Yep...I peaked with Sky Sharks...

Shark Side of the Moon

     A secret lab in Soviet Russia circa mid '80s has created a shark/man hybrid for reasons unknown. Naturally, the sharks escape and somehow make it onto a Soviet space shuttle and end up on the moon. And somehow they survive for the next 30 years. They survive so well, in fact, that Sharkmen have developed a society and are at war with the only 2 humans on the moon. Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that?!?

     This....is a bad movie. It wants to be good, it wants to be taken serious, but it just looks so stupid! We've been tempered to push realism out the door when it comes to movies, but how the hell are you going to explain ditching a space suit for a chainmail helmet and pea coat? Oh, created on the moon were they? HOW?!? There's no infrastructure to help advance the science needed to create that miracle not-suit. OH, and spear hunting? They're hunting the man-sharks on the moon with fucking spears! How the fucking hell did you sell that to your multi-cultural cast? You want more details? There aren't any! All the man-sharks look like someone tried to do a live-action reboot of the Street Sharks cartoon and somehow one of them speaks perfect ENGLISH...despite being 'born' in Mother Russia. And using a lava field to destroy the man-shark city? Again this is on the moon. And the epilog? A lady-person-shark gives birth to another man-shark hybrid...ala immaculata. This all makes my head hurt. Maybe not make movies, Tubi?

Sunday: My final 2 films, the end is near!

Goodbye, Shark Week!!!...probably see you next year....

Quit wasting cool titles!!!!

 Sharkula

     2 dopey meatheads are invited to work in a fishing village.

Said meatheads

     Their mysterious employer sends his Renfield to greet them and help them settle in. Everything about the town is strange, and Renfield is extra weird. That's because his employer is none other than Dracula! And Drac has a pet shark that hangs out in the water and eats sacrifices offered up by him and his disciples. But none of that is important. What's important is the gross mis-use of a kick ass movie poster and slick title:

...while in reality we're given this jackass again:

Said Jackass

...and this fucking vampire shark:

You went with this?!?

...all while filmed in 20fps. This title and presentation had everything going for it...till you actually watch it. It's at that point you realize they wasted a cool title, kick-ass movie poster, and usable idea and turn it into a steaming tightly packed coil that some lazy neighbor left on our front lawn. This is not a movie to be celebrated, this is a movie to be pitied. Balls!!!

Saturday: I may have peaked with Sky Sharks....

Never turn your back on a shark....

 Jaws Of The Shark

This poster should have been a clue

     You know that feeling when you've been watching movies almost every day for nearly a month and they start to lose their impact? And you run out of things to say about an hour long shark movie featuring a guy in one of the worst shark suits you've ever seen wielding a chainsaw? And it's filmed on a camcorder by people whose first language isn't English? And none of them are really actors? Or script writers?  Yeah, that's what I'm experiencing right now. It's like a cold, emotionless state that doesn't care if a bunch of Swedish idiots go camping in shark-infested woods and (surprise) find a shark that has strange tastes that might be considered 'conduct unbecoming''.

     That's what this movie's about. Sweded doing their best to act American while spoofing shark movie tropes in the cheapest way possible. Is it funny? Yes, it's humorous, stupid, and full of dumb fun. It's a welcome addition after Noah's Shark.

Friday: Wait...this asshole again?!?

The Nuclear Option

 Atomic Shark

     Baywatch -wannabe lifeguards living their stupid lives, watching the water for people in distress and sharks. Their lives suddenly change when burnt fish start showing up on the beach and a glowing shark starts eating and burning (?!?) people. 

     This movie is full of vapid idiots, satirical hollywood types, and peoples general lack of understanding radiant particles and radioactive materials...and sharks. But alas, none of us are here for realism, right? I mean look at this thing:

I know it's a kid, and his head explodes, but he had it coming

     The 'humor' really cranks up (not really) when Dave Faustino pervs his way in mid-film. I'm not going to lie; I did chortle a couple of times at the intentional jokes so it wasn't a complete waste of time. Plus, lots of people die and some even deserved it!

Thursday: Friends Don't Let Friends Make Movies II: The Sharkening...

A priest, a director, and a shark walk into a bar....

 Noah's Shark

NOTHING IN THIS POSTER HAPPEND IN THE MOVIE

 A thoroughly boring movie about a priest, exorcisms, the Ark, a shark, and fighting boredom.

     Whatever your concerns are about theology, I can assure you this movie will not help.  A priest that specializes in exorcisms for a cable access show loses his 'job' after a teen clearly possessed by a demon accuses him of 'bad touch'. I'm very sceptical of this accusation considering it's a teen girl and not a 8 year old boy. Nonetheless, he has a new calling to follow a yellow brick road to the Ark. And I guess there's a shark guarding it. How original, thought provoking, and spiritual.

     This movie is a test, nay, PROOF of my patience. One of the most boring, ill-conceived pieces of tripe I've ever had the displeasure of nearly falling asleep to and the only good part is when the shark starts eating people. And even THAT was a let down.

     Obviously, not all shark movies can be cool, but....you can try a lot harder than this gutless turd.

Wed-nes-day: A clearer understanding of why people do not know the actual effects of radiation....

It's still better than the MILF movie...

Sky Sharks

Everything you see in this poster happened in the movie. For once.

     A flight over the Atlantic is interpreted by Nazi zombies flying sharks. And by interrupted, I mean boarding and slaughtering everything inside the plane, somehow at over 500 mph, 30k feet in the air. Now this is the kind of silly I can get into!

     Shorty after, an expedition uncovers a giant Nazi ship filled with...Nazis! Who knew, right? Upon arrival, this movie wastes no time and dives right into the gory, flying stark infested skies. Did I mention the flying sharks had a Predator-like stealth camo mode? Yeah, this film has everything! It's big dumb fun and 1000x better than all of the Sharknado movies put together. However, this also means that it suffers from the same 'Over-The-Top' action scenes at the climax which features the good guys getting an even BIGGER shark to fly around and kill all the now-inferior little sharks. It doesn't have to make sense, it's a shark movie! It uses Shark Math and that's all that matters...well, that, and the post credit sequel spoiler!

Tuesday: Behold the cleansing flood.....

This one gonna hurt...

 4 M.I.L.Fs vs. Zombies

     I thought it would be funny. I thought the title would lead to a novel treat. What I got was another fucking zombie movie filmed with whomever had the best camcorder and an over abundance of bewbs. "But you like bewbs!" Yes, yes I do, but I'm not 14 anymore and I have the internet that's filled with REAL porn should I choose to view it. So what we have is a useless boob movie masquerading as a zombie film...which is useless as well. So who is this catering to?

Presenting your MILF heros.

     Nobody. This movie is for nobody. 90 minutes you'll never get back, borderline misogynistic, and the best line was "Holy shit! Dead tits!!!" Run away. There's no point in going over the script because it was indeed written by a 14 year old WITH NO INTERNET ACCESS. It's not a good boob movie, it's not a good zombie movie. It's got some chuckle-worthy one-liners, but honestly, I stopped paying close attention half way and somehow this was stretched out to 90 minutes!

One question I have about every 'zombie' movie ever:

Zombies are often depicted eating intestines, but those are mostly filled with poo. So...zombies like brains AND poo? Whatever, fuck this stupid movie and everyone in it.

Moving on.....

MONDAY!!!: Shark week begins...it's going to be stupid...

Making extreme BDSM sexxxy!

 Hellraiser (2022)

Can a new foray into Clive Barker's EXTREME S&M fetish compare to all the other reboots?

     A couple of idiots that have never seen a horror film break into a storage container, steals a box that's inside a box inside a much larger box. Later, one of the idiots starts playing with the box and *surprise*, it draws blood by stabbing her hand. At this point, what you should do is charter a boat, go out to the middle of the ocean, and drop that box into Davy Jones'  locker. But again, these idiots have never seen a horror movie and it just continues on. 

This is how dumb  happens

     This is a pretty fresh movie so I'll be light on the details. But suffice to say the usual tail of blood, hooks, deceit, and extreme body modding rule this film. But how did the the female Pinhead hold up? Well...decent, but not amazing. It's strange to say, but her dialog was monotonous and her presentation was sadly uncharismatic.

Me? Better dialog for you?

     Truthfully, nobody will ever replace Doug Bradly, and I was really looking forward to this new slant. Jamie Clayton has a decent resume but character is a bit of a reach for her. Make no mistake, I think she did a great job but I got the feeling she was heavily restricted and her dialog needed a touch-up.  

As for the other cenobites, Asphyx was the creepiest and the only one that really stood out. That labored breathing was horrid and the audio really drilled it home.  

Overall, I think you'll find something in this movie to like and it is worth your time to watch.

Sadly, this doesn't make up for Sunday: Certainly the dumbest movie  on this years list...

How to love a killer...

Blood Hook

     Five idiot co-eds venture to a fishing cabin "in the north" for some sort fishing contest and to inspect said cabin that one of the morons inherited. The back-story on the cabin is something happened, a grandpa disappeared, and ooOoosoooOo spooky! Anyway, the insta-hate for every one of these societal flaws runs deep.

     So the killer uses fishing equipment to 'catch' people and kill them. Yes, it's a giant lure that kills people and this silliness has Troma written all over it. As the killer starts knocking off people, you realize you how much you love him because the these people have it coming: an O.G. Karen, Punk Rocker Dork,  Stupid Middle Aged Fisherman, Pretty Love Interest That Basically Cheated On the Fishing Hero, and Fishing Hero. Meh...nobody will miss them.

    Once it becomes clear who the killer is...

It's this guy

...and why he's killing (something to do with bugs, music, and a metal plate in his head), we're treated to a anti-climatic climax scene that includes a fishing fight with 2 guys hucking giant lures at each other to see who dies first. At that point, the only thing that dies is your hope for man-kind's contribution to the cinematic arts. And because EVERYONE sucks at their job, the bad man, (our hero), escapes to wander and terrorize the woods and hopefully find more horney college co-eds to...um...hook up with(?).

Some random notes:

I keep hearing the Taco Bell chime

How the fuck did this get stretched out to almost 2 hours?!?

So there's a killer on the loose but people find it a good idea to go outside alone...in the dark?

Deaths by:

Death By Giant Lure

Death By Giant Lure

Death By Giant Lure (damn it, she survived)

Death By Giant Lure

Death By Giant Lure 

Death By Giant Lure & Hook Pole

Saturday: When in doubt, reboot...