Contact high and a stupid crappy cookie

Gingerdead Man Vs. Evil Bong.

It really is what it looks like.

     Boobs in the first 5 seconds of the movie. A new record. So here we are again, watching a terrible movie with bad script, cheap F/X, and simple low-budget acting. Somehow, Full Moon Entertainment can still hammer out the hits. This was clearly made in someone basement. It appears they blew their budget on the bewb models which includes Masuimi Max.

     So far the first half of the movie is just a damned flashback vehicle, and I've never seen any of the other sequels to either of the franchisees. Now I'll probably have to, but that's my OCD to blame. Trust me, however, you don't need to see them to get this film. The flashbacks tell the entire story.

    But really, none of that is important. It's a stupid weed/cookie movie with someone named 'Larnell'. 1 part flashback, 1 part incomprehensible story. But there is a literal wall of boobs. I'm not kidding about that. 

No, really. Wall Of Boobs. Right there, on the wall

     There's also a bunch of cameos from other FME series's, but not even I can tell you what films they're from. In the end, the body count is 3, and our main protagonists only know about 1. The other 2 are lying in a kitchen, currently bleeding to death. That's really going to be hard to explain to the cops....

Oh, and by the way, Gingerdead is stuck inside EeBee, the Evil Bong, smoking a joint.

Saturday Double Header: The X is for Xtrememly British...

GingerDORKman is more like it....

Do this first

Then try to watch this....

Gingerdead Man

     Well, here we have our mid-month film, and it involves a sentient gingerbread man haunted with the soul of a nutball killer that looks exactly like Gary Busey. That mostly because it IS Busey, but that's really irrelevant.

For reasons I don't know (but I'm sure were covered), Gary is killing people in a diner. Then we cut away or something. I don't really know, I wasn't paying attention. Next thing I know, 3 dip-shit slackers working in a bakery are having cat fights while being chased around by a poorly puppeteered waking/talking gingerbread man. 

I guess it happened when someone got a cut while prepping dough and since these slacktards have no concept of microbiology or blood borne diseases, they technically created this little monster because of hygienic ignorance. Serves them right. After all those puns, everyone involved in this film should have died

How could you let these idiots live?

I still have no idea (nor any concern) how Gary Busey's soul got into the gingerbread dough. All I know is there wasn't much to talk about in this movie so I used .gifs as filler. Did I mention GingerGary could drive?

The only positive spin I can find would be the time. It's only 75 minutes long. 

Friday: This week reaches it's logical conclusion....

Tommy Chong has smoked too much weed....

Evil Bong

     Oh, Jesus Christ, it's a movie about a sentient bong. Weed, weed, weed. I get it. People like to smoke weed and get high. I hope you don't mind all the pot references, because that's all this movie is. Oh, there is as story about a bong that steals your soul if you smoke from it. When it takes your soul, it transfers in to a dimensional strip club, where you're killed. Then you die in real life. Then Tommy Chong shows up. I'll never understand the drug culture.

     Did I mention this uses bumpers? BUMPERS! You don't uses bumpers in a movie!!! And get this, it's of a spinning pot leaf. Who'd a thunk it? And during the credits, there's a promo for the sequel! That's just how serious they were about this film franchise.

     And another thing: Why doesn't the bongs lips move? Someone is literally shaking it to signify it's speaking. That's how cheap this movie is. Yet somehow they could afford Tommy Chong. AND Jack Deth....

....But most disturbing is the cameo made by the title star of Thursday's film.....

Eat Me.

I WAS going to watch the 1974 feature Madhouse with Vincent Price and Peter Cushing. However, Netflix being the dicks they are, removed it on Oct. First. Odd time of the year to remove a horror film, but whatevs. My runner up is:

Shrooms

     I never understood the drug culture, but here we are again, trying to digest that which is so foreign to me. A bunch of lame American d-bags and their hunnies go to Ireland to camp and eat 'shrooms. They're whole international trip was to do drugs...without going to Amsterdam. So we're dealing with some very wise, yet conceited twat-waffles. They're guide is a hunky Ire-bro and he knows a lot about hallucinogenic 'shrooms. We're talking high quality people. Hope nothing bad happens to them.

     So the low down is they do a bunch of shrooms, and start getting stalked by some-thing. One in particular keeps having premonitions, but isn't really good at preventing what she sees. So, clearly clairvoyance is wasted on her. Remember, these are dumb people that keep making bad choices. Since everyone is still on 'shrooms and every goddamn thing is a hallucination, it's really hard to tell what is real, and what isn't. My advice is to just root for the bad guy because he's doing the right thing.

Wednesday: Is that really a bong? It looks more like a hookah...

It was never really a horror movie franchise to begin with......

Bates Motel...(no, not the TV series..well it was kinda...it's a long story)

     We start off meeting Alex West, friend of Norman Bates. Or he was while they were in the asylum. Norman has died and left Ye Olde Motel to Alex because he was such a good friend. Now that Alex has been released, he decides to spruce up the murder pit..er, money pit...err....motel, and start renting out rooms again. With the help from a former handyman, a banker, and Lori Petty, he dumps a crap load of money into coating everything with a southwestern motif, all the while seeing spoooky shadows of Old Lady Bates in the window. His first customer says she's there to write a book or some crap, but is really there to commit suicide. While she's in the tub getting read to do the deed, a young girl walks in and just starts chatting up. Turns out she's with a group of young kids that all drive vehicles from the 50's. Anyhoo, they invite her to a party they just started (holy shit, is that Jason Bateman? Yes it is!), and she obliges and decides not to kill herself as all the kids reveal themselves to be ghost of people that really DID go through with it....

                                                               …............................

….First of all, what the fuck is this shit? Is NOT a horror film. This WISHES it could be a really bad episode of Scooby Doo. But it can't be even that good. Or bad. Whatever. It's complete crap. It has so little to do with the Psycho franchise, it's startling that it even got to use original story or names. According to Wiki, it was a pilot for a TV series that never happened. And that's a damn good thing too. While we now have the REAL Bates Motel TV series, we could have been subjected to this gawd awful Fantasy Island shit show. OOOOH and the best part----> in the end we find out the spoooooky shadows of Old Lady Bates was actually the BANKER wearing a mask...trying to haunt the place. Yeah, we could have had Fantasy Dooby Doo or Scooby Island. I'm going to burn this damn DVD....

Tuesday: That is one heavily recycled title...

I lied.

Frankenstein's Army

     Don't ask me how another found footage film ended up in my list. It just did, and I'm watching it. We start out with a bunch of battle hardened WW2 Russian soldiers making their way through Germany. They receive a distress call so they investigate. At the same time, their communications is also cut off. That probably means nothing, right?

     The film wastes no time and we start seeing body-modded Nazi soldiers. And let me tell you, it's like a gore-goth conventioneers dream! Every fucked up, twisted costume design you can think of made an appearance and they're wicked evil looking.

 They are, however, pretty slow, daunting, and rather clunky. But still cool. 

     Pretty soon it becomes clear that this was more of a planned trip by the Soviet high command as the cameraman was a high ranking officer on a mission. However, after a couple of run-ins with the Nazi super mods, the Russians soldiers abandon the officer and we're left with just him trying to find a way out of the soldier factory. Amazingly, he keeps filming and eventually runs into the 'Doctor' who clues him in on what he's doing...which is pretty weak. Actual WW2 secret weapons stories are far more fascinating. But to hell with that, I liked this movie. It's a fairly short film at 84 minutes, and you won't find a boring spot in it. 

Monday: The last sequel on the DVD. I think I got my money's worth.