Now THIS is how you make a friend horror movie...

Terror at Blood Fart Lake

She's hawt, but she consumes an entire body through her anus.

     The first description I read was "college friends go to a friends cabin for the weekend". Going to stop you right there. There's no fecking way ALL of these idiots are college students. 1-3 maybe. The rest are people that fulfill the needs of the service industry. 

The photo alone is justification for the killings.

     Anyhoo, while at the cabin, the Scarecrow Killer starts knocking them off one by one. The Scarecrow Killer is actually pretty cool dude, but he does murder people so you'll have to overlook his character flaws. Idiocy reins supreme throughout the film, but the dialog saves it. It's 1 part mega-vulgar, 1 part slightly less vulgar. There's a lot of little quips that I've never seen and it made it more palatable than I thought it would be. Yes, this is ANOTHER group of friends making an intentionally bad movie, but for once I liked it. I actually laughed at a couple of scenes. Silly, over the top, but finally funny.

Sunday:I mean....you knew there'd be a sequel, right?

5 idiots and a camera

Sharkenstein

YOU SEE HOW COOL THIS MOVIE POSTER IS?!? Here's what you actually get:

FUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!

      I've seen a lot of bad movies. I've said I've seen the worst ever. Nowadays I can only narrow down the worst movie I've ever seen into 5 candidates and leave it at that. But I CAN say for sure that this is the worst SHARK movie I've ever seen. I can't see how far you can sink past this one...

     Scene: A Nazi sub surfaces, and some soldiers emerge and talk with a scientist. They're here to take his research because der Fuhrer want it. They're killed, soldiers leave, somehow this equates to a sharkenstein's monster 70+ years later.

     In the modern era, 3 idiots go on a boating excursion: 2 complete dorks and 1 semi-hawt gal. One of the men is very clearly in his mid-40's, but tries to wear his hat like a '90s Flavor Flav. And I want to punch him for that because nobody but Flav can pull off that look. Meanwhile, the shark is terrorizing the local 'harbor' by turning them into a red mist. The shark, mind you, is being controlled by some idiot that created him for purposes that are never made clear. The good news is, he dies by sharking. They almost ALL die by sharking.

     Seeing is believing when saying this is a bad film. But don't subject yourself to that. You'll witness things like the shark jumping onto a dock, and then lighting strikes it and it turns into a roided-up Mega Sharkenstein.

     You'll also be witness shark rape. It's played off as funny sex, but she didn't want it. That's rape. Bad shark.

     I know, I know....it's not meant to be serious. This is a bunch of friends with a camera and a little bit of money looking to have fun. But I've seen that so many times...buddy, that water gun made to look like a real one? I've seen that same gun 4 times this year and this probably won't be the last.....

Saturday: Best Movie Title of the year!!!...

Lady, you suck as a camp counselor...

Sleepaway Camp 2

     File this under 'Unnecessary'. New camp, new kids, same old Angela.  Cripes, she didn't even change her name! More importantly, how the hell did she get out whatever hole they stuck her in after killing nearly 2 dozen people?!? I mean she killed KIDS!!! They don't let you out of ANYTHING after that. There's nothing said or implied about escaping, sooo...I guess we're just going to ignore all of that and get on with this sequel.

You murdered KIDS! This is what makes you squeamish?

     Apparently, Angela is the moral campus for all the campers and instead of just counseling them, she just murders the hell out of them. Talk back to her? Log to the back of the head and she cuts your tongue out. Smoke weed and drink booze? You're getting grilled (literally)! Flash your lady berries? Drill to the head. She just hates fun! But she LOVES murder.

     This film has a much different feel to it when compared to the first. It's a little less serious, a lot more bewbs, and I'm guessing it was meant to be a black comedy. It's not. Nothing was funny in this movie. And yes, that really is Bruce Springsteen's sister, Pamala.

Friday: I don't think I've ever sunk this far.....

Snakaconda? Sharksnakecondoastricktor? The Long Mover?

Piranhaconda

     Well, the title should say it all. It's a movie about a giant fish snake in Hawaii that eats people. There, end of story. Now you know what it's about and you don't really need details because you can just fill in the blanks yourself. You know it's going to be bad. Now you don't have to watch it, right? Nobody needs to watch it, right?

     ....well, nobody but me. No, I have to sit through this whopper of a turd and for no reason other than my Godzilla upbringing. So it's a compulsion to watch a tired Michael Madsen earn a thin paycheck while Rachel Hunter learns what it's like to be Tara Ried for 15 minutes. And all they have to do is make-believe they can act like there's a giant snakefish about to eat them.

Taste like sweat and soiled khakis.

     The good news is, everyone but 2 people are turned into snake-poo. Whether it was the unnecessary bad-guy w/henchmen or whether it was the 3 bimbos that got eaten in the first 15 minutes. They're all dead. I was really starting to worry about this snakefishsnake's motive because at first, all it really wanted to do was eat hawt women in bikini's. But after chomping down on anything standing still or running away, it was clearly NOT biased. Just hungry. But why humans? Most of these twits were running around a tropical paradise getting all sweaty. Why would you want to eat that whole WITH clothing instead of washing it off first? Yick.

Girl, you got to let that one wash herself first!

Needless to say, it's not a classic like Sharknado. Moving on...

Thursday: So....the Boss's sister has a peener?

It's not Halloween without a Summer camp film

Sleepaway Camp

   
      A boating accident causes the death of a father and child, leaving another child to live with their nutty aunt. Years later, Auntie Nutjob sends Angela, as well as her son Ricky to Camp Arawak (no where in the movie is "sleepaway" ever mentioned) for a Summer of fun and murder.

     Right from the start, Angela isn't having a good time.  She doesn't speak, she doesn't participate in any of the activities....she just stares at people and that leads (understandably) a lot of people to be annoyed and bully her.

What's the first word that comes to mind?

     Her over-protective cousin Ricky is always there to stand up for her, but pretty soon the 'accidents' start and we got ourselves a camp slasher!

      From there the accidents turn into violent murders as the movie settles into boring familiar territory all but for the very end scene. It wasn't hard predicting the killer, but I wasn't expecting the "pecker on the hen" ending that would have made Buffalo Bill smile.

This was really a Friday the 13th clone with deaths including:

Death by Drowning
Death by Bees
Death by Stabbing
Death by Machete x 4
Death by Curling Iron (not telling you how and where)
Death by Arrow

And as an added bonus, there's 3 sequels!!!....

Wednesday: It's only a matter of time before someone does a killer platypus movie...

There, I did it. It's finally over....

Cult Of Chucky

Still not scary.

Andy's back, Nica's back, Tiffany's back, and of course, Chucky is also back.

     Nica's been in an institution for several years and after all that therapy, she now believes that Chucky was never alive and that SHES'S the one that did all the killing. Since she's progressed so well, she's moved to a medium security facility where she's instantly the most disliked person there. But she also gets laid in the first 20 minutes of the film and wheelchair sex looks as awkward as it sounds. Also, if she's paraplegic, how can she feel anything?!? The math doesn't add up there.

     Anyhoo, pretty sooon Chucky dolls start showing up in the mail and you know once that happens, things get stupid and bloody. Those things include an auger drill to the back of the head, multiple stabbings, glass decapitation, wrist slitting, and a head caved in by stomping the shit out of it in heels. It's in the last 3rd of the movie it's revealed that Chucky found a spell that will let him duplicate himself in as many dolls as he wants. And much like the last movie, Tiffany is working in the background, setting things up for Chucky to murder the shit out of everyone. There's the side story where Andy is keeping the head of Chucky and routinely tortures it, but it hardly pays off in the end. I found it useless. What I did find interesting is how a facility that large only has 1 orderly, 1 nurse, and NO security cameras! At one point there's 3 dolls running around that place.

Seriously, nobody sees this on a security camera? AT ALL?!?

The best news is, I'm done with that little bastard doll for this year. The only thing left is the reboot and maybe I'll get to that next year.

Tuesday: Jason's under-achieving cousin....

Right back at ya, buddy!

Sharks and bewbs

Sharkansas Woman's Prison Massacre

     Fracking has released some prehistoric sharks in swampland and what a strange coincidence that it should happen while female prisoners from the Arkansas Woman's State Prison are on a chain-gang doing hard labor removing stumps. It also appears that cut-toff denim shorts and white tankers are just normal women's prison uniform.

     That's it. There's nothing else I can find compelling about this....not that I was looking for it in the first place. Do you really want details? I know you don't any more than I did. But I sat all the way through this 1h20m shark wank-fest. Oh and by the way, the sharks don't just stay in water. How convenient for the sharks.

     OK, obviously this is another cheese cake SiFi channel CGI crap-fest featuring Traci Lords. Yeah, you read that right. Traci Lords. Traci has never been a good actor, but FFS, she could probably do better than this. I was hoping for a fun monster movie, but this took what could have been a good cheesy watch and turned it into shark poo. Next time get Debbie Gibson.

Monday: This is the last time I hear Brad Dourif's voice this season...