Drugs started this, and drugs are going to end it!!!

The Banana Splits Movie

     What happens when you take a late 60's Saturday morning kids show and turn it into a horror film?

This movie.

     Sorry to be anticlimactic, but there wasn't anywhere else to go with that.  People on drugs developed the Banana Splits TV show, and a couple of dudes on drugs decide to reboot the show as a horror movie. The scary part is, it's mildly successful!

      Little Harley is a rabid fan of the Banana Splits, though none of his friends are. He also doesn't really have any friends. For his birthday, his mother buys him tickets to a taping of The Banana Splits and arranges for a 'friend' to come with. While at the taping, the cast and crew find out they've been canceled. This doesn't really have an emotional affect on the stars of the show, The Banana Splits, as they're all robots. However, one robot had a programing error and soon all 4 are murdering the fuck out of people that were invited to a meet & greet with the stars. 

Seriously, who makes a horror movie .gif and leaves out the gore?

     Some deserve it, some don't and that makes it hard to like the murdering robots. There's also a completely unnecessary side story involving a failing marriage and some blended-family resentment. It only served to give us a great splatter scene at the end. 

     Look, I know....it seems like a silly premise, and it is. But it was well done despite it's obvious low budget and 100% better than the killer sofa movie I watched last week. That being said, I've proven over and over that you could do worse....

Sunday: Shark Week begins!!!!

Hecho en Mexico!!!

Wrestling Women vs The Aztec Mummy

     I'll be honest, I picked this movie simply because of it's ridiculous title. It's just too silly to over look. Sadly, the title doesn't live up to the hype as it's rather boring. It is, however, NOT misleading. There are lady wrestlers and there is an Aztec zombie, but it's a hell of a wait to get those two together.

     The meat of the story is this: A gang named the Black Dragons knock off an archaeologist for his "secret codex", but before he's killed, he hands it over to another professor who in turn devides it up between lady wrestlers. It's well known that lady wrestlers and professors can be found in the same social circles....I guess?  Maybe that's how things work  in Mexico? By the way, this film was dubbed in English but it's all Mexico, baby!

     Anyhoo, it turns into a cat and mouse chase to get the "secret codex" back into the hands of the Black Dragons. They use advanced surveillance and even employ mind control to retrieve them. Never once in the movie do I recall it explaining the "secret codex", but what ever it is, it appears to help wake up the Aztec zombie and all hell breaks loose with a shoot-out and lots of running. Eventually, the zombie is buried, and all is right with whatever backwoods world this is. The end....thankfully.

Saturday: A rebuttal for "The Hug"

Really, I thought it was a horror film about Information Technology...

It

     Wrote once, made into a movie twice. The most recent was done over 2 films because the story is huge and there's a lot of ground to cover. I've seen both chapters of those films so why watch the 1990 miniseries? Compulsion mostly, and maybe a need to compare the original to the 2017/2019 films. Also, it was in the $3 bin at Walmart so that carried a lot of weight in the decision making process.  I watched part 1 on Wednesday, and part 2 on Thursday. But for the purpose of this blog, I'm combining both parts into one entry.

     Long story short, it's 1960, and a twisted clown is eating kids. Kid flesh is tastier when the're afraid, so he scares the hell out of them...eh...to age the meat properly? Point is, one of the kids eaten by the clown has a bigger brother, that brother has friends, and they go clown hunting. After nearly killing the clown, they all grow up and move away. 30 years later and it's clown hunting time. And the clown is a spider from another dimension. Look, you've had 1 book written over 30 years ago, 1 miniseries made in 1990, and 2 full length feature films made in 2017 and 2019. You've had plenty of time to watch or read so don't fret about spoilers. But wait--here's one that left out of both film productions - There's a kid orgy after the first clown encounter. Yes, that's right. Kids having an orgy.  Wrap your brain around that.

    So what are the main differences between the '90s and 2017+ films? Mostly production value and acting. In the 90's miniseries, the kid actors were decent, though Johnathan Brandis was a bit annoying. As for the adults, that's were it really showed it's age. Harry Anderson with a molestasch playing an annoying comedian was bothersome, while the others, including Tim Reid, John Ritter, and Richard Thomas (with a terrible pony tail), were decent but maybe mis-cast. Tim Curry, however, owned that clown till Skarsgard came along. As for the 2017+ films, both the kid acting and adult acting were spot on. And the gore?  Clearly the updated movies were tops, as the miniseries was really lacking in gore. Understandably because it was shown on primetime TV and it was 1990. 

     So what version should you watch? There's no question, the 2017+ is the best all-around and a hell of a lot creepier than the miniseries. 

Friday: Lady Wrastlin'!!!!

6 boobs, man....6!

 Necropolis

     A witch with a need for life essence has it out of a couple in ancient times.  She's kinda hot but 100% bitch and crashes a wedding of a rather dull insignificant couple. Fast forward to modern times and we meet the re-incarnated versions of that sad couple who are helping each other investigate odd murders. Who's comiting the murders? Turns out our wiccan friend is also reincarnated but unlike her counter parts, she has full recognition of who she is and what power she posses.  Despite that crippling prescience, she's done well to adapt to modern times.

Peroxide flowed like water in the '80s

     One of her many talents is manipulation and she employs it to gather some minions as well as eliminate opposition. How she "baptizes" her minions was  rather....not really sure how best to put this....oh fuck it, SHE HAD LEAKY TITS! It's a wince worthy scene and so out of place, you will scratch your head. And as  guy, this was NOT a turn-on. Look, I understand that women lactate when nursing children, but that is NOT breastmilk and she really  needs to see a doctor.

     Most of the film is pretty boring but I love the mid 80's synth soundtrack.  At the end we're treated with a sad ending or a happy ending....it really depends on who you were rooting for. 

Wednesday: Funny....I just realized I rarely do any Stephen King movies....

You're harshing my Halloween mello, man....

 Disco Exorcist

     A sad disco-rat hangs spends his time hanging out, being a tool, and hooking up with one night stands. Sadly, he picks up the wrong trick that immeadly becomes attached because she thinks one night stands are how you find a good man. It's not, he moves on, and our once-smitten maiden, who JUST HAPPENS to be a witch, puts a curse or hex or whatever causes women to do this whenever he's around them:

Maybe a little high maintenance... 

Needless to say, he's not groovy with that and must break the curse so he can continue to hang out, be a tool, and boink semi-hot women. Mostly porn stars, it seems...

It's the kind of face that says "Most of my STD's are cured!"

     What the fuck did I just watch? I thought it'd be a somewhat humorous, possibly wacky romp about disco culture and a demonic possession. Instead, I got a soft-core porn parody that would have been better viewed on Cinemax's Friday After Dark.  Sure, there was some voodooing and some hexing but 90 percent of this movie is some boney-ass dork dry humping some topless 'model'. I seriously think that this movie was made for the main star to be in the same room with naked woman.  It was never fun despite the promising title, and there's just no reason a sane person would willingly sit through this. You bummed me out, man...

Tuesday: More necro-hotties!!!!

More stunning than watching paint dry..

Zoombies 2

     One of cinemas worst examples of CGI has returned for a sequel. "Why?!?" you might ask? No clue. I want to say money.....but, not sure how you make money making crap like this. I'm betting at one point there was a can drive, maybe everyone emptied out their pockets into a change jar that was exchanged at a bank? Somehow they took a really cheap movie and made a cheaper one. With an even thinner plot. With even worse actors. With NOTHING to do with the first film. Maybe that's where this film shines. It's like someone tried to spray chrome on a turd....

    Poachers break into a wildlife reserve and attempt to steal animal bits. One of the poachears, (who parachuted in, I might add) uses a home brew concoction of herbs and spices for knockout darts. That....wasn't a great idea seeing how she wasn't all that great at chemistry. This turned all the animals (somehow, dunno) into rabbid, bloodthirsty killing mchines. Even the meerkats. That's really the only thing you need to know. The rest is running around, being killed in boring ways, not living up to the first film which didn't seem all that difficult but still managing to fail. In the end, the last 2 idiots survive and I wish they hadn't.

Monday: I really hope people were hurt in the making of this film....