That is NOT a Damn Doll...

 Doll Shark

        Some dipshit standing in front of a green screen acting bad at acting professes his hate for a demon shark. So he kills it, and steals a tooth for his son. The shark laughs at him menacingly as it escapes. The dipshit is NOT a good shark killer. The father, not having EVER seen a horror movie in his entire life, puts the shark tooth inside a stuffed animal shark and sends it to his son for his birthday gift. Demon Sharkularity ensues and naturally, it starts killing everyone but the kid. I would like to note that a stuffed animal is NOT doll. And a very NOT scary one at that. Once the fluffy shark is defeated, dear daddy took the tooth out of the toy...and threw it back into the ocean because HE'S STILL COMPLETELY IGNORANT TO HORROR MOVIE RULES. Damn it, what'd you do that for?!? Nobody wants a sequel to this shart of a film! And that's how sequels happen!!!

        So this is how I end Shark Week®? Another shit-show featuring grown-ass adults getting killed by a stuffed animal? Another bad example of shark CGI? I love sharks in implausible situations, but I need more than a cool title and badass movie poster. Maybe a story not put together by the local convince store clerks and community theater rejects? Maybe it's time for a new animal theme...

Sunday: The final 3

A Movie That Pushes You To The Edge....

Jersey Shore Shark Attack

        I love it when the title makes it easy root for the shark.The entire movie is just a spoof of the Jersey Shore lifestyle, or more accurately, how it's fed to us. Do you really care that off shore oil drilling is attracting the sharks? No, we're happy of that fact. Do we care about the social conflict between the Guidos and the Biebers? No. What we need is a resilient shark that can eat all of that HGH-laced beefcake and silicone. One that can handle a nearly infinite amount of bronzing spray and pomade. Something that can survive MTV circa 2012.

Simply put, shark...

Sadly, some of the vapid idiots survive, so it's more of a sad ending. But don't be too sad; there was a formidable body count and I'll take it as win.

This Cast!!!:

Tony Sirico

Joey Fatone

William Atherton

Paul Sorvino

Sonny Carl Davis aka Rabbit from Evil Bong...yeah, that fucking guy....

Saturday: Final stupid shark movie of the year!...but we've yet to hit rock bottom yet....

The Theory of Evolution, and its Social Counter-point....

Shark Shock a.k.a Trailer Park Shark

        In the humble trailer park community of Soggy Meadows lives a man with a dream. A dream to live in a house without wheels. A dream of owning a house with a basement. But evil lurks in the shadows, planning the entire community's demise for the sole purpose of greed. And there's a shark. So grab a cold one, fry up some mayonnaise  sammiches, and watch a story about pain, triumph, and another fresh water shark.

        Evil land baron wants to rid himself of a trailer park that he owns in order make room for some hydroelectric plant. He does so by blowing up a levee which in turn floods the park. It also somehow allows a shark in and it immediately stalks all the surviving members of the trailer park. To make matters worse, evil land baron sends in a clean up crew to get rid of anyone who survived the flood. Oh, AND the shark has gained the power of electricity and uses it to subdue victims and disable jet skis. This damn script wrote itself!

Sadly, the movie isn't perfect: Tara Reid makes a cameo. Does anyone remember why she's semi-famous? No worries, the shark eats her. No idea if it was able to keep her down.

        It's goofy, somewhat funny, and so far the best shark movie on this years list. It was truly a breath of fresh air.

Friday: We all know to root for the shark, right?

It's Where The Monsters Go

 Nightbreed: The Director's Cut
1990

Okay, I'm a little annoyed. I just bought this digital edition only to discover it's literally the same movie Prime Video offers free. It's been a long time since I watched this flick so I can't really tell if they've misslabelled the film. I'm not motivated enough to dig into it any further so...

As you know, this is based on Clive Barker's "Cabal" - a novella in the Books of Blood series. Cabal is hands down my favorite story. I read it long after seeing the movie and now seeing the film again just makes me love the novella more. I read a rumor that they were going to remake Nightbreed and I was apprehensive. Now I wish they would because the movie (or at least the version I just watched) leaves out some things that were important to certain aspects of Boone's transformation.

For instance, it's true that Boone seeks Decker's help because he has night terrors - intense nightmares where he's chased by monstrous creatures - but also because he can't be physically intimate with his girlfriend Lori. In the novella, Lori is one of the few people - if not the only person - that Boone has in his life. Her devotion to him is palpable and it aggrieves him that he can't consummate their relationship. When he dies and is reborn, he laments that he can't give her the life they deserved together (read: a family). All of this is glossed over in this cut, including the fact that they end up making love for the first time in the jail cell after she accepts him.

Anywho, I had like two pages of notes on this but now I'm pissed that I paid to watch the same movie i just saw free. Instead, I include some random observations:

Peloquin - the Midianite whose bite is the catalyst for Boone's transforation - was always sexy to me. However, I never noticed before that he's dressed kind of like a pirate.

I'm still trying to figure out what made the dog-carrying dude a Midianite. He looked hella normal to me.

There's a point in the film, while she is going Trespasser Karen in Midian, where Lori touches a wall and it bounces. Gotta love rubber sets.

Decker was very soft spoken. That right there should have been a dead give away that he was the killer.

I need Rachel's gray hooded lace cloak.

The movie that ruined Shark Week Hump Day...

 Sharks of the Corn

        Yeah, the title just doesn't work for me. And who the fuck is Steven Kang? It takes big brass balls to put your name on this cinematic abomination. 

        Dumb plastic shark, ass-loads of stock footage that's better than the actual filmed parts. Half an hour into this and you'll be begging for the stock footage. It's the only thing that makes sense in this trainwreck. The movie is all over the place and I can't keep up! Theres sharks 'swimming' in the corn, eating people, Bigfoot shows up for no reason, I think there's a shark themed serial killer that's possessed by a shark? There's some side story money, thugs, and a briefcase, Stonehenge....ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!....and it goes on for an hour and 45 minutes! Why so damn long? I nearly fell asleep twice sitting through this crapfest. Who needs melatonin when you have this giant sleeping pill? And the climax, if you want to call it that, was a wet greasy fart. This movie is Quaalude-incarnate! You pricks are giving shark week a bad name!!!

Thursday: Shocking!!!!...

More Idiots, More Sharks...

Jurassic Shark 2

        Watching this movie served no other purpose than to feed my incessant need to watch sequels. 

        The big shark is still out there, and is being tracked by the same people that let it out in the first movie. More drilling, more evil corporate idiots, more non-evil-corporate idiots...I guess that just makes them regular idiots. This damn shark can't kill enough of them. Really, there's nothing more to this movie. It's bad, boring, and even though it's a stiff breeze at 70 minutes, it's still too long. Be the better person and avoid this.

Wednesday: I just don't get the title....