FFS, STOP CROWD FUNDING THESE!!!

Evil Bong 666

Face the face of Evil, Face the face of Stupid.

  

     OK, so maybe I've gone too far. Maybe I've pushed myself to the point of futility in watching these terrible movies. And yes, I've been stoned to the point where I thought I couldn't move my arms, hands...eyes. Limited experience, but I have a background and I have to admit, there's no way in hell that I would have ever found this funny. It helped me with Pink Floyd's Animals, but this would be a pile of shit under any kind of influence. I could have been watching the Devils play they Coyotes, but no...I said 'I have to do this' because I have masochistic integrity. Damn it.

     Rabbit has sold EeBee's Boutique to a hot Satan worshiper named Lucy Furr and somehow she springs EeBee the Evil Bong from Sexy Hell (fuck, this is fan-fiction written by a 12 year old). EeBee tells her about Sexy Hell and Lucy will do what ever she has to go get there. I'm not really sure what's so great about Sexy Hell, but it's ran by a guy named Beelzebud. Two of the mainstay hotties from the other 5 movies also get sucked in to the Sexy Hell and for some stupid reason, Rabbit and EeBee get together to try and bring them back. Then they send Gingerdead Man as an enforcer, then they make their own 'Gingerweed Man' and then you realize that even though this movie is only 1 hour, 5 minutes...you've wasted your entire Saturday night. It's now ruined because you spent an hour watching characters in a franchise that should be burned to the ground, and the ashes blasted into space. Who cares how it ended (though I did watch it all), I just know it's over.

….but you know damn well there's going to be a sequel, on top of the teaser for the next Gingerdead Man film....I've created my own hell....

Sunday: The Final 3...

I'm not even sure why they bothered with a movie poster...

Attack Of The Vegan Zombies

     God, the levels I stoop to. A wife turns to her occult mother to help boost her husbands failing vineyard. It helps to have a wiccan mother. Naturally the fallowing year is a bumper crop and some idiotic co-eds are hired to help pick grapes. 2 completely over the top geek-nerds, and 2 bargain bin blondes. The vineyard's good fortune is noticed by the other local farmers during a bad season. One of the neighbor farmers decides to sneak a sample out and is attacked by the vine. I'm not making that up. I guess they have a taste for blood and start eating people or something. It's not really made clear and I don't think I care. As the vines continue to grow out of control and make it impossible for people to leave the vineyard, other people start disappearing and the wife starts owning up to what she had her mother do. I'd like to note at the one hour mark, NO FUCKING ZOMBIES YET.....

     After being trapped indoors, the vines start to move into the house and take over the body of one girl....that they painted green. That's all they did for makeup. Green paint. Green paint means zombie? Green paint means zombie if you're a broke-ass budget. In fact, I'm pretty sure the highest expenditure was for the gallon of green paint used sparingly on 4 or 5 of the local talent that showed up for the casting. There's no way they could have recruited for this film. Alley Sheedy and Molly Ringwald aren't doing much right now. You could have gave them a call. Hell, you could have rounded up ¾ of the Brat Pack on a tight budget and turn this pile of shit into a piece of crap!

Saturday: One more turd to fish out of the punch bowl....

Giving robots a bad name since 1984...

Class of 1999

     Released in 1990, it looks like it came from 1985. But there's a decent explanation for that: The short of the long is that bankruptcy forced a delay. Granted, 1989 vs.1990 doesn't' seem like a huge jump, but I remember a considerable change in attitude in the new decade. Then again, I may be taking a myopic view of history. Due to a couple of years sitting on the shelf, this movie never made any big news. But that's also because it's kind of crappy and about 5 years past it's expiration date. Had this shipped in 1985, it'd been a classic.

     OK, this is a little confusing. The year is 1999, and certain areas of large cities are overrun with crime, and cops cannot go anywhere near them. They're called “Free-Fire” zones and there's no laws within those areas. Yet, somehow there's a school smack dab in the middle of the Seattle FF zone and...there's armed guards making students check in their weapons before entering? That sounds like a little more control than a lawless zone usually has. Anyhoo, a group of robotic teachers are now part of the academic staff and they're not fucking around. Snapped necks, brutal beat-downs, forcing druggies into OD'ing. They seem to have sadism in their programming because they just love to discipline students till they stop breathing. And the programmers don't seem to mind. And why would they? The head programmer is Stacy Keach sporting white hair, a ponytail, and creepy contacts. Not exactly what I would consider a quality thinker.

As the film progresses, we learn the android teachers were converted military units and old habits die hard. Eventually, they label every student as a threat and start a gang war to kill off the bulk of the miscreants. All the student gang-tards figure this out and go on the offensive in what ends up a battle at the...oh, you'll never guess this.....at the High School. Because hospitals, dances, and schools are where every climax needs to take place. That's called that 80-90 rule that I just made up. Naturally, at the end, our victorious warriors emerge from the ruins of the school knowing that they're the champions....but they seem to forget that they're still in a war-zone and everything sucks.

Yes, this was a bad movie. But, I have to put it in the Saturday Afternoon class because even though you know it's crap, it's still kind of interesting. However, I get the impression from this cast that some people need this gig to pay their mortgage:

Stacey Keach

Malcolm McDowell,

Pam Grier

Friday: PC Zombies are the most pretentious soy latte-swilling jackasses you'll ever meet...

Making Pumpkinhead look like an intellectual...

Rawhead Rex

     A little history: I first read this story somewhere around 1988-1991 in one of Clive Barker's Books Of Blood. That series  of books also spawned Cabal (aka Nightbreed), Midnight Meat Train,  and  The Last Illusion (Lord of Illusions). Each of these stories made it to film, but it was years before I knew that Rawhead Rex had also been adapted.  Each of these films had a questionable quality, and clearly a super low budget, but I still enjoyed them (mostly). I was never really motivated to watch this one because nobody, and I mean NOBODY has much good to say about it. But I've chosen this as the year to watch it...

     So I guess it's an Irish thing to bury immortal tooth-faced beasts under phallic pillars in the middle of fields. In the first scene, we're treated to a handful of farmers (?) trying to remove this centuries old pillar with the help of a tractor and, I can only assume, a bottle of Jameson. After tugging and wiggling, smoke starts spewing from underneath, and Rawhead jumps out. Rawhead Rex looks like this:

Toothy bastard would have ruled the WWE.

     Next we meet our protag, Howard Hallenbeck,  an American traveling around Ireland doing research on holy places and such. He's brought the whole family with him, I might add. That proves to be a mistake as Rawhead eventually tires of mature human flesh and puts some focus on human veal in the form of Howard's son. From there, we have a man hunt (or Rex hunt, as it were) involving a not-quite convinced police force, and one creepy Deacon that's in love with Rawhead. Enough so, that he willingly partakes in "water sports" with Rex in some sort of baptism.

Giggity.

     After some useless scenes of people running around, doing nothing urgently, we're treated to a climax in the graveyard of the local church featuring a rock as the deus ex machina. But as always, there's rules to this sort of thing and that means the 'God rock' will only work in the hands of a woman. Good thing Howard's wife ignored his pleading to 'stay someplace safe'. If it weren't for her, glowy worms wouldn't have shot out the of the rock and turned Rex into an old, gray, dusty corpse.

Despite the simple effects, simple plot, un-charismatic cast, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. It was by no means great, the only scene you're likely to remember is the pissing baptism, but it has its place in the deep dark corners of the horror film archives.


 For another take on this, Ms. Gucci has covered this movie here : http://sghorrorfest.blogspot.com/2013/10/ireland-will-never-be-same.html

Thursday: This happened both before and after I graduated from High School....

Really, I'm starting to become ashamed of this...

Evil Bong: High 5

    When we last saw these retarded potheads, they were stuck inside Eebee's bong-world. And I was happy knowing they were stuck in there. They weren't bothering anyone, and they weren't making stupid weed jokes. Sadly, Eebee decided to up the ante on her world domination plot by sending Rabbit and Larnel to the real world to make money selling her super mega weed. As ransom, she holds Larnel's kinda-girfirends in the bong-world till they round up $1 million dollars. This plot's got some meat on it's bones!

     Aw screw it, I lied. That's it, man....that's all there is to this story. I sat there for 70 minutes and watched the same group of people make un-funny weed jokes, watched the same stupid sentient bong call everyone a 'muthafucker', and the same creepy perv make stupid pervy tit jokes. Everyone in this film should be ran over by a dozer. This was made by Full Moon Entertainment! Where's the horror?!? At the end of the film, we see Eebee sucked into Rabbit's 'Nothinghole' and then we realize the horror is knowing there's one more sequel..

Wednesday: It's a Clive Barker story, so it should be solid, right? RIGHT?....

They call him The Fuzz...

Wolf Cop

     An alcoholic sheriff in Podunkville, Statesota wanders into a occult seance and through means that border on 'weak', becomes a lycanthrope. Not enough info for you?....fine. A group of shape-shifters retain there longevity by drinking werewolf blood. In order to create a werewolf, you need a village idiot, another blood filled victim, and some good 'ol occult pomp and circumstance. After tying up our protagonist, carving a pentagram on his chest, they place another poor soul above him and open him up so he drips blood into our future lycanthrope law enforcement officer. So essentially, we have the coffee house equivalent of a vinte Kyoto-style werewolf brew.

     After the drunk-cop becomes aware that he's Werewolf cop, we're treated to some pretty sophisticated scenes involving ripping people to shreds, ripping head off, ripping arms off, and my personal favorite, ripping peoples faces off.

The good news is, his harelip is hardly noticeable.

     Billed as a comedy, it has its moments. The main protagonist is a bit dull and they spend little time on him, whereas his buddy through half the film steals the shows with wit alone. One interesting take on the transformation process was instead of growing hair out, they just simply had him rip his skin off to reveal fur underneath. Given this isn't one of the higher budge endeavors, I'm pretty sure this was a cheap F/X fix. In the restroom scene when we get our first full glimpse of the 'wolfing-out', I thought I saw a hairball come out of his dingly-dangly. Turns out it was just shedding his Summer coat to reveal his Winter wiener coat.

     After all the other wacky hi-jinks, our protagonist and his buddy cop are seen walking away wounded from the climatic battle in which a full half to the entire city administration has been killed and hopefully nobody asks any inconvenient questions.

This gif serves no purpose. I just like shiny sparkly things. And it reminded me of everyone's 2005 Myspace page.

Tuesday: Well, we're up to 70 minutes now...

And 12 years later....

The Corpse Grinders 3

     Not content with crapping on the American film industry, we exported this 80 minute turd to Spain so they could be just as crappy as us. Same as the first. Human based cat food turns cats into murder machines. At this point, I'm rooting for the blood thirsty cats. Ya know, it'd be really nice if they changed up the script or, oh...I don't know...wrote a new one!?! Despite the fact that we're now treated to 2 bald bumbling chuckle-heads, nothing much has changed on the script. Still making cat food out of human meat, still using a grinder big enough for a full-sized human body, and the cats are still murdering the hell out of people. Good for them. 

     Why the hell did I watch this sober? Screw it. I don't care that it's barely Sunday afternoon. I'm drinking this movie off. 

Monday: You ain't nothing but a hound dog narc...