Say perhaps to drugs....

 Conaine Shark

      In our opening scene, some dork steals a lame-named drug called HT25 and it's made from sharks. Sounds awesome but it has side effects for the sharks that include mutations. Mutations like Crab Shark!

Handsome!

Bat shark!

Mouthy!

And Sharpedo!

120hp!!!

        This entire story also revolves around an under cover cop infiltrating a shark drug gang. I don't know what this Miami Shark Vice storyline has to do with any of these mutations, but it's happening. I only know that not enough people are dying of shark attacks! Everyone involved in the making of this tightly packed coil of cinematic mastery should be deported to France.

Disclaimer: None of the mutant sharks ever snort coke. Utter twat-wafflery.

Tuesday: Sequels are always better, right? RIGHT???

The tradition continues...

Jurassic Shark 

           This is getting to be a tradition. Every year I find 7 bad shark movies and dump them on you. So let's get this started

       Fake scientists argue amongst themselves if they're drilling too deep for oil. One was right, and there was an explosion that destroyed the lab/refinery and thankfully every bad actor in that scene. Of course this means that a megalodon from a million years ago is awakened and we now know who to root for. Soon we cut to thieves running from the law with a stolen painting. Two of them are eaten by a shark after they capsize on a boat because boat getaways always work on the mainland. Then some semi-hawt workbuddies show up to do some beaching and one of them is eaten and I'm so damn proud of this shark. They run into the thieves and decide to both make their way out of the forest. However the pact doesn't last long and the thieves force the dimwits-in-distress to rescue the painting from the lake. I guess it's a fresh water shark. Several more people get eaten including the ring leader and sadly 2 dimbos survive. Bummer!

Right on, brother! Nom on!

Monday: Sharks sure do like cocaine...

Woof Woof...

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I don't think he's part of the union....

 Maniac Cop 3

        Voodoo priest raises the dead cop and it's time for murder spree!!!!

        Cops doing cops things, failing terribly. One nutjob in particular robs pharmacy  and attempts to do every drug in the place while over-acting and killing 3 cops while wounding 1 badly. That cop is rushed to the hospital and declared brain dead. 2 scummy reporters film the whole thing and use it to frame the wounded cop and tarnish her name. But not on Maniac Cops beat! He kills the nurse, doctor, and some rando by means of defibrillator, x-ray machine, and duck hunt!

        Next up, Maniac Cop wacks the 2 reporters responsible for the veggie-cop. Good cop:) ! Releases the druggie that robbed the pharmacy and killed 3 officers. Bad cop:( ! Detective McKinney kills escaped druggie. Good Cop:) ! Maniac Cop kidnaps Veggie-Cop. Very BAD cop:(!

        Maniac Cop wants the voo-doo-doo priest to resurrect Veggie Cop in the same way he was. However, her soul does not want to come back and M-dawg throws a massive hissy fit and kills the priest, catching her and himself on fire in the process. This is the third time in as many movies that The Big M has been set on fire. Boy likes being burned, the weirdo. After a completely unnecessary car chase, Maniac is blown up with on oxygen tank. Did I mention he was on fire the ENTIRE TIME?!?

    The end, for now. Hell, the movie is over 30 years old so a sequel isn't likely. But never rule out a reboot.

Friday:

"My name is Band....Charles Band. and I make 'movies'

 Barbie & Kendra Storm Area 51

        There's a man named Charles Band. He makes movies for Full Moon Features. He's also OWNS Full Moon Features and that makes it a lot easier to be a director of your own movie. He's responsible for all Puppet Master, Evil Bong, and crap-ton of other really bad movies. And he's also reponsible for this:

        Nitwit vapid bimbos act stupid in front of a green screen while action scenes from other movies play in the background. That is until the MST3K-esq voice over begins and the silliness starts. Don't worry about the plot, it's all over the place and that's going  happen when you mash classic trash movies together like The Day Time Ended and Space Thing. That's the short story. There's no long story because the plot is just witty dialog and boob jokes. And lots of boobs.

        Truthfully, I love these movies. When I was young in the 90's, I watched MST3K every chance I got and this reminds me of that and I'm also a sucker for spoof movies. No, it's not drop-dead funny, but you'll smile and it's only 50 minutes.  

        One thing of note...they never ACTUALLY storm Area 51. They just sat and watched TV.

Saturday: This is going to be a hairy one....

Gutter bawls!!!!

 Sorority Babes In The Slimeball Bowl-A-Rama 2

        Jesus tap dancing Sally, Full Moon, can you not make a full 90 minute movie anymore?

        Idiot bimbo "college" students are gearing up for a pledge night party. Odd that they're still in college , since most of these bimbos are in their 30s, but hey!  Movie Magic! Anyway, one of the original cast members returns to warn the current sorority leader about a curse placed on the house because of the events in the first movie. She laughs it off, walks away and that means it's time for a shower scene....that's censored. Tubi does not care about nudity so I'm not sure why the hell they did that considering there's very clearly nipples in other scenes.

        Meanwhile a trio of idiots with peens start watching the 'babes' via spy cameras they installed earlier. Must have a thing for MILFs. They get busted and are forced to drive the women to a bowling alley. Not a night club, a fucking bowling alley. YES>-- I know it's in the title of the movie, but wouldn't a night club be a better idea? Once the group of dunder-heads commit breaking and entering (because it's closed, nobody bowls anymore), it's time to dance bowl!!! Somehow they find beer and all of the sexual predators get to live out their 'hot for teacher' moment. Or was it hot step mommy moment? Whatever, where is that damn monster?!? 30 minutes (halfway) through the movie and no bloodshed!

        Finally after 36 minutes, the monster show's itself!...and it's a fucking silicone hand puppet. 

        As a thanks for freeing him, the imp grants wishes...but we all know that wish-givers are complete dicks.  All the granted wishes are horribly flawed: One of the peens wants to be a famous wrapper, so the imp turns him into a candy bar wrapper and eats him. The other peen wants 'shit-tons of cash, brah!" and shits himself to death, spraying money out of his ass...ect...ect...ect...still no blood yet....

        ....and there won't be any. The stupid imp is put back in his bottle prison by going all Rumpelstiltskin after having his name, Harold, said out loud.

        This is obviously a far cry from the original, which was bad enough in it's own right. But that was an '80s boob movie and we accepted that and stayed up late on Friday and Saturday nights to watch it on Cinemax. But this film? This isn't fit to stream.

Thursday: The 3rd and final sequel of a franchise nobody knew about....

I miss the '80s

Meh-ow..or something.....

Cocaine Cougar

        Yes...this is a rip-off of Cocaine Bear. And I'm fine with this. We knew this was going to happen. The world (mostly just me) loves bad movies and every year I look forward to seeing just how dumb they can get. And this is no exception....

        I'll be brief because this movie is brief, clocking in at 50 whole damn minutes: An L.A. County lab has lost track of one of it's black cougars. And what did the big kitty do as soon as it got out of prison? Score some damn Bolivian Marching Powder. Booger sugar. Blow. Flake. Tropical snow. You get the idea. Kitty likes it's coka!!!

        Giant bulk of this movie is stock footage with dumb, ham-fisted action. Stars? You don't know anyone in this movie. But you know who's missing from this? A REAL cougar. 

That look real to you? Of course not!!!

        Not only is it CGI, it's 1996 Transformers Beast Wars CGI. Ya know what? Fuckit, I'm calling it Cheetor from here on. As far as I'm concerned, Cheetor couldn't kill enough of these people to satisfy me. But worst of all? There was no ending! It just dropped off like a kid drops a toy they're no longer interested in. Just drop it on the floor and walk out the room. I would suggest the writers do a lot of drugs before starting on their next script. If they can stretch out House Shark for 112 minutes, why the hell couldn't they get at least 60 minutes out of this? Just throw whatever at that script, the crazier the better. It's not like we have high expectations on the quality of this film, the title alone being my proof.

 

Wednesday: Do women really still join sororities?

Over the hump we go....

 Invasion of the Bee Girls

        From the deepest parts of the '70s comes this really crappy movie about secret government project that turns women into sexual predators. No, for reals! Guys start dropping off like flies from the same thing over and over: Congestive heart failure. The reason why? They're getting fucked to death by women that have been doped up with a super-serum made from bees!

        As the police, special agent Agar,  and local doctors investigate, it becomes clear there's only one solution: Abstinence. Yeah, telling people not to have sex always works. Naturally the town-folk tell them the get bent and continue doing things with their ugly parts. Seeing how that didn't work, they send in the military to quarantine the town. Guess how well that worked?

        Anyhoo, special agent Agar suddenly becomes a scientist and starts researching insect mating habits. Whether or not this helps his investigation is pretty clear when he fails to develop an 'ah-ha' moment. Instead, it was more like he just watched a bunch of entomology porn while another guy is humped to death with Rimsky-Korsakov's Scheherazade is playing in the background.

        There's also a scene that shows the Bee-girl making process and FFS it drag this movie to a grinding halt! It's a stupid boring scene that doesn't fit in with the rest of the movie.

        Eventually, Special Agent Agar moves in and destroys the equipment used to make that last scene overly boring and finally ends the movie, giving us the release we deserve. After 80-some minutes of this crapfest, I feel like I should be given a medal for surviving it.

Tuesday: Hot Cougar Action!!!

How to confuse holidays...

 Beasterday: Here Comes Peter Cottonhell        

           This is what happens when smart asses makes movies. It's a horror story about a 30ft easter bunny. But it's also a comedy. So it's a Horromedy? Whatevs, it's a story about a gigantic rabid bunny killing people in the most ridiculous ways possible.  It just kills, doesn't eat. Duh...rabbits are vegetarian. To stop the reign of what-the-fuck-ever is a rag-tag team of under achievers working for a company called A Dog Catcher In The Rye. Cute. Anyhoo, this teams includes a small town guy with a massive inferiority complex and an actor that WISHES she was good enough to be washed up. Everyone, including the mayor, is in complete denial (well, except for the victims). It's up to a complete idiot to stop the stupid rabbit and it's dumb reign of kinda terror...by dressing up like a carrot and luring it into a trap.

It's dumb. It's dumb and kinda humorous. But mostly dumb.

Monday: Another poorly done classic....