Southern hospitality and botany....

 Attack of the Southern Fried Zombies

        This is a warning about kudzu...a plant imported to help with soil erosion that has taken over the south. Everything is covered in it now. There, you were warned.

        A trio of redneck crotch fruit are wandering around the country side drinkin' beer, smoking weed, talkin' bout things and stuff. They stop at some old hipppies place and find him mostly dead...but alive enough to bite one of the teens in the arm because 'surprise', he's now a zombie. Probably because of the anti-kudzu defoliant they're dumping all over the place. Seriosly, this is an unofficial remake of Toxic Zombies, and just as bad. Anyhoo, the bitten teen starts feeling bad, then worse, then nothing at all. Then comes the zombie phaze of the bite and it's all rednecks vs. zombies starting with a festival in town. As the party spills over to the country side, you realize how boring this motive is and start watching youtube video on the side. 

        There's way to many post-credit scenes for a movie this crappy. The good news is, it does eventually end and you never have to watch it again.

Monday: The title is too long....

'From The Producer Of Twilight' is NOT a good movie promo tag...

 Hansel & Gretel Get Baked

 

Thereby proving that producers are not always right

Whoa whoa whoa...Cary Elwes, Yancy Butler, and Lara Flynn Boyle?!? Diamond in the rough?

NO

        I guess a weed movie was inevitable, despite Evil Bong ending its history 8 "film" run. Movies like this annoy me but I still employ them for just this one time of the year. It always seems like its acted by people that have never been stoned or by a director thats never been around a hippy. Maybe since I've not been scared of a horror movie since I was a kid, I subconsciencly fill that need with green movies like this?  That's for a therapist to decide. In the mean time...

        While smoking up the newest, greatest bud, a BF and GF decide to make brownies or some shit and need more weed to do it. Off the BF goes to buy weed from his source only to be told his pusher is out. So pusher sends him to his source which is a little old lady in Pasadena (I'm not kidding about that). While hanging with the hag played by Lara Flynn Boyle, she steps out of the room to gather his stash warning him to not touch the gingerbread house. *When a spooky old lady selling weed tells you not to touch her gingerbread house....DON'T FUCKING TOUCH HER DAMN GINGERBREAD HOUSE!!!* She'll eat you...starting with your dick (if applicable). That sets off a chain of events including missing persons (because she ate the BF), Yancy Butler of Police Squad, street gangs, and witchery. Yeah, turns out the little old lady is a witch and is ALSO eating the soul essence of younger people to get young an pretty again. But Lara's getting up there in years and MILF is the best she can hope for.

        It's really a rather boring movie and the climax is predictable with the witch seemingly killed. Spoiler, she's not because she was keeping a horcrux in her pet cat? Whatever, the's not going to be a sequel so who cares.

        OH, and about the roll Cary Elwes played: In the very beginning, he was a meter reader for the local power company who started sniffing around and got dragged to his death. That's it. What a waste of talent.

Sunday: Rednecks and zombies....great...just great....

Technically, there was more than one spider...

 Lavalantula

Yep, found your problem right there....

        While stuck in traffic on his way home from being fired off the set of a future theatrical bomb, a volcano erupts and a spider that violates everything known about lava begins it's reign of terror by scaring the bajeepers out of our sad, sad protagonist. Yes, we have a Sharknado clone and Fin makes a cameo to reinforce that sad fact.

IT'S BRO-TIME, BRAH!!!

        Steve Gutenberg trying his best to be a badass. Nobody's buying it, Mahoney!!! Oh look...you threw a Michael Winslow a bone!  Don't get me wrong, he's being self-depreciating, and it's just adorbs. Making fun of his washed-up career by playing a washed up actor. 

        Look, we've seen these movies before (or at least I have...a lot).  There's nothing really new here other than the storyline and cast. It's Hail Marys and pseudo science with a LOT of bad acting and questionable CGI. It's a movie best watched hungover on a late January Saturday or Sunday afternoon. The spiders look decent, but it's no Industrial Light & Magic. The acting is...well...it has Gutenberg, Winslow, and Peeples. You tell me what happens when put those three in the same film.

So to summarize:

Steve Gutenberg playing Geve Stutenberg!

Nia People's veiny cleavage!

Patrick Renna looking almost exactly like he did 30 years ago with an ever-so punchable face!

Seriously, I wanna to punch him in his weird face.

Saturday: Most people prefer gummies to cookies....

Was radio really like this in the early '90s?

 Bad Channels

        A hapless washed-up disk jockey is running a contest in a radio station located in the middle of no where. Once the contest is over, a local reporter played by MARTHA FUCKING QUINN calls 'BULLSHIT' and an argument ensues that really went nowhere. Then they both see strange lights in the sky and we have ourselves a really crappy alien invasion!!! And the DJ said it the best when he proclaimed to his audience that the alien looked like a turd with portal window.

He's not wrong. That does look like a turd.

         The alien and its stupid robot take over the local radio station in order kidnap people via electromagnetic radio waves or some such. It's really strange...the alien finds a victim by 'tuning' into specific listeners and um...sends them a beam that puts them right in the middle of a music video. Naturally, everyone around only sees them in a trance. Then POOF...the poor dumb victim is suddenly materialized into a small jar. All of this seems completely unnecessary and it's never really explained WHY the stupid alien was taking the women. 

        Not is all lost, however: It turns out our alien has a weakness to common household disinfectant. So Lysol saves the day? Are you fucking kidding me? That's a bigger copout than finding out a combination lock's combination is 1-2-3...and yes, that really happened in this movie. It's hard to believe that Spielberg passed on this screenplay....

So to sum this up:

Pros:     Marth Heck Darn Quinn!..though she's really over acting in this film

             Dollman cameo!

Con: Practically everything else about this film

Friday: It's an 8-legged volcano asshole....

The absolute worst movie title to Google....

 Porno

        Do you know how hard it is to search for this movie on Google? WITHOUT getting massive amounts of porn links?!? And don't get me started on Image Search....

        Picture this if you will: It's 1990-something, you live an a Gawd-faring town, and you work in movie theater that plays NOTHING controversial.  While digging in the basement  you find a mystery reel and decide to play it. Surprise!!! It's the PORNS!!!....and watching it releases a succubus...eventually...

        In the mean time, the whole movie falls flat on its face when a gay jock decides NOW is the best time to have his sexual awakening and they also find out that the owner not only has a boner for Jesus, but also hidden bathroom camera videos.  But have no fear, the unnamed succubus makes the theate owner her first victim by giving him some ass-play right before ripping his dick off. Not long after that, she makes the second-in-command's balls explode. I really don't think this lady likes weiners. If you think that's cringe-worthy (you'd be right), you also get a full on visual of the wound triage that is startlingly realistic.

        Eventually a plan is hatched to counter the succubi and this makes you happy because the movie is boring, unfunny, and NOT scary. No further details needed and no .gifs because searching for them on Google is overwhelming and maybe a little too distracting...

....man, worst of all it wasn't even a good porn. It was more like a cheap Dario Argento knock-off...

Thursday: Must See TV?....

Clowns do not make good meteorologists...

 Clownado    

NOTHING this cool happens in this movie. NOTHING.

        Fucking clowns....I hate clowns. I hate clowns that think I'm afraid of them or have some phobia. I don't. I just think they're stupid. And yet, here I am, watching this cinematic bowel movement because I CHOSE to. What was I thinking?!?

       The wife of a traveling clown show has an affair with a twatty dork. When the husband catches them together, he makes it look like she killed her overly-hairy lover. After using blackmail and  humiliation as a means to cover up her crime,, she has a friend cast a spell to create some stupid wind storm to wipe them all out. 

        Then a black Elvis impersonator shows up...more unnecessary bewbs, a bar fight, a very confused Elvis impersonator...finally, the movie lives up to its title: The vanquished clowns now travel in a tornado and exact revenge on those that wronged them. Somehow they stretched this out to 1 hour, 40 minutes. I think at one point a guy was eaten by a clown vigina...one of the clowns also gave birth to a mini-clown...this only makes me hate clowns more. Did I mention that bullets can still kill the clowns? Yeah, ghost clowns are not immune to bullets!

        Naturally to defeat the "clownado", they have to use pseudo-science with an airplane and a tank of liquid nitrogen. And by the way, I've never seen so many people panic about LN. They treat it like a nuke or some sort of nasty biohazard. It's in a secure tank, IT'S NOT THAT DANGEROUS!!!

 The kill count is marred by the fact that used runny blood and sprayed it everywhere. There was a lot of nipples in this movie and they seem to forget that if I want to see bewbs, I just go to the internet. Duh. 

Fudge it, I'm moving on.

Wednesday: An unnecessary sequel.... 

All stitched up...

 Rock N Roll Frankenstein

        A slimey record exec is tired of fighting and losing his star talent to other managers and decides to MAKE his own rockstar...someone he can own. Don't even need to get into the social implications that entails but for the sake of this dumb movie, I'll shut down that part of my brain.

        Anyhoo, said record exec hires his nephew to help build the next great rock and roll superstar. He's also employing a roadie and his stoner friends to do some good ole fashoned grave robbing to supply body parts. The graves robbed in no particular order: Buddy Holly, Jimi Hendrix, and of course, Elvis Presley.

What you think you're getting...

        While the "assembly" is successful, the Franken Presley naturally develops characteristics of the rockstars he was assembled from including homosextual tendencies because he was put together with Liberace's weiner....because that's how science works.

What you actually get.

        Really, the rest of the movie is about him being gay in some of the most homophobic ways. I mean...it's not like I expected a great journey of discovery and sexual awakenings...the title is Rock n Roll Frankenstein for fuck sake. My expectations were out the door when I read the title. But when you're exposed to it's giant green talking Frankenweiner...you've peaked...even after he rips it off with a hook and chain lift.

Fun fact: This pile of shit had its debut at the 1999 Helsinki International Film Festival....which means absolutely NOTHING!!!

Tuesday: DON'T send in the clowns....

This? THIS is how I'm starting HorrorFest 2023 out?!?

Night Of The Killer Bears

         This is marketed as a Ted knock-off. But right away it's clear this is NOTHING like that. It takes place in Thailand in a small-ish hotel room run by a sadist who is torturing someone in the back room. A couple is checking in for reasons I don't care and won't make much difference to the plot...if there WAS a plot. Pretty soon things go off the rails as guys wearing giant teddy bear masks show up and start killing people. While they're killing people, we find 2-3 more serial killers torturing people because clearly that's a normal hobby in Thailand.

        Eventually it's revealed that the Kill-E-Bears were sent by non other than the female half of our protagonist couple. Why? I'm sure it was in one of the lines of subtitles but I don't recall and I definitely don't care. Everyone in this movie is stupid and should die. And they pretty much all do. That's the best I can do for a happy ending.

    

Monday: Long Live Rock & Bone....