Of Diamonds and the Undead

 Zombies of Mora Tau

        This is an oldie from 1957 that reads a lot like an episode of Scooby Doo: A ship rocking some diamonds sinks in the way back olde times, before the turn of the century. Part of the original crew happened upon some sort of sacred ground and found a cask full of diamonds. They tried to bring them back to the ship but were killed by the other half of the crew because of greed. The dead crew became zooooombies and killed everyone standing and then sank the ship, diamonds included. Multiple expeditions have tried to salvage the diamonds, but each one has failed because the ship is cursed. Or rather, the diamonds are protected by a zombie crew that just kills everyone who attempts. 

        This new expedition filled with the latest victims meets with the zombie captains (kinda) widowed wife and she explains the situation and her motives: Raise the diamonds, then destroy them to end the curse and free her husband and crew. She was nice enough to preemptively dig some graves in anticipation for their failure. It was a smart move because one was killed in the first 5 minutes.

This is her grave collection. She collects them.

        Typical b&w drive in horror film and short at only 70 minutes but it'll feel longer. During one of the dives, it seem to become procedural and really drags the movie down, but I guess this week plot needed some garbage time. It's not as fun as some of the later sci-fi drive-ins but it's one I somehow missed and tonight I rectified that. Blah.

Saturday: This is why middle aged hipsters die in horror films.....

How to murder your friends and alienate enemies...

 I'm Just Fucking 

OOooOOOo a Hulu original!!!

        Ah half-wit middle aged hipster and his sister are in town to go to an ex girlfriend's wedding. As he checks into hotel he meets Chester, the night shift. Chester is a practical joker and likes to put people in really awkward situations and at the last minute, blurts out the movie title. He's annoying at first, then second, and by the 3rd time rolls around Chester has murdered a biker, the original owners of the hotel, a cop, and his sister. He's clearly a serial sociopath that likes killing people. 

        And that's really it all there is to this. A movie that tries to be psychological but in reality it's 81 minutes of nothing but cringe with a wet fart of an ending. It's not a battle of wits, it's a battle of twits. The final scene draws out the 'zinger..oooh, gotcha!!' so long, I sighed. I. SIGHED.  This is hard to watch. Harder than watching mmmmmost of the Puppet master movies. Watch something else.

Sunday: Believe it or not, this will NOT be my rock bottom this year...

From Dear Leader with Love...and Famine...and Kidnap...

 Pulgasari

        This film has a lot of baggage. First, it was produced by Kim Jong II, future dictator of North Korea. It was made during the great famine of the 1990s, where anywhere up to 1 million people died due to starvation. The director was kidnapped from South Korea so he could make films for Kim Jong...like I said, a LOT of baggage

        The film is based on the legend of Bulgasari, a metal eating giant chimera. It's also based on an earlier film of the same name made in South Korea. I can only assume the name change was to separate the two. There's no way Dear Leader would give South Korea credit for anything.

        This take place in a much earlier time when kung-fu bandits ruled the countryside. The daughter of the village blacksmith is tending to her chores when she learns her cousin is actually one of those bandits! Her father, the cousin's only real father figure, disapproves and shows great disappointment that he can no longer let him marry his daughter...as a reminder, they are FIRST cousins. Yeah, I know...things were different back then but this movie was written in the 90s and it's a dumb monster movie. We don't need that kind of realism. Because the bandits are so good, the local government is forcing the blacksmith make weapons out of all the farming tools, pots, pans, and other items made of metal. The blacksmith steals it back and is thrown in jail and starved. People starving in North Korea because a merciless dimwitted leader chose weapons over food? How'd that get by the censors.

        Anyhoo, Starvin' Marvin creates Pulgasari totem and blesses it with his death and his daughter bleeds on it, awakning our Kaiju star. Game. On.

        It's no surprise that rampages are pretty benign. It's feudal times and there's not much in line of tall buildings to smash or miniature tanks to stomp. As it starts eating metal, it starts growing and growing. Since the country folk are tired of the provincial government, they decidei to kill the local leader with the help of our metal munching friend. Then it dies, then it's rewakend, then the villagers have to kill it because its diet requires a LOT of iron. Our damsel in distress, who has a blood link with the monster, sacrifices herself by hiding in a bell that Puli-G eats. She dies, he dies and everything turns to dust. The End.

        There are theory's that this was a jaded attempt to exemplify the pitfalls of capitalisms, but there's just too many parallels to DPK's own government history to really believe that. It really works against Sung's, Jong's, and Un's ideals. Those ideas being take food from your people to build better weapons.

Thursday: Sequel time!!!

Everyone needs a hero...but in this case they need a coroner...

 Maniac Cop 2: Electra Glide Boogaloo

        What can I say? It's a sequel to a movie about a cop with a deformed face and nuclear levels of PTSD. In our last film, he's shown impaled by a huge pole and driven into the ocean. Everyone assumed he died, but nope, Officer Cordell is on the loose again, killing pretty much everyone. Even good clean cops, even store clerks that are being robbed. I would go as far as to say primarily innocent people and this asshole is the biggest victim shamer there is! He even befriends a rapist!

"Time to victimize the victims!!!"

    And that's really the movie in a nutshell: Kill Kill Kill!!!  Stab Stab Stab!!!  Got a kitty-cat stuck in a tree, little girl? This dickehads solution would be to get the cat, hang it by its neck, and impale the little girl on a branch. When I'm rooting for the everyone BUT the monster...ya got one bad film there.  And better than all of that is the end! Somehow this dick-chin got buried with full honors in the same damn graveyard as all the other good cops he killed. It REALLY tidies up the whole film.

All star cast!

Bruce Campbell!...dies in the first 20 minutes.

Robert Z'Dar's chin!

Robert Davi, everyone's favorite ensemble character actor that plays a cop or wise guy!

Claudia Christian and her always surprised eyebrows!

Danny Trejo playing, you guessed it, a prisoner! 

Friday: Not going to lie, this ones a snoozer....

A return to my favorite city in Jersey...

 Class of Nukem High 3

    Finally, some sanity has returned to our realm. The world owes Lloyd Kaufman a debt of gratitude. Needless to say, I'll be quick about this one because it's 0% meat and 100% insanity. 

        Our film starts with a giant rampaging squirrel. Welcome back to Tromaville. After its quick defeat, we're given a flashback of the second movie, the equally insane Class of Nukem High 2. That takes a really long time! 25 minutes before we get to the regular story. And trust me...there's no need to pay close attention to the story. That's the magic of a Troma film: Zero expectations of a good plot so you won't be disappointed. Bad acting, over acting, nuclear waste jokes, and a helicopter trying to feed a giant poison acorn to a giant nuclear squirrel all in the first 5 minutes.

    All I can really say is there's plenty over the top violence, lots of bewbs, whacky silliness, 'jokes', and...did I mention bewbs? Yeah, there's a lot of that. Like I said, ignore the plot and welcome the chaos.

All Star cast includes:

Brick Bronski

Tromie The Mutant Squirrel

...and the rapist Ron Jeremy. Ewwww!!

Wednesday: One from north of the 38th parallel...

Rock n Roll Octopus or Octopus made of stone?

 Rocktapussy

        The full title of this film is Astonishing Tales Of Terror: Rocktapussy! But fuck thats a long title. Rocktapussy will do.

        A long time ago, miners stumble upon a new chamber while doing mining things and wake up what's clearly a octopus in the bedrock, surrounded by acid-ink spewing horseshoe crabs. Only one survives. Time to bring out the strippers!!!....seriously, the next scene is in a modern day stripclub. But the jokes on you because the main dancer is actually a news reporter doing undercover work. But she was still in a bikini and thong. Seems like an extreme way to get the story but we just saw a tentacle  in an underground cavern with no water or any way to gather sustinunce. We're not working with a strong script.

        Speaking of weak scripts, our story finally gains some traction: At the same mine, 50 years later, a presentation is underway to show a new form of mining with lazzzooors but is interrupted by crazy old man who warns them not to mine in that area and then just detonates himself all over the walls and everyone else. As the victims regroup and make their escape, we're treated to a crappy dungeon crawl fill with lava, unnecessary personal dramady, and...of FFS, ancient tombs. Hail Mary's, lazzzooor grenades, ancient rituals, side boob, and junk science. Needless to say, this movie got waaaay off base and I'm rooting for the rocktapus because this shitshow needs to end. Sadly, the hell lasts for 90 minutes and you might start a game of Pokemon Live to help you through this. I can't even make fun of this movie properly. Blah!

Tuesday: Alma maters suck....