Complexity is NOT this movies biggest problem....

 ...EXHISTING is its biggest problem

Plank Face

     Well fuck me. This is what happens when modern people meet an entire family of Nells. No really...a couple of *young campers* encounter a rapist, and then a family so back woods that they don't speech English. They don't wash either. But they DO eat people and wear a sheet of park on their faces. The girlfriend disappears,  but the boyfriend is kept around and groomed to be the next bark-faced boy of the family. But in order to do so, he has to eat balls? Literally, he ate the testicles of the previous Plank Face.  Oh, he also finds that his girlfriend was still alive and kills her with an axe. I guess that is the last thing connecting him to the modern world. Now he's free to do um....backwoods things like tree-humping, ignoring personal hygiene, and not speaking English.

     And that's it...that's the entire movie. I've not sat through one this bad in a while and really, this movie can go fuck itself right in it's stinky, unwashed anus. It made little sense, had little depth, and aside from the tasty-testicle scenes, wasn't even edgy. Run as far from this movie as you can!!!

Friday: Finally, a SERIOUS movie....

Hippity Hoppity MURDERFACE!!!

 Bunnyman Massacre

^No...no it's really not.^

     So a guy in a bunny suit kills a bunch of kids on a school bus. Great way to start a movie. Then finds campers, kills them...just kinda wanders around killing people for no reason.

...fucking stupid movie...I'm tired of the old 'redneck' trope. I want to like this movie. It has a guy in a bunny suit killing people. You'd think that'd be enough, but that's where the fun idea ends. The actual PLOT is just dumb as hell. The Bunnyman has a deal to help this idiot redneck kill people so they can use the human meat to make human meat jerky. Oh, and there's some semi-hot women that are being stalked/killed. Truthfully, I'm not rooting for anyone in this movie. They all suck.

     This has me shaking my head: I watched "Bunnyman Massacre" . There's is also 'Bunnyman', and 'Bunnyman Vengeance'. But all this is confused when you put "THE Bunnyman Massacre" into the mix...which is the original "Bunnyman" retitled for the UK crowd. So the chronological order is (1) Bunnyman/THE Bunnyman Massacre, (2) Bunnyman Massacre/Bunnyman 2, and (3) Bunnyman Vengeance. I started with the second movie because consistency in titles is just outdated

     How the fuck did this get stretched out to an hour and 44 minutes? My only thought after the first 20 minutes was "FUCK..WHEN IS THIS GOING TO END?!?" Jesus... if you fell asleep writhing this script, that should have been an indicator to NOT GO THROUGH WITH IT. It's so booooring. Oh, and extremely misogynistic to the point of intolerance. I think I can pass on watching the other two if this is all it has to offer. And maybe more importantly, why are you still reading this?

Seriously, just go fuck off, Bunnydork. Your movie is poop.

Thursday: He was my favorite in the cul-du-sac...

Keep this up, Nick, and I'll forgive you for Ghost Rider 2....

Mandy

    NickCage and his author/artist wife live the quiet life in the woods, doing nothing to hurt anyone. They both seem to have scars and would like to be left alone. Then some pissant cultist has love at first sight upon seeing NickCage's wife. According to him, he's empty without her. This is all strange considering he's never actually talked to her. One toot from the Horn of Abraxas, and a demonic biker gang shows up to do his bidding: Steal the girl. And they do!

    They proceed to dose her with LSD and a gigantic wasp sting chaser! The trip goes smoothly, till the cult leader tries to seduce her with full frontal. She laughed at his small weiner and he got really really really embarrassed and burned her alive while making NickCage watch. So yeah, he's a dick. But this is a NickCage movie... you know what happens next....

M   U   R   D   E   R   D   E   A   T   H   K   I   L   L 

     This is where the movie transforms from a moody trip to a goddamn psychotic murder fest, with our hero, NickCage, unleashing hell on the biker gang. 

     Turns out they're no match for a coked-up, half drunk NickCage (even though he's a little clumsy). After the gang is dispatched, it's on to the cultists. The brutality was lovely and there's nobody that could dish it out like NickCage. For once, a protagonist we deserve...not some stupid horny college co-ed idiot.

   Overall, it's a sad, moody, psychedelic revenge flick that almost splits personalities half way through and features an ancillary character in a TeeVee commercial that vomits mac 'n' cheese on children (he's called the Cheddar Goblin, and he's got more cheese than the other brands, bitches!).

Given his recent resume (Color Out Of Space, Willys Wonderland, Pig, and Mandy), it's nice to see NickCage doing NickCage movies. Really, I can't wait to see what's next...

Wednesday: When Holidays collide... 

I mean, I guess you CAN if you want to, but don't complain when a cricket crawls up your butt...

 Don't Fuck In The Woods

One word: Underwhelmed. 

     You're never going to believe this, but this story involves recent college graduates, camping in the woods, sex, and a monster!  Seriously, I could end this 'review' right here! What else did you need to know? That there's week f/x? That the acting is ham-fisted? That the monster had no real motive for the murders OTHER than it it likes to steal genitalia and reproductive organs?...actually that part COULD have been an interesting aspect, had it not also included a scene in which hero monster rips a guys tallywacker off for reasons that are never explained. Maybe they/them are making a necklace and needed a pendent? 

     The best things this movie has going for it is it doesn't take itself too serious, and the gratuitous amount of nudity. However, only the ladies get naked. I guess the guys were just too self conscience of they're package to participate. Cowards.

     Look, it's a quick watch at 72 minutes, nudity every 10, a decent metal soundtrack, and it's not the worst thing you'll see this year. It's bad, but not Pod People bad. And like all good bad movies....there's a sequel!!!... but alas, that will have to wait, I have a boat-load of trash to get through starting with a repeat offender.

Tuesday: This...THIS is the Nick that I remember.....

When in doubt, root for the bad guy...

 The Mutilator

     Fucking college co-eds...it's always college co-eds. Screen writers HATE them. Naturally, so do I because they're all idiots. I wish The Mutilator nothing but success in his endeavors. Every one of these block-heads are terrible to be around and they should have their face punched often or just removed.

Kill them ALL!!!

     Ed is a kid. Ed cleaned all of his dads guns, but somehow didn't notice the chambered round in a rifle and pulls the trigger (he didn't clean them very well), killing his mommy. Dad has a mental breakdown but somehow still manages to raise a well-adjusted son by himself and even sends him off to college.

     However, with time the pot finally boiled over and his dad decides to start picking off his sons co-ed friends while they're at his vacation fishing house over Fall Break. And by the way, just what the hell is Fall Break? I never went to a 4-year university or college, but I'm pretty sure Fall Break didn't involve road trips to vacation homes in the same vein as Spring break. 

    Anyhoo, as soon as they arrive and the Sun sets, dad starts murdering all the stupid horny co-eds with pretty much whatever he had lying around. Examples of his 'can-do improvising' can seen as follows:

Death By drowning

Death by boat motor 

Death by axe-capitation

Death by Hay Fork (It was Ralph, and it was the most satisfying death!!! Fuck Ralph)

Death by Giant Fish Hooking

The good thing about B-grade horror movies from the '80s is they are finite...and I'll be happy to remove this from my watch list.

Monday: Monsters HATE sex in the woods...

Guess who's back?...I guess....

Who's ready for another 31 movies filled with gimmicky plotlines lean on content?

ME!!! Just push play...

Resident Evil: The Final(?) Chapter

     First, a confession: I've never played the video games, I've never watched ANY of the seemingly endless sequels, never read any of the comic books/graphic novels. So this is the theoretical final movie ( we ALL know that's not true...ever.), and that is where I chose to start? Well, it's a little more complicated than that and also a really boring back story. But this is what I watched on the first day of October 2022!

...and naturally, I have no idea what's going on as it starts just after the last film. The Poppyclypse has just happened and our heroine emerges from a hole in the ground. Right away action happens, near death experiences everywhere she looks. And that happens throughout the movie. The main storyline is that an antivirus for the T-virus exists. In fact, it's always existed, but it was a big secret. One of her nemesis's (an artificial intelligence program) that she totally hates has decided to help her save the day, save the world...by killing off everything and everyone infected with the virus...by use of the antivirus! Really, thought that was the point of the nukes, but whatevs. After more near death experiences, she hooks up with some holdouts in a tall building, and somehow she convinces them to go with her and help save the day. Spoiler: Only 1 survives and it doesn't break my heart. The rest is pretty typical affair and I won't bore you with those details but I would like to note the epilog hints that even though the savior antivirus, which is ALSO a deadly virus to those infected (see above), there's more adventures to come because it takes time for the second deadly pandemic to spread. Proving once again, there's no such thing as a 'Final Chapter'. 

Sunday: I've no idea what I'm going to watch. I'm really behind on filling out my list because I have a life...mostly....