Down the Rabbit hole we go...

 Evil Bong 888: Infinity High

     Rabbit spends his inheritance opening a very classy restaurant in an attempt to move beyond his weed smoking past. The first person to walk in the door is a bimbo with a face frozen because of the extreme amount of collagen lodged inside. She also has huge boobs and no talent. Yet somehow she ends up with a job as a hostess. It's probably the boobs.

     Later we meet a stereotypical German that cooks French food. 2 useless waitresses, and that goddamn stupid bong, EeBee. Somehow she (it's a she/her, right? I don't recall a specific pronoun) is helping in the kitching and calling everyone 'muthafucka'. Guess what? I hate EVERYONE in this movie. And despite a total runtime of 59:09, it still felt like forever.

     The restaurant attracts every sort of complete idiot you can imagine and with the help of EeBee, they all get stoned, eat tons of food, take their shirts off, and act like extreme Karens. Pretty soon, the fuzz show up to arrest Rabbit and suddenly he spawns Larnell. 5 words came out of his mouth and I remember why I hate him so much. In the end, everyone is sucked back into EeBee's world in order to prevent being sucked into Rabbit's mind and we're PROMISED this is the last we see of these fucking idiots. 

GO. AWAY.

Friday: Troma to the rescue...

Why do people forget how to run?

 Blackenstein

Trust me, every version of the movie poster was terrible

     Doctor Winifred Walker's husband was badly wounded in Vietnam losing most of his limbs to a mine or something. A former teacher has been working on some magic DNA science and she thinks he might be able to help. He agrees to help and the husband is transferred to his lab. During the experiments on her husband, one of the lab assistants professes his love for Winifred and naturally she turns him down. So, he goes all pissy-pants and doses her husbands experimental fluid with poorly labeled containers filled with....something. Hell if I know, it was just colored water. This, in turn creates one of the most bloated Frankenstein's Monster I've ever seen and also the least convincing version. Stiff and dull seems to sum it up best. 

You seriously can't out run him?!?

     Anyhoo, our thicc monster does the usual rampage thing, kills some innocent people, kills some bad people,  and ends up being torn to pieces by dogs...somehow they were stronger than bullets? Yeah, I don't watch these for realism.

     I don't get it....how could a blaxploitation horror film from the '70s with a budget that equals a handful of postage stamps have acting issues? And f/x issues? And writing issues...?!? Mind-blowing! You'd think everyone would be all about this film and not just out for a quick buck.😒

Thursday: Damn it, these idiots again....8th time's the charm, right?

If you're in need of a nap....

 Dracula on Holiday

     It's a simple idea: Drac is old, boring and stuck in his ways, possibly consumed by fears. But in his defense, his fears include water, garlic, sunlight, bibles, crosses...the usual things that KILL VAMPIRES. I would call these reasonable fears for a man of his condition. But if people were reasonable, we wouldn't have this stunning plot. So, it's off to Scotland  to see the sights with his trusty Renfield and some lady name Lucy in tow. And for the next 1hr 20min they do so in the most benign fashion possible. Then the ex shows up...but...SFW!!!

    This movie is soooooo boring!!!  Cripes, what a waste of time. I could have been reading q-codes instead of sitting through this. This was as much a horror movie as the Halloween movies are to training for long distance running. I'm sure this looked good on paper, but it clearly did not translate well. Maybe having one guy do pretty much everything stifled the creative process? Please observe: 

Moving the hell on...

Wednesday: A cinematic classic from 1973...

Friends don't let friends make horror movies...

Return to Splatter Farm

     Tell me if you've heard this story before....Idiot friends go on a weekend trip to a farm that has a deadly reputation. Another idiot that lives there helps all of them die. There's no new hook, nothing unique or noteworthy, and is 100% a complete waste of time. Everyone in this movie should consider a career at Best Buy, Kohl's, or maybe something really exciting like office drone in an insurance company.

     Was this a fucking school project? Or was it a group of friends that said "We know how to make movies!!!". That is a lie. They do not know how to make a movie. To call it ham-fisted acting, featuring stiff and awkward deliveries would be a massive understatement. Ya know what?! I'm not going to take any of this serious if  you idiots can't!

But not all is lost! It's only 72 minutes. Hooray!!! But seriously, don't watch this movie.

Tuesday: You're taking a vacation from what, exactly?

Time to whack it!

Killer Pinata

Movie posters ALWAYS overrate the film

     A sentient pinata has had its fill of the way humans treat pinatas, so it goes on a murder spree, exacting revenge for all that have fallen to the candy-lust of children. Bought for a birthday party, it was spared because the child picked another pinata. However, it is forced to watch that pinata be bludgeoned to death for it's sweet candy entrails. Meanwhile, the shopkeeper that sold it is hunting it down because she knows it's evil. Her first clue was it murdered one of her employees. Also, she has a hook for a hand. I have no idea why that's a detail, but she uses it to maul innocent pinatas in her quest to stop the real one. Way to go, Capt. Ahab! 

     This is an intentionally bad movie, but...it actually has a director that knows how to direct. There was an over use of slo-mo, but it can be forgotten because it was placed well. Wow, the even had a decent editor? I'll put money down it was the same guy. 

Some boring movie notes:

The Killer Pinata bit a guys weiner off...AFTER fellating him.

I find the lack of .gifs for this movie disturbing

Thats not fake blood, that's fucking red paint! That's a new low!

The hand hook is never explained. I want that back story!

Rumor has it there's a sequel.....

Monday: What happens on the farm can easily be hidden....

In Name Only....

Xtro 3

     Some military dork meets with a reporter to tell his story about the government cover-up of aliens on a small island that was long forgotten. His mission was to take a squad of fuck-ups to the island and diffuse bombs/mines left over from WWII. While searching for mines, they uncover a  lot of strange items including human remains. This being an Xtro movie means stupid aliens are involved. The alien had been encased in a concrete vault, but our idiot protagonists cracked it open and freed the alien. Naturally, the alien starts butchering everyone. At this point, I'd normally root for the alien, but it's literally a dummy. Not a guy dressed up, just a mannequin...or alieninequin? Oh, it also has a electrified lasso tongue, vomits gooey web from its mouth, and can go into a chameleon mode (totally NOT ripping off Predator).

Scary stuff

     This is a pointless movie. The only thing this film has in common with its predecessors is aliens. I watched this simply because I'm compelled to finish out a franchise, no matter how bad (see: Evil Bong). The story sucked, F/X sucked, and not even Tom Hank's younger brother could help the shitacular acting. When you can't act like you're smoking a pot pipe despite probably having used one hundreds of times in real life...you know you've got problems. Yet somehow, they managed to stretch this turd out for 96 minutes. And somehow I sat through all of it. I'm beginning to think I'm some sort of bad movie masochist.

Sunday: Please don't mess this one up....