Position Wanted: Puppet Master

Curse of the Puppet Master

     Look, if your franchise goes to 3 movies, NEVER assume that you'll have a 'final chapter'. That's not how franchises work and Hollywood will milk them for every penny. This is more of a universal rule as opposed to a suggestion. And because of that rule, we have # 6 in a long line of horror movies that really aren't scary.

     We have a new puppet master (or old. Again, the chronology is messed up) and he's employed a seemingly simple man named Robert to help carve a new puppet or some such. It really doesn't matter. The actor tries his best to do 'lonely forlorn distant reflective staring', but he sucks and hasn't worked since 2001. The new master has other plans, however, and goes all 'master race' with the creation of a new puppet race using Roberts soul. Or he's trying.

Meet Tank. Undoubtedly, the creepiest puppet with the lamest name.

     And the puppets? Much like in the first and second movies, they do NOT like this line of approach or treatment of fellow puppets and turn on the master, violently. And let's just say that 'violently' is an understatement. They butcher the fuck out of him! This marks the 3rd master the puppets have killed, so the job has a high turnover. Since Robert has been turned into a new puppet, or tank-tredded robot, he has the final kill shot and lights up the master with an electrical discharge right to the forehead. And right as the daughter walks in, screaming.....

     ...and then the film ends. WTF? It ended so abruptly, I thought I had a bad copy. Then I remembered it's on a store bought DVD and the credits start rolling. That was it! No foreshadowing, no teaser, no epilog. Over, finished, done, gone, out.

Sunday: More merriment in the 'hood! I swear I'm going to invent a drinking game called "Spot The 40"...in fact, I just did!

One hit wonder, damn it....

Mockingbird Lane

Yeah, now this is my kind of TV!

     This is a wonderful pilot for a possible revamping of an old TV series, The Munsters. I should mention that I am a HUGE fan of that show so I guess I was a little apprehensive about watching this for 2 reasons: Jerry O'Connell (not a fan of that smirk) and pretty much all the other 'reunions' they've done over the years (which were terrible).

Yeah, the likeness is just astounding

     The plot line is pretty typical, as we're dealing with a young Eddie Munster coming to terms with growing up and becoming a meat eating werewolf while wanting to be a vegetarian. This isn't near as slapstick as the original series as they went with a blacker humor and that was really the right way to go with it. Eddie Izzard tries to steal the show, and damn near does. Everyone does an amazing job and we were lucky to have Bryan Singer direct this. And every mark is hit, from Grandpa insisting that a neighbor rephrase how he invites him into the house (a la rules of vampires), to Marilyn's house shopping. I love the black deadpan humor, fuck I love this show! WHY DIDN'T THEY MAKE THIS INTO A SERIES!??!?!

...ahem...I'm a realist and I also know that it's doubtful a continuing series would be as well written as this, but damn it, it would have been nice to see them try.

     This was a great treat for me and I'm glad I finally took the time to watch it. Maybe not everyone got it, but it was a great service to a fan like me. Watch this if you like dark humor and Halloween. DO IT!!!

Saturday: The Curse of The Sequels 6: The Repeating

I Always Knew Unicorns Couldn't Be Trusted

The Cabin In The Woods
(2011)


This...was basically Midnight Meat Train...in a cabin...in the woods.

Five college kids become unwitting human sacrifices...and that's not even a spoiler because the movie makes it perfectly clear what's going on from the beginning. That knowledge doesn't stop the genuine cringes, creeps, and scares, nor does it lessen the sardonic humor of the situation. Some have said the ending was silly but I thought the whole thing was brilliant.

It's just another day at the office for a pair of techs who work for a huge, global organization that specializes in luring "innocents" to their doom, for the sake of all mankind.

These guys.

Each sacrifice must match a stereotypical horror movie character (for this region): The Whore, The Athlete, The Scholar, The Fool, and The Virgin. Everything is going according to plan until it's discovered that one of the sacrifices isn't...well...sacrificed. That's when all hell breaks lose and you get to see some typical movie monsters and some creative ones. My personal faves are...

The Unicorn, 

Knew you couldn't trust those majestic buggers!

The Sugar Plum Fairy, 

Fairies will forever give me the creeps now.

 and of course,

The Werewolf (because you know how I just love them).

You might want to turn around.

A few things I enjoyed:

I love how one (possibly two) of the sacrifices seems to be afraid of the ballerina before he even knows why he should be. I mean who's frightened of a child in a tutu?

After you just read the creepy diary of the pain-worshiping, probably inbred backwoods redneck, why would you read the Latin in the last entry? What (probably inbred) hillbilly redneck knows Latin? I mean she doesn't know what the proper word for an erection is, but she knows Latin? And you're going to read that?

Though arguably sinister and callous, the big corporate machine behind the sacrifices was ingenuous. You can totally imagine teams of scientists from every division concocting new and exciting methods of throwing you under the bus...for the good of all mankind. Say what you want but I loved it. Yeah, the speech about saving the world was a little cheesy, but you know a corporation always have to sell you their schtick or else it might seem like they're just enjoying benefiting from your sorrow. Wait, was this film spoofing horror movies...or reality?

My only minor gripe was the very, very end. I know it's anal, but nothing that size could exist on Earth in multitude. Or in it for that matter.

Or maybe it could. This is why I don't do vacations in the woods.

"...Oh two Little Pigs were eaten before this beast was beaten, ooh ooh..."

Deadtime Stories
(1986)


The most horrifying thing about this whole movie was - with a doubt - the theme song. Played during the opening credits, viewers were subjected to the whole maddeningly awful, eyeball-melting mock-rock song that lasted several verses, chorus and a tinny whining guitar solo. You could just picture some studio whack-off with a bouffant mullet and red bandana tied around his leg, doing his best Ian Gillan...about the "Three Little Pigs." 

I triple dog dare you to endure it's entirety.

"The Boy Who Cried Monster" is the frame tale in which a little boy annoys his babysitting uncle into telling him three incredible bad stories. Uncle Mike is just trying to watch some porn downstairs until the kid's parents get home, but the brat won't go to sleep.

First he tells "Peter and The Witches," about a fisherman's orphaned boy, sold into slavery and bought by two old hags. The hags are witches who use innocent Peter to lure people to their deaths so that they can resurrect their long dead third sister. Unfortunately for the sisters, their next would-be victim is a blonde girl about Peter's age and, well, the sisters don't get a reunion.

Still, little whatever-his-name-was won't go to bed, so Uncle Mike tells the story of "Little Red Runninghood." I don't think his parents would've approved: Nubile Red Jogging Suit runs an errand at the drugstore for Grandmother at the same time that a certain werewolf is picking up his monthly tranquilizers. The pharmacist mixes up the orders and the freaked out wolf goes to Grandmother's to get his downers back. Unfortunately for him, Red's in the Tennis Club's shed getting her cherry popped by some dick named Willie. Mr. Wolf puts the munch on Granny, and when Red finally shows up, he tries to get in her basket. He gets stabbed with a silver cake server for his trouble. Apparently, Granny isn't dead, but injured, and recovering at the hospital.Red is by her side. You can guess what happens next.

The last tale (because the kid is still up) is "Goldi Lox and The Three Baers." The Baer family are a bunch of escaped psychos (and "Baby" is a 6'8" idiot). Goldi Lox is a homicidal tart with telekinesis - like a cross between Carrie and The Black Widow. They all whole up in the Ole' Amityville Place and are soon besieged by cops led by Lt. Nimble and Capt. Quick (really, it's that kind of short). Too bad they went out for pizza. This isn't even worth typing about anymore.

Annoying Nephew promises to go to sleep but is soon set upon by a real monster. He screams but Uncle Mike doesn't believe him and he's presumably eaten. Try explaining that to the parents.

The whole movie is on YouTube but I couldn't find one embed whose landing image isn't nudity.

I'm really not sure why they bothered

Puppet Master 5: The Final Chapter (not really)

     Finally! Some continuity!!! Starting right where we left off, genius dude-bro Rick Meyers has been arrested for all dead people found in the Bodega Bay Inn. His new boss bailed him out and wants in on the puppet mastery or some such. However, Mr. Demon Nipples is back, and just as lame. He's using the same stupid minions as before! Why would you do that? If it didn't work the first 50 times, why the hell would you try it again? 

     Much like the first movie, it involves a lot of creeping around the same hotel with the same demon minion (only one this time) and the same puppets with the same protagonist...well, 3 of the 4 original. So what I'm basically saying is, this is almost the exact same movie. If I didn't know better, I'd say this was filmed at the same time as the 4^th installment. In fact, at the end of the film, the stupid little minion is killed in the EXACT SAME FUCKING WAY. There's really no point in me reviewing this any further because I've already done it! Brilliant!

Well hell, at least I'm over the hump. Only four more to go..

Friday: A fan request....from last year.

Crypting on Elm Street

Tales From The Crypt and Freddy's Nightmares

     Because Target can just be an awesome store sometimes, I managed to snag all 7 seasons of Tales From The Crypt for a damn good price. I've waited months before cracking into them and tonight's the night I finally rip the cellophane off and pop it in. And Freddy's Nightmares? I've wanted to see that since I was a kid and still easily spooked by horror films.

Tales From The Crypt – The Man Who Was Death

     By no small coincidence, my favorite episode is the first episode starring William Sadler. Don't know him? You'll know him when you see him. He plays a redneck executioner that is put out of a job when the state changes their laws. Sooo...he decides to take care of business himself. He also narrates as well and is oddly engaging with his simple logic and somewhat deep insight. Not bad for being 24 years old last June. This is a really good watch that only costs you 26 minutes of your time. In fact, watch it right here:

Next up is Freddy's Nightmares – No More Mr. Nice Guy

     This is Freddy's origin story. This is the backstory put in visual play that you've always wanted to see. True, it's unpolished and filled with a bunch of nobody's, but Tobe Hooper directed this one and makes the best of it. While this is supposed to be canonical, it seems to be using some artistic embellishment. Normally, this is used to over dramatize a story, but seeing Freddy go up in flames in the way we were all told he did felt rushed and anti-climatic. Shortly after, the dreams start and it's all downhill from there. In fact, it falls flat until the end when Freddy finally has a decent signature kill. That was a loooong second half to sit through. I think had I got to see this in 1988, I still would have loved it. 

Thursday: Puppet Hump Day!

Demon Lords are soooo 1993...

Puppet Master 4

     Don't you just hate it when an underworld demon lord gets all up in your grill about your use of magic animation? Yeah, me too. And as it happens, demon lord Sutekh and his mighty nipples dispatch some mini-henchmen to kill some mostly innocent people for stumbling upon Toulons puppet creations. That's the main plot, anyway. Mr. Demon, a shirtless Henry Rollins wannabe, is pissed that Andre Toulon is using the secret magic that animates those stupid puppets. I'm not sure he holds the copyright or patents on it, but that's his beef. The rest of the movie is spent running around an old hotel watching the puppets take on the role of the good guys and lay waste to the mini-demon.

     One new puppet introduced is Decapatron, who shoots lightning out of one of his heads. He has to be electrified to start working so he's a bit high maintenance. It's also the vessel for Andre Toulons soul, so, lots of baggage there. There's a painfully awkward fight between Blade and a mini-demon that looks EXACTLY like when you made your GI Joe action figures fight. I cannot make that up.

     I hate each and every human character in this film. They are the whiniest bunch of ass hammers and should be set on fire and shot out of a cannon. And the demon lord? Aside from looking like a 'roided up nuclear fallout survivor, he had tennis balls for eyes and he clearly wanted you to know what he looked like naked. The perv.

     The story is mediocre, but I was intrigued enough to stick with it. Though is seems with every movie there's more information about the secret to the animation, there's also a bit more confusion to the continuity. I guess I'll just have to ignore it for the rest of the series even though each new plot relies on it heavily. However, this is slightly better than any of the first 3, so I like the upward trend I'm seeing. But I also know it only takes one half-assed sequel hastily slapped together to ruin the momentum.  

Wednesday: Mid Month Madness!!!

My Wood Elf Is Now Astride Your Fire Steed, Lose 200 Mobility Points

Midnight Chronicles
2010

First and foremost, if you're going to require viewers to actually read a passage before watching your movie, skip the calligraphy fonts.

Second, a written passage followed by a lengthy spoken one is too much.

Third, Netflix, this is NOT scifi, it's fantasy - the two are not interchangeable.

Okay, so it's not horror but all the talk of a Dark God bent on chaos promised gore. It did not deliver. Instead, there was a lot of talking, at least three or four different prophecies, far too many improperly introduced characters, and then, a lot more talking. You never even got to see the alleged Shadow in the North.

In truth, I should have ran screaming when my gaze fell upon the words "based on the role playing game, Midnight," but alas, I heeded not the warning.

And so it came to be that 100 minutes of spotty acting and painfully cliché dialogue were inflicted upon me. And there were many boredom breaks to pay bills and cook meals. And another promising menacing shadow did but yield a horned yeti with anger management issues. And before mine eyes, the aforementioned yeti rage was quelled with the glowing light of a badly inked nightclub-stamp tattoo. And said movie did end with the revelation of a secret library, stretching as far as the eye could see...though 99% of the populace was as illiterate as the day they were born.

Putting the 'happy' back in MURDER

It's a Wonderful Afterlife...

     In the first 4 minutes, you can hear an Indian rendition of The A-Team opening theme song. We're off to a great start!

     This is a British film centered around the Indian (dots, not feathers) population in Britain. Since it's British/Indian, even the worst actors sound better despite not being able to say 'garage' correctly.

     We start with some odd murders, including death by over eating/gastro-intestinal explosion, rolling pin impaling, and shish kabob neck stabbing, etc... But it's never a mystery who did the killing. After the last murder, the main characters mother starts seeing all the murder victims as spirits, and they start bugging the hell out of her...because SHE'S the one that did the murdering! OK, so it's a comedy, but it's got ghosts, murder, and I could use a break.

     As the story goes, now the mother and the victim-spirits need to get the daughter married off so they can ascend or reincarnate. Yeah, it's a flimsy, lighthearted tale that's easy to digest and isn't controversial. Quite frankly, at best this is a 'cute' movie and best watched on a Saturday/Sunday afternoon when football is taking over all the other channels. Yeah...it's also a chick flick. I picked one of the most metal of seasons to watch a chick flick when I should be watching chainsaw wielding ax murders chase scantly clad co-eds around a lake at night. However, there's a terrible scene near the end that satires Carrie so I'm going to uses that to validate my lame choice. As a lesson in perception, it's funny how nearly from the start you forget how the mother savagely beat someone to death, stabbed one in neck, and stabbed the last victim in the dick with a set of shears.....

Tuesday: # 4

A Romero In Thy Name Could Still Stink

George Romero Presents: Deadtime Stories Vol.1
(2011)


I'm trying to come up with a witty intro but I give up. These were three of the most boring, nonsensical horror shorts I've ever watched - utterly worse than "From A Whisper to a Scream" (at least that had Vincent Price).

Valley of the Shadow - A woman goes to the Amazon in search of her missing husband - or some witch fruit that looked like a giant bat's nads - and finds death at the hands of the whitest "native" I've ever seen. Seriously, this guy was so pasty he glowed, and yet no one seemed to see him "hiding" in the bright, verdant green of the rain forest. He was also covered in "tribal" tattoos that looked like souvenirs from a drunken blur of Vegas. There was no point to this at all. Also, the title made no sense.

McPasty

WeT - Lonely boozer by the sea stumbles upon the dismembered body of a mermaid and steals the jade & gold Morlai tombs she was encased in. He gets what he deserves and then some. I guess the end was meant to be bittersweet or sorrowful or whatever. It made an iota of sense.

...but he kept opening all the boxes.

Housecall - A mock period piece; a woman calls a country doctor to look in on her son who says he's a vampire. The mother doesn't believe him but as the story progresses, she sure does seem to be covering up a lot of "disappearances" for something she disputes is real. The good doctor puts the wood to junior but has his own reason for making the visit. This was probably the best out of the three but even it was lame and predictable.

Oh yeah, mom, it was just a cold.

Bah, humbug! I think I'm getting the half-way-through blues.

Toulon has a time machine...

Puppet Master 3: Toulon's Revenge

     So, just how great could a movie franchise be if 2 sequels are released direct-to-video in the same year? And better yet, they only made it till the 3^rd film to screw up the continuity. Please observe:

     This installment starts with Toulon giving a puppet show in Berlin 1941...which is odd because he committed suicide in California, 1939. Hmmm. Well anyhoo, his puppet shows are 'political satire' as he explains, and includes an Adolf Hitler puppet. That in itself seems like a really dumb thing to do in Nazi Germany. So the Gestapo is sent to put an end to it, as well as figure out Toulons secret to animating ugly little puppets. Unfortunately, the meeting didn't go well and veteran bad guy Richard Lynch shoots Toulon's wife dead. And now we have our title revenge plot!!! Don't feel too bad, he eventually puts his wife's essences into a puppet we now know as Leech Woman or Leech Barfing Puppet. She appears to answer to both.

     It's hard to call it a typical revenge horror film when there's a bunch of stupid murderous puppets running around, but that's what it felt like. There's one new cowboy puppet with 6 arms, and six guns most originally named Six Shooter. Like all the other puppets, he enjoys killing and his guns pack quite the punch.

"I could have been called something cool like Six Kill or Randy Bullet Shooter Arms. But noooo! I'm Six Shooter. I'm named after a noun!

      As Toulon commences his 'murdervenge', he meets up with a father and son also in hiding. The father eventually rats him out to the Gestapo and then damn near in the same breath warns Toulon of their arrival. This guy turns out to be a mass-hole and is thankfully shot while his son watches. In the final kill-scene, we see the Richard Lynch character hung by meat hooks and dropped onto a halberd ax. Cute!

This is a halberd ax. It kills Nazi's

     Actually, this is the best so far, but we have 6 to go and I'm hoping they get better progressively...but uh...you know what they call a pessimist? An optimist with experience. Keep that in mind.

Monday Double Hitter (because I screwed off Sunday to watch football and take unnecessary naps)! Next up, The lighter side of the afterlife...

That Night, After Deer Cheer...

Slither
(2006)


Oh, man is was so gross, it was great.

After something lands in their woods, a little hick town gets overrun by the slug-like spawn of an alien parasite. Really, that's pretty much the plot...and yet still it was more awesome than the last three movies I watched.

After he has a fight with his wife, a man goes out drinking, ends up in the woods and decides to follow a trail of slime. The obvious happens. The next day, his wife makes up with him - probably a new experience for the parasite, which becomes obsessed with her. By extension, all his slug-clones are also obsessed. Just what every girl wants.

Nathan Fillion plays the sheriff, who's carrying a torch for the wife of the parasite's host. Grant, the husband has been putting the munch of the neighborhood pets and kidnaps some tramp. A search party, including the wife and sheriff, track the mutated, pet stealing husband to a barn in the woods, but are too late to stop his plan. After that, they must fight off acid-spitting slug-zombies to get to a solution.

Okay, yeah, it ain't deep, but I loved it. Reminds me of Night of the Creeps.

10

The Devil's Minions Just Want Some Privacy

Gargoyles
(1972)


Populated by a cast of largely forgettable characters, this movie's title and opening credits are all done in a cheesy faux slime font. That's the caliber of this piece. However, the gargoyle costuming and makeup was rather good for the time period; very theatrical. On to the plot...

Oh yeah, it's going to be a first class ride.

Some old desert codger persuades a paleontologist and his shirt-challenged daughter, to visit is back-shed of wonders. He has a skeleton that the doc doesn't believe...until some things show up and wreck the place to get it back. That would've been enough for a normal person, but intellectuals always have something to prove. Doc swipes the skull, inviting the winged vermin back to his motel.

Uncle Willie and friend.

One of the retrieval party gets nailed by a mack truck and, since he hasn't learned from the first two encounters, doc stashes the body in his room. The next time the gargoyles come out in force, with their leader, who takes a shine to his daughter.

What's that you say about Incubus? Big Daddy likes!

Back in the lair, Big Daddy Gargs tells the daughter that they just want to be left alone. However, when they learn of the search party for the girl, he changes his tune to wipe-them-all-out-and-take-over. In the end, it's a draw. they both take their women and go.

Some of the dialogue is painful - especially from the annoying daughter.

Verdict: Forgotten with good reason.

7 - only because gargoyles are rare and they looked good.

Well, that's over...

The Prophecy: Forsaken
(2005)


There isn't even much to say about this other than it stars Tony Todd and Jason Scott Lee. Candy Man puts the Dragon to the task of eliminating the keeper of the tome from the previous movie (this is a direct sequel). He has second thoughts and we have 60 more minutes.

Apparently now the book will prophesy who the antichrist is. Candy Man wants to off the child before Armageddon can start. In the end his plan is thwarted by a method that could just as easily been done with a match and less personal injury.

At lease this movie began with subtitles. Although, the priest spoke for like two minutes and the words only read, "No, it can't be." Todd and Scott have aged well. Thus concludes The Prophecy series. Do yourself a favor and stop at 3.

Verdict: Miss-able

7

Interpreter Needed

The Prophecy: Uprising
(2005)

Eastern Europe. Whenever film companies wants to beat a dying horse - and do it with cheap help - they situate the next installation in Eastern Europe.  That said, this wasn't a bad sequel so much as it was annoying that someone (either at Netflix or encoding) didn't see fit to provide subtitles. Nearly the whole first half of the movie is spoken in some guttural Slavic language (probably Polish) with intermittent bursts of equally unintelligible English.

This whole movie is about the pursuit of a book called the 'something Lexicon', which is the final word of God, being written as you read it. There's a body-jumping demon named Belial after it, and a couple of angels trying to keep it from him. The bulk of the movie is pretty much common fare for the franchise. There's a twist at the end that I wasn't really expecting. Now that I have time to think about it, it doesn't add up that this particular character could have been in this form since the 1930s in Eastern Europe, but be in a different form in the US in the mid-90's. Whatever.

I don't think the movie stars anyone you'd notice.

Maybe a 7.

Verdict: Miss-able