Why not make the knives and axes float?

Friday the 13th VII: The New Blood

     Tina is special. Telekinesis special, not 'count to potato' special. When she was young, her drunk-ass dad started to abuse her mother so she 'accidentally' killed him by collapsing a boat dock that he was standing on. Later in life, she's brought to that same house on the lake to sort her telekinesis powers and some psychological ones as well. This JUST HAPPENS to be the same lake that good 'ol Concrete Boots Jason is hanging out in. She has a flashback while standing on the dock and that's just enough to wake and free Jason up. Time for stabbys!

It's OK. Nobody liked her.

     His timing is opportune because next door there's a surprise birthday party that's going to get crazy...and bloody...hell, everyone's going to die. We know this because Tina starts having premonitions of the killings and well....this IS a Jason movie in a forest, so there's plenty of opportunities for people to get chopped up.

H A W T ! ! !

     It would be OK to be annoyed by the telekinesis part of the story, but then again this marks the second resurrection of Jason. Try not to think too hard about it because the writers clearly haven't either. You're seven movies in. Why pick now to start questioning your time spent watching this franchise?

     Deaths brought to you by: Dock collapse, knife to throat, back stabbing, back fist impalement, sleeping bag slammed against a tree, machete to face, drowning by Jason, hand sickle to neck, head crushing, party horn to eye, knife to stomach, machete to neck, spear to the back, weed whacker to upper torso, axe to face,

Sunday: Spagooters!!!

High school is such a drag...

Tragedy Girls

     2 crazy as fuck high school students Sadie and McKala trap themselves a serial killer named Lehmann and use him as a scapegoat for their own murders which in turn raises the popularity of there murder investigation blog. These girls are just as fucked up as the serial killer Lehmann.

Awkward.

    While they're on a killing spree of their own, Lehmann escapes and tries to attack them. He's fought off and shortly after the girls relationship starts to turn sour and they go their separate ways...until prom, that is. Somehow McKala teams up the Lehmann and head for the prom!

.....IT'S ALWAYS THE FUCKING PROM!  It's like rule #1 for high school horror films: The climax must be at Prom...

     Anyhooo, while having a monologuing confrontation, Lehmann's planned attack goes south as he promises to kill both of them anyway and McKala dispatches him with a .45acp round to the head. The girls, realizing they belong with each other, burn down the entire school after trapping everyone in. There's no nice way of saying this: These bitches is crazy and somehow they get away with it! But look at those cute new masks!!!

     This is a fun watch! The girls dark sarcasm and nonchalant attitude towards all the death and violence gives this film a great edge without being proto-hipster edgy. Dark like Heathers, fun like God Bless America.

Saturday: The good news is, I'm over the hump....

"Why'd they have to go dig up Jason...

 ...Some folks have strange idea of entertaiment" the grounds keeper says as he breaks the 4th wall.

That line alone could save this movie.


Friday the 13th VI: Jason Lives

     Jason is brought back to life after Tommy decides to dig up the casket (Didn't they say he was cremated in the last film?) and stab him one last time. The big stabbing pole is struck by lightning, and we have ourselves a Franken Jason. STRONG WRITING!!!  Sadly, this endvor gets his friend Ron Palillo (Horshack!!!) killed when Franken Jason punches right through him. We've now taken the series into the supernatural.

This totally works in real life

     Crystal Lake has been renamed Forrest Green for obvious reasons, and Tommy runs to the police department to warn them of Jason's resurrection. Because he sounds cra-cra, they throw him in the jail for a while and later escort him out of town. Meanwhile, our mighty machete man makes his way to the new camp, killing a lot of people along the way. Just like riding a bicycle, I'm betting.

Damage X3!!!

     Eventually the killings are noticed by the po-po, and they start blaming Tommy. They're right! Because he woke up 'ol Stabby McSlasherton, all those deaths are his fault by proxy. Knowing this, he decides to fix his fuck-up and lures Jason into the lake were he can um...drown him? Long story short, he gives him cement shoes and saves the day.

     This has a lighter attitude than the prior films, and it makes for a much better watch. It's still a horror film, but there's some dark comedy that helps us forget about some of the other films. And did I mention that Ron Palillo aka Horshack is in this film?

 Deaths by: Fist impalement, spear-vaulting, normal spearing, face to tree trunk, triple beheading, stabbed by glass bottle, 2 for 1 machete stabbing, head pushed into metal door, knife to side of head, head twisting, knife to forehead, head squishing, body folding, boat motor propeller to head.

Friday: Psycho killers rarely ever wear a name tag that says "Psycho Killer"...

They did NOT look like this in my high school...

Bikini Bloodbath

     In what is clearly written by a 13 yr old deep in the throws of puberty, we're introduced to a high school volleyball team at the semester's end. They decided to throw a party and watch scary movies or some crap like that.  At the same time, the most homoerotic football team party is going down and they're all wearing t-shirts that say "Football Player" if you weren't sure of their sports affiliation. Eventually, 2 of the dude-bros leave the cuddle party and crash the ladies party...terribly. After a couple of the idiots are killed by some dork named Chef Death, it's everyone for themselves...don't forget the daquries.

     In a strange turn of events, I'm not rooting for the killer. He's a dork that spews culinary one-liners faster than you can say "Flava town". However, the audio is questionable so you don't hear it very well. There's also not near as many bewbs as I thought there would. Honestly, it wouldn't have helped this...whatever this is. After the end credits you're treated to a music video by a band called White Liger to further add insult to injury.

Relax, he had a bottle cleaner in his pocket.

I get it, the whole movie is a joke. It's mostly satirical and that's probably why I liked it just as much as it annoyed me. Still better than that stupid bong movie....Thankfully, this ride ends around 70 minutes so your punishment isn't eternal....but you ain't getting it back either.

The real horror is knowing there's 2 more sequels. But that's for another year.

Thursday: Prometheus Unbound...with a machete...

New mask, same 'ol machete....

Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning

     Nobody truly thought it was over with the 4th film, but they didn't even wait a year before starting on the next one.

     Technically, Mr. C. Feldman, Esq, is only in the opening sequence of the film. It features a couple of bro-tards digging up Jason's grave and Mr. Feldman watches in horror as the idiots are opened up by our machete-wielding hero. Corey then wakes from the nightmare and it's revealed that time has passed and Corey has grown up to look a lot like John Shepherd. Tommy, as he's called in the movie, has been admitted to a metal halfway house. Colorful group of people that remind you of The Breakfast Club, and I want every one of them to die. EVERY character is a bit over the top and annoying.

Pop and Lock, Violet!

      But fear not! It's kill-stalking time! This time, however, we don't now who's doing it! Jason's dead and cremated, and the first kill was one of the patients taking an axe to the back of another out of rage. This new killer is a mystery that's revealed in the end to be....the fucking ambulance driver? A total fucking random? Seeking revenge for the first kid getting an axe to the back? That's what I'm treated to AFTER what could have been a great chainsaw vs machete fight? This one bombed in the theaters, but I'm sure it was fatigue that caused that. Fun fact, they released 8 films in 10 years. That's more of a B-movie assembly line. Burnout was inevitable.

You don't think people would tire of this scene? It's always raining when Jason's out.

     Deaths include: Axe to back, road flare to mouth, machete to throat, axe to head, axe to chest, machete to stomach, hedge trimmers to the eyes, skull crush by leather strap, spear to the back, decapitation by meat cleaver, meat cleaver to forehead, another cleaver to head, impaled with machete (x 2),  rail road spike to head, and bead of rusty spikes.

Wednesday: Life's just easier when your occupation is on your t-shirt...

Yummy!!

Technically, 5, but it's not about semantics....

3 on a Meathook

'80s hair in the '70s???

     This classic comes all the way from 1972 and features 4 hotties on a vacation. When their car fails them, a local creeper offers them a ride and shelter till morning. The father isn't having it and kills them all over night. The next day, our creeping son returns and the father convinces the son that he's to blame, despite not remembering. That was in the first 25 minutes, and really they could have ended the film there.

Wow, that is some Troma-level F/X right there.

     But instead, junior goes on a walkabout complete with crappy soundtrack and ends up in a bar, drinking himself silly. After he passes out, he wakes up at the barmaids house...naked, as was she. She assured him that they didn't have sex. Uh-huh...that's what would happen in real life. Then it slooowws way down and bores the hell out of you. This isn't a horror movie, this is a mystery....a mystery of how the hell I can sit through this awful turd! It's like visual Valium! It's a total drag, and  yet somehow I was able to sit through it.

     Since you're not going to watch this film EVER, I'll throw the spoiler out there: As I said earlier, it was the dad doing all the killings. BUT...he was doing so to feed his wife's insatiable cannibalism. She was long thought dead, by the way. I guess you really can spend 10 years hiding in a pantry...

....stupid damn movie. So far, I've watched a sentient bong, possessed bulldozer, and a frickn' sharknado! But this one? Dumbest so far.

Tuesday: Wow! I had 2 movies with Corey Feldman?!? He's getting to be a regular...

Keeping machete makers in business since 1980...

Friday the 13th Part 4: The Final Chapter

     "The Final Chapter". Who are you kidding? Never make 4 movies and say "this is the last one" because we know you're full of shit.

Hello, handsome!

     This takes place right after the last movie's conclusion.  The corpses have been moved to the local hospital and....yep, Jason's not dead yet. After stabbing his way out of the hospital, it's back to the lake we go! Oh, there's also a new group of horny young people to kill.
     Basically, this new group is even hornier than the last. Everyone's getting laid, even Crispin Glover!

Cut a rug, shorty!

Well, not everyone, I guess. There was one dude left in the dark to watch a black and white stag film on an old time projector. He got stabbed.

      This follows the same formula as the others so it's really hard to point out anything new. There's a hell of a lot more face-palming moments than any of the other films (so far), and that's why you root for Jason. FFS, you realized a kid was by himself in a house, so you and your new woodsy flannel shirt wearing friend run to see if he's safe...and then immediately leave him alone again?!? In the end, everyone dies but a sister and brother. And the brother just happens to be a very young Corey Feldman! However, no other Corey's were harmed in the making of this film. Damn it.


Our kill list includes hacksaw to throat, seppuku, knife to back of neck, stabbing, speargun to the crotch, corkscrew to hand, kitchen knife to the face, thrown from window, knife to the back of the head, head crushing, axe to chest, machete to the head. The best kill scene was stolen by Jason:

Camera hog!

Monday: People just hanging out...