"You got your shark in my octopus!" "No, you got your octopus in my shark!"

Sharktopus!!!

     This is what stock footage was made for! The Navy has made themselves a genetically modified shark/octopus hybrid because Jello. Sure, they can graft sharks and octopi together, but clearly cancer is of no concern. Anyhoo, the control unit that keeps Sharktopus under control has been sheared off and we have ourselves a cheesy monster movie!

     Sharktopus is a murder machine, preferring only humans, I guess. In an ocean full of tuna, lobster, and shrimp meat, this thing just hangs around the shore and stalks really dumb beach-combing white people. And since this is a beach movie, that means lots of giraffe-necked tarts in bikinis worn indiscriminately everywhere they go. At one point, it even goes for a stroll on the beach. Did I mention it could walk? Also, I think it might have eaten a Volkswagen. The good news is, most everyone that is turned into a red blur on the oceans surface had it coming.

     Throughout the movie, it's the usual fare of tracking, murder, hits and misses. And naturally at the end, we have the Hail Mary pass of pseudo science that saves the day. But trust me, you'll be rooting for Sharktopus, aka the shark with a tentacle skirt, after the first scene. This is a great Saturday afternoon 'don't feel like getting off the couch' kind of movie.

Cast Highlights:

Eric Roberts.....heh...heheh..HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!! OK, look. This isn't his best work, and he knows it. Clearly, this is a paycheck to him and that's about the level of acting you can expect. But kudos to him for being such a good sport. Also? He's cast in the 3^rd and final Human Centipede. Awesome.

Roger Corman even makes a cameo...as a leering beach pervert. Fitting.

Sunday! 3/9, just sayin....

Obligatory Creature Feature 2013

Ghidorah
(1964)


A meteor crashes to earth and shortly after, a strange magnetic force causes it to acquire mass and throb. Elsewhere, an assassination attempt is made on a princess visiting from some distant province, allowing the soul of a long dead Martian to take over her body.

The Martian princess pops up around Japan prophesying calamities, such as the rising of Rodan and the coming of Godzilla, and of a new monster, Ghidorah.

Godzilla and Rodan duke it out, causing a considerable amount of panic and destruction. However, the titular character comes late to his own party. He makes a grand entrance though, all fiery and two heads short of Tiamat. People are terrified and rightly, so.

Meanwhile, there are some side stories that are really too boring to discuss. One involves the twin fairies from Infant Island, who get the new Mothra to come have a talk with Godzilla and Rodan. Seriously, the giant caterpillar tries to get Rodan and Godzilla to fight Ghidorah on behalf of humanity. They say no. Emphatically. However, they do come to the rescue when Mothra (unsuccessfully) tries to go it alone.

Rodan (who sounds like a Boeing 747 in flight), Godzilla and Mothra triple team Ghidorah and send him limping (well, flying) off with both tails between his legs. The Princess recovers. The fairies go home. The end.

This movie was so boring it took me around 4 nights to watch. Really, the last 15 minutes were all that was worth seeing - even a few of those could've been trimmed. Some of the fight scenes were comical - like Godzilla getting blasted in the butt and the privates (does he even have privates?) - but that was it.

Nephilim...they just grow up so fast.

The Prophecy 3: The Ascent
(2000)


The son of a Hispanic human woman and an Asian-looking angel grows up to be a White kid with religion issues. I'll let you ponder that a moment.

Perplexing? How about this one: only about two years have passed since his birth, but the kid is like 18. 

Anyway, the action starts after everyone's favorite Angel of Death-turned-homless horn-player, Gabriel shows up. Well, maybe he's not so homeless anymore since he drives into the scene, which is a makeshift church. A bunch of lost souls are being ministered to by Danyael (Dave Buzzotta), who is then gunned down by some suspicious looking blind guy with incredibly good aim.

Jump ahead to a scene where Gabriel tries to tell the presiding detective that he's 39. Zophael Jones, an angel of questionable allegiance shows up at the precinct to insure Danyael doesn't rise. Jones know how to fake and FBI badge but doesn't know what a door buzzer is. He has a run-in with Gabriel, whom he chastises for being human and offers to change. Gabe declines, saying, "I used to be the Angel of Death. Now I die everyday when I have the cash." No, he's not talking about heroin.

Zophael eventually catches up with Danyael in a doughnut shop. There's a funny scene where he threatens the clerk when he tries to extort money:

Zophael: You answer my question, or I'll personally see to it that you spend the next millennium chained to a damp wall, wondering just what that is that's been winding its way up through your bowels for the last 750 years.

Clerk: Cool.

 Yeah, sorry bro, but 50 bucks is 50 bucks.

So a chase ensues, a girlfriend gets nabbed, and Gabriel tails them, helping out when he can. Danyael defeats Jones and a new player, Pyriel, Angel of Genocide. Angel of Death. Angel of Genocide. Where is the Angel of Spreading Love and Joy? Personally, they can keep heaven if it's filled with those guys.

I give this a 8. Danyael's girlfriend was annoying and Zophael's game was paper thin for one supposedly known for being duplicitous. Also, Gabriel's reconciliation with God should have been less subtle. I mean the guy spent at least 3/4 of the time we've known him, killing people. Then he gets turned mortal as punishment, discovers the trumpet and pussy and now - pouf - he's just absolved. that could have went better.

Next up: two monster movies I need to finish

"My enemy's friend is my enemy."

The Prophecy 2
(1998)

On her way to work, a nurse nails a guy who just seems to fall from the sky.

Det. Thomas Daggett, plagued by visions since the incident four years ago, has joined a monastic order and is in his cell, screaming about the coming of some terrible thing.

In a deserted parking lot, Lucifer expells Gabriel from hell, saying that it's not big enough for the both of them. I wonder how the person whose car is now partially submerged into the once molten ground is going to explain that to their insurance company.

Meanwhile, Nurse Valerie (Jennifer Beals) is taken with Danyael, the guy she nailed with her car. After seeing him entertaining some kids in the children's ward, she lets him walk her home (even though she drives to work and doesn't seem to live close by). He puts the moves on her and after some passionate naked caressing, asks if she "accepts him." Personally, I think that's kind of creepy, but she consents and the penetration starts. Almost seems like he put her in a semi-crucified position, which is even kinkier than just banging an angel. Danyael is played by Russell Wong, by the way. He could crucify me any day.

Mr. Wong

Anywho, it seems Danyael has been put to the task of inseminating a human woman, by Archangel Micheal, in order to produce a nephilim (a half human/half angelic being). The angels who are still loyal to God want to use the nephilim to unite the kingdom of heaven and end the war. The opposing party thinks the nephilim are an abomination; recalling that God ordered them all destroyed in the first days of man. Gabriel is down with the latter. He goes on the hunt for Valerie but has some computer problems, sparking one of the film's most memorable lines uttered by Izzy, a recently acquired suicide victim.

This might be the best Brittany Murphy has ever looked.

Gabriel uses his new tech support/chauffeur to track down and corner Valerie, but she gets away with a little help. In one scene, he asks Izzy to try an avoid hitting a dog. Mind you, he's been killing folks since the first installation, but apparently he's an animal lover - as long as they aren't the human kind. PETA would be proud.

Fast forward to the end.

Valerie seeks shelter in Eden - an industrial wasteland of sorts - with Danyael and a host of other angels, including Michael. Considering that the nephilim is to be their ace-in-the-hole, the angels seem somewhat disinterested and lackadaisical about protecting its vessel. Lucky for Valerie, faith sustains her. In the end, Gabriel pays the ultimate price and we meet him later as a homeless, human horn-player (huh?). The movie ends with him stating that, "...one day the phone gonna ring and everything will be like it was." Or something like that.

Points of Interest:
Glenn Danzig is in this movie and, in the opening credits, gets top billing over seasoned actor, Eric Roberts. I hope this was just about "D" coming before "R" in the alphabet. Danzig had like one line, then got his heart ripped out by Wong, while Roberts played Michael, a considerably more notable character.

Gabriel (Walken) and Samayel (Danzig)

I love how Gabriel always sounds like a Brooklyn mobster.

Verdict: Great installation to the franchise.

10

The creepy little bastards are back....

Puppet Master 2

     Somehow, some way, we find those stupid puppets in a graveyard digging up Toulon's rotting corpse. They throw some magi-potion on the former home of Mr. Toulons' soul, and he's back on his feet. We've got ourselves a sequel!

     Like most movies of this fare, I've had a theory that they really exist only to (A) make money, and (B), introduce some new characters from the F/X department. As an example, we have 3 new pups named Torch, Mephisto, and Djinn. Mephisto and Djinn are only used in a flashback, but Torch is for real. And he's a real prick. This works in the same vain that the Hellraiser movies would introduce new Cenobites (albeit only for a few movies), or Kruger found new ways to off his victims in the dream world.

Evil Little Prick. Also, his Nazi helmet looks like a dick.

     As for the rest of the story, Tulon's re-animated corpse thinks that his late wife has been re-incarnated and spends the rest of the movie sending his bastard puppets out to murder the fuck out of anyone that breaths in her direction...or or anyone that breaths at all! And murder they do, with stabbing, beating, and the new favorite, BURNING. The cast looks mostly like a group of future victims of Jason Vorhees, and you start to wish he'd make an appearance. So Toulon commences to put himself into a new body and tries to make his 'wife' do the same. Here's the fucked up part is...this REALLY pissed off the puppets and they turn on him, brutally hacking him to pieces. I guess they don't mind murdering, but if they feel they've been used, then look the hell out. And the final scene? While the puppets were killing Toulon, they steal the magi-potion and later use it on another copse (that they created, I might add). And right before the credits, the cliff-hanger hook, she's seen driving down the road in a VW mini-bus, puppets in tow, looking just like one of them. I can't explain it very well and you must see it to believe it (sorry, couldn't find on youtube). It's one of the creepiest scenes I've seen in quite some time <shudder>

Saturday: No 'Zilla this year, but here's his retarded distant cousin....

Another Nightmare Before Christmas

Saint (or Saint Nick if you're American)
2010

This movie was a hard to pass turd!

1492, December 5 - A murderous Spanish cleric named Niklas rides into town on a greyish white horse, with his Black Pete henchman, who loot, kill, kidnap, and post demands; sliding down chimneys and kicking in doors. The posted demands are the last straw. The villagers mobilize and take out the Petes, then turn Nicky's boat to ash. Unfortunately, he was still on it. His "I'm burning" dance was kind of comical.

1968, December 5 - Some wholesome family of five is getting ready for St. Niklas day dinner when the father hears the pigs are astir. Oldest Son goes to check while Younger Brother and Little Sister hang out by the fireplace (you can see where this is going). Whilst Oldest is in the barn, the camera pans the jelly cabinet (no lie) and a pair of eyes in a burn-scarred face fly open. Next thing you know Younger Bro is snatched up the chimney and Little Sis becomes a geyser behind the couch. Dad goes to investigate and well...Oldest exits the barn and thinks he sees something scurrying about the roof. Suddenly, St, Nick is atop the tiles on a rearing horse. Seriously. When he's regained his anal retention, Oldest makes it to the house. The inside looks like...what you'd expect when some creepy 500yr old dead guy and his stooges pay you a visit.
 
Present Day, December 5 - Lame poetry by high schoolers (or were they college students?) and vague references to ominous visits every 32 yrs. This movie just plain sucked. I mean I couldn't tell if it was a bad dub or just terrible acting...and I mostly didn't care. For one thing, they couldn't seem to keep their myth straight. When does the evil St Nick come? Because I can add and 1968 + 32 does not equal 2010. In fact, a 32yr cycle starting from 1492 would not account for visitations in 1968 or 2010. The fact that I even care about this tells you how abysmal this movie really was. Anywho, they finally settled on visitations occurring anytime the full moon falls on December 5th, which brings up another point: how many people just randomly know or can calculate that in their head? Well the male lead can. I'm guessing he had all the time in the world to pull out his charts (or google it on his iPhone) while he was running for his life. Oh wait, he actually spent a good deal of the movie in handcuffs. Maybe he's just that smart...but not smart enough to know blowing up a boat (likely full of children) when the villains AREN'T EVEN ON IT isn't the best idea.

You got to see him kill maybe 5 of the 300+ he supposedly offed.

And if another persons asks, "Do you smell something burning?" I'm going to scream. It's not funny, it was never funny, and the twentieth time it was asked, I really wished something was: this piece of celluloid trash.

In the end, Niklas takes up residence in the local cathedral's belfry. I hope he razes the place. His ride across the rooftops was the best part of this whole damn film. And his staff was badass.

Everyone's allowed a Mulligan, now and then...

I, Monster

Yeah, not the one you thought, was it?

     Oh dear gawwwd, 75 minutes of Christopher Lee and Peter Cushing doing NOTHING. Nothing, but talking, being lame stuffy British bores during the Victorian era. Seriously, 75 minutes went by, I watched the whole thing, and I still have no idea what that turd was all about. Supposedly inspired by Stevenson's Jekyll and Hyde novel, and despite that fact, I was still bored to tears. According to Wiki, they were going to film it for 3D, but I can't understand why? There's no action, just a bunch of benign banter and then mercifully, the credits begin to roll. Made in 1971, I would consider this the malaise era of horror films. Sure, they're in color, but it's terrible. Sure, there's a story, but it's equally terrible. There are few films in that time period that I would consider good, and so many more like this example. There's no setting I can think of that would make this movie worth watching. No amount of alcohol, not even if they added boobs. This is a film that is thrown in as filler in those multi-feature DVD collections you find in discount stores. They take up space and they give the marketing department one more movie to add to the list. What a pointless movie...

     This is making the Puppet Master films look soooo much better.

Friday: Speaking of Puppets.....

A Nightmare Before Christmas

Rare Exports: A Christmas Tale
(2010)

I could have sworn Netflix had this listed as a horror movie.

The story goes that Santa Claus was a real being whom the Sami people of Lapland imprisoned in ice and built a mountain (Korvatuturi) around to keep their children safe. He wasn't very nice. As one character put it, "the Coca-cola Santa was a hoax."

It took the Sami centuries to construct the mountain, and just 24 days for some rich whack-job with a Claus fetish to blow it open. But not before he issued the following safety precautions:

...and wash behind your ears!

The drilling crew are being spied on by Juuso and Pietari, two Finnish kids from across the border. (Did I mention this was set along the Russian-Finland border? Well, now you know.) Pietari, who's maybe 8ish, suspects that the mountain is a tomb for Santa, and runs home to his books and his stuffed...actually I don't know what the hell that thing was. Anyway, his fairytale books are filled with gruesome illustrations of Santa Claus as some horned troll-like creature, beating children bloody with switches, and boiling them in his cauldron. I totally must have one of these books!

Seriously, this belongs on my kitchen wall.

 
Pietari is kind of a noodge. You can tell even his dad thinks he's a wanker. The powder blue bubble jacket and stuffed roadkill companion don't help. Dad, drags him along to roundup, a time of driving caribou into a pen for food and profit. Only two show up; the rest are found dead. Russian wolves, driven down from the mountain by the blasting, are blamed, but Pietari suspects otherwise.

The herdsman are pissed. The meat would have net them at least $100K and kept them fed through the winter. They cross the border to have words with the drillers but find a huge excavation site and no workers. Hmm. Meanwhile, back on the family ranch (?), something gets caught in Pietari's dad's wolf trap.

Pietari - and everyone else - are totally creeped out by their guest. Rich Whacko contacts them and they cloak-and-cage Sinister Nude Guy for a payoff. When both parties show up, Rich Whacko informs them that this is not actually Santa, but one of his helpers. That's right, it's a elf - a naked, dirty old man with an evil gleam in his eye and a penchant for stealing kids (and radiators). Are you traumatized? Because I know I am. And there are A LOT of these things...all out to protect this guy:

Santa is massive!

Everyone is in a panic. Then Pietari's nuts suddenly drop and he hatches a plan to save the day night. The guys then hatch an additional plan to recoup their lost profits. I'll give you a hint:

Rich nut job? Be the envy of your friends. Just $85,000!

Most Memorable Moment
I could have done without the shower scene.

Verdict: Totally Orginal

10

It is subtitled, though. You've been warned.

I've never met a puppet I didn't want to run over with a dozer...

Puppet Master

     I hate puppets. Why would I sign myself up to watch not 1, but 9 full length feature films about possessed murderess puppets? It's like sitting in an elevator for 12 hours with a clown. 

Fuck you, Charlie. Fuck. You.

     However, I'm NOT going to do them consecutively so it's 'every other night' till I'm done. These 9 films make up about 1/3^rd of this months movies, so alternating is also going to keep me from going bananas.

     OK, this is somewhat of a well known movie to night owls like myself, but I've never actually sat through this. Since all the human cast are 'psychic' but completely forgettable, let's meet the puppet cast: We have a puppet with a knife and hook for hands, one with a drill-bit head, a strong man, a jester, and a female that barfs leeches. Somehow, all this made enough sense to someone, and encouraged them to put all their money towards making this a feature film shown in about 3 theaters and then destined to spend the rest of its life on Cinemax late night.

     As for the story, it's mostly about bad people getting killed and a little revenge by the puppets. I wouldn't say the puppets are the good guys, but clearly they look out for each other as they tore apart the main antagonist because he threw one of the other puppets across a room. Stiff penalty if you ask me. It's not a scary film, but none of them were really meant to be. My only real complaint would be the over-use of the flashback dreams.

This is creepy enough. Did I mention that I've watched BOTH Human Centipede movies?

     There are 2 ways to watch these: The chronological order, or the order in which they were released. If you did it chronologically, there are 4 movies before the original 1989 release. I chose to do it in the order they were released because it's just a mess otherwise.

Cast Highlights:

William Hickey!

...that's it.

Thursday: A powerful adaptation of a classic novel dealing with man's inner demons---OR---An over used story starring 2 supporting cast members from Star Wars.

"Never Trust A F*cking Angel!"

The Prophecy
(1995)

Two words: Christopher Walken

If that's not enough, here are a few more:

I should state the obvious: this movie is NOT for the devout. It pushes a LOT of religious buttons, and deals with themes of blind and interpretive faith, general warfare, and the disconnect between the upper and lower branches of military.

According to the movie mythos, angels are soulless creatures (ironically played by ginger, Eric Stoltz, and the ever-creepy Walken) who are divided into two warring factions in heaven: those that are good little soldiers in God's army, and those that are pissed that angels are being trumped by humans for God's favor. The AAs (angry angels) have come to earth to collect the evilest soul available - one that will act like fly paper for other evil souls. They plan to use it to gain strategic footing in their war. It's only fitting that the soul belongs to a deceased colonel. We'll get back to him. Soulless gin-er-I mean-angel Simon (Stoltz) intercepts the soul and goes on the run. He doesn't make it too far. Enter Gabriel (Walken), Angel of Death and general bad-ass.

Simon, who was hanging out in an abandoned school, "gives" the soul to a little Native American girl in a scene that promised to be straight out of Law & Order: SVU. Gabriel and his undead minion go looking for her and run into homicide detective, Thomas Dagget, ex-seminary student, theology scholar, and writer. Det. Dagget and a school teacher (Virginia Madsen) try to protect the girl from Gabriel, receiving some consultation from Lucifer. The mere fact that the Devil is a consultant for the "good" team in this movie makes it worth watching. The Devil becomes instrumental in their victory even though his assistance is self-serving. In addition, it's traditional (i.e. pagan) Native religious ceremony that ends up healing the girl, turning the screw a little more.

Points of interest:
I never noticed before how the angels perch on things like large, demonic birds.

I also never noticed how easily it seems people in the film accept the "evil angels did it" explanation for the situations that occur. The movie is expedited along its path partly because no one makes a fuss about how none of it can be logically possible -not even in the police department.

Col. Hawthorne, the evil soul, has in his possession an official evidence reel of his gruesome war crimes and trial, and a locked metal case containing actual death masks. How was he realistically able to keep either - especially the box of masks that he is clearly seen holding in the evidence film?

Viggo Mortensen, who played Lucifer, went on to portray Aragorn, the last direct descendant of the true Kings of Men. I feel like there's a parallel there...or several.

Best Line:
"...for while heaven may be closed, I am always open...even on Christmas."

Verdict: must watch

9.5

Maybe stupid is the new scary

Monster High

     Oh great, a stupid boobie movie from 1989. Some stupid aliens steal a 'doomsday' device called Mr. Armageddon and crash land on Earth. For some reason, it/he is shaped like a basketball. Later on, he becomes some lame middle aged dick-weed in a purple lamé jacket. 

Meet Mr. Armageddon, Ender of Worlds. He likes classical music,  global annihilation, and long walks on the beach.

     So, he runs around killing people in a very Freddy Kruger kind of way until he's challenged by two complete tools to a game of basketball that will determine when Armageddon takes place. Yeah, this is an '80s movie, so that's how things are determined.

No, this isn't as cool as Fooley Cooley. Not by a long shot.

     According to him, Armageddon is inevitable, but he may be able to delay it for a millennia. Whatever, by time the game started, I was rooting for Mr. Armageddon to put an end to this abysmal film. Maybe, any universe that allows this to be created within the confines of natural law should just be put down. And the cast? Only ONE of the cast members has a head-shot on IMDB.com. That's how awesome the actors are.

Wednesday-The beginning of this years marathon!

"Well, Beavis, You got the 'sucking' part right" -- Butthead.

Vampires Suck

     ...and so does this movie.

     Dear God, it's a spoof movie! I thought it would be a tongue in cheek affair...Nope...this is just a spoof movie.

     OK, having established that, you pretty much know what to expect. Lame jokes, slapstick, contemporary pop culture digs. This is very clearly based on the Twilight series and takes every opportunity to make fun of it. And it does so predictably. One thing of note, the Bella Swan knock off was a far more convincing actor than Kristen Stewart. I realize that might really not be saying much, but I still think it's worth a note.

     And that's about it. What else can you report about spoofs?+

     Oh, and Dave Foley's in it.

Tuesday: <sigh>...More high school 'horror'....I really should have proofread this list....

All The Better To Eat You With, My Dear!

Once Upon a Time
"Red-handed"

If you're familiar with Once Upon a Time, you know that it takes place in "reality" and in The Enchanted Forest - a fairytale land - on the premise that the two are linked by the cursed townspeople of Storybrooke, ME. I'm focusing on the forest tale for this contribution.

It's Wolfstime in the Forest. Once a month the townspeople are threatened by a monstrously huge and viscous wolf that shreds their livestock. Ironically, no one in this magical land full of ogres and trolls and Rumplestiltskin has figured out that this is a werewolf. It's obvious who the wolf is...well obvious to us. The clueless townsfolk have formed a search party to hunt the beast down. Granny Lucas forbids Red (her granddaughter) to go on the hunt, and to keep time with a young wasteful named Peter (a delightful play on Peter and the Wolf - making it even more obvious). She is also really adamant that Red remained cloaked under the red hood (great Batman movie, but I digress) that she has given her to "ward off the wolf". Riiight.

Red isn't very obedient. Soon after catching Snow White (a "good" character who is amazingly adept as causing tragedy to befall others) looting eggs in her barn, Red decides to defy granny and run away with her true love, Peter. During this time the girls discover that the wolf has decimated the hunting party from the previous night and after displaying astounding tracking abilities, Red suspects the wolf is Peter. Honestly, I really couldn't figure out how she or Snow could have come to that conclusion based on the location of the tracks, and given the time of day that transformations were taking place. However, they decide to swap cloaks and Red goes to "warn" Peter...and then chains him to a tree. I don't think I need to spell this out. At least she'll always have a part of him with her. Well...until she defecates.



Next up: How does one get kicked out of heaven and hell?

Werewolf of Washington

     Dean Stockwell takes us on a journey in an attempt to humanize politics and garner sympathy for his werewolf affliction. I want to believe that last sentence soooo much, but I just can't after watching this turd of a movie. Instead, what we get is a man dressed in a suit with hairy gloves, shoes, and mask. They don't actually show any of the violence, just the cheap bloody after-the-fact results.

It could have been this cool.

     This is the absolute WORST werewolf movie I've ever seen. The version I watched was from Elvira's Movie Macabre series, and even SHE had problems making jokes about it. And the worst part? It's billed as a horror/comedy. Yeah, well it's not. It's supposed to be satirical, but it's just so damn boring. I can't even find a cult draw to it, though many say it has that following. And now the Simpsons Treehouse of Horror is on so this movie can fuck right the hell off.

Instead, this is what I got. 

The only good thing about this is that it's over and I never have to watch it again.

Cast Highlights:

Dean Stockwell!

...no, really. That's it.