It's true, nobody says 'nut up' anymore...

 Zombieland: Double Tap

        The dysfunctional quadruplets have settled into the White House to ride out the apocalypse. However, not all is perfect and once again, the women bail on the guys and that means its round-trip time...sort of. Along the way, the guys meet Madison, a pretty pretty princess with no clue or care in the world. Somehow she's survived and I think it's because the zombies don't want her to infect them. After the first couple of scenes with her, you start to agree with them. After that it's really just another road trip movie with humorous scenes that don't take themselves too serious. It's hard for me to rag on this film because it was a decent watch. I honestly have no complaints. Boring review, right? Fine, fuck it. Here's a bunch of gifs:

 Thusday-ish: They are 100% preventable...

 Books Of Blood (2020)

     Read them, loved them, and they've spawned several B-movie horror films. Some good, most bad, and one had Vinnie Jones.

     For example:

         Midnight Meat Train

         Lord Of Illusions

         Rawhead Rex

         Quicksilver Highway (AKA The Body Politic)

         Candyman

         Dread

    This one is VERY loosely based on a couple of stories. But they're so far out there, I had a hard time recognizing them. Than again, I read the books about 35 years ago. As anthologies go, here's our simple plots:

Jenna

Jenna has issues, and she's tired of taking her pills. This disagrees with her parents, so she runs away...right into a house of psychos. The kind of psychos that drug people up, sew their eyes shut, and remove tongues as...uh...souvenirs? The good news is, none of victims lose their lives. HOWEVER, they are literally part of the house now since Nurse Ellie keeps them alive in the walls, cupboards, ect. Nice people.

Miles

Um...it's basically Ghost but the psychic was a fake and real ghosts wrote their respective thesis into every square inch of his body, like a big fleshy journal. Don't fuck with ghosts. Or the living. Maybe just try being a good human and not a piece of shit.

Bennett

      The third and final story is really a culmination the other 2 stories. The final chapter had been teased throughout the movie and this concludes all 3 parts of the film and I must say...it was done very well. Not amazing, but surprising and logical from a Clive Barker view. His involvement was non-existent, but his fingerprints are still there.

Wednesday: Blap Blap, Double Tap

A very fine Halloween Thanksgiving film..

Thanksgiving

     On Black Friday eve, a store opens early and a stampede ensues, causing a handful of fatalities. Sadness happens and we spring forward a year later for a good ole revenge murder fest. 

      Some dude that looks like Guy Fawkes's loser cousin starts a murder rampage of all the biggest offenders of the riot shopping spree, each one dying in as gory as possible manner. 

      This movie is based on a trailer from the movie Grindhouse. This would also make it the 3rd full length movie to spring from the fake trailers and each one has been over the top violent. My personal fav is Hobo With a Shotgun. Anyhoo, good movie but also kind of basic? I mean...Patrick Dempsy? Really?

Deaths include:

Death by dumpster

Death by  beheading x2

Death by 180 degree head spin

Death by a knifey trampoline

Death by table saw

Death by parade float

Death by oven

Death my meat tenderizer

Death by fiery explosion....maaaybe

Tuesday: Clive Barkers movies are old enough for reboots?

A Regrettable Police Action...

 Bimbo Movie Bash

     Sent on a mission from a planet 5 light years away, a team of...um...anti-misogynist enforcers lands on planet Earth to teach chauvinist pig-dog men a lesson in equality and respect...by wearing skimpy clothing, bad acting, and bare bewbs!  And really, what did you expect? The name of their home planet is Bimbus 36D...nyuk nyuk nyuk. 

     This is largely a movie of mash-ups; scenes pulled from countless bad sci-fi films, stock footage, over-dubs, and zero original footage. It's loosely stitched together to form a bigger, dumber movie filled with bad dick jokes and pointless nudity. By the half way point, you're bored of seeing scenes ripped from Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death and realize there is a reason this movie has been buried in someone's archive for almost 3 decades. It should have stayed there. This isn't a Halloween film, this is my annual Mulligan movie. Moving on...

This fucking cast:

Adrienne Barbeau!

Morgan Fairchild!

Julie Strain!

Shannon Tweed!

Linnea Quigley!

And at his '80s B-Movie best, Bill Maher.

Monday: Stop confusing the holidays!

How to ruin a shower scene....

 Return to Return to Nuke 'em High

Settle in, kids. This one is a doozy.

     Lloyd Kaufman just doesn't give a fuck anymore. In the first 3 minutes, we're treated to a high school woman's shower scene that starts out great, but ends in a horrible mess as one of the teen girls suddenly starts her period...and it's radioactive. This has some sad consequences as it melts most of the other woman in the shower. Bummer. And nearly every shower scene ends in a bloodbath mixed with toxic acid. And fear not, it's not just the ladies that get naked. There's a very underwhelming peen scene that I'm thankful nobody has turned into a gif. But here's hint: Prince. Albert.

     And as for the plot...just don't. Don't worry about what's not there. It's all over the place, makes no sense, and you'll be distracted by all the damn nudity. It's so over the top, it's almost exhausting. For fuck sake, Lloyd fellates a goddamn banana! There's a penis ripping scene (mostly censored), and assorted insane gross-out violence. You'll need a nap after this one.

Jesus, Lloyd! What the fuck?!!?

All-star cast includes:

Crazy old man Lloyd Kaufman

Rapist Ron Jeremy

Monique Dupree...whoever the hell that is.

Stan Lee

Internet Famous James Rolfe.

But I saved the best for last:

PRESIDENT LEMMY

Sunday: I'm don't think this qualifies as a feminist film

Ground beef, tomato sauce, onions...and some dumb

 Inhumanwich

     A clown-faced astronaut is sent to do space things in space. While up there, an accident occurs and he's dosed up with mega-radiation that combines him with a sandwich he was eating. From this un-godly combination, he becomes the Inumanwich! The plot is as tight as the science. Picture The Blob, but made out of sloppy joes. 

Hawt!!!

     It slithers around, eats people, grows, rinse & repeat. It's not the deepest puddle you've stepped in, you know for sure you've stepped in something.

    Yes, this is a bad movie, but semi-intentionally. It's "filmed" in complete black and white...probably on an I-Phone. The jokes are subtle, but not horrible. But they're also not laugh out loud either. 73 minutes is just about right for this 'movie', and you never have to watch it again.

Saturday (yes, I know I'm behind): A sequel to a classic sequel that only people like me asked for.