This is all New Zealand's fault...

Killer Sofa

     Follow me if you will: Francesca dates assholes. One particular asshole is a stalker and ends up sacrificing himself so that his soul will be imbedded into a sofa. In turn, Francesca ends up with the sofa. Since it contains the soul of her stalker, it becomes super jelly of her would-be suiters. Most of them are turds and have no chance with her, but they're still a threat to the soul in the sofa. Needless to say, the competition has got to go!.....and the sofa starts killing people.

     I had a hard time figuring out if this was supposed to serious, black comedy, or just silly. The premise is silly, but the cinematography was serious. As was the dialog and mood. But...the sofa leering out windows...please observe:

Here it is looking out a window

Here it is leering down from atop a deck

Here it is disposing of a body

Here it is leering out the window again, but in .gif format

     How the hell am I supposed to take this movie serious?

     Anyhoo, pretty soon she catches on that the sofa....hang on, this has been bugging me: That is NOT a sofa. That is an easy chair. Sofa's fit at least 2 people while our upholstered murderer can only seat 1. Ergo, that is a fucking easy chair, NOT a sofa....right, so pretty soon she realizes that the EASY CHAIR is killing people and she tries to stop it with the help of a former rabbi. I won't spoil the ending for you because I'm not really sure I understood who was who by the time the credits rolled. Thankfully, I should never have to watch this movie again..

Saturday: Not sure if this is a sequel, or a re-boot.....

Hail to the Prez, baby!!!

 President Wolfman

     Back in 2013, I promised myself I'd never have to watch Werewolf In Washington again. Once again, I made the mistake of saying 'never' about a horror film. It's 2020, and it's time to revisit an old adversary in the form of Dean Stockwell's masterpiece but with a twist: It's been re-dubbed, re-written, and re-formatted with new footage from completely different films stitched in all throughout. What was the point of doing this? To make a piece of garbage into a piece of crap. And it worked! 

     Honestly, there's no point in getting into the story. It's just too silly. Just hop in, listen to the ridiculous dialog and admire how much work they put into what was one of the most boring movies I've ever seen. Vote Wolfman!

Sunday: Another unnecessary sequel...

There's not much else you can do with a cube...

 Cube Zero

     This movie franchise's premise has reached it's limit, and it's starting to show. That usually happens when a prequel is involved, and that's just what we're seeing here. For the first time, we're shown a little of the inner workings of the cube, and really it's just a bunch of button-pushers.  They repeatedly watch people die on all sorts of horrific manners, but don't seem to mind...

    ....that is until one hottie trapped in the cube complex is recognized by a young button-pusher, as he's seen her in his dreams. Suddenly, he grows a conscience and starts to concern himself with her situation. Eventually, in an effort to get her out of there safely, he enters the cube and begins to help the remaining party. I should mention that this film's cube party is more of the same: Different personalities thrown into a melting pot, trying to get out. Sadly, they're all boring as hell and not really worth mentioning.

All we've learned after 3 movies, is there's no real escape from the cube, and no real purpose other than to torture the prisoners . Most times, they don't even know (or can't remember) why they're there. What's the point of torture if the victims don't even know why they're being punished? Whatevs, the good news is, I'm done with the Cube movies. 1 cool film, 2 dull sequels that I'll forget in a month. Time to move on o something a little more serious...

Friday: I lied about the serious movie....

Obligatory Summer Camp Slaughter!!!

Sleepaway Camp 3

     A young woman leaves for camp and mumbles something about not coming back to her parents. Prophetic because soon she's run over by a trash truck, thrown in the compactor, never seen again. Who would commit such an atrocity? Well, the Boss's sister, of course!!! 

That's supposed to be a guy, btw.

     That's right, Pamela Springsteen returns as Angela Baker for another Summer camp romp after stealing the first victims identity. Her mission? Punish teens that fornicate, drink, smoke, and...well, just about everything a teen does. This particular group, while from various walks of life, are mostly troubled teens so it's kinda like handing the Zippo to the pyromaniac. Angela desperately wants the happy Summer camp experience but it keeps getting ruined by kids doing sinful things! So out comes the claws, axes, guns, and uh.....flagpole?

     It's kinda clear that the writers are running out of ideas and I never thought I'd say that even the third Leprechaun movie was more original, but seeing is believing. It's got boobs, blood, yelling, running, side drama, and racial stereotypes 'from the streets', but soooo much meh!

     And guess what, there's 2 more!...but that's for another time. This is where we say goodbye to Ms. Baker for the season and move on to things more....symmetrical.

Thursday: Thankfully, the last film about horror boxes...

What if they tried something round instead....

 Cube 2: Hyper Cube

   There's no doubt about it, this is the lackluster cousin of a pretty decent movie named Cube. We have new players, but similar situations and an annoying ending. And for the second time in a row, there's one stabby asshole while everyone else wants out and is willing to work on it.

     At this point, a franchise can go 2 directions: Better than the first movie (rare), or worse than the first with a smaller and smaller budget (typical). This went the latter, but really tried it's best to be as interesting as the first. Sure, they try to feed a little more info in as to why the cube maze exists, but really it doesn't. It's not a terrible watch, but it is full of meh and had an ending I don't get. But this .gif will give some clues as to my feelings on the film:

So the real question is will the 3rd film be better or round out the downfall?

Wednesday: Bruce Springsteen's fun-hating sister...