Swamp Thing
(1982)
I remember this being a much better movie than it was. I can buy the formula transforming him, considering what went down, but the later explain of the formula enhancing your inner being was just preposterous even for the 80s. I mean the Doc Holland was working on binding planet and animal cells. How do you get a human opossum out of that?
The politician out for his own gain, throwing a party full of sycophants and prostitutes was spot on, though. The party provided extra nudity. In typical 80s fashion you got to see some naked, natural breastseses. So far I have not been able to score another full-frontal male shot since Basket Case - and I'd rather forget that. Damn it...too late.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
I'm sure the working title was "Officer Shortsighted"
The Crater Lake Monster
What does a meteor, a prehistoric water monster, and a cop with bitchin' cop glasses have in common? Not a damn thing, but there they are, on my tv, fighting it out in the pacific northwest.
First off, the sheriff has the wicked shades that most airline pilots would sell their mothers for. Yeah, he's hot. Boney, balding, and sporting a mullet.
Next up is the monster. He/she looks like the bastard child of a seahorse and a seal complete with flippers. Oh, he's supposed to be prehistoric, but I'm not buying it. The best part about him/she/it? It was a lovely stop motion monster that was completely out of place.. This movie was made in 1977, and they're using f/x from a 1958 Sinbad movie. I'm going to spoil it for you, he/Madonna/it dies in the end. I won't bother with the rest of the detail, but know this: had this been made in 1958, in black and white, I'd prolly have loved it. As it is, it's a B-grade late '70s turd that didn't even pique my trash movie interest.
What does a meteor, a prehistoric water monster, and a cop with bitchin' cop glasses have in common? Not a damn thing, but there they are, on my tv, fighting it out in the pacific northwest.
First off, the sheriff has the wicked shades that most airline pilots would sell their mothers for. Yeah, he's hot. Boney, balding, and sporting a mullet.
Next up is the monster. He/she looks like the bastard child of a seahorse and a seal complete with flippers. Oh, he's supposed to be prehistoric, but I'm not buying it. The best part about him/she/it? It was a lovely stop motion monster that was completely out of place.. This movie was made in 1977, and they're using f/x from a 1958 Sinbad movie. I'm going to spoil it for you, he/Madonna/it dies in the end. I won't bother with the rest of the detail, but know this: had this been made in 1958, in black and white, I'd prolly have loved it. As it is, it's a B-grade late '70s turd that didn't even pique my trash movie interest.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Clearly, I'm content with watching crap
Revenge Of the Living Dead Girls (1987)
"Shocking Beyond Belief'' is the tag line, and oh god damn it, another French Piece of shit. I thought this would be a campy Troma-like movie, but no, this is just some Euro-trash excuse to show titties and blood on the same screen. Why, yes, there is indeed full frontal nudity on the lady-folk, but they're just a bunch of boney French tarts who don't even have the slightest idea how to act.
And the story? In short, three dead girls come back from the dead via some sort of chemical spill. It's never really made clear what their motives are after that point. They go on a killing/nudity spree, and here's the part where I loose my mind: The living dead girls have the faces and hands of a zombie leper, but for some strange hormonal reason....their bodies are just as nubile as the day they were embalmed. Yeah, wrap your head around that nugget. Thankfully, the cinematic torture ends at 76 minutes. This may have been the theatrical equivalent of water boarding.
"Shocking Beyond Belief'' is the tag line, and oh god damn it, another French Piece of shit. I thought this would be a campy Troma-like movie, but no, this is just some Euro-trash excuse to show titties and blood on the same screen. Why, yes, there is indeed full frontal nudity on the lady-folk, but they're just a bunch of boney French tarts who don't even have the slightest idea how to act.
And the story? In short, three dead girls come back from the dead via some sort of chemical spill. It's never really made clear what their motives are after that point. They go on a killing/nudity spree, and here's the part where I loose my mind: The living dead girls have the faces and hands of a zombie leper, but for some strange hormonal reason....their bodies are just as nubile as the day they were embalmed. Yeah, wrap your head around that nugget. Thankfully, the cinematic torture ends at 76 minutes. This may have been the theatrical equivalent of water boarding.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
The Library Is Closed
From A Whisper To A Scream
(1987)
On the eve of his niece's execution, a librarian (Vincent Price) tells a nosy reporter four grisly tales about the town they live in. It's his belief that living in Oldfield, Tennessee is what drove his niece to kill. I love Vincent Price but I've honestly forgotten most of what I just saw. The first tale, about the consequences of obsession and necrophilia, kind of reminded me of a really gruesome interpretation of Ray Bradbury's "The Eyrie." The second I think was one about a man who finds out greed and voodoo don't mix. One was about carnies and I didn't feel sorry for anyone it in because you're an idiot for going to a show called "Lovecraft's Traveling Amusements." The last one was about some war babies that would put the Children of the Corn to shame.
The opening scene was really the best because it set the tone of the movie as creepy and steeped in some kind of slow brewing mania. Also, the wedding dress represents both the promise of a new life and innocence, and the eventual loss of innocence (because you know the gown is meant to come off). After that it was mediocre - and doing two stories about voodoo was unnecessary and kind of unimaginative.
On to the nudity: Stanley (the guy in the first tale) has a crazy sister who's seriously trying to give him the box. She's really the only full-on consistent nudity you get and I was surprised to see that she looked shaved. I didn't think women were doing that back then. Well, I guess it was the late 80s. Shag carpeting went out in the 70s and by the 90s it was all about smooth flooring. Funny, how those things relate.
(1987)
On the eve of his niece's execution, a librarian (Vincent Price) tells a nosy reporter four grisly tales about the town they live in. It's his belief that living in Oldfield, Tennessee is what drove his niece to kill. I love Vincent Price but I've honestly forgotten most of what I just saw. The first tale, about the consequences of obsession and necrophilia, kind of reminded me of a really gruesome interpretation of Ray Bradbury's "The Eyrie." The second I think was one about a man who finds out greed and voodoo don't mix. One was about carnies and I didn't feel sorry for anyone it in because you're an idiot for going to a show called "Lovecraft's Traveling Amusements." The last one was about some war babies that would put the Children of the Corn to shame.
The opening scene was really the best because it set the tone of the movie as creepy and steeped in some kind of slow brewing mania. Also, the wedding dress represents both the promise of a new life and innocence, and the eventual loss of innocence (because you know the gown is meant to come off). After that it was mediocre - and doing two stories about voodoo was unnecessary and kind of unimaginative.
On to the nudity: Stanley (the guy in the first tale) has a crazy sister who's seriously trying to give him the box. She's really the only full-on consistent nudity you get and I was surprised to see that she looked shaved. I didn't think women were doing that back then. Well, I guess it was the late 80s. Shag carpeting went out in the 70s and by the 90s it was all about smooth flooring. Funny, how those things relate.
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