In order to keep you abreast of the situation.....

Elvira's Haunted Hills

     My favorite busty horror film host is back. Cassandra Peterson once again reprises her ONLY roll as Elvia, the Mistress of the Dark for another comedy horror thing. This time, the film is set in Ye Olde Times and she's on her way to some can-can festival (whatever the hell that is). After ditching on a hotel tab, she's picked up by a Dr. Bradley Bradley (yeah, not much on names, are they) who takes her and her servant to a castle owned by a widowed Lord. It just so happens that Elvira looks identical to the deceased wife of the Lord. Yup, that's our plot. Everything else is one-liners, characters eccentricities, and Elvira's boobs. There is a ghost story, but it's really underplayed and can't compete with Elvira's risque insinuations. And with any 'rich old guy' story, there's always some deceit and thievery in a sub plot.

The complexity and depth of each character was a major selling point to this movie.

     But honestly, nobody cares about that. It's really just a silly late night movie with a couple of jokes (none of them actually funny, mind you) wrapped around a ton of side boob. Mary Sheer also stared in it and if she had been left to her own device, she could have stole the film. Best viewed as a sleeper after a night out at the bar.

A movie dying to be taken seriously.

Did I mention Elvira's boobs?

SUNDAY: Gobble Gobble

Not what I'd call historically accurate

Bonnie & Clyde vs. Dracula

Trust me, you'll wish they die in this film

     Bonnie and Clyde are running around the countryside, chopping up rednecks and hillbillies, all the while planning a payroll robbery. During the robbery, one of the accomplices is shot. Since they 'kinda' like the guy, they seek help from a local doctor who just happens to be helping out an ailing Dracula. Poor Bonnie is turned into a vampire and thing just keep going to hell from there.

     Part comedy, part dumb horror, all done rather decent. Honest! Yes, I'm getting enough oxygen, and you read me right. Maybe it's the fact that nearly every movie I've watched this month has included the most flaccid of cinematic turds known to man kind. I know it's not the booze because I've watched all of them sober (so far, month is young). Truth be told, this was decent watch even if a bit corny (they didn't have remote control shock collars in 1934, dorks). Yes, there's some questionable acting, silly one-liners, and just goofy set pieces, but the only real complaint I have is the time. They managed to stretch it out for an hour and a half. At best? 45 minutes is all that's needed.

Saturday: Horror Queens and finer things....

Still A Little Sleepy

Underworld: Awakening
2012

Eh.

The story opens with some blah blah about the world finding out about non-humans and going full on holocaust over it. The short vignette does a great job showcasing that nasty human propensity for justifying unnecessary violence, and was truly more terrifying than anything supernatural in the movie. Shortly after we find that someone has put the freeze on heroine from the first two flicks, Selene, called "Subject 1". Selene was thawed by "Subject 2", whom she suspects is Michael, her Lycan-Vampire Hybrid lover (from the first two flicks). She goes looking for him and finds something unexpected...actually a few unexpected things are revealed. Unfortunately, if I say more I'll give away the plot and it is an okay edition to the Horror-Action Adventure genre.

I like Underworld as a concept and basically enjoyed all the movies but this was a lukewarm. As much as I love watching Selene splatter people, this has more of an episodic feel. Rather than waste viewers time dragging out sequels, why not just push for a really state of the art cinematic-quality series. They could pick up the Firefly model and have extended time-slots. I would totally tune in for a 1.5hr Underworld series. As a movie, it just played out like a precursor to a (hopefully better planned) sequel, and that just wasn't enough.

Sloppy needs a Blunt

Sloppy the Psychotic

     Well, some terrible clown-for-hire has a really bad day and has apparently never heard of 'disconnecting' or 'decompressing' because he goes crazy and starts offing all those that 'done wronged him'. And I guess seeing someone drowned in their own piss could be funny, but it just couldn't make up for the rest of this movie. Other features included penial dismemberment, running down people with special needs, and murdering an entire party of kids with Ajax and an exploding cigar. There's a lot of pseudo porn as well, and at least they used normal built people and not a lot of boney giraffes with cut-rate boob jobs.

Literally, the worst place in the world to be.

     As a matter of fact, no! I have NO idea why I picked this movie to watch on this day...or any day. Ever. And somehow, they managed to drag this POS out for an hour and twenty minutes. Meh.

Friday: Some titles just make me giggle...

So it's come to this.....

Puppet Master 10: Axis Rising

Always with the damn Nazis

     Once again I take it upon myself to torture and maim my psyche in order to watch this creepy-ass series so you don't have to. This was well documented last year, and here we go with one more trip down Creepy Fuck Lane filled with what could best be described as a 'chronological disorder' and the worst acting available. More creepy puppets, more Nazis...they seem to go hand in hand.

     Once more we go back in time and pick up where we left off in the last film. The Nazis are still in LA and they're still doing Nazi things. Ozu, the villainess from the last film, is stopped by Nazis in full dress uniforms...we're still in LA, by the way.... and murdered for the puppet she has in her bag. Meanwhile, the 2 dummy protagonist from the very same last film are rounding up the puppets and have some disturbing news from Blade (in the form of charades) that the Nazis have Tunneler. 

     As with every film in this series, the actors are forgettable and terrible. Most memorable was Stephanie Sanditz who plays a Nazi She-Wolf who's German accent sounds like a porn-star trying to do a fetish film. There's only one person that could have played this part —> Wendy O. Williams. Unfortunately, she passed away after putting a bullet in her head thereby saving herself the agony of being part of this film. However, in a rather strong semblance, the She-Wolfs life ends the very same way! Is that synergy or what?!? But not all is as it seem...Commandant Moebius has a doctor working for him, helping to create...aw gawwd....more damn puppets. And guess who's soul just got infused in his newest piece of work? That's right, the She-Wolf is now Bombshell. The first of 4 new Nazi puppets. Her boobs shoot guns. That's really all I have to say about her. Rounding out the rest of the newbies are Weremacht, a werewolf (seriously?), Blitzkrieg, a tank thing, and Kamikaze, who is a total blast to hang with. Actually, Kamikaze almost offends me with it's propaganda-esque caricature of a Japanese Imperial soldier.

Seriously....all lame and slightly offending.

     Any-hoo, at the end we're treated to a silly all out brawl between the puppets including some girl puppet on girl puppet action complete with hair pulling! It appears that all the Nazi's are killed and WWII was won that night. According to this movie, your history books are full of LIES!!!

Thursday: Coulrophobia!

“A salad that was once named Elizabeth”

Frankenhooker

     Oh, how I love dark comedies. I love dark CREEPY comedies even more! This has one of those messed up plot-lines that sent me running into the loving arms of bad movies and terrible acting. This is one of the finest examples of what I enjoy most about horror films. Having said that for the 50^th time, here's what it's all about:

Crack smoking. Everyone smoked crack in 1990

     Jeff Franken is somewhat of a genius, if a bit uncouth. He creates a remote control lawnmower that unfortunately annihilates his fiance all OVER the lawn. Riddled with guilt, he begins to try and resurrect her by means of....well, you can tell by the name of the film. He successfully recreates her, but she's a bit of a hooker. Actually, she's a LOT of a hooker. It might have a lot to do with all the hooker body parts he used to 'fill in the gaps', so to speak. So, after escaping Jeff's lab, our hero Frankenhooker hits the streets of NYC for to find some johns. It isn't long before she finds them and starts unintentionally electrocuting them to death. There's also a lot of crack smoking, boobs, big hair, and exploding hookers. I'm not making that last part up.

No, serious. Exploding. Hookers.

     Aside from some well hidden one-liners, the funniest thing to me was the way Patty Mullen portrayed the Frankenhooker. When you're going to do 'over the top', you still have to do it well. And she did just that as most of her scenes involved yelling out lines in her search for johns. And really, what do you expect from the the director of all THREE Basket Case movies?!? It stars a washed-up comedian, a former Penthouse Pet, and a bunch of other people nobody knows but is still well worth the watch. See this!

Wednesday: Oh, FFS, REALLY? The 10th one?!?....Fine, let's just get this over with....

Insert tired and unoriginal Ozzy Osbourne drug joke here

Black Sabbath

     This is a lower budget Italian production (though in complete English) starring a bunch of people I've never seen before save for Boris Karloff. It's an anthology of 3 short stories. According to Wiki, the US version was much more sanitized than the international version, meaning references to lesbianism were removed as well as a lot of gore. This being because in the US, the target audience was young teens whereas the international crowd was adult. So that being said, let's begin

The Drop Of Water

     A greedy tart steals the ring off the corpse of a elderly woman. For her immoral crime, she becomes haunted by the sound of dripping water (scary!), an annoying fly (deadly!), and visions of the elderly woman corpse chillin' in her rocking chair, posthumously of course. In the end, her last vision is that of the corpse choking her to death, while in truth she was choking herself.

The Telephone

     Ug...creepy phone torture. A high-end call girl receives a series of disturbing phone calls from her one-time pimp who's SUPPOSED to be dead. She naturally freaks and calls in an old friend for help. The old 'friend' drugs her ass up and puts her to bed while she makes plans to consult a shrink about her hysteria. In the end, the 'long dead' pimp shows up for real and creates one of the most awkward reunions I've seen in a while. People get all stabby and chokey and the only one to survive (rightfully) is the call-girl who had NOTHING to do with these shenanigans. This...this is why I have so few friends.

The Wudalak

     Boris Karloff, a big-daddy in the classic horror biz, has his moment in the spotlight with the final feature. I should note it's also the longest. And the most boring. And the most talky. And the worst. Simply put, Boris is Gorka, a newly minted Russian vampire terrorizing his family. Or something like that. It was 40 minutes of dull, incomprehensible crap. I watched it and still have no idea what the hell was going on. I completely checked out. I guess I'm thankful it wasn't a full length feature.

     I can't say this was a bad film, and usually I like anthologies. However, this film's biggest legacy is being the inspiration for the band of the same name. Not for being an amazing horror film.

Tuesday: I can't wait to meet her pimp....

The Bastards Have Landed!

Bad Taste
1987

It's hard to believe that Peter Jackson is the same genius behind the Lord of the Rings films.

This splatter flick is set in a small coastal New Zealand hamlet(?), where all the inhabitants (a total of 75 people) have disappeared. We find Barry and Derek -1/2 of "The Boys", the agency (?) sent to deal with the invasion - combing the town and encountering weirdos/aliens, while the other half (Ozzy and Mike) rides on their way a muscle car. Barry and Derek are kind of bumbling idiots, resulting in Derek taking a nasty spill and cracking his skull open.

It's not until the arrival of a shady charity collector that we find out the real deal. Giles the Grifter stumbles upon a cannibalistic act and ends up marinating in an alien pot, awaiting rescue. Through his capture we find out that the aliens are third-rate workers, lead by an executive rep of the "Crumb's Crunchy Delights" fast food company. They're on earth to harvest humans for cheap meat.

This is full of head-popping, brain-splattering, vomiting-drinking delight, BUT the first few like 30-40 minutes drrraaag on. Jackson himself is barely understandable and most of what I'm assuming were jokes, were lost on me since I'm not from NZ. Well, at least I got to see grown man born via a chainsaw.

No little old ladies were harmed in this film...damn it.....

She-Wolf of London

Whoa, this sucker is older than I thought. Oh well, this is a quickie

    A very young June Freakin' Lockhart stars in this 1946 film about a lady werewolf. But not really. This also isn't really a horror flick as much as it is a murder mystery. She's set to marry some rich English guy and starts to believe that she's the lady-wolf after some killings in a nearby park and she finds evidence on her persons. Eventually it's revealed that she been set up by her aunt (what a bitch!). But all's well that ends when bitch-aunt falls down a flight of stairs and impales herself with a knife. Everyone is so polite and uptight, so well dressed, it becomes sterile. At least the acting is top notch.

     Thankfully, this old duffer only clocks in at an hour, so you'll have a whole 30 minutes to do something productive....or just watch an episode of the Simpsons. It IS Sunday evening, after all...

Monday: Sabbath, bloody, sabbath....nothing more to do....