In space, nobody can hear you face-palm....

 Jason X

    Uhh....somehow Jason is still alive and in a research facility. You know how well that will work, so he inevitably escapes. While attempting to to murder everyone in the facility, he's trapped in a cryo tank and frozen, but not before claiming one last victim. We jump ahead 445  year, and super smart future people open his tank and even frozen, he still manages to cut someones arm off! After a bunch of sciency stuff, both Jason and last victim are revived. And as you know, things get a lot stabbier when that happens.

     While Jason does his prey-stalking you're treated to a bunch of typical future space tropes including, but not limited to, a Space Machete. In a lot of ways, it reminded me of Andromeda and I half expected Sorbo to to be a deus ex machina. At about the 3/4 point in the movie, Jason is beat back into an infirmary where nanobot things reformat him to become Future Space Jason. Sure...I'll buy it. A lot of nuttier things have happened in this franchise. Makes perfect sense. We've had Hellraiser and Leprechaun in space, so why the hell not?

Don't worry. She's a robot that nobody liked.

    The only scene that saved this movie was the virtual campers. It almost makes up for this superfluous Jason vs Star Trek film. You don't really need to watch the entire movie, so just jump to that scene and call it watched!

"Hey, you want to drink a beer?"

Deaths by: Stabbing, spearing, freezing face mash, stabbing by future machete, wall+skull bash, neck snapping, impalement with an auger, machete to throat, chopping in half, beheading, electrocution, and sucked through vent via cabin decompression.


Saturday: This has NOTHING to do with candy....

People still wear tutus? Are they doing it ironically?

Halloween Pussy Trap KILL KILL

     This film starts with a generic Middle Eastern battle with US soldiers. 3 of the American soldiers are captured and shot, beheaded, or had their face ripped off. We skip ahead to some dorky crap band playing club gigs and they really suck. There's some inner turmoil and one of the members is kicked out for trying to rape one of the other band mates, and that's a pretty solid deal breaker. On the road to the next gig they meet a very humbled Richard Grieco trying to act like a hick-neck. He ends up gassing them and trapping them in a dungeon. That's when Dave Fucking Mustaine introduces himself as The Mastermind (aka the guy that had his face ripped off), and proceeds to give them even more gas causing hallucinations and I guess it's a torture porn movie?
     The rest of the movie is a Saw ripoff where the 'contestants' make their way through chamber after chamber to earn their freedom, usually after causing someone else's death. I don't know what this film is trying to be. It's got good title, but it's like a cross between a Tromaville movie and a really shitty Tromaville movie. It's a damn dime store Saw, and it fails. Damn it, I thought it was going to be a FUN movie.

   Congratulations, you've won this years Worst Movie honor.

Next time, make the title more accurately reflect what it is:  Stupid People overacting in a Terribly Written Film'.

Friday: X marks the spot, I guess...

Oh so NOW the Feds want to get involved....

Jason Goes To Hell : The Final Friday
aka #9

     Hawty undercover FBI agent lures Jason into a trap by getting naked. Which honestly, is a pretty good plan. They completely annihilate him in an ambush so it was really more of a assassination. Jason is blown to bits and they could really just end the movie there. But no, we've got another hour and twenty minutes to go.

     While performing the autopsy on the bits and pieces left over, Jason's still beating heart possesses a man who then quickly devours it. When you've run out of ideas to bring him back, just rely on the vague and ambiguous.

nomnomnomnom

     After taking the pathologist for a test drive, we meet our next group of victims making thier way to Camp Blood, aka Crystal Lake. Everybody knows the stories but they keep coming like some dumb horny suicide cult. They're quickly dispatched and Jason decided it's time to change bodies. He does so by...um...spitting some sort of dark mouth turd into the hosts mouth. Non of this is making sense to me. From the start they introduced Steven Williams as some wandering bounty hunter that's got full insight and know's that Jason is possessing bodies. His character is annoying and useless even after he explains what's going on. But that's the problem with this movie! You get overloaded with details and plot turns. There's so many other things going on that I don't care about. Why would you ever make a Jason movie with some sort of deep plot? Stick to slashing, not fucking magic daggers or parasites! Enough of this, I'm sure the next one will be back on track...

Deaths by: Probing, slashing, long spikey thing through the back, knife to back, post possession melting, really hard smack to the face, fryer drowning, chin jam, reverse spearing w/head crush, and a lot more implied deaths that might just be concussions. Hard to say.

Thursday: The title is VERY misleading....

Kevin Smith smokes too much weed....

Tusk

     There's a lot to digest here, but I'll try my best.  Two idiots have a pod cast. One of the idiots travels around getting face to face with weird people that end up in video memes or whatever.  While in Canada searching for a boy that cut his leg off on video, he encounters an old man that would love to tell some amazing stories of his life's travels. The meeting goes as expected till he passes out. When he wakes, he's surprised to see one of his legs missing.  This is all perfectly understandable but he's not buying the 'spider bite = amputation' explanation and then it goes down hill from there.  We soon learn that this old man has a thing for walruses and just needs a new walrus friend. That means the ever-annoying character played by Justin Long MUST become a walrus. And to do that, he must wear a walrus suit!

Who's a happy walrus? This guy!

     And before you know it, he's a very ugly walrus and this film went over the edge. Eventually his girlfriend and best boy start running around Canada looking for him and they agree to meet with Guy LaPointe aka Johnny Depp who has been on the trail of this old man nut-job.  Meanwhile, there's a walrus fight and justice prevails but also hands you an ambiguous ending.

That right there is cold blooded walrus suit MURDER.

 
     Like a lot of Kevin Smith films, there might be some social commentary mixed in, but you have to wade through a lot of weirdness to get there. And even once you do that, you realize it's implausible and unnecessary. That's when you say to yourself  "Damn, that boy smokes too much weed".

Wednesday: We kinda assumed he was there all along....

First time in the City, Big Guy?

Friday the 13th 8: Jason takes Manhattan

     This marks the 3rd time Jason has been resurrected, and the second by electricity. Two dumb-asses on a houseboat in Crystal Lake accidentally hit an underwater power cable and naturally it wakes Jason up.  He hops on board the houseboat and gets all stabby. After some trudging around he makes his way to an even bigger ship full of idiots and headed for New York City! This ship is also a powder keg full of unchecked emotional baggage and side stories nobody cares about. And trust me, it won't be long before you're rooting for Jason. Most every one of these idiots are just begging for the machete treatment.

Whatsamatter? Don't like being type-cast?

     Technically, the movie does have scenes in NYC, but over half of the film takes place on a ship! A ship with an alarming amount of axes and shotguns! Once in the city, the movie only slightly improves but you're still subjected to the same prey-stalking. The only addition would be the predictable interactions Jason has with the NYC and it's people. And the retro-naught in me is loving the Manhattan scenes. Even though I've never been there, I still love the nostalgia.

Only one cop seen in the entire movie. ONE.

     Deaths by: spear gun, stabbed by trident, guitar to the skull, stabbed by glass shard, another spear gun stabbing, machete to throat, choking, electrocution, shotgun to chest, falling onto radio antenna, axe to back, hypodermic needle to the back, having your head punched off, drowning in a barrel,  pipe wrench to skull.

Tuesday: It's a Kevin Smith film, so I'm not sure if I should take it serious or not...

If it has tentacles...

...you know it's from Japan

Meatball Machine

     This is another over-the-top splater-fest from our friends in Nippon. It features parasites that take over a human body and contol its nearly every move. Naturally, everything is blood-drenched and the story might be overly complex. More so than necessary as usual. The short story is, Yoji likes Sachiko. Yoji finds a strange 'thing' and takes it home. Then one night, Yoji sees Sachiko with another man who is attempting to rape her. Yoji tries to defend her but gets his ass kicked. The good news is, she goes home with him anyway. The bad news is, that 'thing' he found is triggered by emotions and it latches onto Sachiko and takes over her body. Bad date, dude!

     Later on, we learn that there is a man hunting and growing them because he's an asshole. AND it's keeping his daughter alive since she's been infected as well. Sadly, this leads Yoji to become infected and he decides to hunt down Sachiko to 'free' her of the parasite. By 'free', I mean kill. There's a boring battle and everyone dies in the end and we're treated to an epilogue explaining this is a game to the parasites. Thhhhpppppttttt!!!

     Not as crazy as some of the other Japanese films I've seen, but at least those had a relevant film title.

Monday: Sometimes even Jason needs to get out of Jersey...