Pinocchio's Revenge
This little crap-fest was made almost
20 years ago by people that don't know what a horror movie is. Or
looks like. The proof of this bold statement follows:
We start out with a flashback of an
officer stumbling upon a man burying a body of a young boy. After
this man is arrested, crime scene people scour the area and dig up a
wooden puppet (read: doll). Flash forward to current times and we see
a public defender acting as attorney for the man that was caught
burying the young child. This is starting to feel like Pet Cemetery,
but much worse. And that's something I didn't think possible. Really,
I shouldn't be this bored 15 minutes into the movie. Anyhoo, the man
is convicted and executed (he wanted to be), and then that Goddamn
puppet shows up out of nowhere and for some reason the PD takes it
home. Really, I thought evidence wasn't to leave police possession,
but this is a really just a USA Network made for TV movie in
disguise, so plot realism isn't' even a second thought. It's
somewhere down around “what socks should I wear today?”
Once the puppet is brought home, the
daughter latches on to it and treats it like a member of the family.
And that's when the kinda creepy (but sure as hell NOT scary) things
happen. Actually, it's just a bunch of shadow play, lighting flashes
when there's clearly no storm anywhere near the house, and I'm just
bored to tears. The first of only 2 deaths finally happens at the 1
hour, 9 minute mark. And that was just simply turning off a mans life
support. I waited over an hour to see a soft death. Sooooo
boooooring! More stuff happens, some nanny dies, and the climax ends
with the doll chasing Mommy: Public Defender and Notary around the
house with a knife. When mommy defeats the doll, she suddenly
realizes it's actually her daughter. I guess. I don't really know
because I stopped paying attention quite a while ago. Our fadeout is
of MPD&N and daughter in a hospital/mental ward with the creepy
dead, soulless eyes of the puppet doll super imposed over them while
they argue with the doctor over the sanity of the youngin'.
This is a 96 minute dry hump featuring
one of the most awkward lovemaking scenes I've ever witnessed. And at
the 40 minute mark, I saw pubic hair in a shower scene that served
nobody. Nobody wanting to see T&A would have sat that long into
the movie, so what the hell was the point? And the actors? There was
only one, and that was the little daughter. Everyone else was an
emotionless tool that over-acted to compensate. Really, you have to
see it to believe it. But don't. Just. Don't.
Saturday: Bitches be all like that and
stuff.....
