It's a chicken zombie thing. You wouldn't understand...

 Poultrygeist.

How does Ron Jeremy keep ending up in these movies? Is he trying to move into legitimate film rolls where he doesn't have to show us his wanker?

"See? I didn't take my weiner out once!!! 

     It's been awhile since I've seen a Tromaville movie, and this fit the bill perfectly. A ancient native burial ground is dozed over to make room for an American Chicken Bunker. Naturally, this ruffles the headdress feathers of the long deceased, and employees of the newly opened ACB are dying off in horrifyingly violent ways. We call that Troma-style. Anyway, silliness ensues for an unbelievable 114 minutes! I've never heard of a Troma movie lasting that long! And after the first hour, you'll notice it's overly long. This is also part musical, so beware of vulgar songs about funny stuff. At least the acting the acting is decent, and the f/x are pretty gross at times. And there's also an oddly long scene featuring Mr. Troma himself, Lloyd Kaufman.

I can't say I'll ever want to watch it again, but I'm glad I got to see it.

Right where it belongs

Up Next: Intermission

Might as well call it a bukkakie film...

 The Stuff

     Does it ever occur to you to eat an unknown throbbing substances on the ground? Me neither, but this is Horrorland, baby, and that's how movies open!

     Lets be honest, Stuff is basically a desert yogurt, and it's taking the world by storm. Everybody's doing it. Well, everyone but little guy Jason. He once saw the Stuff move on it's own, so he knows it's evil. Michael Moriarty is also on the case and I don't get his portrayal. He's trying to play a bit of a hick-ish former FBI agent turned industrial spy, but his accent keeps wandering. Regardless, he's now fully vested into finding out what this stuff is, since it's tried to kill him multiple times. Throughout the movie, he enlists the help of a rather odd cast: Paul Sorvino, Garrett Morris, Danny Aiello, and there's even a cameo by Abe Vagoda.

     Less a horror film than a Saturday afternoon crap show, this was another on the long term wish-list. It's becoming clearer that I really DO need to be careful what I wish for, as I'm getting it and it's less than awesome.

Is there something on my chin?

     Today is double header day as I skipped last night. I'm also afraid to announce that there will be an intermission until the 25^th. Work dictates a business trip, and I'm not trusting TSA with my laptop.

"Gobble, Gobble, Mother Fucker!"---Turkie circa 2009

Thankskilling

Who can say no to a face like that?

     Farther down the spiral we go with tonight's feature being about an ancient killer turkey that speaks English remarkably well. Or is it a remarkably well spoken killer turkey from ancient times? Meh, either way you shoot it, it looks and sounds stupid. And it is. A cursed turkey, recently re-animated, starts hunting down lame-ass college students while on Thanksgiving break. There's some gruesome kills and some cheesy one-liners uttered by the turkey. Seeing is believing. I actually liked this dorky movie because it reminded me of Flesh Eating Mothers, though less serious. Since it clocks in around an hour, it can't hurt you any longer than that. According to Wiki, The budget was $3500 and it was filmed in 2007, but not released until 2009. There's also a sequel to be out in 2012! Budget for that will be around $100k via Kickstarter and if I can get my hands on a copy, you bet your ass we'll be reviewing that next October.

And the best one-liner? "You just got stuffed!!!"

Friday: Speaking of Stuff.....

“I love wieners, but I hate dicks”

Dahmer Vs. Gacy

Well, what do you expect with a movie title like this? And yes, that really is the title.

     Long dorky story short, Dahmer and Gacy have been cloned in order to create the perfect killing machine for the military. They break free and go on nationwide killing spree. They really hate each other and soon it becomes clear that they're going to go at each other. One likes to eat people, the other likes to eat people AND fuck their dead corpses

     And then there's Ringo, God's retarded drunken redneck soldier. His two primary weapons appear to be a shotgun and a bottle of JD. He's also got a thing for Anne Robinson from The Weakest Link. God talks to him through a radio and recruits him to stop them.

Observe exhibit A: Peter Pantsless

     Finally, there's X-13. He's the craziest of them all and is dispatched to stop both cannibalistic idiots. He manages to mouth-stab Gacy with an ear of corn, and stabs Dahmer in the chest with the same. However, Ringo, our now pant-less retarded drunken redneck soldier, blows him away with a shotgun. The en...Holy shit, is that Steve Adler of GnR?!? Really?...wow. Ok. Didn't see that one coming. Anyway, The End....till the cliffhanger involving Charles Manson and a butcher knife. I thought this was rather stupid considering Manson never actually killed anyone. All the murders were done by his disciples. Whatevs.

Thursday: I've always felt that turkeys were the most evil bird....

 Transylvania 6-5000

     This will be the ONLY Jeff Goldblum film in this year's horror run. And with any luck, it'll be the last movie I ever see with Ed Begley Jr. EVER. Both play straight men in this film and that may be too much. Everyone else was is much more entertaining. Carol Kane and Michael Richards nearly steal the show and Geena Davis gives me that 'special' feeling. Her part is pretty lame, so I'm guessing it's all the side boob she's displaying.

     The plot is fairly simple: These two dorks go to Transylvania to investigate a cheesey "real" Frankenstein video. They work for a tabloid, and this is right up their alley. The townspeople humor them but they're also hiding the truth. The truth being that Joe Bologna isn't the monster creator that everyone thinks he is. He's actually a rehabilitative surgeon as revealed in the end, but it's a lot of work getting there. As per most wacky '80s comedies, there's rampant silliness at the end and as usual, it's half baked. Wolf-man has a hair growth issue, Frankenstein has had reconstructive surgery after a car accident left him a mess, some lady dressed up as a mummy got serious plastic surgery and “bazonkers”. That means she got bigger boobs. Geena Davis's part has her as as a vampire, when in actuality, she's just awkward about her self image. Nowadays, we call people that dress and act like that “goth” and “annoying self-absorbed jerk-ass”. But hey, I'm jaded.

     This is one of those movies I've wanted to see since 1985, but never really made the effort. Now I've seen it and I feel a little underwhelmed.. But it's not a complete loss:

SIDEBOOB!!!!!

Wednesday: I can already tell this is going to be a stinker...

Close to living up to it's title....

 The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made

     Aw Christ, here we go again. This is right out of the Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter book. A bunch lame friends get together to make a movie, and no one can act worth a shit. I understand why people do it, but from an outsider looking in, it makes it seem like everything is an inside joke.

     This damn movie was all over the place. They tried to spoof every horror movie they could remember, and...and....well fuck, I don't know!?! You try to get a plot out of all this muck: There was a dancing poo man, Jesus Christ flying around on a cross, Jersey Shore military men, and aborted fetus falling out of a 500 foot woman, a baby murder factory, nun-chucks made out of babies (they really hate babies in this film), Muslim bombers, face stealing  a toilet paper mummy, a buck nude conehead, stigmata masturbation, a murderous snow man, and so on...

All this? Same movie. What do you do with this much crazy?

     Overall, this was a silly as it gets. My copy included about 20 minutes of outtakes and watching those was infinitely more entertaining.

     Tuesday means the month is at its midpoint and we're halfway home. And I also managed to sneak a Jeff Goldblum movie in this list.

 Spook Town

     There's scraping the barrel, and then there's hoping in the wayback machine to an insane 1944 and scraping out of an Old West barrel. While this was filmed during WWII, it looks like it was a product of WW1. The sound is muffled, the video is a tad choppy, and I've seen them ride by that same tree about 5 times. Thankfully, this turd is only 60 minutes.

     It's kinda hard to understand them but something about a ghost town, money box, and Texas Rangers. I'm not really sure, everyone sounds like they're talking through a pillow. And if I try to figure it out with body language, I find that all they really are doing is walking across rooms, from end to end. Back and forth. Oh, and they like to sing stupid convoluted love songs about or too their horses. Or was that a lady? Whatever it was, it had a ton of pancake on it's face.

     Well, this sucked. On to the next one.

Monday: You still have to try very hard to earn the title of....