It's true....everything about this film is toxic

Toxic Zombies.......

Brought to you by this guy:

This is a 2-parter

Part 1: The Movie
     This is a simple movie. Everything about it is simple. The plot, the F/X, the climax, EVERYTHING!  DEA-like agents spray a chemical called Dromax on illegal grow operations. It's terrible at killing drug plants, but great at turning people into zombies. So what starts out as a bunch of smelly hippy pot growers ends up as a group of flesh eating zombies (probably nihilists too) that don't dig on government agents harshing their mellow. Remember I said simple? That's because this is the antithesis of "complex" or "interesting". It's really a dullard film that's best watched on a Sunday afternoon as you're slipping into a beer nap.

Part 2: Commander USA
     Commander USA was a weekend movie host on USA network back when it was cool and had interesting things on it. For example, Kung Fu Theater, Saturday Nightmares, Up All Night, etc. This was a VHS rip featuring the original broadcast of the movie and Commander USA bumpers. Hell, it even included the commercials! The show ran from 1985 to 1989 and sadly Commander USA, aka Jim Hendricks passed away in March of 2018. While this is a great way to watch this movie, you have to remember that it turns a 90 garbage film into a 2 hour affair.

If you're interested in suffering like me, here's the youtube link:

TOXIC ZOMBIES!!!!


Sunday: America needs more tentacle movies

Boooo!!! Hissss!!!!

Hisss (2010)

Holy hell, somehow I ended up in Bollywood


      So some jerk-ass American with brain cancer is in India trying to capture a legendary snake named Nagin. Word on the street is its blood grants immortality. That's just the kind of thing a guy literally dying on the inside could use. Then again, he's a bit of an asshole and cancer is the best thing for that. Anyhoo, he has some locals help him trap a snake for bait to catch the bigger snake that has blood of immortality. He's not really concerned about the human cost in this endeavor so naturally people die. However, he manages to catch the snake and imprisons it in a glass tank and waits. It seems to me 'waiting' isn't the optimal idea considering he has about 6 months to live. The good news is, it works and here comes a snake lady to just butcher the hell out of every disrespectful man that dare lay a finger on a woman in malice. Shifting back and forth from snake to lady, she just HAPPENS to be very ascetically pleasing.

HOT or NOT?

     Sadly, you're subjected to one of the most boring build-ups to climax despite the really awkward (rubber) snake sex scene and I realize why I'm not really into Bollywood movies. Truth be told, if I had know this was a Hindi flick, I would have passed. Because of my early anime back ground, I'm OK with subtitles, but it's soooo dull.

It's like watching plain yogurt.....

The Rift: Dark Side Of The Moon

     An American spy satellite crash lands in Serbia, so the CIA activates an agent in Belgrade who hooks up with an American agent named Agent Smith. A 'scientist' and another Serbian local team up and head to the countryside to find the super-sensitive satellite. Once our quartet reaches the crash site, they can't seem to find any crash. Then some old asshole shoots at the group and turns it into a trio. After fallowing the signal to the missing satellite, they find a space suit that they can't open and things just get even more weird...

     So we have to jump back to the mid 70's when we were still going to the moon. Actually, the program stopped in '72 with Apollo 17 (you'd be surprised how many people think we only went there once), but for this movie, they did it secretly for a couple of more years. Anyhoo, one of moon walkers finds a spatial rift and is sucked into it. That rift transported the astronaut to 2016 Serbia, generating the crashed satellite signal. So things really came round full circle. Then some 2-bit nihilist zombies start running around and no matter how many times you 'kill' them, they keep waking up. I'm sure that's a fun party trick. After that, Agent Smith starts chopping heads off and it all falls apart after that.

    What I hate the most about movies like this is they're boring to review. The acting, story, sound, and visuals are just good enough to keep me from groan-mocking, but still not a good enough movie to call underrated. I can't make fun of it, I can't get a 'wow' factor out of it. It's lame, but not boring. It'st just a thing that I watched for 90 minutes and I'm now moving on with my life.

Friday: "The windy man, the long mover!!!"

Everybody's Horny!!!!

Horns (2014)

     Poor Ig is accused of murdering and raping his girlfriend. Everyone KNOWS he did it (spoiler, he didn't), and he's pretty much blacklisted from everywhere and everything.  With reporters following him around 24/7, he's finding it hard to function while the police investigation continues.

     Then horns start growing out of his head after hooking up with a local bar maid. Better  yet, people start revealing their deepest darkest fantasies and confessing to past indiscretions. Being wise, he comes to the realization that he can use this to make people confess EVERYTHING. Sadly, he finds out most everyone hid or covered up something to save their own ass and leave him to hang. Because sometimes family just sucks and everybody knows it. Once the murderer is found (NOT spoiling, but it's pretty obvious in the first 15 minutes), it's time to wrap the film up with a less-than ambiguous ending. And I'm very thankful for that because sometimes I'm tired and I want the ending, motives, and meanings to be spelled out for me. 

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     I'm not sure why this was billed as a horror film, but it just eeks by as a qualifier and I'm glad for that because it was a great movie. That's also a problem because I may have peaked too early this year. Then again, maybe Sharkenstein will change my mind...

I would also like to note that I did NOT make a single Harry Potter pun DESPITE THE OVER-ABUNDANCE OF SNAKES IN THIS FILM. 

Thursday: The kind of direct-to-video film that they don't even bother putting on a DVD...

Of Hobbits and Nuggets

Has it really been a year?

   HELL YES it has. And a LONG one at that! We shoe-horn 31 horror movies in 31 days to fend off the horrors of real life during the other 334. That being said, let's get this started with something stupid:

Cooties (2015)

     And we have your first zombie movie of the year. A contaminated chicken becomes a chicken nugget and infects a young girl.

     She does the right thing and infects the rest of the children giving you every reason you ever needed to knock some sense into these little brats. Trust me,  you'll want to see nearly every child punched hard in the face in the first 10 minutes of this movie. It paints a quick picture of the modern school child albeit with a heavy dose of satire.

     Apparently the tainted nugget turns the kids into contagious bloodthirsty little cannibals and soon they start making meals out of the faculty. And that's really all there is to it: teachers trapped in  in a school with blood thirsty children and wacky hijinks ensue. Mostly running.

Those are entrails. Just so you know.

     After surviving the hordes of little bastards, our heroes learn it's a nation wide pandemic and that naturally leaves the movie open ended and nowhere nears as cool a movie as Zombieland.

Watch if:

You hate kids
You're drunk/stoned
You're obsessed with Elijah Wood

Wednesday: HA! Someone's a little randy!!!