Dar Does L.A.

Beastmaster II: Through The Portal of Time
1991

Oh my god this was so awful! I've literally played the ending four times and still haven't managed to sit through it...

This is one of those sequels that just completely drops characters from the previous film with nary an explanation or nod. Hell, it even had entirely new animals (though some inexplicably had the same names as the first round). It starts with a narrative about some crazy dude taking over after King Zed's death.Dar's half-brother, Tal, and Tal's bodyguard, Seth are totally MIA - as is Dar's cousin/lover, Kiri. But apparently, Dar had an older (presumably) half-brother, the mad Arklon (who is now in charge).

On a romp through the swamp, a bog witch tells Dar that he's not Zed's first born. Zed had another son that was taken from him earlier, and she knows this because she's actually Zed's sister...who is now an uglier version of Swamp Thing due to messing with dark magic. What have we learned from this? Never let Zed babysit your children - or breed with him, for that matter.

Here's the weird thing: Between the opening narrative and swamp family reunion, Dar is actually captured by Arklon's minions. They meet face to face and Arklon clearly knows he's The Beastmaster...which would lead one to believe that he also knows how he came to be in said predicament...yet he doesn't recognize him as his brother until Dar shows him the brand on his hand about some time after the swamp romp. But wait...there's more: Arklon ALSO has a brand. Sooooo...

I don't know why I expect these farces to follow any kind of logic. I guess because Marc Singer was looking a little too blond-Ted Nugent-y for my taste, this go 'round, I had no choice but to focus on the plot. Ah yes, the plot: some self-promoting sorceress discovers a "time portal" into LA and seeks to use it as a dowry-path to queendom. Arklon looks like demented beaver and throws tantrums that would shame Val Kilmer. He's also really into codpieces, shoulder-enhancements, and sports a Phantom of the Opera half-mask, but I guess a throne is a throne.

Anyway, the witch convinces Arklon that she can help him get a nuke from the portal and they can rule what's left of humanity together. Sort of. Along the way, some crazy daughter of a senator gets pulled through. She helps Dar - who has suddenly because a crazed simpleton loner barely capable of speech - save the world. I guess. I'm not watching the last 15 minutes again. I can't. The mere fact that they insisted on calling what was CLEARLY a dimensional portal, a "time" portal was just too insulting, to say nothing of the random coincidences that drove the plot.

Dragons don't time-travel, bro!

In the Name of the King 2: Two Worlds

"My sword has people with swords on it!"

     So Uwe's back with another crapfest, this time starring Dolph Lundgren. I like Dolph for his “I can star in a cinematic classic or low budget B-movie turd. I don't really care” attitude. It's refreshing. The first film had a budget of $60+ million. This has a budget of around $4.5mil. This means that Uwe is back in familiar territory.

     The movie starts out in modern times, with Dolph working as a self defense teacher. After a long day of not teaching his students much, he heads home to draw a bath and soak his aching war weary bones. Sadly, before he has the chance he's ambushed & subsequently sucked into a time warp to the past. There he meets a greasy king wearing a terrible wig telling him of prophecy's and similar nonsense. The point is, Dolph has to kill a lot of people for the king and he seems OK with that. He meets new people, they try to kill him. He kills some more people and there's a dragon. Yes, you read that right: A real dragon in the medieval times. A giant gaping plot hole that Uwe is famous for. Anyhoo, in the end he is transported back to his own time and kills the hygiene deprived king in his own bathtub. And that's' it. Thin as hell, but I've come to expect this out of Mr. Boll's cinematic mulligans. Truth be told, however, this wasn't as bad as the first one. For one, you could understand and hear everything coming out of Dolph's mouth. In the first film, I had trouble hearing Statham and eventually just assumed he was grunting his way through the movie. After all, if his dialog was that good, he'd have spoken up, right? Predictable acting from Dolph and let's be honest: he's not that great, but he is tolerable. Most everyone in the film did a better job than him, but fuck them because he's Dolph Lundgren.

One more to go. This might not hurt as bad as the Puppet Master movies....

A Dungeon Siege Joint

In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Blahblahbbbbblaaaa.

     There isn't much meat to this one, so here's the short of it: Tough BritEnglish guy Jason Statham goes on a murder rampage after orcs or trolls kill his youngest son, maybe his wife, and a crap-ton of other villagers. OK, now that we've got that out of the way, let's look at something amazing: The cast.

John Rhy-sDavies

Ron Pearlman

Matthew Lillard

BURT REYNOLDS?!?

Ray Liotta

     Wow, that's quite the baked potato there. So with that well rounded cast, why does this movie REEK of a French sewer? A weak plot I can over-look, but the acting is...well, there's just something odd about it. John Rhys-Davies? Sliders and 2 boss Indiana Jones movies. Ron Pearlman? Hellboy & Sons of Anarchy. Matthew Lillard? The Bridge and...um...Scooby Doo. Ray Liotta? Goodfellas! And Burt Reynolds? EVERYTHING HE'S EVER TOUCHED....all but this film, that is. They can all act! We've seen it many times and we have a reasonable expectation of quality from them. So why is this so 'off'? Why does it seems so awkward and un-rehearsed? Oh Jesus tap-dancing Christ, I see it now. It's right there in the credits. One name sums it up:

Uwe Boll

     This man has made a career of destroying fond memories of classic video-games by producing them into movies. Movies that make Troma films look like finely assembled masterpieces. Movies so bad that part of his typical press release is in DEFENSE of the terrible film he's about to unleash upon us. 90% of them are direct to video and have a budget that made Roger Corman say 'DAMN! You can make a movie that bad for that cheap?!?” Oh, and his response to the critics? He challenged his harshest critics to a 10 round boxing match, some of which agreed to it and not surprisingly lost. The man is demented and a terrible director and the entire world knows it, but somehow, they keep giving him money to make more shitty movies! And this one is the biggest of them all. $60 million dollars, this is the most expensive turd to receive his polish job and it failed so bad that he received the “Worst Career Achievement” from The Golden Raspberry Awards. And the box office take? $10 million WORLD WIDE for this 2 hour wank-fest. But alas, the worst is yet to come...

                                                                         ...for he's made 2 sequels....

Jareth is a bit of a pedo

Labyrinth

     Let's be honest. If you saw this in the '80s, you probably have fond memories of it. And rightfully so! It was made back when F/X was done by hand, and Jim Henson was still alive. Jennifer Connelly's girl-next-door looks were still a couple of years away from maturing (as well as her acting), and David Bowie could still chew up any scene regardless of dialog or story content. 'Tis a proper '80s fantasy movie if there ever was one....

    However, this is REALLY a story about how a spoiled little snowflake had one too many temper tantrums and got the smack-down. Sure, her adventure teaches her to grow up a little and not take things for granted, but that's the subtext of the story and I got that in the first 10 minutes. For me, the imagery, imagination, set design, and Bowie's hair garner for more attention. That was the genius of Henson and all his collaborators. They possessed a level of imagination you just don't see in CGI. While it's true that most CGI is visually pleasing, it's also hollow, overly clean, and lacking in depth. The art is pointless if it's shallow and soulless. 

Nobody EVER dresses properly in these films...

Hercules Against The Moon Men

THIS. IS. HERC-TOWN!!!!

     I had nearly a full page written up, but I accidently deleted it so to hell with writing it all again. This is a 'Herc" from 1964 and he battles Moon Men while having a constant sheen of body oil and an annoying smirk on his smug mug. Fuck him. He spends the movie running around in a super miniskirt like a damn promiscuous tart. Seriously, the womens skirts are longer!!! You're the son of Zeus! Show some damn dignity!

The love child of Iced Earth and Slayer

Knights of Badassdome

     Well, it's not REALLY a fantasy movie, but it deals with spells, wizards, demons, and heavy metal music. And a bong. There's also a midget (or little person--whatever the hell they want to be called) that tries to steal the movie, and nearly does.

     What we have here is a collection of uber-geeks at a LARP convention/camp-out. Ryan Kwanten, the poor mans Heath Ledger, is drug to said group outing after a bad breakup with his girlfriend. While dinking around in the woods, they do a seance and unknowingly release a demon that just happens to look like his ex AND is hunting him down (OK, maybe there's just a smidge of fantasy). After some brutal killings, the demon is transformed into a much dorkier version and just flipping annihilates the entire LARPer camp in the most brutal ways imaginable. And how did they defeat the Worlds Lamest Demon that Looks Like A Krite on 'Roids? A fucking rock video. A cheesy 'metal' song & dance number that just reeks of bad movie cheese. It was a wince worthy affair that stained a rather decent movie to watch.

This is a great geek movie, but one complaint is the main characters are too photogenic to be believable as uber-nerds. I only saw a handful of neck-beards and most of the women were just cast because they looked aesthetically pleasing in the medieval clothing. Typical, really.

Marc Singer in a Loincloth...with some animals

The Beastmaster
1982


Marc Singer in a loincloth. Do you really need a review?

Okay, fine:

King Zed busts some heathen hoedown and kicks High Priest Maax out of town, but not before the priest makes a gruesome threat. Check out the eyebrows on Maax. It's like he's from Planet Vulcan's savage years.Anywho, Maax's minions make good on at least part of his threat and the unborn heir is smuggled out of town in the womb of a cow. Fortunately, he's rescued from death by some guy.

Fast forward about two decades and Dar is a deliciously chiseled young buck in a land that hasn't discovered pants. Oh and he can talk to animals. He's friends with a hawk (who worshiped by creepy bat-like things), two thieving ferrets and a dirty tiger. he tried to use the last one to get at a different kind of cat but isn't very successful.

While following Kiri, the Slave Girl, he runs into King Zed's other son and the boy's guardian. Turns out Kiri is the boy's cousin and all set out to rescue her from...Maax. Lightning Brows in now sporting two pigtails with skull barrettes and still barbequing kids for God. If I'm not mistaken, I thought one of the charcters said he forces the people to breed so that he can take their kids. I never realized what a pedophile priest vibe particular plot line had.

Anyway, they rescue Kiri and King Zed - who's still alive but blinded like Oedipus - but the celebration is short lived because Zed wants revenge on Maax. He doesn't know Dar is his son and so, calls him an animal-whispering freak. You get to see Dar cry.

Aw. Don't cry Dar. You're sensitive and you like cats. That's almost better than a black card with chicks. 

Of course the revenge plot fails and Dar rides to the rescue. Lots of muscle flexing, animal antics and side-rear shots later, Dar wins the day...and Kiri. See, told you sensitive guys always scoreYea!

Wait...

Isn't she his cousin?