A boy and his dog

No, NOT the Don Johnson film...

Frankenweenie

     I love ending the season on a light film and this seemed like the best option. This is the 2012 stop motion film from Tim Burton & Disney, not to be confused with the 1984 live action film...also from Tim Burton & Disney. I would like to note that Disney originally fired Tim for 'wasting $1 million' in making the 1984 version.

     Victor Frankenstein is a nerdy young man with a penchant for science and a dog, Sparky. Sparky is a really goood boooy! and also helps Victor make home movies. Victor also has few friends which is why he makes movies with his dog. On the encouragement of his father, he tries something called 'basesballs', whatever that is. This proves fatal for Sparky after running to fetch the ball he just hit out into traffic. Sparky is killed and he becomes a sad nerdy young man with a penchant for science. That might be considered growth.

     After witnessing his science teacher use galvanism on a dead frog, he's inspired to dig up his dead dog and try it out. He's successful and Sparky is back in action. However, in what I assume is a sub-conscience reluctance to play God, he hides his amazing feat...only to be ratted out by the only kid creepier and lonelier than him:

     His name is Edgar, and he blackmails Victor into helping him bring a fish back to life. While also successful, things run afoul when Edgar shows the reanimated ghost fish to competing science project nerds and suddenly EVERYBODY is lighting up dead animals like it was a High Times Magazine festival in Denver (I'm not sure if they actually do that, but you get the idea). Naturally, this has a downside: Because they did it slightly different, they all mutate and wacky high jinks ensue.

Since it's a Tim Burton film, you can guess the animation looks a lot like Nightmare Before Christmas and The Corpse Bride, though this is a much lighter film similar to Monster House. It's worth a watch and really...Sparky is the best.

And that's it!!! 31 in the books and about half of them should never had been made. Grabbers and Murder Party were the sleeper films with Sharkenstein coming in as the absolute worsts of the year. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go read a book or something....

Maybe part of me wanted this mistake to happen...

Fire & Ice

     OK, first of all this isn't horror film. Someone suggested it, I like Ralph Bakshi films, so I said 'why not?' Well, they were wrong. It's a D&D fantasy film but it's on my list, I'm still watching it.

     Nekron and his mother Juliana are in a conquering mood and decide to make the land of Firekeep their bitch. Nekron, being wizardy, sends a wall of glaciers to plow through to Firekeep and force a surrender. After making some serious progress, Nekron sends some 'ambassadors' to King Jerol for negotiations. He turns them down, so they steal his hawt daughter Teegra....who apparently hates clothing.

That's not a swimsuit. That's her leisure wear.

     Larn, a lone survivor from a village on the outskirts of the kingdom that was wiped out by Nekron's soldiers is just trying to survive and runs into Teegra, who had just escaped from her idiot captors.

Larn, you're a hunky slice of cheddar, but that name.....LARRRN.

     They hit it off right away but a serious cock-block encounter with her captors tears them apart and now his mission is to rescue her. Then we meet Darkwolf. He's a complete bad-ass warrior and has a major "kill Nekron" boner.

Did you REALLY need to kill a wolf for that stupid hat?!?

      He teams up with Larn and they fight, kick, punch, axe, and stab their way to Nekron's keep. Larn rescue's his new main squeeze, Darkwolf kills Nekron, and everybody is happy in the end...

...except for all the wildlife that was killed when Jerol gives the order to flood AN ENTIRE FOREST with lava. LAVA!!! Everything in the land they were trying to protect died because he went nuclear! Teegra, your dad sucks!

Thursday: Finale

It's a little more than upper lip hair....

My Mom's a Werewolf

     Poor Leslie is a bored housewife that cooks garbage for dinner and has an equally bored husband.  On a shopping trip to get a flea color for their dog, she meets John Saxon. John REALLY likes sunglasses and there's also something strange about him.

     Leslie, still bored, is almost conned into a cheap affair with Mr. Saxon, but his poor bedroom etiquette kills the mood....and turns Leslie into a werewolf. That's why you use protection and stay away from randoms, Leslie!!!

Boundaries, dude, boundaries.

     From there we're off to a wacky '80's comedy about a middle aged suburban housewife battling societies preconceived notions of werewolf's and their daily trials. It's not funny, John Saxon dies in the end, and I'll never get that time back. The good news is, there's not one fucking doll in this movie.

Wednesday: My annual Mulligan...

#10

Hellraiser: Judgement

     There's a serial killer called The Preceptor running around doing 10 Commandment murders (cliche!!!). 2 detectives (eh...brothers) are on the case but little do they know that Pinhead and The Auditor are also involved.

This is the Auditor. He's a bit of a bureaucrat, but I like him.

      Pinhead and the Auditor join together in order to create a more efficient way of  'harvesting souls' (I guess souls are Hell's currency) because the Lament Configuration was becoming obsolete. The case is taking it's toll on the 2 detectives and a 3rd is brought in to lighten the load. After several more horrific murders, Detective Brother #1 is kidnapped and subjected to an inquisition by the Auditor. The judgment has a negative reaction and somehow he escapes.

You can always count on a gas mask to crank up the creep level

     After some running around, detecting, and misc filler, it's revealed that Detective Brother #1 IS the Preceptor and Detective Brother #2 has been screwing #1's wife. However, #1's wife has been habitually cheating on him and after meeting the Auditor, he decides to throw both his wife and #2 to Pinhead in exchange for his freedom. Sadly, Pinhead and A-dawg remind #1 that doesn't work that way and his soul is as doomed as his wife and #2.  'Heaven' intervenes by sending Jophiel to set #1 free....just in time to get blown away by #3. Jophiel is pissed because Pinhead planned on this and completely out-smarted her. Then he tears her apart which is against the rules and Pinhead is sent back to the land of the living to walk the Earth as a puny mortal man. I started rooting for Pinhead after the 2nd movie so this was a bit of a disappointment.

And with that, I'm once again up to date on all the Hellraiser films.

Tuesday: Down to the final 3...

One more bite of this turd sammich

Return to Blood Fart Lake

     If the first Blood Fart Lake movie was filmed on a Tuesday, then this was done on Thursday. Somehow a couple of idiots survived the last killing spree and end up on the way back to that stupid lake. Meanwhile, unbeknownst to them, the murderer from the first film, Jimmy, is back and doing what he does best.

     Jimmy manages to easily kill most everyone and then marries his sister in order to create a new master race of inbred or something. Seriously, I think they forgot to write the end of this film because it was very anti-climatic and empty.

Whatever...just make them all dead.

     Again, the vulgar dialog is the only interesting thing about this movie. But I hope you like spooge jokes because there's a ton of them. The 'acting' is mostly overdone (on purpose, I'm sure.) and it looks like it was filmed on one of the cast's parents farm. The best news I can give you is it's only 85 minutes long...but if you watch it, you'll never get that time back.

Monday: An old friend stops by.....