I'm Baaack...with reasons to stay away from the beach.

Humanoids from the Deep
1980


First, sorry. Clearly the time-stamping just wasn't doable. Staying on top of my grad school stuff (and my FT job and two home businesses) is brutal, but I'm neglecting this commitment that I made to you. It seems like every year I'm gung-ho to do this...until it actually starts.

Anywho...

Shaggy monster title for a film about fish creatures? Makes sense.

I can literally sum this entire movie up in one sentence:

Prehistoric fish munch on some bad salmon and mutate into C.H.U.D.s from the deep who like to eat dogs and rape nubile young White women living in a coastal town with no Blacks and one Indian.

Seriously, that's like the WHOLE movie. These creatures were totally laughable but the thought of being pawed by one was actually gross. Apparently the fish have learned a few positions, too, and are really into an after-sex seaweed wrap. I've never been happier to be a Black woman from the city.

Gestation: complete.

This movie contains the second "birth" of this season, mimicking Alien but just not as horrifying. Yawn. This was made in the 80s, so there were plenty of natural breasts and at least one trimmed bush shot. And of course, the fish were naked, but who knows what you were seeing with that.

You can't hug with nuclear arms...but you CAN wake up long dormant prehistoric reptiles!

     Sequels. Both the bane and blessing of film making. They offer us a chance to reacquaint ourselves with a character or story that we really enjoyed. However, rarely are they about furthering a storyline or deeper character development. Most times they're about money and they'll do anything they can to get you to plunk down some hard earned cash. A hastily slapped together project that probably doesn't offer much to forward the character and usually the budget is halved so it looks cheap and half-assed. Yet, when you're granted a sequel, it's as though you've graduated to a legacy rather than a one hit wonder. You're now a franchise and if you give just enough fan-service, you'll continue down that road for a very long time. And on November 3^rd, it will be the 60^th anniversary of one character that the entire world knows and loves regardless if they're willing to admit it. For over half a century, this guy has shown up in every one of those six decades AS A HEADLINER! No cameos for this guy. Over his entire career, he's given us mixed signals as to his true nature. Sometimes he's a villain, sometimes he's the hero. One thing is for sure, his presence in a film is ALWAYS known. And who is our mystery man?

Godzilla Raids Again

     Big Daddy Atomic Lizard is the last film in our Japanese film week. And you had to see that coming. What's more Nippon than Godzilla? And tonight I'm celebrating his 60th anniversary with his first sequel.  This was the go-ahead film that, to date, has has spawned about 28 films over 60 years. This is also the first film where he fought another giant monster, Anguirus. That's right. It wasn't Rodan, it wasn't Mothra, Mechazilla, King Ghidorah, or any of the countless other foes of  'Zilla. It was Angy, the spikey pre-historic love child of a turtle, lizard, and cactus.

I'm not breaking down the film much more than this: They're first appearance in this film is when they're in mid-fight. Nothing much more is known as to why they hate each other sooo much.  Simply put, this movie is about that fight, or rather how it spills over into Osaka. In later films, they're allies. So with many of 'Zillas foes, there is apparently enough shared respect that they'll drop the petty drama and help in a fight for the planet. And sometimes, visuals work best to tell the story...

This is Godzilla

This is Anguirus.

...and this is Godzilla and Anguirus fighting

And that concludes a full week of horror films from Japan. Most of them insanely over the top and ultra violent. I realize that I have a limited knowledge of their culture, but nothing explains the sheer madness in these films. It's not even otaku fan service. It's just bizarre.

Next up, our final week of films for 2014.

we

Terror in the Karaoke Aisles...er....booths. Or maybe it was a stage.

Karaoke Terror

     What the shit? A NORMAL movie? No outlandish gore? No endless bloody showers? No insane body modding or outrageous decapitation?....huh...seems so boring now. This film is less of a horror film and more of a drama. Oh, don't get me wrong, it has a bloody element to it, but it's more murder/revenge.

     Here's a film about a group of single Nippon MILFs that love getting together for a karaoke session. When one is murdered for turning down a chance get her world rocked by some young shit-bag, they get revenge and stone cold murder his ass by scooter jousting.

That's urine. He was peeing at the time. You're welcome.

 It should be noted that despite this film's relatively down-to-earth plot, it's still 100% Japanese. Afterwards, his group of friends kills the killer that killed. See a trend starting? The rest of the movie is a slow and methodical build up to the conclusion which is a bit, here's the phrase again, over-the-top. 

Here's how the men dressed....

This is billed as a dark comedy, but it just had a stronger feeling of social examination. But that's the problem. This wasn't a horror film and was very clearly my annual mulligan (see Day of the Dolphin from 2012's list). Oddly, I was engaged throughout the movie. It was very well directed, the actors were top notch, and gave some interesting insight to the divorced female career women of Japan and how that culture views them.

...and here's how the women dressed. Stark contrast, no?

Best watched on a lazy Saturday afternoon when you don't want to watch the all-day Shawshank Redemption marathon on FX/TBS/Spike/WGN/USA/AMC.

Saturday: An old friend helps bring the conclusion to J-Pan movie week...

To Live and Die (mostly die) in Tokyo

Tokyo Gore Police

Considered one of the big daddy Japanese gore movies, this lives up to it's name.

     Ruka is a born killer when it comes to dispensing with the “Engineers”, a group of virally mutated humans that sprout weird weapons from every orifice. That's her job with the Engineer Hunters. They're a SWAT-like team of assassins that are, you're never going to believe this, rather violent in their methods. Ruka is also trying to find her fathers killer, who assassinated him when she was young. So, yeah, a pretty strong side story, right? Oh just humor me, these things make little sense.

     Most of the storyline is about a man called The Key Man, and he's the one that created the virus. Her main mission is to hunt him down and kill him. However, after meeting him in his house, and getting a fat dose of truth about her father's assassin, she chops him in half. Turns out, his father was the assassin, and he was ALSO killed shortly after that! Dick move, bro! From there on, it's a total bloodbath as the Hunters go on a killing spree, offing everyone that has the 'virus', usually in the most disturbingly violent ways possible. Also, somewhere along the way, Ruka is infected with the virus and she starts popping out weird appendages and a snapping dragon hand (?). Does it really matter at this point? Does any of this ever make sense to the Western world? Nope. It never will and that's why we're drawn towards it, even it if overloads us. Towards the end, there's a boss fight and guess who wins? Yup. Naturally, the end sets us up for a sequel but this was released in 2008, and as of 2014, nothing's happened yet. So for now, indy film houses will just have to settle for replays of this weird as fuck movie. Oh, you want to see what makes it weird? Fine:

Yes, that's his weiner. It shoots stuff. No more detail needed.

Aaaannd:

Fuck it. No comment.

Friday: One more freakshow before some sanity!

Just put reality off to the side for now....

Vampire Girl Vs. Frankenstein Girl.

4^th movie in a row with over half the cast in school girl uniforms, and for once this one actually takes place in a school!

     OK, I'll be brief with this one because these are getting more and more ridiculous. I may have made a mistake putting these mid month. I might have been better off putting them in the last week since I'm already worn out from watching them. And it's only Wednesday.

     What we have here is as advertised. A a new student named Monami, who just happens to be a vampire, transfers to a new school and converts the first boy she thinks is cute. He has another woman interested in him, Kieko, and she seeks to sabotage the budding, if not forced, relationship between the two. Tempers flare and Kieko falls off the top of a building because high heels don't have brakes. Naturally, she dies but all is not lost. Here's where the other 50% of the film's title comes into play. She's resembled from the best parts of her classmates (and one teacher) by her father, a Kabuki Cop wannabe nut-ball that's really not good at Frankensteining. Regardless, he's successful and there's a big 'ol boss fight at Tokyo Tower. Monami is the winner by shredding Kieko's flesh from the bone with her own blood (ala sandblasting).

That's the short of the long. It was on par with the others in regards to outlandish gore, but this was a lot lighter in mood than the others. I actually liked this film. Here's some more highlights!

Endless blood shower in the first 2 minutes, as well as the first decapitation!

There's a horribly racist group in this film that's called the Super Dark Club. It's called ganguro, but let's be truthful and call by what it's portrayed as in this film: Blackface. Because apparently everyone on Japan still thinks African Americans look like Mr. Popo. Every stereotype is laid out there and I'm split on what the intentions were. Were they being silly or just ignorant? Either way, it's a bad idea. But still.....

More endless blood showers!

Wrist Cutter Club!

I downloaded too many pictures!!!!

...which means more damn blood showers....

Helicopter made out of discarded limbs!

Screw this, I'm going to bed.

Thursday: The TGP is so OMG...

In the Zombie Future, there are no pants....

Chanbara Beauty: Vortex The Movie

    At least I think that's the proper order of the title. It's not always as clear as you'd think. It also went by OneChanbara: Bikini Zombie Slayers. And it's actually a sequel on top of that. How does this movie differ from the rest? Not much, really. Same school girl outfits, same over the top bloody violence, same weirdness, same kick-ass heroines that have amazing fighting skill despite still being in high school (evidently), and more zombies.

"This is what I wear throughout this entire movie. I don't wear pants. I might be a little skanky"

     And I guess that's the plot. Young women run around killing zombies in a post apocalyptic world where clothing is scarce (apparently) but there's always a techno-pop score in the background. There's a lot of drama but it doesn't tie into the story very well. That's mostly because there really isn't a story. It might have something to do with this film being based on a video game. And everyone knows that video games make the best movies, right? RIGHT? Oh sure, there's a back-story involving harvesting special blood and becoming immortal, but it's not written for anyone to care about. It's time filler till the next bloody bikini sword battle.

Honestly, this was terrible, but far better, and far less insane than Sunday and Monday's features. No damn tentacles or parasites. Just zombie chopping and a lot of typical nonsense but with better editing.

Wednesday: So...why do all the men a bunch of sissy's in these films?

WTF, Japan? Seriously, W T F?!?

Zombie Ass : Toilet of the Dead

     It's odd. As I was doing some minor research for this movie, I found a lot of commentors didn't think it was a real movie after seeing the movie poster. They thought it was a joke or maybe some strange fetish cos-play. Jokes on them, I guess, because the movie is real, and I really watched it. Nothing, and I mean NOTHING will prepare you for this film. I've seen a lot of messed up stuff, but nothing even close to this madness. I thought I was, but I was wrong. And your reading this from a guy that sat through both Human Centipede movies.

    We have 5 dumb-ass people head to the outdoors for some reason. One of the idiots catches a fish and starts to dress it. He finds an unusually large parasite in it and one of the female idiots grabs it and eats it. Why? She willingly ate a parasite from a fish in order to stay skinny. After a while, she her gut starts churning and heads to the loo to release the demon. She starts farting, and apparently that attracts a zombie horde also suffering from the parasites.

      Jesus fuck all, did a 12 year old write this? Well, that's the primer. The rest of the story continues down BatShit Insane Blvd and conjurors all sorts twisted and disfiguring visuals that I'm failing to put into words...

.....then at some point you just give up. You're watching the main protagonist, Megumi, fight the parasite queen mid-air while using flatulence as her propulsion and a parasitic tentacle as a weapon. Did I mention the tentacle is coming out of her ass? Well it is. And that's this entire movie in a nutshell. When you think you've seen it all, oh hell no, here's a tentacle parasite with a brain sticking out the top of it's head...though it looks more like an inverted scrotum. 

    Screw this. I'm done for the night. I can't possibly add anymore to this because I've had a full sensory overload.

Tuesday: I can do this...only a couple more days to hold out. I made a commitment to see these films. I sat through 10 (!) Puppet Master movies. My mind can take it. Fear is the mind killer......

Half Gun, Half School Girl, All Murder Machine.

Oh Japan, you never cease to amaze me. In a culture filled with honor, brutality, and panty vending machines, it shouldn't be a surprise to see hyper-violent movies bleed from your society. Actually, in many scenes it sprays like a fire hose. To be honest, I've put off seeing these insane movies for a very long time. But now, I think I've reached the logical conclusion and for the next week, this is what I'm doing. Welcome to J-pan. It's about to get freaky....

The Machine Girl

"Eyes up here, Fanboy."

     Yu is being bullied by the son of a yakuza/ninja clan. He can't come up with some money, so he and his friend are pushed to their deaths and police rule it as a suicide. His sister, Ami, takes exception to this and starts digging around. And when I mean digging around, I mean she sticks knives in people and 'digs around'. Once her revenge-spree starts, she's on a rampage, butchering the shit out of anyone and everyone until she's captured by the Yak-Ninja clan. There, sadly, she loses part of an arm. But that's a good thing because it opens the door for a major plot point.

    

With a gun like that,  you don't really need to be a good aim. Just spray and pray. Here's proof:

  

     From here on out, the movie is insanely violent, bloody, and gooooooory. The plot is really fluffy revenge and trust me, you're not watching it for a convincing story.  You're going to watch this because it's over the top violence. Every scene where someone dies is guaranteed to be horrible and full of blood spraying EVERYWHERE. People are sawed in half (vertically!), nails drove in to heads, above you see a mans skull ripped of it's flesh by a chaingun....the list goes on and on. But I save the best for last:

The Drill Bra. No, really. That's it's name.

Monday: J-Pan Day #2--->>>It's gonna get smelly....

Sunday Double Header

Frogs

How was this considered scary?

     A very young Sam Elliot and Joan Van Ark star in a movie about the environment getting all bent out of shape because of the pollution and senseless hunting. As the title implies, the frogs, as well as countless other reptiles, all band together to become eco-terrorists. Actually, the frogs appear to be the ringleaders or the brains behind the operation. You never see them actually kill anyone as most of the dirty work is done by snakes, lizards, and tarantulas.

     The death scenes are just damn silly. When someone is killed and someone, usually Mr. Elliot, finds the body, it's covered in little lizards, snakes, and spiders. It looks like someone got a little crazy with the sprinkles on their murder cupcake. One by one, they're all taken down in various manners that just aren't scary. The snapping turtle incident being the worst. Stewie Griffin once called the turtle 'Natures D student' and here we're being conned into believing that the turtle killed a lady stuck in mud. Of course it's not shown, so it's just simply implied.

Seriously? You're only ankle deep!.....Lady, you've probably had this coming for a long time.

       Eventually, the 2 hawtest people in the movie escape (along with some kids they now own) and make there way to safety...sort of. Turns out this terrorism was a little more wide spread. The only cool thing (and I do mean the ONLY cool thing) that we're treated to is an animated frog with a hand in it's mouth, post credits.

Sunday Pt. 2: Japan Week!