A zombie movie was inevitable...

The Boneyard

     Yeah, zombies movies and shows have become a bit annoying and over done, but they keep cranking them out, and people keep watching them. I'd like to think that this one is a bit more unique given that it's KIDS that become zombies, and it was done in 1991, long before the zombie movie flood.
     Not really much of a story, but simply put, an ancient family of custodians keep and evil zombie-like entity fed human flesh so it can be contained. The best, most inconspicuous way of providing is to become undertakers. Brilliant! Well, the last in the line of undertakes has had enough so he basically quits and they get loose in a morgue. Things go to hell, and there's your story. One glaring annoyance was the fact that it took 40 f-ing minutes to do character set up. Clearly they had to make up for the fact that they had little story, but good god that took forever for something to happen. Bah!

     But the best part? Phyllis Diller. Yes, that Phyllis! She actually had a large part in the movie. Her character also had the best name: Miss Poopinplatz! I'm not making that up. Eventually she becomes a zombie, but it's more like a caricature in a giant rubber head. And better yet? Her poodle becomes the 'end boss', so to speak. It becomes gigantic, and that's when you realize that the writers and director are just fucking with you. "Ha-ha, we can't believe you made it this far!!! Jokes on you!!!". It's like finding a movie Easter egg just by being patient.

Ok, I'm a little behind in my movie list, so I'll have to make up some ground...just not today.

Cronos

A different spin on the vampire story involving a clockwork scarab, an alchemist, an antique dealer and his granddaughter...and Ron Perlman.  Not the least bit scary but pleasantly entertaining.  Oh and there's the immortality-obsessed dying guy.  Always have to have one of those.  I actually don't have a lot to say about this other than that I enjoyed it.  The granddaughter was kind of creepy, though.  She's like 8 but accepts her granddad turning into the walking dead like he only got a bad skin rash and had a bout with narcolepsy.

This film is subtitled so if you're anti-reading, you've been warned.

Directed by famed Hellboy director, Guillermo Del Toro.  It was in my queue forever just because of that.

There's no such thing as a laughing Karloff

The Old Dark House

     My first B&W horror movie of this annual fest, and a Karloff movie to boot! Ah, but all is not as it seems! This is a Horror Comedy, so...yeah...whatever that means. Actually, I get it, but I'm surprised they were doing this in the 30's. That era of horror films were typically very serious but also young enough to still be defining the genre. I'll be right up front, I never laughed once, and I found only one scene amusing. In fact, this is a great movie if you just wanted to watch a black and white movie but not actually pay any attention to it.
    To sum this film up, some dorks traveling across the Welsh countryside are stranded in a strange old house do to weather and impassable roads. It's naturally a very weird house filled with weird people. A Lurch-like character (played by Karloff) decides to hit the bottle and starts going on a rampage. Then, someones brother is let loose out of a locked room (see Man in the Iron Mask) and starts setting things on fire. OK, I take it back. This isn't a horror comedy, it's a crappy b&w from 1932 that will put you to sleep. G'night and sweet dreams!