Cowboys, Vampires, and Priests! Oh my!

 Priest

     The Priest Vs. Vamps war, nearly apocalyptic, has been quelled with humans living in walled up dystopian cities while the vamps are living on reservations. The Priests are specialized vampire killers and have since been disbanded after the last war. Now the vamps are starting to go after humans again in the outer societies, which have a very old western theme. This annoys me because it's the distant future and I hate sci-fi western mash-ups. It's also not hard to see a similarity between this film and age old cowboys vs. Indians films when you consider the savage bloodthirsty vamps are on reservations and the priests are civilized westerners.

     I liked this movie mostly because of the Catholic totalitarian state atmosphere. The priests are bad-assed weapon lords that love killing vampires in very slashy ways. I'd say my only complaint is that Paul Bettany is basically playing Michael from Legion again. However, that makes some sense since both films were directed by Scott Stewart. I have to say, I'd love to see a sequel. Make it happen.

"I'm not sure if you've noticed, but I'm into kinda into organized religions."

Sunday: Well, that's the name of the town, so it better indeed be!

Another swing and a miss....

Did you know that half time time I buy books, I judge it by it's cover?

The Phantom Creeps

     ...is not a horror movie. Oh sure, it has a mad scientist played by Bela Lugosi and a robot with a giant head under his control....but it was just a spy/adventure serial. In fact, my copy was a heavily condensed version where they took all 12 episodes and edited them together in a feature film.

     OK, judge for yourself:

     Evil Dr. Zorka has some great super weapon/toys. They can stop entire armies. His wife dies, he gets pissed and starts taking it out on everyone because he's a selfish bastard. Some dapper Dan from the Army is on his path to stop him at any cost. Even if it means wrassiln' with a giant-headed robot. If this sounds lame, it's because it is. I've see a lot of serials and this this one was sub par given the star  power and story line. I'd gladly go watch SOS Coast Guard before popping this into the dvd player.

I really REALLY need to do my research. I've re-evaluated my list of movies and have assured myself this won't happen again. Honest!...well, there is that tranny one, but we'll get to that one later.

Saturday: He's not THAT kind of priest.

Suck milk, surfer boy!

 The Beach Girls and the Monster

     A timeless classic whose budget most likely hovered around the $75 range. This is a typical lower than low budget surf monster movies from 1965. The plot is thin as angel hair, and there's NO f/x. Unless you count the guy in the rubber mask and seaweed suit. And while you and I both know that it's a guy in a suit, the surprise ending is the fact that it part of the plot! Yeah, they went Scooby Doo (yes, I realize long before Scoob existed) on us. Most of the movie includes surfing, beach dancing (no, white people couldn't dance in the 60's either), and crappy beach parties.

     About the killer? Well, it was someone that everyone knew, but largely unimportant. The ending had a car chase, but I missed it because I had to pull a sty out of my eye that had been bugging the shit out of me all day. That was a higher priority. Oh sure, I could rewind it. But would I have missed some amazing plot twist or super exciting action scene that might have salvaged the other 65 minutes of this film? No....

"Just push play, dude"

….aw screw it. I rewound it, and the antagonist in a rubber suit dies in a fiery CARtwheel off a cliff (see what I did there? CARtwheel? Yeah..that's gold right there). The good news is, his death brought the credits! Yay!

Friday: A classic serial turned into a movie. And it's got a robot!

No, it's not Killer Clowns from Outer Space

 Clown House

     OK, this is better. It's about a 'fraidy kid who, much like me, hates clowns. So, yeah, let's go to the circus! Makes sense. So the three brothers tra-la-la on over to the circus and the youngest has the piss scared out of him. BECAUSE IT TURNS OUT FUCKING CLOWNS ARE AT CIRCUSES. Meanwhile, at the conveniently placed insane asylum just down the street, three patients break free and sneak into the circus, murder some clowns (yay!), and steal the clown outfits and go on a rampage (boo). For some reason, they set their sights on the boys and start terrorizing them in their own home. Naturally, the boys win, but here's some random thoughts about it:

     First, I'm not sure who this movie was geared towards, but the main protagonist are young boys. In contrast, it's got a lot of killing and blood, so it's a bit confusing.

     Second, what happened to the oldest? Did he die? Last we saw of him, he was unconscious and bloody. He's dragged off into another room by the middle brother, but he's never brought up again.

     So in the end, I liked this movie, even though it was a bit dull. It reminded me of a great '80s mid range horror movie that you'd watch with friends on a sleepover.

Thursday: A Monster! Beach Girls!  

Can the sequel out do the original?

NO.

Dr. Phibes Rises Again!

     Dr. Phibes has been in hiding for 3 years since his murderous revenge rampage. Rampvenge? Revpage? Hmm...I'll have to work on that one. Anyhoo, he's been in a state of suspended animation, and reawakens to find his house gone, and his safe robbed. There must have been some sort of treasure map in that safe, because Phibes soon goes crazy mad sick-house on everyone's asses.

     Most of the movie takes place in Egypt, and it's rather boring. It furthers a theory I've had for years that if the background is monotonous and continuous, it'll leave you with the impression that the movie is dull and boring. The bland, sandy background proves my point, but the lack of any originality brings it home. Most of the revenge kills are uninspired and the investigating detectives were completely inept. They're portrayed as two silly dimwits and they're totally out of place.

     The good Dr. is trying to re-animate his wife and he's found a way to do it with what can best be described as the fountain of youth. In Egypt. Yep. It turns out that a man named Biederbeck was the one who stole the safe contents and he's on the same mission. Problem is, he's already swam in it and is probably hundreds of years old. So it's a race to the finish and apparently nobody knows how to share.

     Oh, and one more thing. Peter Cushing also has a spot in the film as, you might want to sit down for this, a stuffy captain of cruise ship. I know! Mindblowing, isn't it!?! 

     Some people think this is equal to or greater than the original. That's a load of bunk. The first had color, a pleasing yet strange storyline, and some better acting. According to Wikipedia, there were several more sequels planned or proposed up until the mid '80s and sadly, they all evaporated. But fear not, I'm sure someone out there will pitch a remake and before you know it, an unnecessary movie is made. Yay.

Wednesday: I fucking hate clowns.

Somebody shut that kid up!

Troll 2

     This movie is legendary for it's horrible acting. And it truly is a legend. They once had a cast reunion in a theater to laud how awful the movie truly was. For that very reason, the movie had a cult following. Now, cult followings clearly have levels and this one fits in the "yeah, I watched once and man, was that movie bad!" category. It's not like you'll prolly ever watch this movie again. Personally, I don't think that warrants calling it a cult movie, or having a cult following, but it may be the best way to explain why people like me go out of their way to watch movies like this.

      I don't really think there's any point in going over the plot because I don't think there IS any plot. Something about a town full of trolls trying to eat a family. That's the best I can deduce. Otherwise, it's just costumed community theater rejects doing what they do best: Suck at acting. Nobody, and I mean NOBODY in this film has any idea what acting might be, let alone look like. Also, by the time this movie is over, you'll be tired of the color green. It's everywhere, and mostly in food. Green cake, green slime, green doughnuts. It really annoyed my eyes.

     Oh, and one more thing. The deus ex machina was almost a cheeseburger, but in the end, it was just down home goodness that reigned supreme. But I'm not kidding about the cheeseburger thing....

And no damn pictures. They all had green in them.

Tuesday: Dr. Sequel, your patient is waiting in exam room 4....

Worst Kung Fu movie, or worser vampire movie

Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires

     I remember Dennis Miller once saying (paraphrasing) “you bust your ass and work as hard as you can, but at the end of the day, fuck it. It's just a vampire hooker movie”. And that kinda sums this turd up. It's not really bad, just some scenes are boring, and the premise is...well, this is going to sound weird coming from me, but it's laughable. And they really try their best to be serious about it which might explain Peter Cushing's presence. But still...Vampire Kung-Fu movie from 1974. And Peter said 'Hells yeah. Sign my ass! Tell that Locust or Lucas or whatever the hell his name is to sit and spin. I'm doing a classic. Oscar-city, bitches!!!”

     To sum up the storyline, a crazy Buddhist monk enlists the help of Drac to wake up 7 Golden Vampire so they can do vampire stuff. I think. I don't know, it was a little confusing and I wasn't really paying attention. Honestly, that was one of the worst Drac's I've ever seen. Christopher Lee must have been busy helping Vinnie Price move that weekend so we're treated to a benign twit filling a cape.

My sister-in-law sells Mary Kay.

     Anyway, the G-Vamps go on rampages and a family of kung fu experts ask for the help of Van Helsing, aka Peter Cushing. Yeah, get the old white guy with little fighting expertise to help destroying 7 bloodthirsty vampires. I'm sure he's a valuable asset to the team.

     And while we're on the subject of Peter Cushing, I would like to note that aside from Star Wars, having him in a movie is a guarantee to some very slow and boring scenes. He's just not a very engaging actor despite his classic training. And NOT ONCE did I see him do a flying kick. Lame.

Monday: I've been told it's one of the worst of the worst. I'll be the judge of that.

    

Superman Meets The Undead

Dylan Dog: Dead of Night
2010

Synopses: After her father is murdered by a monster, a woman calls detective Dylan Dog out of retirement.  You get to spent the next 90-odd minutes watching 2006's Superman take on werewolves, vampires, a giant flesh-eating zombie ,and an undead mega demon god.  All this in pursuit of some ill-got antiquities.

Review: I loved it mostly because it was funny and sort of unique.  Brandon Routh was distracting though.  I mean the guy is HUGE.  He actually looked physically uncomfortable in some scenes...like whenever he was all folded up in that tiny convertible, pretending to fit.  The romantic moments also looked awkward.  He and his costar had absolutely  zero sexual chemistry, and it was a disappointing tease to go from him taking off his shirt, to the gift-giving aftermath with no in-between sweaty nakedness.  BOO!

Sam Worthington was funny as Dylan's newly undead, high strung partner.  The practicality of zombie maintenance addressed here was both brill and disgusting.  I'll admit to not fully getting the hot dog gag...and I don't think I want to.

Why watch it?  Why not?  It's got Kurt Angle!

Kurt Angle and Brandon Routh