Die She-Dämonen, ja?

She Demons

     There's a shipwreck and a group of terrible people wash up on a tropical island. Terrible, not because they're evil, but terrible because they're annoying as hell. To prove my point, here's the manifest: There's Boney Blonde who is a complete spoiled bitch, Professor Dullard, the pompous tool with rod up his ass, Token Superstitious, old man whose ethnicity I can't determine, and Short Round. They're all a bunch of twat-waffles that should have went down with the ship. But if they had, we wouldn't have this cinematic 'treat'.

"We just want a man! And a spot on the Ed Sullivan Show!!!"

     After landing on the island and getting their bearings, Token Superstitious is the first to get it with spears to the chest. After the others snoop around the island they find a group of native white girls doing a dance routine reminiscent of drunken epileptics in mid grand mal. Pretty soon, some townie in a Nazi uniform breaks up the dance number and ushers them back into their cage. After some more dicking around, we find out there's a Nazi doctor doing experiments on the dance troupe in order to produce some elixer that will make his wife a hottie again. Currently, she's a nottie that got the hell beat out of her with an ugly stick. Things happen, people escape and then recaptured, and then the movie drops like a thud with one of the biggest cop-outs I've ever seen: The island is being used to do bombing target practice for the US Air Force, thus allowing them to FULLY escape.

     This HAS to be the source material for all those cheese-ball send-ups of '50s horror films with evil Nazi doctors and such. Just in the way that Madmen of Mandoras brought us the concept of saving Hitlers head/brain in a jar, this movie gives us hokey main characters fighting Nazi soldiers in full dress uniform with helmets 2 sizes too big. Overall, I liked this one as it satisfies my need for classic b&w sci-fi/horror films. I recommend watching this film after a night out on the town.

sunday, SUNday SUNDAY!!! --- Personally, I find all politicians to be jackals, rats, and weasels. Not so much werewolves, however....

RetarDEAD

     From the maker of MonsTURD (next year, kids, next year), a sequel where Dr. Stern returns with more infernal experiments on people. And this time? Please refer to the movie title for the obvious path this movie is going. 

     After escaping the police at the end of the first film, evil Dr. Stern starts a new life as a professor in a school for students with special needs. He's developed this special serum that turns these students into zombies, after a brief spurt of intelligence. It's contagious, and pretty soon the entire town is overrun with intestine eating zombies. Personally, I wouldn't touch the intestines because, well, it's full of poo.

    <Sigh>...Even if you've never seen a low budget spoof film before, this would still be a complete waste of time. I knew it was going to be bad, but not boring. Honestly, this only needed to be an hour long. There's nothing new to see here, so I'd skip this one. There are way better examples.

One terrible highlight:

    Unfortunately, Jello Biafra plays the Mayor, and it almost ruins the entire movie for me despite his single scene. He's unrecognizable, so promoting the film with his cameo is a waste of time. Also, he's an arrogant prick, but that's an gripe for another day.

Saturday: Bitches be CRAZY!!!

You've got something in your eye....

Strippers Vs. Werewolves

     Sometimes, accidents happen. And as an example, sometimes werewolf people get stabbed in the eye with antique fountain pens. It's just an unfortunate fact of life. And sometimes it's done by a stripper while you're getting a private dance and you die. Just one of those lemons that life throws at ya. And that's really the primary lesson here. Strippers and Werewolves do NOT get along.

Well, the boobs are just as fake as the Ticked off Trannies. So they have that much in common.

      OK, first of all, this movie starts with stock footage of a restaurant exploding while Duran Duran's Hungry Like The Wolf plays in the background. Oh, we're off to a great start. After the said eye stabbing scene, the rest of the wolf pack seek vengeance and ruin a fair amount of lives. And they really like eating people. At one point, I saw a man-wolf putting a severed hand between two slices of bread. I should also mention that this IS a bit of a comedy, but nothing like the Scary Movie franchise. This was typical subtle British humor. Oh, did I not mention that as well? Yeah, it's British so everyone talks funny and pronounces 'aluminum' wrong.

Oh, I get it now. 'Hungry Like THE WOLF'. Heh.

     Anyhoo, there's some chase scenes, more murdering, and then it all wraps up back at the strip club and ends in a big bang. Literally. Sorry for the spoiler, but its just a damn werewolf stripper movie. There isn't anything in here you haven't seen before. Well, maybe the part where the owner of the strip-club corrected the punctuation of a message written in blood on a wall before washing it off. Otherwise, it's a typical affair. It didn't win any Oscars, BAFTAs, or even a Razzie. And while that may make it seem benign, I have to say this was actually a decent movie! Clearly, I was the only one that did because the film made a staggering $63 on it's opening ni...wait, I misread that. It made $63 IN ITS ENTIRE BOX OFFICE RUN! $63.00!!?!?!?!

Highlights:

Dick shooting! Third night in row where it's been shot or stabbed. Yay.

Cast Highlights:

Robert Englund!

Adele Silva!

Lysette Anthony!

Coralie Ro....oh who am I kidding, aside from Robert, I've never heard of these people...

Friday: The undead ride a very special bus....

Baby doesn't walk! Baby doesn't talk!

The Baby
(1973)

This was...not what I expected. First,70s flicks aren't really known for an excessive amount of gore.  They tend to be more about suspense, emotional and psychological horrors...or they're supernatural naked witchfests. Sometimes, both. Second, they're always a little weird: odd people, odd places, odd circumstances. Truly, 70s cinema is like the birthplace of the off-kilter - or at the very least, the whelp box. That said, this was one part social services drama and one part dysfunctional family horror - like Sybil meets The Last House On the Left.

Nosy social worker Ann Gentry visits the Wadsworth home, fascinated by the strange case of man-child, Baby. Baby, who does not speak or function above the level of a young toddler, is kept in a crib or playpen most of the day. He's tended to by his domineering, abusive mother, and two trashy sisters - one of whom is a sadist and the other, who "comforts" him via sexual molestation. Really, this house has it all. Mama and her daughters even beat the snot out of a babysitter.

Mama Wadsworth has it out for Ann, who is obsessed with proving Baby's condition is the result of years of Mama's abuse. The two lock horns and scheming ensues. Ann - whose name means "merciful, of noble birth" (keep that in mind) - wants to see Baby free of Mama's control and threatens an investigation and custody battle. Mama fires back by inviting her to Baby's birthday party. Now would you really accept? Ann does. However, this movie does not end the way I expected. I mean I understand the motive - kinda - but I'm still like, "Wait..what the fu..?" I'm on the fence about how feel. It's definitely a discussion piece.

By the way, for some people on welfare, the Wadswords lived in a really nice big house in the 'burbs .

Verdict: Strange

Best line/Best scene: Honestly, this was too weird to pick one. Although, the scene where the mother-in-law comes out of nowhere dressed like a Satanist was pretty memorable. Thank God that fashion statement didn't survive.

I give it a 9 for originality.

The fastest way to a man's heart is through his ribcage.

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Grindhouse wannabe-never-was...

Ticked Off Trannies With KNIVES!!!

     Well, what can I say. Just as the title implies, we have gay/straight men dressing up in drag and tearing bad men up with knives. This is a revengeploytation film featuring dudes with boobs thankfully bigger than mine. I will boast, however, that my moobs are 100% natural whereas theirs were clearly 'installed'. Don't bother watching if you can't take the gender-bending/breaking or just learn to put your prejudices away for an hour and a half. And while I'm not the most liberal guy in the world, I was fully prepared to do so that I could enjoy this film. However, the cattiness at the beginning wore me to the bone and made the opening downright grating.

All dudes. Just remember that.

     Ment to be a grindhouse film, and edited as such with lame filters and 'quirks'. And the repetition! Scenes would play over and over and all it did was annoy the hell out of me. And the 'missing reels' schtick needed to be put down and forgotten. It's been done and if it didn't do much the first 50 times, why the hell would you keep using it?

Don't let the boobs fool you. This is a total sausage party.

     This films biggest sin isn't the violence, the sexual ambiguity, nor even the terrible acting. It's just boring. Sooo terribly boring.

Highlights include:

Dick-stabbing!

The bad guys names were Boner, Chuey, and Nacho! Nope, not making that up.

Rectally inserted knives!

Wednesday: Just when you think all that barrel scraping got you to the bottom.....

Time to get your DOOOOOOM on!

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