Hard pass on this one...

 Psycho Shark

     Originally named Jaws In Japan, this film tries to be a thinking man's shark movie? Maybe? It's also a lot of fan-service cheesecake featuring some young Japanese women on vacation in Okinawa. While staying in a hotel, they're loaned a video camera by the hotel staff and proceed to take a lot of cutesy-cutesy bullshit videos of them frolicking on the beach. Eventually one of them finds a tape hidden by the rooms previous occupants and things get weird from there.

The cutesy crap becomes old real quick....

     There's a lot of intermingling of dream sequences and reality that will probably leave you scratching your head. The worst offence would be that the shark doesn't really exist and it is a metaphor for....something? A predator or serial killers maybe? The only thing for sure is that this is NOT a shark movie. But it's still better than Raiders of the Lost Shark.

Saturday: Our last contender to be a decent shark movie, should something like that exist

Who keeps giving these poeple money to make these movies?!?!

Mega Shark vs Kolosus

     While the magalons are terrorizing the oceans, Russian arms dealers find a gigantic robot in an underground lab. Mistakes are made, and it's let loose. It, much like the shark, wants to destroy everything it can. Meanwhile, a crap-ton of bad actors muck their way through this giant shark turd sandwich with Raj from What's Happening being the biggest offender.

This stupid movie just has no redeeming value and I want every character in this film to be eaten by the big shark as violently as possible. So far, it's the only thing I like about this movie. I mean....fuck, man...look at the stupid gifs.....

Friday: Japan has their say about Shark Week...

From the time before Sharknado....

Super Shark

     Does it really matter what the storyline is? Bla-bla-bla underwater oil drilling bla-bla-bla toxic exposure to chemicals bla-bla-bla shark eats people bla-bla-bla holy shit, is that Jimmy Walker? bla-bla-bla some bullshit about hydrolyzing agent bla-bla-bla shark hates radio waves, bla-bla-bla what the fuck is John Schneider doing in this piece of crap?

     That should about cover it. A stupid movie about sharks that paved the way for comically fun/bad movies named "Sharknado".

The pain is real and the worst is yet to come...

Thursday: Which is dumber? Giant shark or giant robot?

This movie is a great way to start hating shark movies...

Shark Exorcist

     One pissed off & stabby nun denounces God, and hails Satan after punching someone in the gut...with a knife. She asks Big Daddy Satan to possess a shark (not my first pick) and as expected, it starts murdering the hell out of everybody. There sadly really isn't much more to tell. The movie title is cooler than the movie.

     I think this is why I liked the Sharknado movies so much. They took a stupid idea and didn't hold back. Every wacky idea that spilled out of that ganja-haze filled writing room was used and not just half assed, they cranked that up to 11. This? This could have been a funny, over the top wacky killer shark movie but instead it became a sputtering wet fart that mercifully ends after 71 minutes. That's right, they took a page out of the Evil Bong playbook and gave us an hour and ten minute time waster.

Wednesday: Not one life saved by this shark....

Ohio Johnson and the Kinda Spooky Lake of Doooom...

Raiders of The Lost Shark

"Misleading movie poster" is an understatement.

     Let me first begin by immediately dismissing the title as it has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with this 'story'. This is a story about a lab shark that got loose and kills Canadians hanging out by a lake. At some point the shark learns to fly and....kills more people from a slightly higher elevation. People said words, did some things, died....

You're going to die.

You die too. Nobody liked you.

You die as well. I was happy when you died.

     THIS! This is what happens when you raid the local community theater for 'actors' and try to put a movie together with inheritance money you got when granny died. THIS is why owning an iPhone does NOT make you a cameraman. THIS is why I question the sanity of Canadas population in its entirety. THIS is why I read books to keep the mind-rot away. If I didn't do that and just watched trash like this all the time, my brain would be a useless pile of gelatinous mush slowly oozing out of my ears.

Tuesday: Shark Week continues!!!.... with another piece of crap....

Friends don't let friends make bad shark movies....

House Shark

     It's a nearly 2 hour movie about a shark that preys on the inhabitants of a suburban house. Try not to over think that.

These two idiots...

     No really, just let it go. It's a silly movie with some very limited humor. You might want to surf the 'net while watching it. In fact, I encourage it.

...are fighting this 'shark' and LOSING!!!

    No really...it doesn't' get any deeper than that. The shark has a laser gun! Just thinking about that will kill braincells so save yourself and just don't worry about the plot or realism. It's like the Land Shark skits on Saturday Night Live...but those were better. Way better.

Monday: Spielberg and Lucas's forbidden Canadian love child....