John Dies In The End
(2012)
I can't even describe this movie. Everything I write would either not make sense or give away more than I'd like to. Not all the information is even linear. Watch it.
Okay, well, maybe I'll try to explain a little. After a kegger, Dave's(incredibly hot) friend, John, tries a new drug called Soy Sauce. Only, this mind-altering experience isn't so much about getting high as it is about opening dimensions, or possession - and that's just the side effects. Anyway, because of it, he and his friend end up in some really strange situations that somehow seem perfectly normal to them...or they do eventually. See what I mean? This needs to be a series. A Good one.
5/5
Thursday, October 31, 2013
Horror Families are the BESTEST Families!!!
Dark Shadows
What little I've watched of the old
Dark Shadows soap opera, I felt it creepy and moody and had wanted
nothing to do with it. However, when I found out that Tim Burton was
doing a full feature film, I was on board. I know he's had his
misses, but it's hard to fail when Burton and Depp are involved.
The story seems typical: A jilted lover
kills Barnabas parents, lover, and turns him into a vampire. Then,
the bitch has the nerve to get the townspeople to bury him alive in an iron
coffin for 196 years. Modern (well sort of, 1972) day construction
frees him and he reacquaints himself with his long lost family. I
should say that this seems typical as of late, given all the horror
treats we've had over the last 15 years. We're not surprised by much
anymore.
I'll stop short of calling the plot weak because that's not
what this film is selling. This film is selling imagery, nostalgia,
and maybe a little Depp. Actually, a lot of Depp. And Depp's
masterful dialog. And cleavage. Everyone but the 2 youngest women
were literally bursting at the seems. And while everything from
wardrobe, lighting, cinematography, and sound were just top notch,
there were some things I thought were underutilized. For example, the
two ghosts, one of which was Barabas first love. The other was a
victim of Angelique, the film antagonist. I would have though both of
them would have helped a bit more. Oh, and the nostalgia, thankfully,
wasn't ran into the ground like I had thought it might. It was well
placed and quirky, but NOT part of the overall story. The soundtrack
was also outstanding and there's a kick ass cameo by the ugliest
woman known to mankind, Alice Cooper!
I'm glad I saved this for last. It was
the quickest 113 minutes of this season, and my favorite as well. The
lack of a proper epilog and a predictable teaser at the end were the
only real beefs I had with this film. This, I feel, is a must watch.
And that's it! 31 features in 31 days.
My curiosity for never ending sequels may have been the reason most
of my picks were absolutely terrible this year, but as I said on Oct. 1st: This
is the only genre that holds the worst in the same regard as the
best. And I think this year I've seen both.
But I do have one last bonus I'd like
to share with you:
Friday: I'm going to read a fucking book!!!...so god damn tired of movies right now......
Should've Gone With The Craven Flick
The Lost Skeleton of Cadavra
(2004)
Dear God this was boring. It's a spoof of 1950s SciFi films, complete with a ridiculous looking, non-scary monster, a couple of aliens and a talking skeleton. The funniest part of the whole film was when the aliens "disguised" themselves as humans went tried to blend in at an impromptu dinner party. I can't believe this movie has 3.5 stars on Netflix.
A scientist and his wife are tracking a meteor in some backwoods place, at the same time that an alien couple crash-land, and an ambitions doctor of something is hiking, looking for the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra Cave (or was is Canyon?). Everyone wants the chihuahua-size meteor for their own needs. Through in an escaped alien mutant and you've got yourself a movie. I've seen better 50's spoofs.
3/5 ONLY because the uninvited guests scenes were hilarious.
Now on to the movie that I waited all year to watch...
(2004)
Dear God this was boring. It's a spoof of 1950s SciFi films, complete with a ridiculous looking, non-scary monster, a couple of aliens and a talking skeleton. The funniest part of the whole film was when the aliens "disguised" themselves as humans went tried to blend in at an impromptu dinner party. I can't believe this movie has 3.5 stars on Netflix.
A scientist and his wife are tracking a meteor in some backwoods place, at the same time that an alien couple crash-land, and an ambitions doctor of something is hiking, looking for the Lost Skeleton of Cadavra Cave (or was is Canyon?). Everyone wants the chihuahua-size meteor for their own needs. Through in an escaped alien mutant and you've got yourself a movie. I've seen better 50's spoofs.
3/5 ONLY because the uninvited guests scenes were hilarious.
Now on to the movie that I waited all year to watch...
Ireland Will Never Be the Same
Rawhead Rex
(1986)
OMG They don't make them like this anymore.
Some Blarney rubes are trying to remove a stone monolith from the middle of one of their fields without much success. After two of the three leave, the third succeeds in loosening the stone giant enough to release Rawhead Rex (in all his shredded gorilla-suit glory). Now, folks in these parts don't tend to move around a lot, so you'd think that someone might have mentioned the legend of a big leather-clad gorilla demon that's scared of women. I'm just saying...
While Rex redecorates a kitchen and snacks on a few folks, an American historian researching fertility cults has run-ins with a creepy local minister, priest...whatever. Father O'Creepy clearly knows something and is basking in the ignorance of everyone else. Meanwhile the bungling police dismiss the Yank, who attempts to move on to Dublin, only to have his son snatched. Here's a though: don't leave your children unattended when a MURDERER is about.
Rex terrorizes a trailer park and the bumbling police drive back and forth looking for him only to be turned to meat themselves. Really, they were completely inept. I mean a freakin' historian solves the mystery. A historian - that's like the least exciting, least 007 job on the planet next to being a reference desk librarian, and yet his skills outrank the whole police force. The police set up a perimeter at the church...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back from the action. Rawhead (which I'm guessing is a euphemism for an erection) seems to get the men all in a tizzy, baptizing at least one of them with his urine, and is ultimately defeated by a fertility statue. Sometimes I wonder about Clive.
On another note, if you want your clothes to smell like they were just washed, use Downy Unstoppables with Downy Infusions. The scent lasts 12 weeks and will make you want to don a dress made form your drapes and run through the meadows yodeling.
(1986)
OMG They don't make them like this anymore.
Some Blarney rubes are trying to remove a stone monolith from the middle of one of their fields without much success. After two of the three leave, the third succeeds in loosening the stone giant enough to release Rawhead Rex (in all his shredded gorilla-suit glory). Now, folks in these parts don't tend to move around a lot, so you'd think that someone might have mentioned the legend of a big leather-clad gorilla demon that's scared of women. I'm just saying...
While Rex redecorates a kitchen and snacks on a few folks, an American historian researching fertility cults has run-ins with a creepy local minister, priest...whatever. Father O'Creepy clearly knows something and is basking in the ignorance of everyone else. Meanwhile the bungling police dismiss the Yank, who attempts to move on to Dublin, only to have his son snatched. Here's a though: don't leave your children unattended when a MURDERER is about.
Rex terrorizes a trailer park and the bumbling police drive back and forth looking for him only to be turned to meat themselves. Really, they were completely inept. I mean a freakin' historian solves the mystery. A historian - that's like the least exciting, least 007 job on the planet next to being a reference desk librarian, and yet his skills outrank the whole police force. The police set up a perimeter at the church...waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back from the action. Rawhead (which I'm guessing is a euphemism for an erection) seems to get the men all in a tizzy, baptizing at least one of them with his urine, and is ultimately defeated by a fertility statue. Sometimes I wonder about Clive.
On another note, if you want your clothes to smell like they were just washed, use Downy Unstoppables with Downy Infusions. The scent lasts 12 weeks and will make you want to don a dress made form your drapes and run through the meadows yodeling.
Tired of Combusting? Try New Vampisol
Vampires in Havana
(1987)
The son of Dracula invents Vampisol, a potion that allows vampires to walk in the sun, but not all vampires are happy about it so he flees to Cuba. Equal parts gangster movie and vampire flick, this satirical animated comedy is risque and full of bawdy humor and biting sarcasm.
A vampire in hiding from a powerful undead cabal, treats his beloved nephew for a mysterious condition for years. Little does the nephew know, the condition is actually vampirism. The heads of the elite families back in the old country get wind of his whereabouts, and that he's completed his serum. A schism develops between those who want to use the serum to become all powerful, and those who want to see it destroyed. The latter are making a killing running a fake daylight scenario club (I think in New York) and access to the real deal would bankrupt their racket. Both factions descend on Havana.
Meanwhile Junior has gotten himself mixed up with both local mobsters and the cops, who are all gunning for him. He goes to his uncle for help, who informs him that he is a vampire. He doesn't believe until he is shot but does not die. In the midst of all this is his girlfriend, who's trying (but failing) to be virtuous and get a ring on her finger.
This is actually kind of interesting and funny in a Hispanic Benny Hill kind of way, if you can tolerate subtitles and salsa music.
4.5/5
(1987)
The son of Dracula invents Vampisol, a potion that allows vampires to walk in the sun, but not all vampires are happy about it so he flees to Cuba. Equal parts gangster movie and vampire flick, this satirical animated comedy is risque and full of bawdy humor and biting sarcasm.
A vampire in hiding from a powerful undead cabal, treats his beloved nephew for a mysterious condition for years. Little does the nephew know, the condition is actually vampirism. The heads of the elite families back in the old country get wind of his whereabouts, and that he's completed his serum. A schism develops between those who want to use the serum to become all powerful, and those who want to see it destroyed. The latter are making a killing running a fake daylight scenario club (I think in New York) and access to the real deal would bankrupt their racket. Both factions descend on Havana.
 |
| Gold chain-wearing gangster vamps. |
This is actually kind of interesting and funny in a Hispanic Benny Hill kind of way, if you can tolerate subtitles and salsa music.
4.5/5
Wednesday, October 30, 2013
Celluloid is wasted on the Young
Salome and The Forbidden
I'm a fan of Clive Barker. Ever since
I saw the first 2 Hellraiser movies, I was hooked. I started reading
his books and fell in love with his stories, starting with The Books
of Blood. Over the years I've picked up several of his art books and
went so far as to have one of them tattooed on my back. It wasn't
elaborate, colorful, or 'wicked-awesome'. In fact, it was rather
crude. But I always found it sinister, creepy, and dangerous. That
was 19 years ago, and I still love it. What does this have to do with
tonight's film? Well, they're crude, colorless, and certainly NOT 'wicked-awesome'
Tonight is a double feature of very
early student/indie art films by Clive himself. These simple, grainy
films were produced in the '70s and star a very young Doug Bradley
(Pinhead!), and Peter Atkins who wrote most of the Hellraiser and
Wishmaster films along with that terrible live action Fist of the
Northstar film. I'll start with Salome
 |
| ART |
First off, I can't get over how much
the title looks like 'salami'. Infact, that's how I'm going to
pronounce it from here on. I really don't have much to say about it
other than it's black and white, has a couple of people, and they do
things....very....slowly.....as they all do in every art film EVER. I
can't make heads or tails of what the hell is going on or what
they're trying to convey. It most certainly ISN'T horror of any kind,
unless you take into account how horrifying it is to sit through it.
Thankfully, it's short as hell so you won't suffer much. And
naturally, critics panned it because they don't get the fact that
it's over 35 years old, as well as an experimental film done by a bunch
of nobodies. There's no acting because nobody can act. There's no color because nobody has any money. There's no story because nobody can
write very well (yet). I think you get the idea, whereas most
critics are still clueless. Except for Ebert. He was the best. Next up:
 |
| FILMS |
The Forbidden
Ok, this is a bit longer joint. It's
all black and white, and to make matters worse, it's done in
negative. There's a lot of the same thing going on in this film, but
there's a little more horror element to it when you see a man skinned
alive. There's also some guy with an erection dancing around like a
fool. I'm not making that part up. In fact, there's a lot of some
dudes junk in this film.
 |
| SUCK |
And that's it. Neither film had dialog,
color, story, acting....no ANYTHING. The last 15 minutes are
interviews with Barker, Atkins, and Bradley, all still very young
when this was filmed. Honestly, I wouldn't bother with watching it
unless you're a fan of Barker. And even if you are, you'll notice
it's really just some young men playing with a camera so don't get
your hopes up.
Thursday: Drama! The Undead! My Final Entry!
Grindhouse?
Werewolves On Wheels
(1971)
What the heck did I just watch?
Some bikers do drugs, fight, drink, get mixed up with a sect of Satanists, and develop lycanthropy - which does not hamper their ability to ride. Either this was a really shitty movie or that wasn't ibuprofen that I took.
A tarot-reading biker named...Tarot, predicts deaths which no one believes. He leads them to the "real shit" which turns out to be the monastery of a bunch of devil worshiping monks who drug them and try to steal the leader's woman. After some spastic naked go-go dancing with snakes, the girl gets rescued and they split. The next night two turn up dead, probable coyote victims. They drive on, make camp somewhere else, and another member is attacked and barbequed. They head back to do-in the monks only to have a sandstorm magical sweep them off the highway and deposit them in the middle of the desert - I kid you not. They make camp again, where two turn into werewolves and get served. They growl like baby lions and one of them tries to make a getaway on a motorcycle. I'm not even going to try to interpret the end of this.
Whoever wrote this was really fucking stoned, though it would probably have made an interesting comic.
(1971)
What the heck did I just watch?
Some bikers do drugs, fight, drink, get mixed up with a sect of Satanists, and develop lycanthropy - which does not hamper their ability to ride. Either this was a really shitty movie or that wasn't ibuprofen that I took.
A tarot-reading biker named...Tarot, predicts deaths which no one believes. He leads them to the "real shit" which turns out to be the monastery of a bunch of devil worshiping monks who drug them and try to steal the leader's woman. After some spastic naked go-go dancing with snakes, the girl gets rescued and they split. The next night two turn up dead, probable coyote victims. They drive on, make camp somewhere else, and another member is attacked and barbequed. They head back to do-in the monks only to have a sandstorm magical sweep them off the highway and deposit them in the middle of the desert - I kid you not. They make camp again, where two turn into werewolves and get served. They growl like baby lions and one of them tries to make a getaway on a motorcycle. I'm not even going to try to interpret the end of this.
Whoever wrote this was really fucking stoned, though it would probably have made an interesting comic.
Baron Samedi...Is a Puffer Fish?
Grimm
"Ungrateful Dead"
(2013)
Almost forgot about this. It's only as episode but I'm counting it. I had no intention of watching this, but Hulu has a habit of starting new TV programs when you reach the credits of what you were viewing. Thus, Once Upon A Time begat Grimm.
Since I don't watch the show I had no idea what was going on but it was easy to understand most of it. Baron Samedi (the Haitian Voodoo Loa) is a tetrodotoxin-spitting puffer fish-like creature, who makes zombies and is wreaking general havoc in the Portland area. This turns out to be a distraction so that he can assist in kidnapping the Grimm for one of the Royals (your guess is as good as mine). There was also de-powered witch side story.
The thing about Grimm is, I want to like it, but every "storybook creature" is really just some kind of were-animal - and they don't even discriminate. There are weremice, werefoxes, weresheep, werepigs, witches are some kind of were, werebees, even werefish. Sure they may not call them that, but I recognize a were when I see one.
"Ungrateful Dead"
(2013)
Almost forgot about this. It's only as episode but I'm counting it. I had no intention of watching this, but Hulu has a habit of starting new TV programs when you reach the credits of what you were viewing. Thus, Once Upon A Time begat Grimm.
Since I don't watch the show I had no idea what was going on but it was easy to understand most of it. Baron Samedi (the Haitian Voodoo Loa) is a tetrodotoxin-spitting puffer fish-like creature, who makes zombies and is wreaking general havoc in the Portland area. This turns out to be a distraction so that he can assist in kidnapping the Grimm for one of the Royals (your guess is as good as mine). There was also de-powered witch side story.
 |
| Baron Samedi: he was scarier in Live and Let Die. |
He Has A Soul Now?
Pumpkinhead 2: Blood Wings
(1994)
This was my very first Pumpkinhead movie so it will always have a very special place in my heart. That said, it takes a slight detour from the mythos established in the first movie - never a good sign for a franchise. Among other things, the conjurer does not become the new Pumpkinhead, nor does Pumpkinhead die when the conjurer does. Also, Pumpkinhead is not restored from the previous Pumpkinhead, or even dug up from it's original resting place. Okay, it takes a big detour.
I swear the story is just a cut and paste from the original with a few twists: old lady gets hit instead of a kid; the aforementioned Pumpkinhead legend changes; 35yr old crime. Basically, there's a new sheriff in town. His daughter gets in with the wrong kids. They hit an old witch. She sics P-demon on them, but first he takes care of some old business he's had on the back burner. A few grisly murders, some bloody pictographs, and a lot of touch-and-go acting later, we end up with the Kill Scene. And this is where it all comes apart for the much younger fan in me: that moment when they've strung the monster up and YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE THE STRINGS MOVING HIS ARMS.
Damn it! I'm too lazy to rip a shot of this but it was kind of sad. Trust me.
(1994)
This was my very first Pumpkinhead movie so it will always have a very special place in my heart. That said, it takes a slight detour from the mythos established in the first movie - never a good sign for a franchise. Among other things, the conjurer does not become the new Pumpkinhead, nor does Pumpkinhead die when the conjurer does. Also, Pumpkinhead is not restored from the previous Pumpkinhead, or even dug up from it's original resting place. Okay, it takes a big detour.
 |
| Perfect setting for a first date. |
I swear the story is just a cut and paste from the original with a few twists: old lady gets hit instead of a kid; the aforementioned Pumpkinhead legend changes; 35yr old crime. Basically, there's a new sheriff in town. His daughter gets in with the wrong kids. They hit an old witch. She sics P-demon on them, but first he takes care of some old business he's had on the back burner. A few grisly murders, some bloody pictographs, and a lot of touch-and-go acting later, we end up with the Kill Scene. And this is where it all comes apart for the much younger fan in me: that moment when they've strung the monster up and YOU CAN CLEARLY SEE THE STRINGS MOVING HIS ARMS.
Damn it! I'm too lazy to rip a shot of this but it was kind of sad. Trust me.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Make It stop, Make It Stop!
Jack Frost 2: Revenge of the Mutant Killer Snowman
(2000)
Good Gawd this was filmed on a studio set. I can't respect a film company that doesn't even have the decency to at least take their low budget project to Prague. Also apparently this is now supposed to be a horror comedy franchise, except, when was it ever funny?
Jack's Back. The ominous Company from the first movie procures Jack's tainted antifreeze and tries to revive him. All their scientific trials fail but janitor knocks over a cup of Joe and that does the trick. Seriously.
Meanwhile, Sam the Sheriff has PTSD and, after an unfortunate incident at the shrink's office, decided to take a second honeymoon with his wife, deputy and secretary (they're engaged). That's right, this farce takes place on a tropical island.
Snowman killer, Tropical Island.
This descends rapidly into mock cloak & dagger with Super Soakers full of antifreeze, an army of mutant snowman Mini Mes, and deadly banana daiquiris. I've officially found this year's nadir.
1/5
(2000)
Good Gawd this was filmed on a studio set. I can't respect a film company that doesn't even have the decency to at least take their low budget project to Prague. Also apparently this is now supposed to be a horror comedy franchise, except, when was it ever funny?
Jack's Back. The ominous Company from the first movie procures Jack's tainted antifreeze and tries to revive him. All their scientific trials fail but janitor knocks over a cup of Joe and that does the trick. Seriously.
Meanwhile, Sam the Sheriff has PTSD and, after an unfortunate incident at the shrink's office, decided to take a second honeymoon with his wife, deputy and secretary (they're engaged). That's right, this farce takes place on a tropical island.
Snowman killer, Tropical Island.
 |
| What's on tap, Jack? |
1/5
'They just didn't care!'
Attack of the The Eye Creatures (that's
not a typo)
 |
| Attack of THE THE Eye Creatures. Nobody noticed. |
This is a soul-crushing color horror
film from 1965 about lumpy wide-mouthed multi-eyed aliens that visit
Earth for some reason. It's never really clear why. They're the least
intimidating monsters and pretty weak. They explode when exposed to
sunlight, for cripes sake. Or, as it turns out, ANY bright light.
They're visit isn't a complete
surprise, as the military had been tracking them for awhile and even
predicted where they would land. And once they leave the saucer?
Yeah, they just kinda wander around the woods at night without any
sense of direction. They traveled untold distances throughout our
galaxy, and they can't read a map, use aerial photography, or a
compass. They were doomed from the start.
So a bunch of snot nosed teenagers take
matters into their own hands and rid the world of these beastly
menaces that were just out for a stroll
by means of simply turning on their headlights. Yeah, interstellar
travelers thwarted by halogen bulbs. We had NOTHING to
worry about.
I knew
this movie was bad, so I tried to spice it up by watching the Mystery
Science Theater 3000 version...and sadly, it didn't help at all! Even the jokes were boring. So, I guess I can add this to the list and I never have to worry about watching it ever again.
Wednesday: One more from my friend Clive
Vague Unrest Before Xmas
Jack Frost
(1996)
Sometimes watching horror movies is a lot like watching porn: you just want to skip to the good parts, and even then it's mostly all been done before with different players.
There's really nothing to say about this movie. Jack Frost is a murderous loon who eventually gets caught and is on his way to execution when his transport collides with a truck carrying "genetic material". Said material kills him but bonds his genetic pattern and personality with snow. Now he's a murderous snowman. Really.
Despite what the movie's promotional poster depicts, Frost's actual appearance alternated between an obvious spray painted Styrofoam & (possibly) clay sculpture, and some doofus in a obvious pair of oversize fleece oven mitts.
I thought they were going to neutralize him with salt since they kept talking about him like he was a walking chemical cocktail. However they used antifreeze after discovering is was the secret ingredient in the sheriff's son's oatmeal surprise. Forget Frost, I'd be worried about Junior. What 12yr old doesn't know antifreeze is deadly?
And there's a sequal.
2.5/5
(1996)
Sometimes watching horror movies is a lot like watching porn: you just want to skip to the good parts, and even then it's mostly all been done before with different players.
There's really nothing to say about this movie. Jack Frost is a murderous loon who eventually gets caught and is on his way to execution when his transport collides with a truck carrying "genetic material". Said material kills him but bonds his genetic pattern and personality with snow. Now he's a murderous snowman. Really.
 |
Despite what the movie's promotional poster depicts, Frost's actual appearance alternated between an obvious spray painted Styrofoam & (possibly) clay sculpture, and some doofus in a obvious pair of oversize fleece oven mitts.
 |
| REALITY |
I thought they were going to neutralize him with salt since they kept talking about him like he was a walking chemical cocktail. However they used antifreeze after discovering is was the secret ingredient in the sheriff's son's oatmeal surprise. Forget Frost, I'd be worried about Junior. What 12yr old doesn't know antifreeze is deadly?
And there's a sequal.
2.5/5
Should Have Been Called Vampire Among Us
Werewolf: The Beast Among Us
(2012)
When I first saw this direct-to-video feature, I had reservations. Almost no one makes a good werewolf movie, let alone one not intended for theater viewing. So it begs a mention that I was in awe of this while watching - I mean it had a plot, actors you could recognize, actual decent performances, AND the cinematography was gorgeous - and did not take the title as literally as other reviews say one should. Also, the clues did not seem as obvious to me because I really wanted to believe someone could make a movie this good about my beloved beast. I still maintain that this is a cut above the usual horror fare even though, yeah, some of it makes little sense after consideration.
The plot goes that a small village is being decimated by a monster and puts out a reward for it's destruction. The reward attracts two sets of hunters: legitimate and scam artists. The scam artists try to foil the hunt for the legits as often as possible, often at their own expense. Both parties quickly discover that this is not your average beast. Suspicions arise and allegations are made.
One of the villagers, Daniel (a young medical apprentice), hangs around the hunters and comes up with a Silver Bullet-esque theory about the beast picking off the town's unsavory characters (although minus the self-righteousness of Bullet's Rev. Lowe). In the middle of all this, Daniel's love, Eva (who lives within an iron-gated estate) is being romanced by one of the legit hunters' men, with increasing ferocity. That was a little weird and seemed out of place until you got to the big unveiling (that I already spoiled if you were paying attention) - which was really just a diversionary tactic so you weren't thrown by the 5 sec heel-face-turn.
It has it's problems, I won't lie, but I still think it's worth watching.
4/5
(2012)
When I first saw this direct-to-video feature, I had reservations. Almost no one makes a good werewolf movie, let alone one not intended for theater viewing. So it begs a mention that I was in awe of this while watching - I mean it had a plot, actors you could recognize, actual decent performances, AND the cinematography was gorgeous - and did not take the title as literally as other reviews say one should. Also, the clues did not seem as obvious to me because I really wanted to believe someone could make a movie this good about my beloved beast. I still maintain that this is a cut above the usual horror fare even though, yeah, some of it makes little sense after consideration.
The plot goes that a small village is being decimated by a monster and puts out a reward for it's destruction. The reward attracts two sets of hunters: legitimate and scam artists. The scam artists try to foil the hunt for the legits as often as possible, often at their own expense. Both parties quickly discover that this is not your average beast. Suspicions arise and allegations are made.
One of the villagers, Daniel (a young medical apprentice), hangs around the hunters and comes up with a Silver Bullet-esque theory about the beast picking off the town's unsavory characters (although minus the self-righteousness of Bullet's Rev. Lowe). In the middle of all this, Daniel's love, Eva (who lives within an iron-gated estate) is being romanced by one of the legit hunters' men, with increasing ferocity. That was a little weird and seemed out of place until you got to the big unveiling (that I already spoiled if you were paying attention) - which was really just a diversionary tactic so you weren't thrown by the 5 sec heel-face-turn.
It has it's problems, I won't lie, but I still think it's worth watching.
4/5
Monday, October 28, 2013
His Enemies Are Mostly Dead
Pumpkinhead
(1988)
Two things:
Any revenge plan that starts with digging up a dead demon is bound to end with regret...and you might want to find out the small details before you enter the contract.
Some cityfolk done kilt Ed Harley's only boy. Fulla hurt, he let one' them Wallace younguns steer him to ole Haggis' place up in them mountains. That there witch done set him on the path to hell.
Several impalements later, we learn what the real payment is for unleashing the demon (and possibly a hint at why Haggis helps).
So the movie was inspired by the following poem, though it seems like no one knows anything about the author (Ed Justin) who wrote it, or where it came from.
5/5 - c'mon it's Pumpkinhead, King of the Revenge-Demon-movies...and I love his smile.
(1988)
Two things:
- I'd gladly pay the price to take a few people off the planet...and no, I would not regret it.
- Love this movie but it's really not nearly the gore-fest it's hyped up to be. Still...
Any revenge plan that starts with digging up a dead demon is bound to end with regret...and you might want to find out the small details before you enter the contract.
Some cityfolk done kilt Ed Harley's only boy. Fulla hurt, he let one' them Wallace younguns steer him to ole Haggis' place up in them mountains. That there witch done set him on the path to hell.
Several impalements later, we learn what the real payment is for unleashing the demon (and possibly a hint at why Haggis helps).
So the movie was inspired by the following poem, though it seems like no one knows anything about the author (Ed Justin) who wrote it, or where it came from.
Keep away from Pumpkinhead,
Unless you're tired of living,
His enemies are mostly dead,
He's mean and unforgiving,
Laugh at him and you're undone,
But in some dreadful fashion,
Vengeance, he considers fun,
And plans it with a passion,
Time will not erase or blot,
A plot that he has brewing,
It's when you think that he's forgot,
He'll conjure your undoing,
Bolted doors and windows barred,
Guard dogs prowling in the yard,
Won't protect you in your bed,
Nothing will, from Pumpkinhead.
5/5 - c'mon it's Pumpkinhead, King of the Revenge-Demon-movies...and I love his smile.
It's like Happy Tree Friends, only less gory
Easter Bunny, KILL! KILL!!!
So, this movie is about a single mom,
her special needs son, a new boyfriend that's a piece of trash, and a child
molester. Oh, and a bunny mask wearing murderer. This movie will
present a special challenge to me as I try not to use the word
''retarded''. This is a daunting task because that's what this movie
has the most of: reta---mmph---regretful scenes.
Nicholas, our special little guy, has
been raised by his single mother since his dad died when he was six.
She's met herself a new beau, and let me tell you, he's a real choice
cut. He starts the movie by shooting a convenience store clerk in the
face after robbing him. So, he's not really a people person.
 |
| Seriously, how does a fat CHUD like this pick up a hotty like that? His boobs are almost as big as hers! |
Mindy, Nicholas's mother, leaves for work
and the debauchery begins. Remington, the new boy-toy, calls a
pedophile friend to come over and watch the rambunctious
little tot, and have his way with him in exchange for some heroin.
Remington heads out to pick up some hookers for a party and Pedo-Man
tries to chase down Nick but some dude wearing a bunny mask drills a
hole inside his head. I liked that scene. But Donnie Darko's
retar----nnngggggh---repugnant cousin keeps the murders a'comming
with the likes of crowbar bashing, a Skil saw to the chest, broomstick impaling,
and so on...
I have to say that I was a little
surprised by the ending, but that's hardly enough to make up for the
90 minutes of whatever the hell this was. It was strangely creepy at times (mostly the pedo), and slash-o-riffic with blood gushing all over. Stream it from Netflix if you're in the mood for a low budget indie horror film. Originally, I was going to watch Night of the Cobra Woman, but I had just seen that 2 weeks ago on Svengoolie and really wasn't in the mood to watch it again.
As an added bonus, please enjoy another classic bunny scene
Tuesday: Some sort of tri-clops with a laugh track...or 2 smart-assed robots and a straight man.
The Benefits of Chipmunk Bites
Alvin and the Chipmunks Meet the Wolfman
(2000)
Yes, I went there...mostly because I wanted to know what the Wolfman had to do with Jekyll and Hyde. Confused? Read on.
This direct-to-video farce has the Chipmunks (and Chippettes) starring in a school production of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, with Alvin in the lead role. Alvin has a monster fetish and an active imagination - two not necessarily congruous traits. Apparently, Simon has been keeping a list of all the townsfolk that Alvin has accused of being monsters. His latest victim is the new next door neighbor, Mr. Talbot. Talbot is snooty, defensive, unfriendly and really likes lupine decor. Alvin sets out to prove his monster theory by ordering a book from a television psychic.
Meanwhile, Theodore is getting bullied at school. Through a serious of events, he ends up replacing Alvin for the role of Mr. Hyde (with Simon playing Dr. Jekyll). His casting was suggested by the soon to be retiring principal, who believes it will boost his confidence. This opinion is not shared by the melodramatic director (who is in possession of the world's only stand alone cappuccino urn that can dispense both coffee and frothed milk from the same spigot). Nevertheless, Theodore seems to morph into his role after a strange dog attack. See what I did there? Yeah.
Anywho, Alvin and Simon scramble for a way to save their brother and the school play. Dave, their "dad" tries to smooth things over Mr. Talbot, after Alvin breaks the man's walking stick. That doesn't go so well but does produce the best line in the whole movie:
After some chasing, and some unfortunate musical numbers, this ends with the most ridiculous, totally unexplained "cure" scenario ever. I was willing to forgive the idea of a werewolf using a silver-handled walking stick - WHEN THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ALLERGIC TO SILVER - but this last piece was just completely inane.
Other annoyances:
Whoever designed these characters had obviously never seen a real chipmunk. I mean I loved the animation as a kid but when I finally saw a real chipmunk...those sucks are tiny. I hate to say it but the modern CGI versions are way more accurate and actually do them justice. Not only are the vintage (or in this case, second generation) chipmunks at least six times the size of a normal one, they also look more like bear cubs. I realize standards were different then but good grief.
Alvin's opening sequence dream was more frightening than this entire movie.
(2000)
Yes, I went there...mostly because I wanted to know what the Wolfman had to do with Jekyll and Hyde. Confused? Read on.
This direct-to-video farce has the Chipmunks (and Chippettes) starring in a school production of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, with Alvin in the lead role. Alvin has a monster fetish and an active imagination - two not necessarily congruous traits. Apparently, Simon has been keeping a list of all the townsfolk that Alvin has accused of being monsters. His latest victim is the new next door neighbor, Mr. Talbot. Talbot is snooty, defensive, unfriendly and really likes lupine decor. Alvin sets out to prove his monster theory by ordering a book from a television psychic.
Meanwhile, Theodore is getting bullied at school. Through a serious of events, he ends up replacing Alvin for the role of Mr. Hyde (with Simon playing Dr. Jekyll). His casting was suggested by the soon to be retiring principal, who believes it will boost his confidence. This opinion is not shared by the melodramatic director (who is in possession of the world's only stand alone cappuccino urn that can dispense both coffee and frothed milk from the same spigot). Nevertheless, Theodore seems to morph into his role after a strange dog attack. See what I did there? Yeah.
 |
| Personally, I think it's kind of an improvement. |
Anywho, Alvin and Simon scramble for a way to save their brother and the school play. Dave, their "dad" tries to smooth things over Mr. Talbot, after Alvin breaks the man's walking stick. That doesn't go so well but does produce the best line in the whole movie:
Mr. Seville do you realize that this cane is a family heirloom? The handle was made from the silver bullets fired at my grandfather by angry villagers.Yep, that's when I would've made my exit, but good old Dave stays for the whole unveiling.
After some chasing, and some unfortunate musical numbers, this ends with the most ridiculous, totally unexplained "cure" scenario ever. I was willing to forgive the idea of a werewolf using a silver-handled walking stick - WHEN THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ALLERGIC TO SILVER - but this last piece was just completely inane.
Other annoyances:
Whoever designed these characters had obviously never seen a real chipmunk. I mean I loved the animation as a kid but when I finally saw a real chipmunk...those sucks are tiny. I hate to say it but the modern CGI versions are way more accurate and actually do them justice. Not only are the vintage (or in this case, second generation) chipmunks at least six times the size of a normal one, they also look more like bear cubs. I realize standards were different then but good grief.
Alvin's opening sequence dream was more frightening than this entire movie.
Sunday, October 27, 2013
Everyones favorite pin cushion !
Hellraiser: Revelations
We start out with more 'found footage',
someone other than Doug Bradley as Pinhead, a movie produced in mere
weeks because of a contractual obligation, and one pissed off Clive
Barker lamenting that it wasn't even good enough to be considered his
excrement. This movie has issues before we even get to the title
splash.
Basically, some spoiled rich kids (Nico
& Steven) go to Tijuana where a homily bum gives/sells them the
Lament Configuration. Since idle hands are the devils workshop, Nico
starts messing with it and opens a gateway to some sort of S&M
goth bar in Hell. They disappear and we move forward to present day
with the families trying to come to terms with all that's happened.
As the family starts piecing together the events, one of the missing
sons, Steven, shows up out of nowhere. After awhile, he goes into
spoiled asshole mode and holds the families hostage at gunpoint. It
turns out that the 'son' that showed up is not the right one. Or
rather, he's wearing the skin of the other. Get that? He's wearing a
Steven body suit! Here's his plan: take the family to Pinhead via the
Lament Configuration in order to trade for his soul. Pinhead simply
tells him 'no' and proceeds to butcher the hell out of him,
hook-style! It goes down hill from there with only one member
remaining alive, or rather, escapes from the worlds least hygienic
goth bar. Sure, there's a lot more there, but you'll have to watch
for yourself.
Honestly, I have
to say this was a decent watch. Sure, it felt a little more like an
episode than a full featured film, but I was somewhat impressed.
There was a lot of imagery that I haven't seen in the Hellraiser
franchise for a while, and it was nice to see some of them make a
come back. For example, the hooks that Pinhead uses to immobilize his
victims, the spinning pillar with body parts impaled on it, and the
nasty bum that holds the Lament Configuration. All of these things are hallmarks in the series, and as much a part of the franchise as Freddy's
fedora.
Now, about the new Pinhead:
 |
| "I am NOT someones unfinished sewing project! Super serial!!!" |
It took 2 people to make up Pinhead: one to act, and one to voice. He's not near as intimidating as Doug
Bradley, and in fact, he looks sad. Also, the voice sounds puny and
hollow. But alas, Doug won't touch another Hellraiser film unless Clive gives it his blessing. Clive had been working on a restart to the franchise until it was yanked out from under him and this resulting sequel is what we got instead. It's unlikely the reboot will ever happen, but I'll keep an eye out.
Monday: When holiday seasons collide!
"Get Off My Lawn!"
Monster House
(2006)
Crotchety old Mr. Nebbercracker has a secret he's been keeping in a strange, demonic house across the street from 12yr DJ. After DJ and his spaz friend, Chowder, have an encounter with the house, they join up with a candy-peddling prep school girl, to combat the evil entity. It's a kid's movie so don't expect gore and it's a little dry in the beginning.
The characters are mostly likeable and the storyline is appropriately predictable for 7-10 age group. Dj is a nerd with typical preteen issues, monster house aside. Chowder, clearly still reveling in childhood, is that obnoxious kid you wish would get eaten and put everyone out of their misery. Jenny is an ambitious girls-mature-faster archetype designated to be the leveler between the two.
Eh. 2012's Paranorman delivered what this film couldn't: complexity. The animation was well executed, particularly The House, which articulated a full spectrum of emotion lacking in the other characters.
I give it a 3/5 (I downsized my rating system. 10 is too broad to work with).
(2006)
Crotchety old Mr. Nebbercracker has a secret he's been keeping in a strange, demonic house across the street from 12yr DJ. After DJ and his spaz friend, Chowder, have an encounter with the house, they join up with a candy-peddling prep school girl, to combat the evil entity. It's a kid's movie so don't expect gore and it's a little dry in the beginning.
 |
| Most people just get fined for neglecting their home. |
The characters are mostly likeable and the storyline is appropriately predictable for 7-10 age group. Dj is a nerd with typical preteen issues, monster house aside. Chowder, clearly still reveling in childhood, is that obnoxious kid you wish would get eaten and put everyone out of their misery. Jenny is an ambitious girls-mature-faster archetype designated to be the leveler between the two.
Eh. 2012's Paranorman delivered what this film couldn't: complexity. The animation was well executed, particularly The House, which articulated a full spectrum of emotion lacking in the other characters.
I give it a 3/5 (I downsized my rating system. 10 is too broad to work with).
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