Thunder Chickens vs. Doogal Sloths

The Dark Crystal

     More Henson, more supreme puppeteering, and a deeper longing for movies of this caliber. There's very little to complain about this film as it's nearly flawless. As a kid, I loved the Skeksis. The Skeksis were a petty, deceitful, cowardly race that came from the Crystal when it cracked. The Mystics came from the same Crystal at the same time, but were the complete opposites. With two diametrically opposing beings, this movie reeks of duality and is illustrated when any member of the factions dies, so does its unlikely twin. In the end, when both races became one with each other, it created balance. That was the Henson way.

     Though this film was never held to the same regard as Labyrinth, it is by far the better movie. When you compare the two, you can see Henson and crew are there to create something from their imagination without much regard in TDC. In contrast, Labyrinth was a much safer script. There were no deaths, stabbings, or violence in general. This is all due to the criticisms The Dark Crystal suffered when first released, despite having a clear message about what evil looks like and what courage really is. This film just had more meat on it's bones.

Some notes, however:

Aughra's nipples were clearly present.

FIZZGIG!!!

Jen's puppet still creeps me out more than any Skeksis, Mystic, or Garthim.

Please Let This Be The Worst One This Month

Merlin: The Return
2000

This movie was so terrible I honestly can't even tell you what is was even about.

Some kid and his mom move to England after his father dies, to stay with the mother's screw-loose aunt. At the same time a blonde Tia Carrere communicates with Mordred - Arthur's bastard son with his half-sister Morgana le Faye - via a medium. Carrere's Dr. Maxwell is helping him break the spell placed on him, holding him in some underworld. The spell is the same (or linked to) one that keeps Arthur asleep. Since it's weakened, Arthur ends up by the side of the road,with his men, attempting to slay an oil truck. Meanwhile Merlin ends up in the middle of town in his underwear. No one seems the least bit put off by Merlin, as if this sort of thing happens all the time.

Anyway, the medium has a daughter and she and the boy wind up embroiled in the plot to break the spell on Mordred. The middle is such a jumble of WTF that I can't even explain it and then there's some kind of battle and Mordred is defeated using earthquake-producing tasers. Oh, and Guinevere has some kind of Bo Derek ringlet dreads and gets in on the sword play in her warrior armor.

I had this same attitude through the whole film.

I kept feeling like they were referencing some other film (that didn't exist) but then some characters clearly had no clue what was going on.

This starred Craig Sheffer (Nightbreed) and Adrien Paul (Highlander). My god...smh.

The Creature From Midgard

Ragnarok
2013

This looks a lot cooler than is was.

This opens with an apprehensive Viking Princess chastising her greedy father, who's about to get his ass handed to him 'by the Gods". Sounds cool, right? Well then you end up in some archeology nerd's house while he dresses to speed away to his job at a museum. There he gives a bumbling speech to the museum's funders, who aren't impressed that he thinks he's fund the source of the Ragnarok myth. Ragnarok is the Norse doomsday, if you're slow. It involves Fenrir the Wolf and the World Serpent, among other things, but we're just going to focus on the obvious player (note the poster).

A little background: The archeologist (whose name I'll nver pronounce) has two kids, Ragnhild and Brage. His wife dies of cancer so he is raising them by himself, a point that doesn't sit well with Brage. The boy sets his dad up with an internet dating profile but neglects some vital info and poor dad starts getting crazy email. Daughter, Ragnhild, is tough and moody.

After some late-night excitement - well, for two fossil-freaks - dad backs the kids up for an exciting trip to the Finnemark. This family excursion has them illegally crossing the Soviet border and rafting to a tiny island. From here on out it's Jurassic Anaconda, Norwegian style.

So the movie was about realizing the family is more important that anything else. A lesson not learned by Princess Asa's dad and almost paid for by this crew. Totally not the fantasy flick I was expecting and certainly not Troll Hunter but ok for the fam I guess.

The Fastest Way To Travel Is By Candlelight!

Stardust
2007

Stardust is the story of a lovesick shop boy who becomes a man when she shares an adventure with one woman, while trying to prove his love for another. A fair amount of fantasies are about gaining the favor of a woman...or vanquishing a hoard of bloodthirsty beasts and gaining a kingdom. This one's about the chick.

Anyway, I really don't have much to say about this. I like the movie. I've seen it a couple of times. It kind of reminds me of a cross between The Princess Bride and Everafter with maybe a twinge of The Witches and spritz of Legend. Truthfully, I only watched it this time because there was only so much idiocy I could take. I scheduled enjoyable breaks in between debacles. This was one of them.

One thing that is a little off about the movie is how quickly and without question Tristan accepts everything in Stormhold. Even after the candle ride, he never once stops to really question how that was even possible. I guess he's not a curious as his father was about the wonders beyond the wall. Also, being who he is, it may all make natural sense to him.

In The Name Of Your FACE! Bam!

In The Name of the King: The Last Mission (but not really)

     The 3^rd, and so far, last ITNOTK movie starring Dominic Purcell as the main protagonist named Hazen Kaine. The film starts out with Dom acting as an assassin/mercenary in modern times. His last mission is to kidnap some royal crotch fruit. He does so, easily, and hides them in a storage container. He sees an amulet on one of the victims and rips it off of her. After locking them away in the container, he compares the cheap trinket to a tattoo and it opens a portal to the past. Back to medieval times that included a dragon. Again. Yes, this movie opens almost EXACTLY as the second film did.

     I'll be honest. I checked out while this movie was playing. It was one long sword fight and a plot so weak and runny, it could shit through a screen door. One of the most grating scenes was at the ¾ mark. During a big battle between the warring armies, someone yells “STOP FIGHTING!!!” and everyone did just that. Seriously?!? Since when does that ever work?

Eventually, Razain Hain or whatever the hell his cheesy name is, wins the battle, kills the bad guy and is transported back to his time...with the the dragon following him through the portal. There's a chase scene, people get shot, there's some double crossing, and the dragon kills the lamest 'tough bitch' hench-lady I've ever seen. Movie over, I'm done with this terrible set, and all is right with the world...

                            ...for now.

Silly Sorcerer, Youth Was Made for Kids.

Beastmaster 3: The Eye of Braxus
1995

Two old geezers are up to no good at the start of this final chapter in the original movie series. Kudos to Marc Singer for being in all three (even though the last two were turds). This film reintroduces Dar's half-bro, Tal, and Tal's bodyguard/advisor, Seth.Seth is played by Tony Todd. I like Todd. No matter how small the part or horrendous the flick, Todd is always believable in his role. Tal was played by Casper Van Diem in what I truly hope was a very unfortunate blond wig. it looked like a combination bad dye and plug job, and did little to distract from the fact that he was dressed like a pharaoh...in a Sword & Sorcery flick starring a bunch of white people roaming some place that was totally not Egypt.

He even had little knee-high sandals and got chick-carried.

::sigh::

Anyway, Tal sends Dar on some diplomatic mission and makes Seth accompany him. Did I mention that Dar has a more replacement animals? Well he does. Now...you might not really notice the difference in the birds if your not into them, and no one expects you to distinguish one ferret from the next...but you can certainly tell that a LION is NOT a TIGER. I mean really! I was willing to over look that the hawk turned into an eagle from the first to second movie, AND that they used a totally different breed of tiger (I mean maybe- maybe - he took a bath and lost some weight...)...but a fucking lion?

::sigh::

Anyway, Tal wants Dar to investigate the claims of some action-figure sporting pilgrims, who are petitioning him for help against a sorcerer. They fear the "arrows of fire" shot by the sorcerer's Crimson Guard...which are literally flaming arrows...shot by mostly black(with a little red trim)-garbed guards. ::sigh:: Dar refuses and is off communing with his animal friends when Tal's camp is raided and he's taken prisoner. The sorcerer wants some fugly bling in Tal's possession and tortures him in his Shroud of Agony - which was actually two sets of tentacle-tipped arms, the likes of which one sees in hentai. Isn't a shroud a cloth? Whatever.

This movie was a dumpfest where they tried to blend the best of the first flick with everything from Conans Destroyer and Barbarian. Case in point, there was warrior woman love-interest, a carnival/trickster sidekick-wannabe, and a sorcerer seeking a demon-god's power. That last one...I've come to the conclusion that dark magic/demon-god power is the would-be sorcerer's version of crack or meth. They've all seen what it did to their fore-bearers and contemporaries but swear that they'll be able to control it. Meanwhile, this particular sorcerer has taken to draining young bucks of their essence to stay strong enough to work his mojo. That just sounds so back-alley....and it's never enough. See my point?

So whatever this guy's name is (and his trusty guy Friday) secures the aforementioned bling and puts it to use cracking open the tomb of one, Braxus, Lord of the Pit, so that he can gain eternal youth and power. Yup. When Braxus showed up - and shame on you if you did not see that plot twist coming - I nearly pissed myself laughing. He looked like the love child of Dinosaur's Earl Sinclair and TMNT 2's Tokka.

I'm just saying...

 I was laughing so hard I missed half his long-winded world-domination speech - which he gave before a big pit that was just in the floor from nowhere. Really, all someone had to do was give him a big push.

"And the creatures of th pit shall rise up and..hey..what the? Aaaaaaaaaaah..."

But alas, no one was that smart. Also, one of his magical powers was that he could shoot his claws (ewww!) which morphed into spears. To that effect, he skewers the sorcerer's assistant, who is just awkwardly pinned to some kind of console in the background of most of the Boss Fight scenes, like troll doll on a dashboard. It was all down hill from there. I mean they won, yay, but I just couldn't even contain myself.