It's not pleasant, but it's not unpleasent

The Void

     One of the worst things about cults is when they actually DO have a portal to another dimension.  Officer Chumparelli, aka Daniel  has just found that out after picking up a wounded man crawling along a road. After bringing the future red-shirt to the hospital, all hell breaks loose. Eye stabbings, face ripping, neck stabbing, and axing a tentacle monster that happens to drop by. And that was just the first half hour!

     The rest of the film bleeds in the back story while cranking up the intensity level with the ambiance and sound track. This is NOT your normal hospital. It appears to be the test lab for the creepy white robbed cult led by the resident doctor and they like to deal in "making people better". By better, I mean turning people into deformed monstrosities that can't die (but want to).
After fighting his way through a horde of walking drippy corpses, being forced to take an ax to his wife, and taking a knife to the back,  our hero pushes Dr. Mangle-Face into the portal he JUST opened, and we draw the film to a close with an ambiguous epilogue.

     Despite starting out as part tentacle porn, part inter-dimensional horror, this film moves away from a potential to become the next mash-up of The Thing and Event Horizon. It's mostly fresh with great acting and decent dialog. They do everything they can to bring the intensity levels exponentially throughout the film and it works. It's not perfect, but you wouldn't recognize this as a low budget film. It's that well put together.

It's a fucked up movie.....I loved it!

Sunday: FUUUUUCK...more damn Nazi zombies. Why the hell is it always Nazi zombies?!?

Prohibition sucks!

Bloodrunners

     Ice T is the show runner in a speakeasy during Prohibition. The local cops are aware of the joint but would rather shake it down than shut it down. Oh, and the proprietors of the speakeasy are vampires. Goddamn, this shit just writes itself!!!

     Shakedowns go bad, people are eaten, mild gore, poorly placed drama, unnecessary back stories, bad dialog, and even worse acting round out this cheap half-assed attempt to put someones vampire noir fan-fiction to film. But the jokes on me because they made it, and I'm watching it! Amazingly, they hammer this dried-out turd for over 90 minutes with a paltry estimated budget of just under half a million. I'm pretty sure T is paid more per episode for L&O:SVU than this entire films possible budget.

     You know what's sad?  If the cops hadn't been so damn greedy, everyone would be happy! The cops would get their payoff, the vamps would get the money they needed to make their way to New York....yeah by the way, that was the master plan. But nooOOOOoooo, now it's a literal blood feud and our climax brings us to the vampires den to save a young damsel in distress.

     The ending is typical and leaves the door open for a sequel, but why the hell would they want to do that? Why would you want to create an endless series of films based on a premier story-line?
OH right...it's a horror film.

Saturday: It's everything and it's nothing..

No, really! That's the name of the movie!

Killdozer!

Those poor people in 1974....

Based on a Theodore Sturgeon novel? WTF....OK, so a falling rock from outer space lands on some Earth island and is covered up over time.

Pretty much says it all.

    The worlds best villains, oil drilling companies, are clearing the land for an air strip  so they can be more evil by building more oil rigs. The crew tries to extract the rock, but it starts glowing and attaches its non-specific magic blue glowy stuff to the dozer they were using and that's when things go down hill. Actually, it went down-hill when you realized that you're watching a 1974 made-for-TV "horror" movie about a sentient piece of construction equipment that appears to hate people.

     There's not really much to this one. Simple and dumb. Dreadfully boring and not scary. There was never any sense of urgency. This movie tries to be serious, but you just can't sell this to people. Killer Clowns from Outer Space was more believable than this.  Obvious to everyone on the set, this was a quick paycheck. But it's another classic I can cross off the list.....but I'll never get the time back

Only one cast note that I found interesting:
A very young Robert Urich!

Friday: Blood sucking...eh....bartenders?

Happy St. Valenpatriceasternovmboweenmas Day!

Holidays

     Oh, I love me a horror anthology! We've got 8 short stories covering all the major holidays and 2 meh days. It's hard to sum up,  but here's everything in a nutshell: Literal Valentines Day heart, snake birth, Jesus bunny swapping, arm birth, dildo torture, virtual real murder, and red hot psycho on psycho action!

I wasn't kidding about that 'hand birth'

    It always frustrates me to try and review or regurgitate anthologies. There's several stories to cover and I tend to be sparse with the details because it's unnecessary.  The best part about them is that even if they're bad, they don't last long before moving on to the next story (I learned that from Snoop Dog's Hood of Horror). But rest assured this one is worth watching. Most of the cast is on the low end of famous, but Seth Green (Christmas) makes an appearance as well as Kevin Smith directing (Halloween). Everyone does a spot on job and makes this fun to watch.

Thursday: Maybe the second dumbest movie for this year....

Obligatory Turd in the Punch Bowl

Zombie Spring Breakers

A.K.A. Ibiza Undead

Really, had NOTHING to do with Spring Break. The English don't have Spring Breaks. They have Holidays.

     I hate zombie movies. In the early days, they were brainless slaves drugged up or under mind control. Then Romero came in and turned them into brain eaters, though I don't think the word 'zombie' was ever used in the that film. They were boring, staggering, uncharasmatic dullards that I never feared. It wasn't until the 2000's turned them into insanely fast, strong, and tough-to-kill blood thirsty maniacs. In short, they had to crank them up to make them slightly scary or interesting. That's why it's difficult to watch ANY zombie movie......
   
     ....unless it's a comedy...maybe...   That brings us to this film. An Engilsh 'zomedy' film centered in the Mediterranean. Some bloke thought running a night club using zombies dancing on stages would be the best asset, so he buys a ship full of them. Sadly, the ship sinks and the cargo....well, it just starts walking to the shore. In the mean time, 3 turds  and a woman from England decide to holiday at that same island. What are the chances, right?

     From there, it's all about survival with a little bit of dark humor thrown in. Truthfully, I never laughed out loud, but I might have smiled once. It's not a great, or even good movie. But it's not a bad movie either. Like most zombie movies, it's a 90 minute time waster.


Wednesday: I guess it is technically the start of the Holiday Season.....

It's hard not to root for the sharks....

     Anymore, it appears that real horror is the reality on the evening news or just outside our front doors. That being said, let's drown out the real horror with the splattery, choppy, violent, silly, stupid, and groan-worthy movies that we've come to love. Starting with:

Sharknado 5: Global Swarming

Tara is starting to look like Dog the Bounty Hunter.

     Yep.....I'm starting out this year with a soon to be classic. That's what I've been telling myself since the very first Sharknado. The jury is still out on that, but we're here and we're doing this.
We start with our happy Shepard family in London for some sharknado reason, and Fin is called to investigate a cave near Stonehenge with sharknado writings on the wall. After touching and grabbing things that CLEARLY shouldn't be touched or grabbed....they START a sharknado. Smooth move, guy. That's going to kill a LOT of people. But we already knew that Fin is 75% dumb-ass. Anyhoo, the sharknado heads for London and starts fucking EVERYTHING up. Then it heads to Australia...and Rio, Giza, Rome, Tokyo, ...FFS, it's on a world tour.

     This movie is total shlock! One-liners, puns, and an endless caravan of cameos by:  Chris Kattan, Samantha Fox, Katie Price, Charo, Nichelle Nichols, Geraldo Rivera, Sasha Cohen, Oliva Newton-John, Tony Hawk....Christ, this list goes on forever. And even better, most of them die horrifically or as violent as possible. However, they spared Charo and I think that was a mistake considering they made her the Queen of England.

     I can't begin to list every face-palm this movie does, but it moves fast enough that it seems like a breeze through your mind. Oh, and don't use your brain when watching this. If you do, you won't finish it. Likely, you'll give up after the second or third corny cameo or unreasonable scientific explanation as to how a school of sharks exposed to nuclear waste become a gigantic shark that wrecks the hell out of Tokyo. The evidence all points to this movie being written by a 12yr old nearing puberty. I couldn't find any decent .gifs, so I'll include a near perfect representation of this film.

It's like a mirror image.

     Bad movie or good movie? It's a fucking Sharknado movie! It's both! But it does have one overall crowning achievement above all other prior films:

THEY KILLED OFF BRET MICHAELS! THIS MOVIE IS MY FUCKING HERO!!!!

Tuesday: As always when dealing with spring breakers, root for the monster...