29 years in the making...

The Corpse Grinders 2

I can assure you, NOBODY was waiting for this sequel.

     Not content with having made one terrible movie, 29 years later they decided to make a movie twice as bad. It looks like they filmed it on a camcorder in peoples basements and living rooms.

     Whew...OK, here we go: A race of cat-people escape their war-torn planet to help themselves to Earths resources. Meanwhile, two chuckle-heads (Landau and Maltby) are starting to revive a cat food plant, complete with grinder because the only way you can make cat food is with a grinder just large enough to stuff whole bodies in. And naturally, they start paying Caleb and Cleo to dig them up. Yeah, by the way, they reused all the main character names from the first film: Maltby, Landau, Caleb, Cleo, and Dr. Howard Glass. Considering this isn't a reboot, it's puzzling why they would do that. And in fact, aside from the stupid alien cat-people subplot, this movie is very much like the original despite completely falling apart at the end. Really, I think the artistic license they took was nothing more than throwing darts on a dartboard filled with random subplots.

Cat people. Yeah, I've got nothing on this.

     Yes the film is terrible. But what I love about it is the work everyone put in. They had little for resources, a budget smaller than that crap-fest I watched last year staring Cory Feldman, and I'm pretty sure every actor was from the local community theater. Yet somehow, they belted out a movie for an hour and 45 minutes. However, despite my somewhat upbeat attitude about this film, bring some caffeine with you because it's a slow burn to the end.

Sunday: Scraping the bottom of the barrel one more time....

This is what happens when you recruit from the local dinner theater.

The Corpse Grinders

     A failing pet food company has resorted to buying corpses for processing into food for your furry critters. Once the human-tainted meat hits the open market, cats go ape-shit for the sweet yummy flesh of humans. That's right...Mr. Fluffy-bottoms is going to feast on your flesh the second you look the other way. A veterinarian and his assistant start to get suspicious and investigate as the plot thickens. Well, 'thicken' is a terrible description. Fester might be a better word. This is a grade B- snooze-fest that will put you to sleep and it's OK if you do. 45 minutes into it, and compulsion was the only thing keeping me awake.

     Not much of a horror film, but I did have one intriguing thought: They throw the bodies right into the grinder. No gutting, deboning, or shaving/skinning. It's a wonder those cats didn't choke on a chunk of fibula. Predictably, the acting is ham-fisted like a porno, but without the sex, and in the end, all it did was irritate my cat.

Murder Machine

     Unless you're on a mission to watch ever bad movie ever made, don't bother with this 'not-horror' film. The real horror of this film?

....Is knowing there's 2 sequels.

Saturday: It took almost 30 years for someone to revisit this dumpster fire...

I really hate this family...

Halloween 2 (2009)

     To say Laurie Strode is disturbed would be a gigantic understatement. The movie starts with her wandering the streets after an extremely traumatic situation. She's ushered to the hospital where we're treated to emergency services going over her body that's just been ravaged. The 'dead' body of Michael dumped in a van, and off to the morgue it goes. Predictably, Michael is not dead, the van hits a cow, and guess who's running around the countryside chopping people up. Somehow he has no problem finding Laurie in the hospital. Like, in under 15 minutes. Naturally he butchers the shit out of all the nurses as Laurie escapes. After spending 26 minutes running, screaming, seeing another security guard butchered....ooop...ha-ha, fuck you. It's a dream. Laurie wakes up screaming because she's had a massive nightmare.

     Oh look, Michael really IS still alive and starts stabbing the fuck out of everything. Because that's really all this movie is. Chopping up people, spraying blood everywhere. I guess he really DID survive that van wreck.What made him bulletproof? Was he bitten by a spider or some shit? Yes, there was a transition scene featuring a white horse and his dead mother spirit, but I dismissed it because it seemed hoaky.  Michael is shown having visions of his dead family, and in his mind, he's trying to put everyone together. So it appears he wants to kill Laurie so they can all be a family again. He also cuts up a dog and eats its raw innards. And since this has become a family movie, it should be noted that Laurie is also starting to crack into psychosis.

One word: Cardio.

     One question, however: Why did they make Dr. Loomis such an insufferable prick? He was a man of integrity, but they've made him to be a complete asshole who's only interested in chasing money. It makes very little sense and robbed McDowell of the opportunity to expand Loomis in a much deeper character. He's built up to be brought down in a violent way and it seemed so far from his character. There might have been a slight hint in prior film, but this was an extreme flip. It was a wasted opportunity, I feel.

     Without a doubt, there's a lot of horror in this film. Very disturbing scenes that work. No, it won't give you nightmares, but there will be times when you look at the screen and go 'fuuuuuu....'. HOWEVER...you might find yourself becoming desensitized to all the blood drenched scenes. It becomes tiresome but I have to say the best moments are those long 'God-pauses' Michael takes right before stabbing the shit out of whom ever is in front of him, or just happens to be in the same room.

Cast notes

Howard Hessman?

Margot Kidder

Weird Al?!? (Actually, it makes sense when you see it)

So there it is. I've watched every Halloween movie as of 2017. As I've said before, this franchise has been all over the place, and has also had its ups and downs (mostly downs). But the important thing is, I never have to see them again. And I probably won't. However, it should be noted that horror franchises don't end. They just pause....

Halloween 2018

A mediocre Gen-X interpretation of Stepford Wives, the teenage years.

Disturbing Behavior
1991?

This movie opens with a jock killing a girl who was giving him head because he needed to retain his fluids. He should've died much more horribly than he did.

Anyway...

Cyclops (James Marsden, looking tasty as usual) and his family move from Chicago to Cradle Bay after his brother commits suicide. He starts hanging out with the local stoners, one of whom has a theory that something something ain't quiet right with the jock squad, The Blue Ribbons (none of whom seem to play and actual sport). He's right.

After his friend becomes one of the fold, Clops and a pre-Scientology Katie Holmes dig up some dirt on the high school's educational fellow, Dr. Caldicott (Bruce Greenwood). Now, I had him pegged from the start. Who studies some buttfuck small town high school for two damn years when everyone knows the real sugar is in recycling data from inner city institutions. Also, the prim h.s. administrators were clearly enthralled with him, and yet dude swaggered in dressed like he was about to go on a midlife crisis date. Definitely the antagonist.

The film skipped a LOT of details. I surmised that the kids all got some kind of neuro-implant and brainwashing that made them re-enact what people think the 1950s were like. That is until they became sexually aroused. Then, gosh golly gee, it was a murdering spree. Seriously. And they were defeat by rodent pest control devices, at the hands of a man feigning retardation.

I hope the whole 31 days is not like this.

You'd think that a girl-punk cover of 'I'm The Man' would have me enthralled...

Yoga Hosers

     Two millennial Collens are about to have a really bad night. It's bad enough they had their phones taken away from them at school, but then find out they have to work tonight despite being invited to a party with senior upper clansmen? OMG!!! Could it get any worse?

Totally.

     So this movie is about sentient Nazi bratwurst crawling up peoples asses in a bid to take over the world from their secret base underneath the Eh-To-Zed convince store. They were created and ruled by a mad Nazi scientist that had been cryogenically frozen under said convince store and since he has awoken, it's time ot Nazi shit up in Canada. An how, you might ask? Well, by using the "Bratzi's" to pilot a giant human skin covered golem.  Fuck, man....Kevin Smith just smokes too much weed.

     Part of a trilogy called True North. It's about Canadians written by a guy from New Jersey named Kevin Smith. You can tell it was written by an American because every stupid Canadian stereotype is there. It wears on you pretty quick and utterly pointless. They never said 'aboot' on "You Can't Do That On Television", so why do I hear it 50 million flippin' times in this stupid movie? And 'basic'?...a word that should only be used once when describing people or a situation, is heard about as much. And for fucks sake,  STOP with the bullshit accents! They sound more like mock-Minnesotans from the movie Fargo.

Did I mention that only one cast member was from Canada? You're watching a 95% American cast act 'Canadian'.....How the hell did this stupid movie not get banned in Canada? Obviously, it's an attempt at horror comedy, but I only chuckled once. At least its a quick 90 minutes.

Thursday: What do you think the inside of that mask smells like?

I never thought I'd hear a Rush song in a Michael Myers movie.

     Today, I had to do something I never wanted to do. I've read nothing good about it, and I avoided it like the plague. All of this due to one man's involvement. And let me further this by explaining that not only do I find him to be a bit of a hack, tool, and narcissistic twat, he also changed his name to reflect his rampant douche-baggery: Rob Zombie. Which means I'm watching his reboot or in his words, "re-imagining" of Halloween. How did it come to this?

Halloween (2007)

     According to Zombie, John Carpenter gave him the advice to 'make it his own'. And attempted to. Zombie made Michael's family into horrible people to which he kills all of them but the mother and infant sister. After seeing young Michael kill a hospital nurse, she can no longer cope and eats her gun leaving only baby Laurie the survivor. As with all things dealing with the Myers family, Dr. Loomis is directly involved and is the first one notified when Michael escapes 15 years later. That's when the butchering begins. And let me tell you, Michael just stabs the fuck out of EVERYONE that he sees. If you're in the room with him, you're dead. Period. Blood EVERYWHERE.

     What's sad about this whole affair is what I have to say next: It's really not that bad of a film. Though it's really more of a visual upgrade with decent acting and a bit beefier cast, it still adds  a couple of things we never got to see. For example, young Michael's experience in the sanitarium. The story-line is pretty much the same, but the end is a lot less ambiguous and more definitive. The last scene pretty well nailed it, and it hurts to say this...I really came into this KNOWING it was going to be bad...I mean this REALLY hurts...FFS, almost every critic panned it...even after commuting 220 miles round trip to make it a 12 hour shift...at the end of the day, I honestly liked it.

Fuck.

Check out the cast choices:

John Forsythe
Malcom Mcdowell
Brad Dourif
Clint Howard
Danny Trejo
Udo Kier
Sybil Danning
Micky Dolenz?!?!?!?!

Wednesday: I don't think Canadians are this Canadian.

The movie they won't stop making

Evil Bong 420

     420? Get it? Because it's the 4th movie and it's about weed? Stupid damn movies. The only thing worse than watching them is realizing your compulsion to see them all. And that would be my character flaw.

     Rabbit has escaped from the Bongworld, and opened a 'topless bowling alley'. Needless to say, there's lots of pointless boobs in the age of free internet porn. Hot on his tail is EeBee, the Evil Bong, and the Ginger Dead Man. There's a lot of weirdness that I don't fully comprehend because I'm not stoned. I'm at a loss for words. There was a guy with a pig nose named Hambo, there was a horrible racist stereotype of Asians (complete with buckteeth and cameras), 2 rednecks (one got a mini spear to the eye by something called an Ooga Booga), there's even a sex scene for the stupid Ginger Dead Man...complete with money shot...Did I mention his penis was a bread stick?

     The one good thing I can say about this? Its about 53 minutes. That's right, they couldn't even stretch this out to 1 FULL HOUR.

Tuesday: Can a hack musician become a terrible filmmaker?

"People want reality!"

Halloween 8: Resurrection

     We start by visiting Laurie Strode in a mental hospital, which I guess is a family trait. Less than 5 minutes later, she's dead. The story we're told is that wasn't Michael she decapitated in the last film, it was  a poor security guard that switched places. So by that reasoning, the security guard had it out for Laurie too? Because whoever that was in the back of that van WAS trying to kill her. Oh for fucks sake, we're re-telling the story from the last movie. This is the finest definition of Sequel Hell and completely ruined the last movie.  Why did Jamie bother with this film at all? Oh, it's because she may not have read the contract very well. She was contractually obligated to be in this film for 30 seconds.

     The meat of this story is a bunch of stupid young people visit the home of Michael Myers for a webcast. Since Michael's a big fan of reality programming, he heads over to check it out and get some TV time. I'm guessing after seeing these young idiots take bong hits and try to hump their way through the house, he made the right decision and started hacking them up. Good call, Michael. Trust me, you'll spend this films 90 minutes rooting for Michael. Every one of these twatwaffles need to end their day with a knife in the head.

The cast:

Busta Rymes?

Tyra Banks?

Actual lines heard in the film:

"You'd be surprised how much you surprise yourself"

"The cameras are so phallic"

" You know Donna, you've got great legs. What time do they open?"

Monday: Another sequel compulsion for reasons I don't fully understand....