The Shrine
2010
I can't even remember these people's names. If that doesn't tell you the caliber of this movie...
An annoying journalist trying to make a name for herself, convinces her boyrfriend to fly to Alvania in search of a missing tourist. They're accompanied by an intern from said journalist's employers, who think they are off investigating dying bees. This movie took an hour - ONE HOUR - before anything even remotely considered "action" took place. Then it was over in 12 minutes.
Basically, unfriendly locals have been killing people for trespassing in their misty forest where a spooky statue lives. I'll admit, the end was good, but I don't think I could make someone sit through an hour of Carmen's (journalist?) pissed boyfriend telling her they ought to go home. There were some good moments in the lead-up - mostly of the "why would you DO that?" variety. Like, why would you go down into the closed-off bunker dug into a hillside - especially after a creepy little girl tells you all the tourists are there.
Perhaps the most annoying thing was that like 75% of the movie is in Polish. No subtitles. Just Polish. Whose genius idea was that?
Monday, October 31, 2016
Zombie Big Brother
Re-kill
2012
So...this movie was actually kind of interesting. "Re-Kill" is actually a reality show shot live, on a 2hr delay, in a post-outbreak America. The world's population has been decimated by a particularly virulent virus that creates savage zombies. It's nearly impossible to quell outbreaks. Anyone suspected of being infected is terminated. Meanwhile, in between the footage from the series, are several propaganda commercials from corporations and special interest groups promoting anti-zombie vaccines (that probably don't work), re-population sex clubs(?), and "where were you" spotlights and patriot tales. Sort of reminds me of Starship Troopers.
In this segment of the series they are shadowing a new recruit (who quickly buys the farm), but end up being deployed on a suicide mission to discover the truth about the mysterious Project Judas. It's not so mysterious: scientists tinkering with re-ans (the zombies) screw up and create a kind of super re-an who dispatches them but somehow manages to keep the project running to amass an army. Queue outbreak number two.
While this is going on, there's a religious quack team member who has been ranting about the plague being god's work a la Westboro Baptist Church. Apparently god is preening the wicked from his garden with a disease that not only kills people, but turns them into ravenous cannibals. Couldn't wait for him to buy it.
I could say a lot more about some of the sociocultural issues but it's not that exciting.
2012
So...this movie was actually kind of interesting. "Re-Kill" is actually a reality show shot live, on a 2hr delay, in a post-outbreak America. The world's population has been decimated by a particularly virulent virus that creates savage zombies. It's nearly impossible to quell outbreaks. Anyone suspected of being infected is terminated. Meanwhile, in between the footage from the series, are several propaganda commercials from corporations and special interest groups promoting anti-zombie vaccines (that probably don't work), re-population sex clubs(?), and "where were you" spotlights and patriot tales. Sort of reminds me of Starship Troopers.
In this segment of the series they are shadowing a new recruit (who quickly buys the farm), but end up being deployed on a suicide mission to discover the truth about the mysterious Project Judas. It's not so mysterious: scientists tinkering with re-ans (the zombies) screw up and create a kind of super re-an who dispatches them but somehow manages to keep the project running to amass an army. Queue outbreak number two.
While this is going on, there's a religious quack team member who has been ranting about the plague being god's work a la Westboro Baptist Church. Apparently god is preening the wicked from his garden with a disease that not only kills people, but turns them into ravenous cannibals. Couldn't wait for him to buy it.
I could say a lot more about some of the sociocultural issues but it's not that exciting.
Can I Interest You In A Watchtower and Lyncanthropy?
Late Phases
2014
On the day Ambrose McKinley moves into a secluded retirement community, a wild animal attacks, leaving several dead. Ambrose doesn't believe the spiel about it being common for places close to the woods. Nor does he believe it's a bear. He sets out to kill the beast.
oh, and he's blind.
Yep, so it's Blind Fury vs, Silver Bullet in a elderly community. This isn't a bad movie per se - even though the werewolves looked like mutant terriers in furry adult footie pajamas...and there's brief elderly nudity. Ambrose is kind of a dick but most of the residents are self righteous a-holes, so his sarcasm is well deserved. Nonetheless, he starts training (with a shovel) and hatching a plan to catch the werewolf. Unfortunately, the werewolf sees him with some ammo and realizes the jig is up. It hatches it's own plan in desperation and things get a little hairy for Ambrose.
One thing that annoyed me about this movie was how the werewolf confesses to someone and the guy watches the full transformation before he decides that maybe he should try to make a run for it in his 20yr old station wagon. Of course this fails and werewolf literally jumps Matrix-style through the air and like kick-lands through the windshield...in that furry pajama jumpsuit thingy. Comedy.
Yeah, it's probably not the worse movie you'll ever see.
2014
On the day Ambrose McKinley moves into a secluded retirement community, a wild animal attacks, leaving several dead. Ambrose doesn't believe the spiel about it being common for places close to the woods. Nor does he believe it's a bear. He sets out to kill the beast.
oh, and he's blind.
Yep, so it's Blind Fury vs, Silver Bullet in a elderly community. This isn't a bad movie per se - even though the werewolves looked like mutant terriers in furry adult footie pajamas...and there's brief elderly nudity. Ambrose is kind of a dick but most of the residents are self righteous a-holes, so his sarcasm is well deserved. Nonetheless, he starts training (with a shovel) and hatching a plan to catch the werewolf. Unfortunately, the werewolf sees him with some ammo and realizes the jig is up. It hatches it's own plan in desperation and things get a little hairy for Ambrose.
One thing that annoyed me about this movie was how the werewolf confesses to someone and the guy watches the full transformation before he decides that maybe he should try to make a run for it in his 20yr old station wagon. Of course this fails and werewolf literally jumps Matrix-style through the air and like kick-lands through the windshield...in that furry pajama jumpsuit thingy. Comedy.
Yeah, it's probably not the worse movie you'll ever see.
#31, please step forward....
Saturday the 14th
Another throwback from the early '80s, I 'kinda' remember this movie on HBO and I thought it was funny but I never got to see the whole thing. I was also about 8 and thought the Smurfs were pretty boss. So much for nostalgia...
We meet John and his wife Mary at a will reading. Someone died and they won a house! Oh, and it's cursed. They also have kids and a dog making them the prototypical Reagan era nuclear family.
As they move into the new old house, we find another couple wanting to buy it, at any cost. They're willing to do just about anything to get that damn house, or more importantly, a book inside. They're vampires, by the way...just thought I'd throw that in there. It's clear right from the start that house is indeed cursed and it all centers on that book. So off to the wacky races we go, trying to get that book. One surefire method was to give the wife Mary a big ol vampire kiss on the neck so that he could control her and force her to retrieve the book for them. Throughout the movie, she slowly starts to show signs of becoming a vampire but the fatal flaw is now that she's becoming a vamp, she can't touch the book. Well thought out plan, dork.
Then VanHellsing shows up acting as an exterminator when a bat shows up in the attic, and of course all hell starts to break loose with monsters showing up in tubs, closets, refrigerators, etc....
Did I mention this was a comedy? What a difference 30+ years makes because I think I chuckled once throughout the film. Horror comedies have been around since the first horror films, but this one didn't even try! Even all 5 Scary Movies were funnier to watch. ALL OF THEM. This was a stinker and I waited all month to see it. As usual, I wanted a light or fun movie on the last day, and thought this would be perfect. I was wrong. It was dumb. And I'm done.
That's right! I'm out of movies! 31 in a row, and I think for the first time ever, no interruptions!
But I'm tired of movies. I'm going to go read a damn book or something
 |
| Nowhere in this film does any of these things happen. This movie poster is a LIE!!! |
Another throwback from the early '80s, I 'kinda' remember this movie on HBO and I thought it was funny but I never got to see the whole thing. I was also about 8 and thought the Smurfs were pretty boss. So much for nostalgia...
We meet John and his wife Mary at a will reading. Someone died and they won a house! Oh, and it's cursed. They also have kids and a dog making them the prototypical Reagan era nuclear family.
As they move into the new old house, we find another couple wanting to buy it, at any cost. They're willing to do just about anything to get that damn house, or more importantly, a book inside. They're vampires, by the way...just thought I'd throw that in there. It's clear right from the start that house is indeed cursed and it all centers on that book. So off to the wacky races we go, trying to get that book. One surefire method was to give the wife Mary a big ol vampire kiss on the neck so that he could control her and force her to retrieve the book for them. Throughout the movie, she slowly starts to show signs of becoming a vampire but the fatal flaw is now that she's becoming a vamp, she can't touch the book. Well thought out plan, dork.
Then VanHellsing shows up acting as an exterminator when a bat shows up in the attic, and of course all hell starts to break loose with monsters showing up in tubs, closets, refrigerators, etc....
Did I mention this was a comedy? What a difference 30+ years makes because I think I chuckled once throughout the film. Horror comedies have been around since the first horror films, but this one didn't even try! Even all 5 Scary Movies were funnier to watch. ALL OF THEM. This was a stinker and I waited all month to see it. As usual, I wanted a light or fun movie on the last day, and thought this would be perfect. I was wrong. It was dumb. And I'm done.
That's right! I'm out of movies! 31 in a row, and I think for the first time ever, no interruptions!
But I'm tired of movies. I'm going to go read a damn book or something
Sunday, October 30, 2016
It had 2 titles, and nobody knew either of them....
Seance aka Killer In The Dark.
Wow...where do I begin?
Let's start with the story basics. Dumb-ass father and young son break into a church and vandalize the hell out of it. For some reason, they climb up to the steeple and are struck by lightning and die. Fast forward to the future where we see Corey Feldman having a party with some old college buddies and tells a story about when he was a kid, he had a ghost friend, which I'm sure you've guessed by now, is the spirit of that poor child with the really dumb dad. "Hey, let's do a seance to see if I can still get a hold of that old chum of mine" , says Corey. Great idea, because we've never seen a horror film before and we have no idea what could possibly go wrong with that.
Naturally, everything goes wrong and that little bastard starts possessing people and offing the group of friends, one by one. Solid story writing. I hope they don't have any silly kills in....oh no, wait. A guy had his throat slit by a CD that came flying out of a computer. Never mind, we're already in suck-ville.
Yeah, this movie is shit. It's part legend because it was made in 2001 but never released. Not to theaters, VHS, DVD, or even to network. Someone had to leak it in 10 parts to Youtube, and after watching it, you'll know why....
http://www.theverge.com/2015/5/13/8597427/adam-west-corey-feldman-seance-killer-in-the-dark-youtube
I once watched a movie named The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made, and it featured a scene where a giant fetus destroyed a city. It was bad, but not the worst even though/because it was by design. This? This was trying to be a real movie but it looks more like a web-series. Most movies are filmed in 24-30 fps, and this was done in 48. That makes it look like a soap and I'm pretty sure they stole the sets from Guiding Light or some such. The F/X is all katsup and rubber knives, the acting is some of the worst I've ever seen, and I'm pretty sure the only reason Adam West shows up is because he was walking by the set one day and someone offered him $50 to say one line and wave his arms around for a total of 45 seconds of screen time.
Poor Corey Feldman. He really had to suck it up to do this film despite movie credits like 2 Friday the 13th installments, The Lost Boys, Toxic Avenger 4, Meatballs 4....Yet, he did this in 2001, and not learning anything from it, made Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys 3 years later. This is why you take acting classes even after you made it in Hollywood. YOU NEED RANGE, BRO!!! This, without a doubt, has been the worst movie I've seen this horror fest.
Monday: The final film for 2016
Wow...where do I begin?
Let's start with the story basics. Dumb-ass father and young son break into a church and vandalize the hell out of it. For some reason, they climb up to the steeple and are struck by lightning and die. Fast forward to the future where we see Corey Feldman having a party with some old college buddies and tells a story about when he was a kid, he had a ghost friend, which I'm sure you've guessed by now, is the spirit of that poor child with the really dumb dad. "Hey, let's do a seance to see if I can still get a hold of that old chum of mine" , says Corey. Great idea, because we've never seen a horror film before and we have no idea what could possibly go wrong with that.
Naturally, everything goes wrong and that little bastard starts possessing people and offing the group of friends, one by one. Solid story writing. I hope they don't have any silly kills in....oh no, wait. A guy had his throat slit by a CD that came flying out of a computer. Never mind, we're already in suck-ville.
Yeah, this movie is shit. It's part legend because it was made in 2001 but never released. Not to theaters, VHS, DVD, or even to network. Someone had to leak it in 10 parts to Youtube, and after watching it, you'll know why....
http://www.theverge.com/2015/5/13/8597427/adam-west-corey-feldman-seance-killer-in-the-dark-youtube
I once watched a movie named The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made, and it featured a scene where a giant fetus destroyed a city. It was bad, but not the worst even though/because it was by design. This? This was trying to be a real movie but it looks more like a web-series. Most movies are filmed in 24-30 fps, and this was done in 48. That makes it look like a soap and I'm pretty sure they stole the sets from Guiding Light or some such. The F/X is all katsup and rubber knives, the acting is some of the worst I've ever seen, and I'm pretty sure the only reason Adam West shows up is because he was walking by the set one day and someone offered him $50 to say one line and wave his arms around for a total of 45 seconds of screen time.
Poor Corey Feldman. He really had to suck it up to do this film despite movie credits like 2 Friday the 13th installments, The Lost Boys, Toxic Avenger 4, Meatballs 4....Yet, he did this in 2001, and not learning anything from it, made Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys 3 years later. This is why you take acting classes even after you made it in Hollywood. YOU NEED RANGE, BRO!!! This, without a doubt, has been the worst movie I've seen this horror fest.
Monday: The final film for 2016
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