So tired of these Corny movies....

Children of the Corn 7: Revelation

     I guess we're now in Omaha, and we meet Jamie on her way to Grandmothers house. Grandmother hasn't been sending mail, taking phone calls...seems she's dropped off the face of the earth (psst...she's dead. It's not a spoiler 'cuz you weren't REALLY going to watch this movie).  While filing a missing persons report, she moves in to Granny's apartment on the advice of the detective and starts seeing some creepy corn cult kids that just sort of hang around. Later we realize that they're spooky ghosts and this being a corn cult kid movie, all the adults start dropping off by their hands. One is thrown from the roof of a building, one in a wheelchair is pushed out a window (I liked that one. He was an asshole), and one poor stripper is strangled by <sigh> corn stalks while taking a bath. Why you gotta kill the stripper? What the hell, man?!?

     The back story explains that the grandmother was in a corn cult when she was a kid, and was the only survivor of a tent fire. The fire started when the po-po came to shut down the tent revival/cult meeting. Rather than be shut down, the kids just killed themselves...except for granny. We also learn late in the movie that Jamie's parents and grandmother  were killed as a result of surviving the fire. I guess He Who Walks Behind The Rows wanted her to be a crispy critter. Jamie's next on the list. Whoop.

     Besides the typical groan-worthy moments we usually see in these B-grade movies,  the biggest annoyance I had was with Michael Ironside's character. Sure, he plays a spooky priest with a down-low voice and attitude, but he's only in one scene where he speaks, and all he does is warn Jamie to leave. That's IT. He offered no help AT ALL. He knew about the corn cult kids, knew what they were trying to do to her, and did NOTHING to help or stop the kids. He just showed up and said "Yup. Here's some wine." and left. Screw that guy.

     And the biggest, brightest thing about this movie? It's the last damn Children Of The Corn movie as of 10/29/2016 and I'm DONE with this franchies....for now. There's talk of an 8th film in development for 2017. Double whoop.

Sunday: The only living Corey did a movie and then tried to hide if from us...

So how many times have I stated "Oh, the crap I watch..."?

Rabid Grannies

The movie poster was WAY more fun than sitting through the movie

     A couple of old ladies invite their ungrateful bastard nieces and nephews for a birthday celebration. In true aristocratic form, family members could really care less as they are simply waiting for the old broads to die and collect the inheritance. One of the gifts the party girls receive is some sort of haunted box filled with smoke. The old gals take a hit off the box-bong and start mutating and eating the family.

     The good news is, damn near every member of the family had it coming. The bad news is...well, everything else about this movie.  Horrible over-acting, questionable F/X, boooooring story, and somehow they managed to stretch this turd out for 90 minutes.

     Made with a paltry budget of $150K (in 1988 monies),  this Belgian piece of crap was dubbed in English for a British audience, and somehow Troma got their hands on it. Not even that could help this steaming pile.

Saturday: NOBODY CARES WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS, BRAH!!!

A cure for insomnia...

Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return

     SOoooo...once more to Gatlin, NE we go. A daughter of the freaks we saw in the first film is on a road trip to find her real mother.  Right from the start, she seems to be hallucinating a preacher as a passenger in her car, run off the road by rednecks, and examined by a seemingly creepy doctor. While snooping around for info on her mother, she runs across a man laying comatose in a hospital. It turns out to be Isaac, long thought dead to the world. Once she arrives, he starts to stir, and is magically awoken from his 19 year slumber. I guess she's part of a prophecy and I really didn't care because this was a boring-ass movie. It really tries to tell a story, but we've seen this story 5 times already. This is the most boring of the series so far. There's some gore, but very tame. And what is it about being chased by crazed corn cult kids on motorcycles that makes the loins burn? "Hey, I know you almost just died getting cut up with machetes, but screw that. Lets do it!!!!"

     Bah, this is a boring film and it's only redeeming quality was an appearance by Stacy Keach. Skip at all costs unless you're suffering from insomnia. It's so boring, I'm not even posting the movie poster.

Friday: This is why I never trust old ladies...

God and Science never mix...

Prince Of Darkness

     A priest dies, and lots of egg-heads are called together to figure out what this tall cylinder of swirly green-something sitting in the bottom of a Catholic church in LA is. Using science, we start to lean that there is a Satan of sorts, and he starts pulling strings to get homeless people to kill, worms to crawl windows, and priest to denounce  their superiors. While said egg-heads are prattling around, talking smart stuff and using big words, one of the smarty-pants is sprayed in the mouth by what looks like Scope. Naturally, we learn that it's actually Satan juice and it causes all recipients to fall under the spell of 'Ol Scratch himself. Herself? I try to keep an open mind.

    With everyone spitting green Satan Juice in each others face, pretty soon we're left with only a handful of survivors fighting for a way out. Near the end we also see that mirrors play a larger part that's really not explained, but made for a great visual. It also had a part in the climax that didn't really make a whole lot of sense. There's a couple of other plot holes that probably had explanations but were cut from the script or edited out. I have a feeling that if Carpenter made this movie today, we'd have all explanations in a damn near 2 hour event.

     THIS is how horror movies should be made. Or rather, this is a classic example of a supreme '80s John Carpenter horror flick. I never got bored, the story was good enough, and Carpenter knows cinematography and how to direct. My advice to you is pick a Friday night, order a pizza, sit your ass on the couch, and watch. Is it perfect? No...but YES. I had to go to crappiest, most questionable websites on the net to get this movie watched. I've tried 3 times to get this in the line up, but each time Netflix, Hulu, and even Youtube deny me at the last minute. "Why not just buy it?!?" Because after being screwed over that many times by premium streaming services RIGHT BEFORE HALLOWEEN...I'd had enough. I'm poaching it, and while not proud, I am without guilt.

Check the cast:

Victor Wong!

Donald Pleasence!

But most importantly....

Alice Cooper!!! And he kills a man!!!!

Thursday:

Go shuck yourself, you evil little brats...

Children of the Corn 5: Fields of Terror

     It appears that the '90s were the most fertile ground for the CotC franchise. 5 of the 7 movies were produced from 1992 to 1999, and not ONE of them had a grunge sound track. Somewhat of a relief if you ask me. However, we do start with a bunch of late 20-somethings posing as early 20-somethings on a road trip to dump some ashes of a friend that committed suicide by bungee jumping.  So in addition to the smattering of flannel shirts NOT worn by the creepy corn cult kids, it's clearly a '90s flavor going around. If only some young, self-absorbed slacker would start expressing him/herself...

     Nonetheless, the killings start right away with a Betty caught stealing corn, and her Baldwin having a strange blow-up doll fetish. As the rest of the friends move into the area, it's clear this is a creepy town and mingling with the locals isn't helping at all. After some boring story telling about 'the past',  the killings start to pick up and we learn about a fire in a silo that serves as a sacrificial volcano. But sadly, nothing shocking or amazing is seen because we've seen it all before. Dullsville, daddy-o.

     A couple of thoughts : Why is it so hard for adults to run away or kill these murdering little brats? They seem powerless despite being twice the size, twice the strength? Also, I just can't take young Adam Wylie serious in any scene. He looks like a kid acting adult and failing bad.

Strange cast, though. Look at these nobody's that became kinda somebody's:

Eva Mendez!

Ahmet Zappa!

Fred Williamson!

And of course, David Carradine!

Friday: Third f-ing try getting this movie nailed down for Halloween...

Keeping up with the Joneses

Society

     Poor rich kid Billy Whitney is having an identity crisis. He's part of a rich-as-fuck family, but just has a feeling he doesn't fit in despite being super popular, dating a high-school hottie, and being a dominating class president candidate. You really feel for him, living in that HUGE house, driving bro-dozer of a Jeep Wrangler. His pain and what he endures is really inspiring. He even has a therapist for guidance. However, I must say...it's obvious from the start that he's not treated the same as his sister, so he's on to something...

     And that sucks, because for the next HOUR and TWENTY MINUTES we're treated to intrigue, suspicion, possible incest, and maybe murder. That's not a horror film. That's just a creepy drama. But the last 10 minutes...one of the most fucked-up scenes I've ever seen. It went from strange to ohhheEMMGEEE!!!  WTF ARE THEY DOING TO THAT BOY?!?!?!

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR MOTHER AND SISTER?!?!?!

AND YOUR DAD

WHAT ARE THESE FREAKS DOING?!?

You know what? I don't care. Screw it. I'm out.

Tuesday: It took 5 films before 'Field' showed up in the title....

A Less Corny Affair.

Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering

     We've moved from Gatlin, Nebraska to Grand Island, Nebraska. That's progress, right? Meh...We meet our protagonist, a very young Naomi Watts, coming home from med school to a find her mother having a break down, and her younger sister and brother are trying to cope. No idea where daddy is. All at once, the local kids start coming down with a fever that's caused by some sort of corn cult voodoo. Once the fevers break, we're treated to the same 'kill mommy & daddy' story-line that's been a mainstay of the franchise. Some back stories are told, but I don't really think they're meant to be cannon. This is the first move that makes no mention of Gatlin, or any of the previous films. This was more of a stand-alone film, and to be honest...I was glad for the departure. Will it last? I know for a fact it won't since the title for the 6th film pretty much gives it away.

     Not a bad movie, but suffers from 'Just Another Damn Sequel' syndrome and that makes it largely forgettable. The gore was increased a little, and thankfully, corn was not the main focus of this movie. Here, it only serves as a back drop and not a third cast character. The plot holes will remind you of a buckshot riddled rural stop sign, but it seems pointless to make note of them. These are low budget horror films, after all. Try not to keep your expectations too high.

Monday: Shit's going to get really weird....