Leave my cat alone, you sick nut-job!!!

Re-Animator

     Based on the HP Lovecraft story, we meet creepy Herbert West in Switzerland "ALLEGEDLY" trying to bring his professor back to life by injecting him with some magic serum. Instead, the serum makes the poor professors eyes explode and die again. Swing, and a miss....

     We next find him Stateside, starting new classes at a university and immediately hits it off with his professor by basically calling him a hack. Next, he rooms up with a fellow student, and also hits it off with his new roommate by re-animating his dead cat. Then he reanimates a corpse, and it kills the Dean of the University. Then he re-animates said Dean...This guy KNOWS how to make friends.

     The rest of the film develops into another story filled with double-cross, black mail, and a whole lot more nudity than I was expecting. Seeing a bare-ass 40-something female corpse dance around was actually refreshing. They could have gone with a bimbo. Same with the males. Droopy, sagging moobs and receding hairlines. And the crowning scene? Attempted Decapitated Cunnilingus:

Can I show boobs here? Meh..I'm showing boobs....

Sunday: The right tool for the job....

I HATE gingerbread men...

GingerDead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust

     <sigh>...Here I am again, watching stupid walking-talking cookie disguised as a horror franchise star. Once again, I've set myself up to watch an absolutely terrible movie. I knew it was before I saw it, but I picked it out anyway. I knew it would be groan inducing, but I said to myself 'yeah, I want to see this'.

     Our shitty little cookie cutter star is back, and running rampant on the set of a super-low budget film studio. His mission? To get into a real body. Then things get convoluted because there's also a terrorist bombing plot as a side story...that happens at about the 3/4 mark. There's  some stabbing, some chopping, anal electrocution, and the best part...the credits!

     Would you believe this is actually better than the first film? For reals, it is! But that's not saying much. At one point, puppets showed up (including one made out of a dildo) and spiked that stupid cookie to a cross and lit him on fire.

Second from the left? Yeah....that's a plastic dick.

      Thankfully, it's only 67 minutes so you won't be in pain for too long.

Activities include:

Murder!

Masturbation!

Punny One-Liners!

Cookie Crucifixion!

SATURDAY: Let's go sailing on the Lovecraft....

Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller...

Or C.H.U.D. for short

      In 1984, all I really cared about was playing with my friends, watching He-Man kick the  hell out of Skeletor, and Garbage Pail Kids. We didn't have a VHS player, so we had to rent the machine overnight and grab a couple tapes. I was never allowed to rent a horror film, but I always walked through them to check out the sleeves and always wondered just how scary they really were. One that always caught my eye was C.H.U.D.  Time to find out if this would have scared me...

     We start with a hapless woman walking her dog in the street at night in NYC. Not sure why she's walking down the MIDDLE of the street, but there she is. As she nears a manhole cover, something nasty reaches out of it and sucks her and her poor dogie in. We've met our first C.H.U.D.!
Strange things start happening in the sewers and the homeless that live down there beginning to arm themselves. 3 different people start investigating the oddities and watching them converge to the same conclusion is done really well. While this wasn't a big budget film, the writing is very strong in ways that we're not used to seeing. But also ham-fisted in other scenes. But you'll find yourself ignoring them or smiling to yourself when you remember this was an '80s horror flick involving NYCPD.  This includes one of the most improbable car explosions I've ever seen. As far as the F/X go, it seemed at first that they were going to be cheesy and cheap. But they knew which scene to spend the money on and where to skimp.

     Call it a period piece, but I liked it. I remember a lot of the 80s, and this brings me back to a time when there was no internet, no cell phones, no CGI, and no Michael Bay.  Don't get me wrong, I don't want to go back there, but it's nice to check in on it every once in a while.

Future star watch:

Daniel Stern!
John Goodman!


Friday: Oh, you're a stupid little half-assed cookie/cracker hybrid....

I can't believe I put off a Devils game to watch this stoner 'horror' film...

Evil Bong 2: Devils Harvest or King Bong

     As you know, I'm compulsive with sequels, and once I start, I need to finish the series. For some damn reason, I once watched Evil Bong. I thought it would be a light, silly film. Oh, and I was right,  but I forgot about how out of touch I am with drug culture. Or never was, to be honest. So here I am, on a Wednesday night, watching the sequel to a movie about sentient bongs and a bunch of pot smoking dude-bros. I could be watching hockey, but no. I made a commitment to watch this damn film. Let the groans begin....

     The dude-bros start to notice symptoms from their last encounter with Eebee the talking bong. Most notably, insatiable appetite, narcolepsy, and increased libido.  But all individually, and all to the extreme. One has morning wood attacks all day, one gains 500 lbs, and so on. They travel to a jungle to track the roots of Eebee and to find a cure for these ailments.  Once there, they smoke some 'killer' weed and are cured (groan). But that's only half of this lame story, which is odd because I didn't think there was enough plot to break into 2 pieces. Anyhoo, the other half is they find an even bigger sentient bong named King Bong and he's protected by a tribe of naked hotties named the Poontang tribe (groan). Hits are taken, some bewbs are seen, and an amulet is smashed, the movies over, and I'm out 90 minutes of my life. This is hard to say, but the first movie actually had a deeper plot. Otherwise, same corny weed puns, same dude-bro speak, and I'm just glad it's over.

Some highlights or whatever:

I didn't bother to learn anybody's name other than Rabbit, the delivery guy

Rabbit is turned into a giant jay and almost smoked

How the hell did they string this out for almost 90 minutes? I could only shake out a paragraph.

Thursday: The genesis of Bud

If it involves a prison, butt-holes are sure to be near...

Human Centipede 3: The Final Sequence

   
     The good news is, we are told, this is the last one. That means no more ass-to-mouth horror fetish.

     We 'finish' the series in a prison run by seriously disturbed and unstable warden played by the doctor from the first film.  The plan is to maintain better control of the prisoners by turning them, you guessed it, into a human prisoner centipede. That's the long of the short. Clearly, this prison has no oversight whatsoever. Even with the governor visiting early in the film, it is clear that nobody checks on how crazy this place is. Not only is the warden completely out of his mind, but the prison doctor doesn't even have a license. That's pretty much the only reason the he goes along with the plan.
     I can't tell if this is a departure from the first two, or the third in an over the top franchise. What I do know is, the warden LOVES to yell! He spends the first hour YELLING AT EVERYTHING!!! It's just annoying. Nonetheless, the process begins, and everyone is sewed together, ass to mouth. And thankfully, they show most of the procedure this time....just in case you had any curiosity about that.

Tom Six is an ass freak.

Sadly, that's about it. There's not much meat on this boner of a film, but I did take tally of some unusual things:

Castration!
Abdominal incision rape!
Comatose rape!
Poop eating!
Eric Roberts!

Wednesday: What was I smoking when I picked this out?

Well, what did you expect? It's another damn Nazi zombie movie.

Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead

     So we pretty much start where the first film left off.  Nazi zombies just wanna have fu-uun. And by fun, I mean slaughter lots of people trying to steal their gold. At this time, I'd like to point out that they probably stole it from Jews. So it's not like it was really theirs to begin with. But they're Nazis. This is just one of the many horrible things they do. Since the zombies were woken in the first film, it's time they got busy and accomplish their original mission: Destroy some stupid town. In the first movie, the Nazombies were simple. They just chased and killed. In this film, they're much more active in things like recruiting, killing, and administering magical powers. Yeah, that last one is a new one. Instead of using zombie bites to infect and propagate, they now use a magical power to wake them once they've been killed. It involves touching them with an enchanted hand. After some arm swapping early in the film, it's now become apparent that in order to combat the Nazombie army, you need to find a graveyard filled with Red Army POW's and wake them up through a process called “magic transplanted arm re-animating”. 

     I know it's been a couple of years since I saw the first film, but I don't remember it being this silly.  It really had a more serious tone for a horror movie. But from the start of this film, that veneer fell away quickly as I watched a scene in which Nazi tank drivers used a victims upper intestine to siphon fuel from a bus to a tank. A tank, I might add, that was a static display and probably hadn't moved in 70+ years. But hey, it's a Nazi zombie movie. Try not to over think it. And as always, I have proof:

I know you're zombies, but don't you think you should rinse that out first? You know what's in it, right?

    Despite the comical path the second installment went, I did like the movie. Mostly because of the the black humor seen throughout, and some of the kills were just over the top violent. The acting and f/x were pretty decent as well, so it's worth your time if you absolutely NEED to see a Nazi Zombie movie.

Tuesday: Time for the third sequence....

Punk never died, it just goes to bed at a more reasonable time..

He Never Died

     Starring Henry E-ffing Rollins!!! Henry plays Jack, an immortal cannibal. He's trudging through life, trying to keep level in order to fight his cannibalistic urges and stay clean. This includes lots of eggplant parmesan and church bingo. Somehow, he integrates into society well enough, but stumbles once in a while and eats a person, or more accurately, their throat. These things happen. His daughter shows up, then some lame mafioso show up...and the blood starts to flow.

     While not a fast paced movie, this is a great watch. While the plot is thin as hell, the deadpan humor made the movie. I can't tell if it's because that's how Henry is playing the roll, or if it's unintentional. Whatever, it works like a charm. I've noticed that often times when I really like a movie, I struggle to find words. Where as terrible movies, I can go on and on and on and on....You get the idea.

Monday: Nazi zombies....why does it always have to be Nazi zombies......