It's basically The State, but where the hell is Kerri Kenney?!?

Hell Baby

     An expecting whitebread couple purchase a fixer-upper in The Big Easy and soon find out the house has a certain 'haunting' quality about its character and charm. Soon the expecting wife becomes partially possessed and is gestating a demon baby in her big 'ol baby bin. Two super-priests are sent by the Vatican to investigate and exorcise.

     Wacky hijinks ensue and trust me, if you watched The State in the '90s, or Reno 911 in the early aughts, you'll like this movie. It has all the markings of that writing team and cast, as well as help from Rob Corddry, Keegan Michael Key, and a VERY naked Riki Lindhome (full frontal, just saying. Did you know she landscapes? I do now.)

And that does it. Another 31 "movies" in the books. It was full of sharks, Stephen King, cubes, and a LOT of general trash. Maybe I went a little light this year due to our current reality being the real horror just outside our front door. Though in contrast, I'm starting to wonder if I'm running out of good horror films. Let's do this again in a year. I'm going to go read a book or something...

Meh...prima donnas, the lot of them....

What We Do In The Shadows

     Here's a fun little film from New Zealand that's, simply put, a mockumentary about the secret culture of ancient vampires. The story revolves around (roughly) 6 main characters and all their idiosyncrasies of their daily life. 

It's really hard to give much detail about the story considering it's mostly linier yet lacking in any sort of story arc. As with most mocumentaries, the crowning jokes are mostly subtle, deadpan, and bordering on absurd despite what could be reality.

     That's really the hallmark of a mockumentary and probably why I'm drawn to them. I'm going to put this down as a must-see. There's also a regular TV series based on this, but I'll have to get to that some other time.

Saturday: Final/Endgame/Last one/See you next year...

Hobo For President

 Hobo With A Shotgun

     True...true, not really a horror movie. BUT....have you seen how much blood this thing produces? Exploding heads, baseball bats that eviscerate people, flame-throwing bus-loads of kids...OK, actually I didn't like that scene but you get the idea. Everything was turned up to 11...make that 12, and no amount of violence is spared. And be honest....do you really even care about the story? NOBODY DOES...it's generic and not the reason we're watching it.

SPLOOSH!!!

     Over the top, splashy gore revenge flick based on a in-movie gag from the film Grindhouse. Thankfully, someone was smart enough to throw money and Rutger Hauer at it and what we got was a fun, silly, gory homage to grind house films....though I don't really remember them being that blood-soaked. Whatevs, it's a quick 1h 30min movie that never apologizes for anything!

Friday: Senior vampires are such a bunch of fancy-lads....

And I didn't even read the damn book....

The Stand (1994 Miniseries)

     I have this book on my shelf. I started to read it, got distracted and never went back. That was over 20 years ago. I bought the DVD for the miniseries, but it was a complete impulse buy with a promise to watch AFTER I read the book. That was probably 15 years ago. This is the year I just don't give a shit about that kind of thing so I'm watching it...all 6 hours of it, though I'm splitting it up over 2 nights to bring it down to a more reasonable 3 hours each.

     The book is huge, the story is long with lots of details, and this isn't a full comprehensive review.  However, the over-simplified cliff notes are as follows: Virus leaks out of a lab, kills almost everyone. BadGuy recruits people to hang with him in Vegas, OldLady recruits the others to hang out in Boulder CO.  OldLady starts new society in Boulder, and everyone chips in to clean up the town and create a safe, civilized society with laws and government. BadGuy starts new society in Las Vegas, and everyone chips in to clean up the town and create a safe, civilized society with laws and government. Both societies bring out the best in people but for some reason, BadGuy hates Boulder and was planning on an air strike. His air strike is foiled and OldLady dies, comes back as 'a hand of God' and NUKES VEGAS. That's right, the sweet old lady killed thousands of people that had just worked their asses off cleaning up the town, including disposing of all the corpses left behind by the plague. I should mention that BadGuy had basically REFORMED that entire lawless wasteland and turned it into a community but oh FUCK NO, OldLady ain't havin' it! SOOOO....I guess good triumphed over evil and everything is right in that world? Seems like a shitty hand to play if you ask me.

     More interesting is this All-Star mid '90s cast:

The Princess

Lt. Dan and Alf's Dad

Patrick Dauber (spelled M-O-O-N)

Max Headroom

Parker Lewis

Frequent contributor to Penthouse Forum

And a cameo by Roger Murdock (Co-pilot, retired)

              and some dude named Rob Lowe....whoever that's supposed to be.

In the end, his only real crime was too much denim.

Thursday: Down to the final 3! Also, please be respectful of your local hobo...

 Velocipastor

     After a priest's parents die in a horrible explosion,  he decides to go for a soul searching travel. While "in China", he meets a woman with an arrow in her back and a large claw-like thing in her hand. After she dies in his arms, he makes a run for it and accidently cuts his hand on the claw. I guess that turns him into a dinosaur, specifically a velociraptor, and he saves a hooker from a would-be robber by mauling him to death.  

     Let's just stop right there for a sec. At least the title is accurate, and yes, it's a comedy. An intentional comedy. It leans a lot towards the absurd...

I mean,  REALLY absurd....

Yep, this is my hobby.

Funny, silly, cheap....that meets all the requirements for me!

Tuesday/Wednesday: One more Stephen King double header....

 The Car

     In a nasty dirty future, an ambitious public defender is tortured and killed because he has a data chip the bad guys want. When they're done, they toss him out a 30th floor window and he lands on his newly acquired luxury car with terrible Lambo doors. Apparently, the corpse and car combine to create what is probably an unnecessary sequel to a slightly obscure 1977 car horror film of the same name. He was also a possessive near-psychopath hell-bent on getting back together with his ex and she's not having it. Needless to say, the man-car goes on a rampage killing all the fiends involved with his murder....as well as ANYONE that comes near his ex. I'm not sure if they intended this to also be a horror drama, but they tried their best. Thankfully, this is slightly better than the original and car from that movie makes a cameo as a donor. There's a lot of squishy head-'sploding gore with deaths such as:

Death by car

Death by car 

Death by Car

Death by Car 

Death by Car 

Death by Car 

Death by Car  

and Death by Car

It's a car. It can't do much other than run over people.

Monday: Proper use of Dinosaurs and Ninjas...

Saved the best for last

Bad CGI Shark

     Out of the 7 terrible shark movies I picked, I hoped just ONE of these films was actually fun. House Shark tried it's best, but it was too silly. Raiders of the Lost Shark was....pointless. Shark Exorcist and Super Shark flatlined through their entire 70 minute runs. Mega Shark vs. Kolosus should never have been made, and Psycho Shark was this years movie mulligan. So that leaves us with one last chance to have a fun shark movie. No pressure, Bad CGI Shark, but this entire week rests on you...

     Two brothers are fans of sharks and as kids, they wanted to make a movie. Divorces happen, and the brothers are split up. One becomes an office drone, the other a useless hippy. The father, keeper of the hippy, kicks him out and sends him to live with his drone brother...who just got fired. Then a shark floating in mid-air shows up and that's where it becomes a fun movie. Did you read that right? It is actually a funny movie with people that can act (mostly). Holy shit, how'd I find this one?!?...

Living up to the title!

...Oh, I remember now....I found it while slogging through 6 other shitty shark movies that I'll never have to watch again.

Sunday: Give a crappy movie a crappy sequel? How trendsetting.....