The Underworld is pretty boring...

Chainsaw Maidens from Hell

     Made in some dorks basement. Probably his fan-fiction headquarters. I'll put money down that half of his internet porn links are for hentai w/tentacles.

     This deep and complex story starts with our hero Dude-bro Mc R-Tard. He's a college footballer that sucks at school. But he's also 'the chosen' warrior for the heavens, so he's given a magical set of football pads to help send demons back to hell. Unfortunately, it's missing the jock strap, so they don't work. Naturally, the jock strap is in The Underworld, so he has to go retrieve it with the help of some sort of nerdy science chick. Once in the Underworld, he must battle 4 crazy fire chainsaw chicks for the 'golden codpiece". Well, by "battle" I mean "Give them a confidence boost so they let him have it". Once the cup is in hand, it's time for a boring but quick battle between good and guys with rubber masks. The Chainsaw Maidens show up and help out and we finish with an after battle party scene. The day is saved, puny mortal.

Not. Scary.

     It's been a while since I've seen a movie this intentionally bad. There's a crap-ton of green screening, ham-fisted acting, rubber masks, and plot holes like Swiss cheese. The audio levels vary, and I'm hoping that was because of the crappy streaming from Midnight Pulp. But despite all of this...this was a fun movie to watch and 75 minutes was just about right. Any longer would have been overkill.

Sunday: Maybe it's time I started pricing out machetes...

The D stands for "DORKY"

Friday the 13th Part 3-D

     3D films have been tried sooo many times and it seems to be on a 20 year cycle. It's heavily marketed, and quickly goes into hibernation till some dip-shit with no sense of history try's to make it the next big thing...again. Here's a terrible example of when it was tried in the '80s.

FFS! YOU CAN SEE THE STRING!!!

     Hot on the heels of the last film, we meet another group of horny young people headed to a cabin by the lake....yes, THAT lake. The same lake that should have been evacuated and razed  years ago. Right from the start, I'm rooting for Jason. These people are stupid and dull. The only stand out character is the chubby dork because a hell of a lot more people can relate to him than any of these other twats. But even he's annoying because right from the start he shows his inferiority complex in relation to his physical appearance. Lighten up, guy!

     Aside from the shlocky jump-scare screen-poking for the "3D" effect, this movie is a nothing. Just another 'killer stalking prey' marathon. Nothing new has been presented other than Jason FINALLY putting on his trademark hockey mask.  I'd also like to note that the guys NEVER survive Jason or his mother. It's always a woman. Girl power!

Toxie?!?

     Kills: Meat cleaver to chest, stick to throat, pitchfork to throat, pitchfork to chest, machete to head, fishing arrow to the eye, machete to crotch, knife to the back, knife to throat, electrocution, hot poker to stomach, head squishing, and axe to head

That mask offers NO protection.

Saturday: If it has chicks or chainsaws, you're going to have problems...amirite, guys?!?

Credit: Mark Knight.

It's like Revenge of the Nerds, but with an axe

Slaughter High

     Right  from the start, this thing reeks of a  half-assed comedy. But sadly, nobody's funny. The next thing you realize is that you're going to be rooting for the killer.

Looks good on ya!!!

     A high school 'nerd' has a horrible prank pulled on him and soon it becomes nearly deadly. It's assumed that he's horribly disfigurement from an explosion and fire. Then we skip ahead to a class reunion organized by a mystery person. And naturally, the only one that doesn't show up is Marty, the disfigured nerd. This is going to blow your mind, but soon after the party has started, people start dying in horrible ways. Total surprise! Then it becomes a stalking film with people dropping off one by one, dying in way such as:

Poisoning, stabbing, acid bath, crucifix, lawnmower, electrocution, hanging, septic tank drowning, axe to face, impalement by spear, and a hypodermic needle to the eye!

That's probably not a tapeworm. But it is filled with poop.

     What's messed up about this film isn't in the scenes itself, but in the casting. A lot of the actors are English speaking in and American accent. The movie was also filmed in the UK, so...this really isn't an American film at all, but everyone is acting like it. This film starts out on a pretty good pace, but soon hits a wall and just draaaags on to the "tell-tale heart"- like ending. This is best viewed asleep.

Friday: You'd think at some point in time, state law officials would take over...

Well, so much for Alice

Friday the 13th Part 2

     We first start with Alice hardy, the only person to survive the first movie,  having dreams of the terror she went through (see: flashbacks) Sadly, she doesn't last long because someone put an ice pick in her temple. Could totally be a random. Or it could be Jason. It's Jersey, so it can be hard to tell.

Nah, it's totally Jason. they make sure you get a gander at his stunning looks near the end of the film

     A new camp opening on the other side of Camp Crystal Lake means new councilors! That means plenty of new ways for people to get killed and new beeeewbs! Crazy Ralph is a familiar face and starts some peep-toming when he's strangled by our mystery killer (probably Jason).  After that, we're off the Slaughterlympics with deaths including strangulation, dog slaughter, claw hammer to head, throat slitting, machete to face, double spearing, and good 'ole fashioned stabbing.

He actually made a 'Gwaaaa" sound.

     There's nothing really new here, but this was when making a summer camp kill-o-rama was simpler and the only upgrade you needed was to make the blood a little squirtier.

Interesting note---2 movies in, still no hockey mask. I give this film 2 machetes and a hatchet.

Thursday: I guess you never really leave High Skoo..er, Shcoo....wait...s-c-h-o-o-l. Got it. Thanks, Googles!

Who's the bigger idiot....

The people who keep making these 'movies', or me for continually watching them?

The answer is pretty obvious, ME. But compulsion is also me, so on with the next stupid installment of

EVIL BONG:777

For the record, all scenes of 'Vegas are stock footage. But you probably guessed that.

    Things pick up right where we left off with our idiots escaping Sexy Hell and...well after that  you just have to say 'fuckit' and head to Vegas with Evil Bong in tow. I guess that makes them friends now?  After seeing a...there's no other way to put this..ahem... Elvis puppet sex show complete with money shot, our idiots head to a 'cheap as fuck' hotel run by dead guys. They're literally ghosts and aren't shy about sharing that fact. Retarded hijinks ensue and and suddenly the Evil Bitch form the last film makes her way out of Sexy Hell for what can best be described as a cameo. Her ass is quickly pushed back to Sexy Hell and GOD WHERE ARE THE FUCKING CREDITS?!?!? END MY SUFFERING!!!


     ...Oh wait...there they are! Well that was quick...because the "movie" is only 59:19 minutes!!!
Suspiciously absent again is Larnell, one of the mainstays from the first 5 films. Trust me, the film does NOT suffer. Only you do. Even with the over-the-top nudity, you still suffer. That's the real horror of this film.

Wednesday: More chaa-chaa-chaa-chaa..

Who the hell is Biker Bob anyway?

Bubba The Redneck Werewolf
2014


Cracker County won't be the same...

You can just tell the Comics were better.

Welcome to the town of Broken Taint where Bubba the night dog pound caretaker sells his soul to the devil and becomes a werewolf in order to win back his girlfriend Bobby Jo, who dumped him for the flannel-clad, tanned version of Moe from The Three Stooges, Dangerous Dwight. Dwight has a doublewide with a clicker, 4-slice toaster and proper pair of scissor - what to cut right good armholes out of one's shirt.

Anyway they totally stole that Devil comes to the local Watering Hole scene right out of Ghost Rider (GR did it better). The devil's sets about stealing people's souls while Bubba wins back Bobby Jo's heart with his new robust head & chest of hair and giant wolf dong.

The town's folk blame Bubba for the bad choices they've made selling their souls for things like a third hand to stroke their balls while they jack off. Bubba - who is a wolf day and night - has to try and break the contracts. There's plenty of dumb humor, digs at rubes, and mediocre gore. The theme song is horrid but expected, as is Bubba paraphrasing the Green Lantern's oath:

Through the darkest night
And evils might
A hero will rise
Uh...
To kick some ass!

I don't totally want my 77 minutes back but I wish they could meet me half-way. It does have some laugh out loud moments in between the usual gags, but your life will still be complete if you miss it. Also, the devil really looks like Ryan Martini from Mudvayne's "Dig" video, except he's red. He told Bubba he had a tan. Yes, it's like that.

Progenitor of the Endless Sequel

Friday The 13th

     This years marathon is one of the Big Daddy O.G.'s. This made summer camp scary, and somehow wedged horny teens, machetes, and hockey masks all into one horror film. From there, the 30 year reign of some scary movies, and a lot of turds. But who cares?!? I'm watching them ALL!!

     We start out at Camp Crystal Lake in 1958. A couple of horny teens deep in hormonal rage drift away from the group to see who's the best groper. Some nameless person giving us the 1st person perspective takes exception to it and chops/stabs the lustful demons away. What'd you expect?!? It's Jersey!

You tell it, brother!

     Skip ahead to present day, and new young faces start to showing up to the 'cursed camp' and our faceless killer starts picking them off one by one. Hell, the first one didn't even get to the camp! She was killed hitch hiking her way there. Her luck just sucked! But on the bright side, it saved a lot of unnecessary running. The rest go in what is now commonly gory ways: Throat slashing, throat stabbing, ax to the head, normal stabbing, pin the arrow on the dunderhead, and one final decapitation. Oddly enough, for everything you've ever seen about this series and all the icons included, Jason w/hockey mask is NOT ever seen. Just his crazy bitch-ass mum.

     So what did we learn from this one? Halloween was ground breaking and I get the impression that this one needed to one-up that film with gore and a slight twist to the ending while keeping it away from similarities in the story line and creating it's own identity. But remember, this is just the first film. They never really anticipated a sequel...or 10 others...

Star List:

     Kevin Fucking Bacon!...and nobody else worth mentioning.


Tuesday: FFS, I just realized they're not really movies, just episodes...

Island Nazi Zombies...it's ALWAYS Island Nazi Zombies....

Shock Waves (1977)

     Here's a piece of crap I once saw in the late 80's. It's about submarine Nazi Zombies, which is why I'm calling it a piece of crap. An excursion with a compliment full of annoying people runs across a derelict ship and end up making landfall on a deserted island. But it's not REALLY  deserted....Peter Cushing's there, just hanging out in a deserted hotel.  After telling him about the derelict ship, he freaks out and investigates. Turns how he knows that ship and what it means: Island Nazi Zombies. Pretty soon they start picking off the group one by one in the most unexciting ways possible and I'm just as bored now as I was 30 years ago.

This isn't scary. This is NEVER scary.

     Not very gory, not very scary, really slow moving. Mostly spooky music with the monsters moving slowly, killing people very boringly. The '80s made a tremendous impact on horror films, and I'm starting to see why. After seeing several of these lackluster films from the '70s, it needed a change, and the argument could be made that it was spearheaded with 1978's Halloween.

Monday: A franchise so large, it accounts for 1/3rd of this years movie picks...