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Halloween 4: The Return of Michael Myers

     Just to clarify the tally, Myers has been shot about 10 times, stabbed in the eye, and blown up. Yet, he survived all of that just so he could get his Kirk-faced ass back to Haddonfield and kill whatever relation is still there.  And trust me, the pickin's are getting slim. Laurie Strode died in a car accident, leaving her only daughter with a foster family.  In the most original plot device ever, Michael escapes during a transport between sanitariums. With that, the hunt is on for young Jamie Lloyd, orphaned daughter of Laurie.

   Michael seems to have super strength now, despite being comatose for 10 years. I would think muscle atrophy would be an issue. And despite his lumbering around at half a snails pace, nobody can seem to out run him. Dr. Loomis, on the other hand, now sports a limp and new facial scars from the explosion in the 2nd film.

     One of the biggest annoyances of this movie is Jamie's visions of Michael Myers. How could she even know what he looks like? She was born long after the events in 1978. One scene even includes a vision she has of what young Michael was wearing when he committed his first murder. How would she know that? Well...there is an explanation of that and a small tease at the end of this movie, but largely you'll have to wait till #5 for the full story.

This movie is slow, boring, and pointless. The kills are typical, and one is even comical in a sarcastic way

It was a loaded shotgun. Rather than pull the trigger, he impales her. It's like smacking someone to death with a scabbard rather than use the sword inside.

      And in the end, even though you see Myers shot with countless rounds of bullets and then rammed down a mine shaft that conveniently collapses, it's all for naught because you know there's a 5th film and so on.

Sunday: It's like Night Rider, but with 100% less Hoff.

Great...now I can't watch The Howling series....

An American Werewolf In London

     When I told people that I hadn't seen this movie yet, there was disbelief. It's a horror classic and it's always been on my mental list of movies to see, and I'm just now seeing it for the first time.

     Two annoying 'Mericuns are backpacking their way across England when they visit a pub featuring a unique pentagram carved on the wall and lit by candles. After a very short stay, they're given a cold shoulder when they ask about the strange and obvious conversation piece. They head back out on the road and twice ignore warnings to 'stay on the roads, stay away from the moors'. Well, this IS a horror movie, so we ignore that warning and wander out into the English countryside to be brutally murdered by a werewolf. These things happen. Anyhoo, one dumb 'Murican survives and is sent to the hospital to recuperate and bang an English nurse. Sweet gig, bro.

     Sadly, all is not well and 'ghost' of his murdered friend warns him to kill himself because he'll kill others and all of his victims will be stuck wandering the Earth. It turns out that when it's an 'unnatural' kill, they can't rest in peace. We've got ourselves a decent plot!

     There's some typical dark British humor leaving you to believe that it's a comedy, but it sure as hell doesn't end that way. I really can't poke too many holes in this movie because it's just a fun watch and I'm glad I finally made the time to watch it. It seems I clam up when it's a decent movie.

Saturday: Crap....I'm stuck in the '80s...

Yep...the third movie is always the waffle...

Halloween 3: Season of the Witch

     Wow. OK, first of all, this is NOT a direct sequel to the Halloween franchise. In fact, the only connection made was a TV commercial for a broadcast of the original Halloween film. That's it! No Michael Myers, no Laurie Strode, no Dr. Loomis.

     In contrast, we have a movie centered around a mysterious Halloween novelty mask factory located in a very strange town featuring a 6pm curfew. Creepy things happen, suited men who don't speak kill people, and the most annoying TV commercial jingle you'll ever hear.

     Sooooo, not that this makes any sense, but I guess the masks contain a chip that is activated when a particular TV commercial is viewed.  Once viewed, you die. Then bugs and snakes start pouring out of your head. I guess it's some sort ancient sacrifice. To be honest,  once I started hearing the explanation, I zoned it out because it was weak as hell.

     This could have been named anything. Anything BUT Halloween. And while not a great movie, it was far from terrible. That's why it's a little hard for me to poke holes in it. It would have made a great movie under any other name. So what we end up with is a decent movie that is considered the red headed step-child of a well known movie franchise. However, there is a very good reason for the dramatic change-up in the story-line: John Carpenter didn't want to continue the Michael Myers saga, so instead agreed to produce it as long as it became an anthology movie series. In other words, every Halloween movie from that point on would have a different story, different director, ect. We know that didn't happen, but it wasn't a terrible idea. But the bottom line was money, and this entry didn't do near as well as the first two. So they went back to what works: Captain Kirk trolling neighborhoods, murdering horny teens, while not saying a word. Would it kill him to do more than grunt once in a while?

Two things I liked:

The soundtrack was full-on synth and I thought it was cool. It reminded me of The Keep's music score.

Tom Atkins, an '80s movie staple whose resume includes The Fog, Escape From New York, Creepshow, Lethal Weapon, Maniac Cop, and one of my personal favs, Night Of The Creeps. 

Friday: I've just now realized that my first 6 movies haven't broken past the '80s barrier....

One more from the VHS Rental store

Chopping Mall

AGAIN--->Nothing depicted in this poster happens in the movie

     Walking down the hallowed rows of VHS tapes in the local rental store, you were sure to see this bitchin' jacket that oozed violence in the form of a shopping bag filled with dismembered body parts held by a metal armored hand. After all, it WAS called 'Chopping Mall', and that was what you were promised....

But it was the 80s, and we were also promised the standardized metric system in the US. Neither were delivered.

     Tell me if you've ever heard this one before: Three new robotic security guards designed to watch over a mall after hours are struck by lighting and malfunction, going on a murder rampage. Because horror movies always have horny teens involved, that intersects with an after work party  held in one of the closed stores. The robo-rent-a-cops mistake them for trespassers, and decide to lay waste to these retarded mall rats. So let's look at this formula: Shopping mall, teens partying and screwing, robotic killing machines,...hell, the only thing missing is a  Molly Ringwald knock-off. Instead we got a Cheri Currie knock off and a sweet totally '80s mall montage as the opening credits.

It's OK. She was the annoying one that screamed at EVERYTHING.

     The only way I could have made this more nostalgic is if I bought a used VHS that once graced a rental store.

     The only person you'll really recognize is Dick Miller. HOWEVER: Gerrit Graham, aka Bud The CHUD, makes brief appearance as one of the robot technicians. Everyone else is forgettable.

From L to R: Middle child twatwaffle, Forgetable bravado, Workaholic nerd-bro

and the Bro-tard.

Thursday: Is it me, or is the third movie always the where the franchise falls apart?

Still no clue why he hates his family soooo much...

Halloween 2

No smart-ass caption. This is a cool movie poster

     Didn't it occur to anybody to aim for his head? The mask isn't bullet proof, fool!

     We pick up right at the point the first movie ended, with Michael Meyers escaping Dr. Loomis and the Po-po despite being shot 6 times. Wounded, Laurie's hauled off to the hospital, while Dr. Loomis, the police chief, and the rest of the cops are starting to figure out that Mr. Myers isn't dead yet. Naturally, in accordance with normal horror movie laws, Michael follows her to the hospital and goes on a stabby rampage. It seems like stalking victims in hospitals is a pretty common horror film trope, as I'm starting to realize.

     Anyhoo, a 40 minute grind through the hospital with some interesting kills:

Death by scalpel to the eye,

Death by drowning/melting of face

Death by bloodletting

Death by needle with injection to the temple

Death by more scalpel stabbing (first time I've ever seen someone get stabbed so hard, it knocks their shoes off)

Death by...holy shit, is that Dana Carvey?

     The climax is rather explosive, and I'd like to note that once Laurie got a gun in her hand, she had the sense to SHOOT THAT SHATNER FREAK IN THE FACE. Finally, somebody gets it!!!

That's right, Laurie. Pop a cap in his ass.

      And with that, her long night is over. However, I'm pretty sure SHE'LL be the one in the asylum after enduring this.

Wednesday: What could possibly be more 80's than a horror film in a shopping mall?

Your father was the actual devil and your movie was still lame?

Lady Death
2004

Maybe it's taking me longer to get into the mood this year or something but this movie was disappointing, too. Maybe it's because it's an American produced film channeling Anime and that never bodes well. Maybe it's because I'd come to expect better things from the now defunct ADV. Maybe it's because it doesn't hold a candle to animated horror fantasy entries like the original Heavy Metal or Devil Girl. It just seemed like a lackadaisical effort for what should've been a great character.

Anyway...

Hope finds out her father, blood thirsty mercenary Matthias, is really the devil (specifically, Lucifer). He absconds to hell, taking the soul of her would-be lover, Niccolo, and leaves her to pay for his sins. She makes a deal with a demon who "rescues" her from burning at the stake and is transported to hell. It should be noted that the passage to Hell really resembled an anus and rectum - right down to the lingering excrement that covered her as she traveled. I'm not entertaining the subliminal message to this.

Hell is to be expected: deception and torture. Lucifer is a real bastard and keeps the soul of her dead mother trapped in a bauble above his throne. He offers Hope a place by his side but she refuses and is cast out. The whole rest of the movie is her training with a former slave named Cremator, to exact revenge on dear old dad. Along the way, her skin turns white, her hair grows longer and her clothes get skimpier. Dassit!

I kept hoping there'd be at least one gratuitous sex scene but they never went there. Even the gore was blasé. She only kills one of Lucifer's lieutenants and the battle with the Big Red was rather humdrum. Honestly, the trip down the poop shoot was the most memorable part of this. That's disturbing.

From the era of leg warmers and denim jackets...

C.H.U.D. 2: Bud The CHUD

I would like to note that nothing you see on this movie poster actually happens.

     The CHUD program is ending, and the last experiment escapes. I guess his name is Bud.  He's recaptured rather quickly, but for some reason, they decided to hide the body in some 'Podunk Midwestern town'. Look, I'm not sure if it's good practice to leave a body on the loading docks, but this is an 80's movie, and that sort of thing happens all the time. Once again, Bud breaks free, and we're knee-deep in a silly, pointless sequel. But, let's be honest. This isn't a horror movie, it's a damn comedy. Everyone is incompetent,  most of the talent is wasted by making the characters into complete tools, and slapstick comedy isn't very horror-movie like.  And speaking of talent, check out this cast:

Bianca Jagger?!?
June Lockhart?!?
Robert Vaughn?!?
Larry Linville?!?---Actually, he was a scene-stealer. He did great.

     Now let's talk about Bud for a minute. He's the last of the CHUD experiments, and he breaks loose only to fall into the hands of two completely daft high school students. Played by Garrit Grahm, he's basically Frankenstein's monster unleashed into a house full of suburbanite twats. Half the movie is him 'learning' how to do things like flush the toilet, walk, eat dogs, ect. He even tries some aerobics. Anyone he bites, he infects with his CHUD royal jelly, and they become one as well. He even has his own theme music with people chanting 'Bud the CHUD' over a very 80s soundtrack. But all Bud wants is meat. Any kind he can get his CHUDy little hands on. He's insatiable and starts spreading this joy to most of the town.

"Hi. My name is Bud. My hobbies include eating people, eating people, and when I'm really bored, I eat people."

     Like all movies involving teens in the 80s, the climax happens at a high school dance as a mob of newly infected CHUD's crash the party and try to turn it into a meat market. Wacky hi-jinks ensue, and this is why I drink bourbon. This town is full of morons and deserves to be eaten by CHUDS. Thankfully, because I know you're not going to watch this movie and therefore I don't feel bad about dropping this spoiler, one of the protagonist becomes infected, and heads out on the open road. Good for him. Get out there and see the world, you disease ridden animated corpse.

Notable quotes:
"Doesn't that guy look too skanky?"

Tuesday: For once, a non-pointless sequel? Maybe?

Extended stay in Haddonfield IL.

No need for introductions. For the next 31 days, my ass belongs to my couch. The bestest of all seasons is upon us, and I'm diving right in with the my pick for this years sequel marathon:

Helloween


I've always considered this franchise to be the last in the 'Big Three'.  We've all seen endless sequels become stagnant, but this one always gave me the feeling that it was just one long stalker film. As of today, there's 8 total, with a 9th on the way. I've only seen one, so I hope this marathon knocks out my preconceived notions of a monotonous string of movies and a rather dull antagonist.

        We begin with the murder that started it all. Poor young Michael Meyers (for reasons unknown) stabs the hell out of his sister, and the rest is (mostly) history...sort of. 15 years later, he breaks out of an insane asylum, and things get REALLY stabby. But despite the random killings, he does have one solid target: Laurie Strode, played by a very young (but still too old to pull off a 17 year old teen) Jamie Lee Curtis. Unbeknownst to Laurie, she's Michael's younger sister. Oh, but Michael knows, and for some reason he needs to eliminate the last of his family.

Also featured is Donald Pleasence, who plays Dr. Loomis (Michael's shrink). He knows what Michael is capable of, and heads to Haddonfield to stop him. He does this walking around. I'm not making that up. He's just walking up and down the streets till Michael jumps out of the shrubs. The next thing we know, horny teens are dropping like flies because Michael has the worst aim.  By the time we get to the climax, we're worn out and just want this slow burn of a film to end. Despite the 90 minute run time, this feels more like 2 full hours of nothing happening, then 10 minutes of action/suspense to end it. I'm really not sure how this became a popular enough movie to warrant a sequel, but the 8TH sequel is set to hit the theaters in October 2018.


        Something to consider:  It's mostly common knowledge that Michael's mask was actually a James T. Kirk Halloween mask painted white. So that essentially means that you're watching Kirk go on a murder spree.

Monday: It's Bud's time to shine!

Promo Posters Continue to LIE!

Manborg
2011

Someone should have warned me this was Canadian...

It's never as good as the promo poster, is it?

I thought this was going to be like Kung Fury and it actually had good reviews (which I now attribute to bad taste and cash payments). Alas, it was more like some geek's wet dream come to life - and poorly orchestrated.

And so we find ourselves fighting the dark forces of Draculon and his Hell army: cheesy CGI, bad masks and worse dialogue. Early in the film, a soldier is killed and his body taken from the battlefield. Fast forward a few years and Manborg (which sounds like a Canadian sandwich) - all trussed up in ventilator tubing and a cannibalized CPU mount - comes online to a world where Nazi Hell troopers rule the impoverished, defeated dregs of humanity. He's quickly captured.

Seems the new ruling class are into gladiator games and so we meet his fellow captees/fighters, whose names I honestly don't care to remember, but unfortunately do. The standout guy is #1 Man, an Asian male character who someone thought would be cooler with a voice-over track. (He wasn't.) Then there's Mina and her brother (who's either illiterate or near-sighted). The movie was almost over before I realized Mina is supposed to be Mina Harker (and a convert named "Lucy/Shadow Mega" is of course Westenra).

Your freedom is in the hands of these dorks.

They get sent to some kind of battle arena, where the others discover that Manborg is actually semi-useful. Eventually they escape, but not before we're subjected to the awkward pining of Hell's number two man (The Baron), for Mina. This was meant to be humorously awkward but it was really just painfully unnecessary.

The Baron just wants you to see the man inside...you know, if you survive and all.

By the way, I don't remember seeing one minority (other than #1 Man) in this whole movie. However, once out of occupied territory, they manged to hook up with an inarticulate midget because...it's a horrible post-apocalyptic B-movie with a bunch of pilfered characters and stereotypes. Enter Dr. Scorpius as holo-mentor to Manborg and apparently, conduit to his dead brother. No really. It was that bad. Scorpius admits to unleashing the armies of Hell using what looked like C+ programming. I'll buy that.

So the break back into Draculon's headquarters, end up in the arena again, and the boss fight between Dracs and Borgie happens. Unmemorable.