Be strong because this one's gonna hurt....

Ice Cream Man

     An ice cream man is gunned down in the way-way back, and poor Greg Tudor is witness to the whole thing. He goes nearly catatonic and ends up in some hard-core therapy for years while in an institution. Once he's released, he becomes an ice cream man himself and murders the fuck out of everyone. Kids, dogs, people...he's just a butcher machine. He keeps the bodies in his ice cream truck and uses them as ingredients in his creamery-on-wheels. Naturally, he feeds them back to the community so his carbon footprint is tight, yo! A local youth biker club (they were berets and everything!) figures out what's he up to and tries to put a stop to the worlds worst ice cream man's plan. ***SPOILER*** They do, he ends up in a giant blender, and we get a glimpse of a possible sequel that as of 2019 hasn't happened despite a crowd funding effort.

     Part of me is happy for Clint Howard. Part of me weeps because this turd was his first staring roll. But seriously, I swear this movie's existence is just fucking with me. Is it a bad movie just because it's bad? Is it intentionally bad? Is Clint acting horribly on purpose? What is the meaning of this shit-show? Why does Clint sound like Selma from The Simpsons? How did this cost $2 million to make? I might be able to answer that with this stellar ensemble cast:

Holy shit, Tori Welles!
Sandahl Berman!
Jan-Michael Vincent!

Sunday:I have a hard time coming up with a decent tease for a giant killer wasp movie....

Yep, the well's running dry

Child's Play 3

     Back to the factory we go....or really never left. We're treated to an opening montage of the factory being cleaned up after years of neglect leading us to believe that Andy Barclays shenanigans left the company in ruin. While mostly true, it's 8 years later and the company has crawled back from the void and ready to make those stupid, ugly dolls again. Surely nothing could come from this but profi.......oh look, Chucky's reborn and that means it's time to get his murder on. And after taking out the corporation's CEO, it's time to start new, and move on with a new lease on life starting with....finding Andy Barclay. Really? Still chasing Andy for his body? Why doesn't he just find some other idiot? Is it revenge? Either way, it's all going down in a military academy because somehow a kid with a very disturbed and troubled past ends up in a place that teaches hand to hand combat and weapon proficiency.
     The remainder of the movie is a series of cat & mouse chases that concludes at an amusement park...seems like a lot of movies have an amusement park scene. What was an interesting, but dated plot, became a un-suspenseful trip back to the 90s filled with wannabe bullies, teen angst, child enticement, and one stupid doll...

Aforementioned stupid doll.

Saturday: It's really nice to see Clint again....

I'd rather watch the volleyball tournament....

Girls With Balls

Trust me, it's as dumb as it looks

     A team of hawt lady volleyball players are traveling from a championship tournament they won. Sadly, they wander into Euro-trash Hillbilly territory and get into a spat with a local at an inn. After bailing on the local's establishment, they drive till they find a quiet spot for a nights sleep and ooOOOooo...suddenly they're being hunted for sport by said neighborhood redneck cult/clan. ***Spoiler***most of the team dies for which I was disappointed. Usually I'm rooting for the bad-guy/monster, but these ladies had a lot more potential.

     Really, I thought this would be Canadian, but no...it's French, Belgian, filmed in Spain...and DUBBED!!! I thought the voice sync was off on Netflix, but no....it's just the European equivalent of a '70s kung fu movie. I don't know why that surprised me so much. It's also a silly movie with a dumb premise that I thought only Americans made. There's some bits of funny just sparse enough to keep you interested, but also a ton of groan-worthy puns. Trust me, not the worst you've ever seen

Friday: Third time is never the charm....

The good news is it kept beer in Brad Dourif's 'fridge.

Child's Play 2

This poor kid is getting a complex

      Andy's in foster care, his mother is in an institution, and the only other witnesses to see Chucky in action denied the entire affair. And they were cops! Go figure.....

     For some stupid reason, Chucky is rebuilt by hand by the manufacturer, and it doesn't take long for him to strike first by electrocuting one of the men rebuilding him. From there, the little evil bastard makes his way to Andy and his new temp parents. Chucky be Chucky and murders the hell out of the Father, mother, school teacher, and foster care liaison. Eventually everything comes a climax back at the factory with Chucky turned into goo via an acid bath.

Yes, this felt like a sequel, but not a really cheap one. The FX were improved with a much better animatronic Chucky. Oh don't get me wrong, the movie's nearly 30 years old and it kinda shows, but it wasn't a real hack job like a lot of the other sequels I've seen. So far, we've yet to hit the bottom. But I still have 5 more sequels to go...

Thursday: There's no polite way to say "The balls on that lady!"...

It warned me "For mature audiences only" and I giggled....

Cute Little Buggers

     Stupid fish-faced aliens wearing riot helmets arrive at Earth and start sending "penetration units" that look like little fluffy bunnies to Earth for breeding purposes. Whatever kind of porn that is, I want nothing to do with it. Naturally, the little fluffers are not as they appear what with there gigantic teeth and tentacle-laden mouth and all.  Simply put, they're stealing the women and shipping them off to a lab where they start growing things in them. Something about propagating the alien race or something. It's not worth remembering why. In the mean time, there's a lot of other REALLY stupid side stories that nobody could care about. Seriously, there's a crap-ton of drama going on between bunny maulings and it makes no sense. It's bad enough you're in CGI/Green screen hell, that it's a veiled boob-movie, that it's is overly long at 1 hour, 48 minutes, but putting relationship drama into a titty-bunnie movie makes no sense!


     SO after people become aware of the evil lepus, the fighting begins and naturally, it get's bloody! It's a Goddamn horror movie! It should be!....but maybe just not so much dumb involved. And you know what works best on the hares? Urine! Yep, pee on them and they explode. This fucking movie was written by a 13 year-old in the throws of social awkwardness and puberty. It's a groan-fest that not even booze can help make better.

Starring:
            Nobody. Just nobody. Not even the rabbits are worth remembering.

Moving the hell on with Wednesday:  Return of the least intimidating horror icon...

I guess this was inevitable....

Child's Play

 
     Why are dolls so ingrained into horror films? Think of Puppet Master, Annabelle, Demonic Toys, and several other 1 hits that are just terrible. They were never scary, nay they were silly. Yet they still pump them out, we still watch them. This years franchise feature is Child's Play/Chucky. I've only seen one and figured I better take this year to hammer them out. I don't get why enough people liked them to keep making them but it looks like I'm going to watch them to find out. I'm also a glutton for  punishment.


     Brad Dourif is a serial killer on the run from the po-po. When he's shot and cornered by the police, he starts some sort of incantation that moves his soul over to a doll. Skip forward to Catherine Hicks (the poor man's Virginia Madsen) as a single mother with a son that want's that very doll that now harbors the soul of 1 serial killer. After a couple of people drop dead and her 6 year old son is a suspect in at least one of the deaths, it becomes clear to Catherine that the doll is a little murderous asshole that needs to be wiped out.

This scene went on for 3-4 minutes. Just stop the damn car!!!

      But she has to hurry because Chucky is starting to become human and he's trying to transfer his soul into her son.

     Honestly, it wasn't as bad as I remember it. It had also been close to 30 years so it was like watching it for the first time. The other 6(!) sequels are unknown territory for me so let's see just how bad they get.

Tuesday: But first! Cute fluffy bunnies!@!!!

Keep your tentacles to your damn self....

Grabbers

Filmed in Ireland, so this constitutes a foreign film

     A big 'something' lands in the ocean and a nearby fishing trawler moves in to investigate. The entire crew is quickly dispatched by something stabby. The next day we meet our protagonists, an alcoholic police man and a lady cop that is on a working vacation. Weird things start happening like whales showing up on the beach, people dying, ect...


     Turns out that big thing that landed in the ocean is a tentacle beast nick-named a 'grabber' and boy do they live up to their name. They feed on blood and water and as it turns out, that's just what Ireland is full of. One of them also crapped out a bunch of eggs so there's also that going on.

Not a good place to stand.

      Since there's a storm coming, it's theorized that the daddy-beast will be able to move about the land freely. After they figure out that the beast doesn't like drunk people due to their BAC level, it's determined that getting the whole town drunk is the best, most plausible action to keep the islands residents safe....in case you forgot this movie takes place in Ireland. After that it's a lot of drunken high-jinks and like a quarter of all horror movies, fire saves the day.

Apparently this is 8am in Ireland.

Monday: What is it with doll movies and endless sequels?