Danny Trejo never says no....