Fin

Killer Tomatoes Eat France

     Oh, c'mon! It's a movie about sentient tomatoes and Gomez Adams trying to take over the world. It's the 4^th goofy movie in the slapstick Killer Tomatoes franchise that once starred George Clooney and several appearances by John Austin. There's nothing more I can add to make this more appealing. I wanted something light and fun to end this year, and this is my pick.

     And that's my last film for this year. What a mess! The films were either dull as hell or over the top murder bombs. Japan week was completely insane, Leprechaun was as dumb as I expected, and I hope to never see another 'found footage' film for the rest of my life. And as always, I'm burnt out on movies, so I'm going to find a damn book or something....

Mechs Again

Godzilla vs. Mechagodzilla II
1993


Almsot forgot about this one. I took we like two weeks to finish watching this. Between classes and the tiny white lettering of the subtitles on Crackle (and their inane commercials) I could never get through the whole thing in one sitting.

Basically, there's a new Godzilla and this version of Mechagodzilla is a bio-robotic creation made to dispense him. How do they know it's a new Godzilla? Because they have a big tank with the skeletal remains of the old one that they've been storing since 1949(?).

I love Godzilla movies but there really isn't a lot to say about them. He's a big lizard and he loves to put the smack down on Japan. You'd think they'd just build a big shrine and leave him a couple tons of rice balls and those altar biscuits. 

Secret Sword Techniques and an Appearance of Claws

Blade (Anime)
2011


Okay so we all know Blade's deal: Eric is a Daywalker, having been born from a woman who was bitten while pregnant. In this version of the tale Eric is raised by his mother's prostitute roommies after her apparent death. Wait...so Blade is a trick baby? Nice.

The other half of Blade's deal is that he's always on the hunt for Deacon Frost, the man who killed his mother and turned him into a blood-fiend. Deacon is a scheming madman here whose backstory is that he actual gave himself vampirism to get back at vamps for the death of his son. I know...and it didn't make sense to anyone in the series either.

Anywho in typical Anime fashion, this serves up stylistic kills, and ridiculous monstrosities. I mean there were a pair of werelion twins, who I think may have also been vampires. I'm not kidding. There were vampire cats galore, and because this takes place mostly in Southeast Asia, there were a ton of disgusting amalgams between vampires and native folkloric creatures. My personal fave was the one that split in half, so only the top have went hunting. Even one of the characters uttered an "Ew."

Oh, and Wolverine made a guest appearance.

 This series had 12 episodes so I am counting it was three movie choices. I think I am at like 16 now. Obviously I'm not going to make it to 31 but it was a valiant effort with the stress of everything that's been going on.

Toodles until next year.

Every Dog Has Its Day

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans

I really have a lot to say about this movie but I'm thinking of revisiting that whole series for some analyses later. I can say this though: having watched this out of order, Underworld: Awakening seems even more of a disappointment.

The basics are that this is the story of Lucian - leader of the Lycan Horde - and how he came to be by Viktor's side...and eventually betray him. Viktor was a total bastard. If you didn't like him in the first movie , you'll really hate him this time around.

I loved the movie but I thought that some things could have been better. First, I disagree with how Kevin Grevioux's character came to be a Lycan.Second, slightly more could have been said about Wilhelm, the White Wolf. If this was your intro into Underworld, you'd have no idea who they were talking about. Also, despite Underworld: Evolution's foray into the past of both Markus and his brother, a lot about Wilhelm is left to conjecture. In this movie, though, it is at least hinted at that the Lycans born of Wilhelm's bite weren't just mindless animals. They had community, were clever enough to set traps (or at least utilize available means), and they recognized authority - or rather they chose an authority. Mindless beasts don't do that. despite what people like to think about the animal kingdom, there's a fare amount of order that does not speak to mindlessness. I would have preferred to understand how the early Lycans evolved or was that half of the species hunted to extinction?

Did I Just See Godzilla Dance?

The Terror of Mechagodzilla
1975


This movie opens with a six minute introduction featuring Godzilla doing a victory dance after stomping Ghidorah. The gist is that aliens are back on earth and up to no good with their creation, Mechagodzilla.

Mechagodzilla gets his binaries handed to him in the first ten minutes and is tossed into the sea. A research sub goes looking for him but is destroyed by a sea-faring dinosaur. Said dinosaur is under the control of a disgraced scientist, his cyborg daughter, and the aliens that made Mechs.

This was an English dub...so it kind of sucked. You do get to see Titanosaurus chest bump some planes out of existence and Godzilla sumo-up for some wreckage. Other than that, it's the usual stomping, screaming and collateral damage.

Apollo Creedence Clearwater Revival

Apollo 18

Damn it, another 'found footage' creep fest.

     This one starts out with super secret talk about Apollo 18, a moon mission 'that never happened'. And they're right, it never happened. You can't hide a Saturn V launch, let alone the building process. But this is movie-land and it's shoved in our faces with the assumption that we're dumb and won't do any sort of deductive reasoning.

     Anyway, two space yokels reach the moon, and discover * gasp !* the Commies have put a Cosmonaut up there as well....but with terrible results. The Rusky is dead and noooobody had said anything about it, despite totally knowing about it. Then the creepiness starts and we're treated to the usual spooooky moving rocks, communications cut, items disappearing, and everyone being pigeon-holed. And through this, we get a small and fleeting glance at the enemy: Space Spiders. Really? Are you fucking.....that was the best you could do?!? SPACE SPIDERS?!? Oh, let me clarify that....SPACE SPIDERS THAT HIDE IN, OR ARE, SPACE ROCKS.

Eh...Walter Koenig once humped a 14,000 space MILF.

     So now that we have that hammered out, it becomes dumb and in the end, everyone dies. And really, I'm fine with that. Up until the space spiders, it was a decent movie. That stupid little plot turd ruined it for me, but I can't fully say “don't watch this” because it's pretty decent. The pacing is near perfect, the acting is good, the F/X are 85% believable, and the only real complaint I have is with the sound. They stuffed EVERY creepy little noise that suggested slithering, creeping, and skittering into the background. Some of it helped the atmosphere, but it was just a bit overdone. Actually, it was a LOT overdone. 

OK, my last film for 2014 is......

Which Witch is Which?

Hansel and Gretel: Witch Hunters
2013


Well you already know the Hansel and Gretel backstory - two kids get abandoned in the woods and stumble upon a candy cottage run by a cannibal witch. This takes place while they are adults. After rescuing themselves from the clutches of the witch (and developing diabetes), H & G go on to become slayers-for-hire (think The Brothers Grimm, 2005, only minus the charlatanism).

They roll into a town that has been missing children and stay an execution. The woman they save develops the hots for Hansel, whom she successfully mounts before the shit really hits the fan.

I've watched this a few times, not because it's good but because it's an action-horror crossover and I seem to like those. They don't even attempt to be historically accurate (or as accurate as you can be in a supernatural film). H & G f-bomb and can big rudimentary guns. There's some pretty good splatter, but I realize that's not what makes this film interesting to me.

Hansel & Gretel contains a rather interesting power dynamic with respect to women. You have your good witches and your bad witches - all of whom die - and then you have you're potential witch, whose inability to access her power keeps her alive. Specifically, she lives by relying on the power of men, whether it's a rescue or a weapon. The message translated is that female power is dangerous.

Look At My Eyes!

Not of This Earth
1988

I will totally confess to watching this because I knew Traci Lords would get naked.

The movie was like a creepy version of the Blues Bros. Shades-wearing aliens from a dying, irradiated world are on earth milking humans for their blood; searching for a cure for radiation poisoning. Yeah, that didn't make sense to me either. Did I mention this stars Traci Lords?

Traci plays a nurse who gets a private gig working for some rich dude with a blood disorder, who needs daily transfusions. Guess who?

Creepy Wayfarer Shades kills a few folks, including Traci's friends, hypnotizes his doctor and plots of send all the special blood back to his home world. Eventually, he's foiled by Traci's kinda sexy cop boyfriend. But of course there's always another one where that came from. Queue breifcase-carrying New Shades Creepster.

This was a remake of a 1957 scifi feature and it wasn't bad for that fare. I should probably mention that the aliens can use mind control and kill people by looking at them. I guess when you run like a spazz you need to have some kind of offense plan.

Starro's Revenge

Grabbers
2012

Some Irish people are forced to drink to stay alive in this Tremors-meets-the-sea farce. SO many snarky comments, my mind can't handle it...

So some space creatures crash into the sea near Ireland and commence mating. What, were they on their honeymoon or something? Anyway, the female - which is about 1/4 the size of the male - is captured and her mate begins searching for her. Only he doesn't exactly understand that she'd been captured (versus playing hard to get). He starts showing up at all the places where her pheromones are and making offerings to her (out of the locals). The male is HUGE:

The middle looks like a huge anus. Tentacles and questionable orifices? This could be Japanese.

It turns out that the creatures (who exsanguinate their victims)  are susceptible to high blood-alcohol levels, Pity they ended up near the Emerald Isle. It doesn't end well.

I guess I could say more but I have a lot of movies to blog about in a short time so...add it to your list for next year. It was funny.

Best Line (that I understood):
"As flattering as it is to have a beautiful drunk slurring her feelings for me, this isn't the time."

You Can Interface with the Motherboard

Death Machine
1994

I can sum this up as Hardware interpreted by a indigent version of Universal Solider in Robocop's armor. And I can tell you it sucked.

So some lady CEO leaks info about her company's dirty misdeeds and pulls rank at a board meeting. Not the smartest move when you work for a weapon's manufacture that microchips all its execs...and has a chief designer that's an anti-social crazed lunatic...named Jack Dante (played by Brad Dourif channeling Trent Reznor). I'll bet someone thought it would be really cool to name their nutjob character Dante...because, you know, that's NEVER been done before...or better.

"So does this mean we can't interface?"

Anyway, Dante gets pissed at his boss (who he also wants to boink) and unleashes Warbeast. Remember the mousers built by Baxter Stockman in TMNT? Well Warbeast is basically a giant mouser with arms.

Frankly, the mousers were more frightening.

In the middle of all this, some high corporate eco-terrorists - that looked like they stepped out of Tank Girl or Johnny Mnemonic - raid the place and take hostages. Once everyone is assembled you can tell who the survivors will be right away. Soon they are all on the run from the mouser-beast, which apparently hunts on pheromones. Someone gets the bright idea to trip the fire alram with a big explosion, and seal all the blast doors...so of course later they have difficulty getting out.

I almost want to watch Hardware again just so I can scrub the images of this from my mind. Also, Dylan McDermott...mmm.

You'll Get My VCR When You Pry It From My Cold Dead Hands 2: Sequel Reckoning

V/H/S/ 2

...aka GoPros gone Wild!!

     That's the thing about 'found footage' movies: Crappy camera, lots of innuendo, and more questions than answer at the end. That's typically why I find them annoying and avoid at all costs. When I chose the first V/H/S last year, I cursed myself when I realized what it was. However, I made a commitment, so I stuck it out and watched it. Strangely, it satisfied me just enough to pique some interest in the sequel, and that's why I picked it...and thankfully, I was happy with what I saw.

     4 stories, with a 5^th acting as bumpers. It's the same formula from the first film, but I think the real differences showed in the 'startle' factor. And normally, I hate those film. I startle easy, but that's not the same thing as scaring me. None of the film was actually scary, BUT---at some point in every story, I had goosebumps with a smile on my face. The goosebumps don't happen to me very often, and hardly ever because of a horror movie. It could have just been the mood I was in, but for some reason this movie clicked with me and I enjoyed the hell out of it.

     It takes too much to examine every story, so I'm just going to give a small glimpse of what you'll see:

      Eye gouging, exploding cult leaders, alien abduction, zombie feasting (POV, of course), a demon spawn finds his 'papa', and a very coordinated mass suicide. Wanna see the 'papa' thing? Thought you'd never ask

Yup, that's his son. He has his dads....tendency to drool.

Thursday: Major Tom to OMG WTF IS THAT?!?!?!!?

"Your mother ate my dog!!!"

"Well, not ALL of it!"

Dead Alive, aka Braindead

     When part of your back story is about a rat/monkey hybrid whose whole existence is due to hot, dirty rat-on-monkey action, you've got to wonder what's in New Zealands water.

     Poor Lionel has an overbearing mother from hell that tries to control every aspect of his life. When a nice local girl is convinced through a tartott reading that Lionel is her dreamboat, they go for a date and immediately hit it off. Sadly, his mother isn't content with Lionel's happiness, and begins spying on them while at a zoo. While sneaking around the monkey cages, she's bitten by the rat/monkey thing mentioned earlier and it infects her with some funky virus that turns her into a flesh eating zombie. From there on, it's some sick and twisted hijinks when several other people are inadvertently zombified and poor Lionel becomes a corpse-master, keeping them all in the basement. I gather he's never heard of a wood chipper. Through all of this, his dirtball uncle shows up and blackmails him out of his 'deceased' mother's house and throws a huge party where everyone is having a ball...till the zombies get loose. Then things get nasty...

"Great day for a mow!"

...and I mean NASTY! This was actually gorier than any of the messed up Japanese films I spent all of last week watching. There was more decapitation, more blood showers, more wince-worthy scenes than anything I've ever encountered in all the years I've watched films. It was oozy, bloody, chunky, messy, drippy, and above all else, FUCKED UP!!! Until you've seen a man swallowed whole by his giant zombie mothers womb and then follow that up with a bloody menstrual expulsion from said womb....or being chased around an attic by a set of sentient and fully intact intestines, you've never seen gore.

"Yep, looks like we're done here. Spot of tea?"

    And the best part? It's not really low budget. The actors were great, the F/X was tops considering this is from the non-CGI era, and the direction was spot on. And why wouldn't it be? It was partially writen and directed by Peter Jackson. Yeah, that guy made some messed up movies before any of the Lord of the Ring films were even a screen play. One thing I suggest is if you seek out this movie, make sure it's the 97 minute feature, and not the heavily censored and sanitized 85 minute version. If you watch that one, you'll have no idea what I'm talking about.

Tuesday: That's really deep, man....

How To Suck In Space Travel And Everything Else....

Galaxy of Terror

     Oddly enough, I think this is my first Roger Corman production for the year. But it is my second Alien rip-off of the season, so let's get this clunky turd out of the way

    Some sort of mystery beast has decimated an entire crew and a rescue ship is dispatched. Honestly, the take-off, faster than light travel, and landing were all super dramatic and tense. You'd think they'd have this down by now, but nope, they suck at it. But that's not even half of this crews problem. Right from the start, things go to shit and people start dropping off like flies. Each one is killed by a manifestation of their each individual fears....wait, it wasn't Alien that got ripped off here, it was Forbidden Planet! Anyhoo, one particularly disturbing death was when the hawtest member of the crew is raped by a slimy worm-beast. Right before she dies, she has a major O and almost dies with a smile on her face. But mostly not. She was, after all, raped by a gigantic phallic metaphor.

Excuse me sir, are one of those things your wiener, or are they ALL wieners?

     When the other members of the crew find her corpse, she's naked and covered in slime. They torch her body where it sat immediately...without bothering to check for a pulse! Idiots. Starting to root for the the monster right about now. As the crew is burned beyond recognition, choked to the point of cranial explosion, and dismembered by glass shards, I realize that the bad acting isn't the actors fault as much as it's the directors. The talent pool isn't bad: Ray Walston, Robert Englund, and super creep Zalman King round out the cast of rather irrelevant people.

    This was another of those VHS rental dreams picks and the movie poster was infinitely better than the actual movie. It's considered a cult film but I don't see it. As I've said before, cult films are repeatedly viewed and this isn't a film that you'd watch more than once. And I did. Now I'll never have to again (willingly)

Monday: The greatest movie title contradiction in terms