Zzzzzzzzzzsnurklzzzzzzz

Night Vision 

     An aspiring writer from Kansas moves to 'the big city' to become a famous writer or something. Instead, he ends up in a "dive" apartment that's huge and only costs $60 week with a once a week turndown service. That's...a dream place for a LOT of people.

     While searching for a job, our protagonist visits a video store and meets the 'rough around the edges' owner and she rents him a VCR and hands him a job app. She also berates people for renting porn from her video store...the store she owns and procures tapes for. Great business plan. On top of that she likes to smoke, drink beer, and chew gum...all at the same time.

     Somehow, he ends up with a magic VCR that predicts the future....and it's also possessed by the devil or something. People start dying, cultists are looking for it, friends have existential crises...it's a whole thing...a VERY boring thing...But hey, his writing is getting better! Do you see the irony there?

     This movie is great if you need sleep. It's so boring, it'll put you in a coma. There's nothing scary, the characters are flat-lining all of their dialog and the one sex scene was as interesting as watching milk curdle.

This movie is best watched while you're already asleep.

Saturday: Third time's the charm...

Warning: This movie contains a pointless Cheech & Chong reference ...

 Lowriders Vs. Zombies from Space

     I'll be brief because this movie was brief. A meteor lands near a weed farm and it somehow infects the marijuana with something that makes your face break out in green & black face paint and then compels you to murder people if you smoke it. Soo...technically the title isn't even right because the zombies are actually terrestrial and not from space? Also...everyone drives lowriders. And that's pretty much the entire 'movie'.  

Ahem....

57 minutes of people acting like they're from East L.A. 

57 minutes of weed references

57 minutes of guys super happy to have their lowrider in a micro-budget movie

38 minutes before the first zombie finally showed up

     With a proper script, this could have been a fun film. But in fact, it was a missed opportunity. The cast didn't even look like they were having fun on what's clearly a friend flick. Jokes on you when you find out the idiots that make the Evil Bong did a better job, and that's so-sad

Everyone in Japan has extreme hypertension...

 Meatball Machine: Kodoku

I can assure you this isn't anime.

     The first 25 minutes of the movie is a depressing story of a single 50 year old man that hates his life because he lets himself be a peon. After being diagnosed with cancer, he's decides to grow a set of balls and goes on one of the most passive aggressive rampages I've ever witnessed.

     At the same time, 2 weird ladies in some rather fashionable clothing are drawing lines all around the city. The reason for this is to create a 'landing pad' for a giant glass cylinder...thing. It basically creates an impenetrable dome and anything directly under the edge of it is cut in half. Hilarity ensues. Finally, blood gore violence!

Awwwwyeeeeaaaa!!!

     Inside the glass, the fashionistas reveal their true nature: They harbour the strange gory body modder thing from the first movie. Basically, we're back to the gameshow gorefest competition of strange creatures invading peoples bodies, re-writing their DNA to become badass fighters. It becomes weird and creepy...but always gory!

     However, our sad middle aged protagonist's cancer prevents the parasitic takeover and be maintains his own conscience despite the modding. The rest of the movie is chock full of brutal fights, over the top gore, and even some bewbs! Though, I have to admit, it does get silly after the first hour...and then it also become super serious. Really, it's just titties, gore, and existential crises

Thursday: Cultural appropriation for a low budget movie script is not cool, brah!!!

The Unnecessarily Long Movie Title That Almost Appears To Be A Run-On Sentence.

 The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies

     Lazy hip-katz head to an amusement park for some good old fashion 'fun'.  The idiot trio decides to have their fortune read. It didn't go so well, and eventually one of the lazy idiots ditches his girlfriend to watch the least naked stripper I've ever seen. For nearly 15 minutes, we're subjected to song and dance numbers by a wannabe Patsy Cline. WHY?!? It's so misplaced! Then our dumb lazy anti-hero is hypnotized and they finish up just in time for another fucking musical number. Next thing you know, he's become the least convincing murder and kills the wannabe. Fine, I don't care. I hate ALL of these people. They're lame and boringANDOHFUCKINGLOOK, ANOTHER DAMN MUSICAL NUMBER!!! This isn't a fucking Elvis movie, damn it! Where's the fucking zombies? This isn't a horror movie, this is Star Search! Get off the stage, you Gong Show reject!

Congrats. You sprayed a mask with spray-foam and painted it. So scary...

     Anyhoo, our lazy Jughead fanboy confronts his hypnotizer about this bad memory and that only leads to more hypnotism and a murder spree. When he returns, he's treated to a hero's return by getting acid thrown in his face. She tried to put him in the closet, but a horde of zombies escape (oh, THERE'S the damn zombies) and kills her and her accomplice dead. In the end, nearly everyone is shot by the cops and this dumb musical is over.

2 Things I learned:

There's a reason MST3K bombed this movie (I refuse to say 'riffed')

There's a reason the director/main character spent the 70s and 80s filming porn

Wednesday: More Nippon Madness...

Aww shit...it's dubbed....

 Devil Story

 

    First off, we're treated to a guy in a horrible mask and SS uniform running around, stabbing people. Then we meet his mom who doesn't seem to mind all the killing. There's also a black stallion, a mummy, a mummy bride...this movie is all over the place. I can't make heads or tails of what the hell is going on. For example, why add thunderstorm track to a very clearly, overcast DAY.? There was a scene where a  black demon horse was play-fighting some random and it would show the horse frolicing around on said overcast day complete with thunderstorm soundtrack. HOWEVER, when flipped back to the guy the horse is fighting, it was very clearly NIGHTTIME. That's some damn fine editing, idiot. There's countless examples of this and the absolute saddest part about this movie is that it's NOT a joke! This isn't an intentional comedy, it's just funny because nobody knew how to make  proper movie! There's no consistency, there's no dialog...hell, the terrible F/X are completely overshadowed by all of this...stuff! Useless stuff that doesn't grow a plot or tie ANY scene together. Just random bits of non-acting and no story thrown together for what turned out to be our amusement. Nothing is ever explained! Why is the Nazi zombie even a thing, what's the deal with the mummy and his 'bride', and why is he vomiting expired blue milk?

What did you eat?!?

I'm over this pile of stupid. On to Tuesday: They're just confused...

'80s homemade VHS movie that's NOT porn?!?

 Channel 13

How did this homemade turd warrant a poster?

     I'm not going to sugar coat this one. It is indeed a homemade horror film complete with bad...er, better make that NO acting, bad F/X, but an A++ for good intentions. An anthology based around the mythical Channel 13, hosted by some dweeb with a mask. 

Sorry, I'm not scared. I just feel humiliated for you.

All Hallows Eve

    A pathetic dork somehow turns a scarecrow sentient to do his bidding. Which is mostly revenge for being picked on...because he's a pathetic dork. In the end, his face is melted on an electric stove.

Claws Of Terror

    Another pathetic dork wearing nothing but blue denim decides winter is the best time to go for a stroll in the country with his bag full of bird seed. He's wrong, and a giant bird eats him and steals all his bird seed. Moving on....

Slaughterhouse

     This pathetic dork wears a white flower sack over his head and chops up peoples bodies for the family 'Sauce Farm'. Great marketing. It was mostly filling to round out the 1.15 hour total run time.

     This whole movie was supposedly 'lost', and the maker completely forgot about its existence(?). Despite it being simple, and um...entry level, it still would have taken a lot of work and that makes it hard for me to believe this was forgotten. Nonetheless, I still had some fun with this ala Geek Maggot Bingo. Good effort, gold star for you!

Monday: Another turd in the punch bowl...

Aww shit...subtitles.....

Tag

     Oh, Japania, thank you for never changing. I can always count on you for mass brutality and gore. 

Wasn't this a Toyota ad at one point?

       Some unseen force cuts the roof off the bus, slicing in half everyone but Matsuko. I've not laughed so hard at a horror movie in a long time. This is starting out very Japanese-like. 

Thorough!

Let's see that again, but from another angle...

And once more in its entirety!

     Anyhoo, she escapes the windy-slicey thing and wanders onto a campus where she meets other school girls that are apparently her besties. So she has amnesia? They skip class, and discuss infinite universes...because that's what Japanese school girls talk about. Soon they head back to class where the teach mows down all of her classmates with a machine  gun. Pretty soon, ALL of the teachers are in on the shooting and I sometimes wonder if that's a secret fantasy of theirs. She escapes the blood bath and returns to normal society again but as a different person, different haircut. This is obviously a trend that we're going to see repeat throughout the movie. The train really went off the rails during the wedding scene and the weirdness continues with a finale that...makes me think this wasn't intended to be a horror film. But it sure as hell started as one till it became a completely different movie after 45 minutes. Not as fun as Tokyo Gore Police, 1000x better than Psycho Shark.

Sunday: Local, Local, Local!!!

Again, I don't understand the fascination with zombies, but I do understand the strippers!

 Zombie Strippers

     What we have is a light script used to get a famous porn star, a famous horror icon, and some very topical jokes...from 2008. Case in point, one of the characters is named Byrdflough (get it? Bird-Flu? Yeah, that was a thing that happed almost 15 years ago which is when this movie was made). The story is half titty-zombies, and half satirical. But....it's dumb fun. It's over the top, the cast is having fun, and NOBODY is taking this too serious. Did you hear that, Bunnyman and PlankFace? NOT. TOO. SERIOUS.

I have trust issues with strippers.

    The main plot involves  a government lab that had a zombie problem, Marines that specialize in zombie removal, and golly, a Marine that got bit by a zombie that wanders into a strip club. Oopsie Poopsies!  Really, what more do you need? Yes, there's a lot of bewbs, but it doesnt' take or add anything to the plot. Mostly because it's just a stupid zombie stripper movie and  you can't possibly take that serious.

Stellar cast!!!:

Robert Englund not being Freddy!

Jenna Jameson's....er...assets!

This movie was  a great break from all the other stupid movies that take themselves too serious. Grab a drink and snacks, and just turn off your brain for 90 minutes.

Saturday:...yes, I realize I'm posting this on a Sunday, but I'm behind because I have a life.  Tag! You're it!!