“The Undisputed Plasticweight Champion Of The World”

Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys

     Just when you thought a franchise couldn't get any worse, I find this turd lingering on the internet. I had my choice of 2 movies starring (heh) Corey Feldman. I chose this time filler to round out my masochistic need to witness all the Puppet Master movies. The other will have to wait till next year. But here's a teaser: It was so bad, someone had to leak it to Youtube....and it's still there....

But until then:

     We meet the great grandNEPHEW of Andre Toulon, creator of the puppets, played by Mr. Feldman. And much like his lineage dictates, he's bat-shit crazy and REALLY into puppets. I've always found it odd that the puppet masters never create themselves a girlfriend. Anyhoo, while the current Toulon is tinkering in his home lab with the new old puppets, we learn that he's being spied on by the purveyors of an evil corporate toy company hell bent on taking over the world...with toys. HIS toys, to be accurate. Through that, we're introduced to the Demonic Toys and their demon worshiping master, Erica Sharpe. Her plan is to take over the world at midnight, Christmas Day, by triggering all the dormant toys to do her bidding...which happens to be killing every living thing. So we've got a really really strong plot here.

     I'm pretty sure when they write these scripts, they assume nobody is dumb enough to watch ALL of the PM movies, so they never worry about continuity. The proof is when they give a surprisingly decent origin story (yes, I think that makes 4 as of this film) of the soul-possessed tree the wooden puppets were carved from. But trust me, that is the ONLY thing you'll find inspiring about this festering pile of dreck. It's well known that I've picked apart this series, damn near to the bone, so there's no need to repeat myself since all the usual crappiness is still there. But the one thing, the ONE THING that drives me batty about this entire film is Cory Fucking Feldman and his attempt to muster a low toned, gravely voice. Stop embarrassing yourself, son. You don't have the range!

     And that is THAT! 31 movies, 31 days, 31 facepalms. For as many times as I groaned or thrown my hand in the air and said "WTF are you doing!?!", I can assure you there was a smile hiding behind it. It's a 31 film grind that you have to juggle into your daily routine and we've been doing it since 2008. It's not always easy, and sometimes it's work. But it's always worth it in the end. And I've already started on next year's list....

'Till then, over finished done gone out.

See ya!

This could have been named anything....

Leprechaun: Origins

    This movie makes me happy. Happy because it's the last damn Leprechaun movie in the franchise.....for now.

     4 hiking tourist decide to head to some crappy little villa in Ireland and the residents warm up to them right away. Two of the towns people offer them a place to stay for the night and the hikers agree. The joy is fleeting, however, as once they're dropped off it becomes clear something is trying to eat them...

...this is because something IS trying to eat them. It turns out the villagers are assholes that stole gold from our little Gollum-like leprechaun and now use wandering twat-waffles' like these hikers as sacrifice to keep the little bugger at bay.

     Ug...a WWE funded movie? And Hornswoggle for fuck sake?...Actually, this is a very good thing. For once, the entire franchise is put on its heels by making an ACTUAL horror movie and not some dopey one-liner filled turd with endless sequels. Though it's your standard 'monster chase' fare, it's still a step in the right direction to freshen this turd up. And as much as I like Warwick Davis, I'm tired of seeing him in heels spouting shitty rhymes and cheesy puns. Sadly, I doubt this trend will continue with the franchise as Lep is really more beastly, and less evil. Just being a blood thirsty animal is not the same thing as a truly evil entity. That unfortunately makes this just another mindless monster movie. But hey, you get an 'A' for effort!

Saturday: One last film, one last taste of hell...

A slightly less smelly turd is still a turd...

Leprechaun: Back 2 Tha 'Hood

So this is a sequel to a sequel?

     Ug...read yesterday's post about the first 'Hood movie and try to imagine that movie with higher quality film and lighting. That's about the only difference. Oh sure, the story is different, but tons more weed and bong references, Warwick Davis working for beer money, and no Ice T or Coolio.

Let's just call this a mulligan and move on to Friday.

Friday: The end of a road I started down last year....

Stupid sequel compulsion....

Leprechaun: In The Hood

Leprechaun: In The Hood

     Time to finish what I started last year, but with no fucking help from Netflix. In the past, I had a collection of downloaded films, as well as .99¢ bin cheapies to pull from. I've avoided streaming because I could never count on Netflix or Hulu to keep the same movies as I made my calendar out months in advance and I was trying to avoid what happened this year. I made my list in September, less than a month before Oct. 1^st, and thought I wouldn't any or few hiccups. But Netflix removed 4 films at the start of October. All 4 were horror films. So removing horror movies before the OFFICIAL month of horror begins has got to be the work of a fucking retard. So instead I had to scramble and find some shady website to stream from. God only knows what malware got loaded on my machine. Next year, I'll make sure I have hard copies. Now that I've got my rant out of the way...

     Somehow, Lep ends up in Compton in 'totem mode' and Ice T manages to wake him up, then capture/refreeze him with the Necklace Of Holy Leprechaun Freezing and takes his gold. Years later, Ice T is a mogul using Lep's gold and flute to stay rich and run a record production company. 3 dunder-headed hip-hop hopefuls get their chance to have T produce for them, but they end up robbing and stealing his shit. During the heist, they free Lep and the game is on.

Highlights include

*Ice T

*Cameo by Coolio

*Bud smoking Leprechaun

*A Tiger Woods reference made by leprechaun that's been frozen since before Tiger was born so there's *no way he's have any idea who that is....

*There's a lot more cross-dressing than I expected

Right before the credits roll, we're treated to Lep doing a rap....just in case you wanted to dislike this movie just a little more....

Thursday: He upgraded to a bong...

I love you, Japan

Mutant Girl Squad

Just pretend that you can read that.

     I think I should have saved this for last. I have another Japanese splatter horror film to share. And just like all the others I've covered, this is just as fucked up as the rest. You know the formula: Lots of blood, lots of school girl uniforms, and lots of head splitting/exploding/decapitating. In typical Nippon fashion, it's mostly indescribable. But here goes anyway:

     There's a group of mutant people in Japan called HILKO. Normal people don't like them and persecute them, mostly with death. This is the story of Rin's indoctrination into a clan after finding out she's a hybrid. Her father was HILKO and her mother was normal. But all is not as it seems, and it turns out the clan is a bunch of suicidal terrorists hell bent on punishing the normal, non-mutant people. That's the basic premise. Now here's some .gifs to show what I'm not up to describing. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I can't convey this very well. Observe, if you will:

Katana bewbs!!!!

Insane violence!!!

Karaoke....I think. Not really sure what's going on here....

Chainsaw butt!!!

     There's soooo much more, but it's just too much to cover. Every scene has some fucked up mutation or brutally violent action that just makes you shake your head. If you think you'll get desensitized, I can assure you that will not be an issue. However, don't be surprised if the looks on peoples faces become twisted when you try to describe this to them. And really, be careful sharing this. If their faces get too contorted, they may strain themselves and we don't want that. 

Actually, tell them all about it. Don't leave out the part about the 'butt-saw'.

Wednesday: That little shit-head is back to round out all known appearances 

Good time to take a nap....

Cottage Country

     Billed as another horror comedy, we find our over-stressed protagonist making his way out to the family house on the lake to spend some time with his girlfriend. While there, he plans on proposing to her for her hand in marriage....

     ….then his useless brother shows up with his hilariously decadent girlfriends in tow and ruins the weekend. While the two girlfriends are out looking for wild mushrooms, the two brothers fight and someone got an ax to the neck! From there on it's hilarious hijinks (not really) hiding bodies, killing more people, and avoiding cops.

     Truth be told, this movie started strong and had some funny parts. The useless brother's girlfriend stole the show, but it it went down hill after she was beat to death by the bride-to-be. Somehow, the good girlfriend went from nice to psycho in one scene and while that could have made for a dark comedy, it went just a little to far over the edge and it kinda killed it. This movie had good potential, but whiffed it in the end with its rather sad ending.

Tuesday: Red-hot mutant action....awwww yeaaaaah...

The world's most unhelpful cop....

Maniac Cop

     '80s NYC has a problem. There's a man running around killing people dressed as a cop. He's just indiscriminately killing anyone he wants. They could have gone with a vigilante, but no. Just a psycho. In the past, he was a cop that got sent to prison for being a bad cop. He was attacked in the shower and had his face mutilated, and 'dies'. But we all know he really didn't, so we're treated to the rest of the film being his murder rampage. Originally he was only to kill bad guys, but changed his mind about that and just kills everyone while framing another cop...whom he then tries to kill as well. His preference is to stab people with what is clearly NOT a police issue weapon. I found it strange that he didn't use a gun and was seemingly bullet proof. And in the end, we find out he's also drown proof.

     That's really all there is too it. I tried stretching that out as far as I could, but it's a pretty basic '80s slash 'em up starring Tom Atkins, Bruce Campbell, and the late Robert Z'Dar's chin. Not great, not bad...kind of a 'nothing' movie. I'll admit I've wanted to see this for a long time, but not enough to make time for it. I did this year, and....I may skip the 2 sequels.

Monday:  It's a nice place in the country...

Really, I didn't give the Puppet Master films this much of a free pass...

Malice

Let's be honest. They're really selling this with nerdy goth sex. Jokes on you, she's 16.

     OK, not technically a movie, more of a web series compilation. But hey...the Internet has made it easy for a lot of movies to get made when it wasn't previously possible...and made it possible for other movies to be made that shouldn't have happened. This is the result of a Kickstarter campaign and is loaded with people doing their best, and a possible over use of CGI. There's also a crap-ton of inconsistencies but it's best to just over look them and try to enjoy this otherwise decent offering.

     This ghost story starts when a dysfunctional family moves into a their newly deceased grandmother's house and try to start over. Within the first week, mom is last seen wandering away from the house via the back yard...and she disappears. More spooky things start happening and we're treated to a family outing that involves shooting up a cemetery and then dad disappears. Then sister disappears and it's now all on Alice, our main protagonist. At the climax, the whole plot reveals itself to be pretty squishy but I was strangely entertained the whole time. And again, the inconsistencies are thick. Thick enough I should tear this film apart for, but since it was such a decent watch, I did my best to ignore them. They're still there, festering, seething, but I have control of them for now....

Sunday: Megalomaniacal and chicks dig the uniform...