Why try to reboot a sub-par franchise?

 Children of the Corn (2020)

It's just fucking corn!!! That's all it is!!! 

    I've lost track of how many times they've tried to reboot this. It was a creepy film in 1984, but not scary or gory. Just strange, nothing more. Yet, they kept pumping out sequel after sequel, reboots included. Who keeps giving them money? And why the fuck do I keep watching them?

    I'm going to be brief and brutal to the plot: Corn is haunted, and all the kids know it. Adults can't make money growing it, so they mow it down for government subsides. This angers haunted corn and kids, who kill adults and plan a sacrifice a young girl trying to save the corn. In the end, everyone dies, for which I'm very glad. Moving ON!!!

Sunday: That sound you hear is something fucking awesome coming....

Talk about family drama...

Evil Dead Rise

    Sooo....First I watched Evil Dead 2 in the late '80s. Then I watched the first Evil Dead movie shortly after that and they were polar opposites in their respective concepts. ED2 was comedy/horror, and ED1 was just straight up horror. Then Army of Darkness in the 90s, and that was more comedy then horror. Then some people ruined the flow with Evil Dead in 2013 and called it a "re-imagining", which is bullshit speak for "reboot for money". This is the first of the franchise to not include Bruce Campbell. And also why I don't care about it. Yet for some reason, I picked the third version of the entire franchise and it's really more realistic to calling itself a "stand alone".  It also does not include Bruce Campbell. 

    Or plot is simple,  domestically broken family survives an earth quake. But a whole has opened up to a vault in the bottom of the buildings parking garage and Jr. decides to snoop. He grabs some paperwork, a couple of records, and a leather bound book of the dead. It was bound with claws, for fuck sake! Have you not seen a horror film at all? Anyhoo, opens book, plays records, and conjures a demon that posses mom. Good job, kid. You trying to put your mom in a grave? Because that's how these things happen.

    And man, does mom know how to clean house. She destroys her neighbors, possess one of her daughters, and said daughter kills son. The mommy...um...grows both spiritually, and physically into a multi-limbed beast of burden that just needs to be put into a wood chipper. 

    After a nasty little elevator ride, that very thing just happens and I hope you like the color red...because there's dump trucks full of it.

Red looks good on ya!

    True enough, as a stand alone it is pretty good. I just rather it didn't have the Evil Dead title because that conjurers a quirky horror film, not some nasty bloodbath. Otherwise, go ahead and watch it!

Saturday: I really hope there's no corny puns....heh.....

Vamps in the Hood...again. They like the hood...

 Vampires Vs The Bronx

    A vampire infested conglomerate is buying up property all over the Bronx. I'm not sure why they're buying property, but they sure do like to eat the owners they buy from. Its' up to three young teens to put a stop to gentrification and eating of people.

What is it with monsters, kids, and bikes? They always have bikes.

    I'll be brief on this one because it's a decent watch. The story, while not very original is still interesting enough and supported by a well rounded group of actors, including the teens. Even though it's probably unrealistic, the neighborhood has some decent characters and they all backed by actors that make it smooth and natural. 

    Yes, in the end, it's a teen vampire film, meant for a far younger demographic, but that's never stopped me. I still watch cartoons.

Friday: Another decent but unnecessary reboot... 

Manga--->Anime--->Live Action Movie

 Zum 100: Bucket List Of The Dead

    Akira has a new job. It's a lot of work. So much so, that 3 years pass since his last day off. Sounds brutal, and it is. HOWEVER, thanks to a zombie apocalypses, he finally has a day off! Good for him!...too bad about all those people turned into mindless flesh eaters. Bummer!

    This started out as a manga, which I did not read. Then it was turned into an anime, which I did not watch. And now it's a Netflix Movie...and here we are. Watching some happy-go-lucky kid avoid zombies while checking off his bucket list. He's too happy. You know what he's not doing? Killing zombies. He's just running around living his best life. Till he meets another survivor that just happens to be a total hottie. Understandably, she's a little uptight and not really interested in starting any long term relationships. She's also uninterested in short term too, so it's an up-hill battle for him. 

Eventually, he and his friend gain her trust and she travels with them to refuge at a public aquarium where he finds out his boss is sadly still alive. His old boss becomes his new boss and has an iron grip on all the other people seeking safety. Turns out he's still a dick. They fight past that, and a gigantic walking shark, to get to the end credits 2 flippin' hours later. Way too long!

    And that's your main plot line. A guy with a checklist that finds friends while doing a bunch of mini-quests. The rest of it is just another zombie movie with a very clearly Nipponese angle. Think one part Zombieland, one part dating simulator. I'm nearly convinced that every angle of zombies has been covered and needs no more exploration. What else can you do with the walking dead? They are, and always have been, the most boring monsters I've ever seen. And I've watched way too many for this blog. Maybe this will be the last for awhile. 

Thursday: What is it with vampires and NYC?

Of Gophers and Golf....

 Caddy Hack

    < sigh >What did I get myself into? What is this fresh hell? Who thought "This world needs a golf horror film"?  I'll tell you who. It's the same person that has a fence post for a family tree. A person that likes golf. A person that wants to bastardize killer '80s comedies. A person that wants to waste your time...

    Welcome to Old Glory Holes Golf Club. They have a slight gopher infestation, but their grounds keeper, Hambone, is on the case with his private fertilizer he developed on his own. Funny, he does not look like a scientist.

    Anyhoo, his grand concoction has a unique property where it turns gophers into stone cold lethal killers with glowing eyes. Science!!!

  Soon, the homicidal gophers begin their war against humanity with knives, exploding beer bottles, neck munching, dick biting, and chest bursting. It's up to the caddies to save the day, as long as you tip.

  OK, in truth, this is a dumb movie, but that's its purpose. It doesn't take itself serious, and I like that. Nobody can act, and they know it. The story is weak, and they still milk it for anything silly. And for those that like musicals, you'll love the Balls Deep number. It really ties the movie together.

Wednesday: Go away, zombies!!! Nobody likes you!!!

She watch channel zero...

Video Dead

    I've tried to watch this several times, but it keeps getting removed from the streaming service RIGHT ON OCTOBER 1ST!! What kind of crap is that? Finally, I found it on youtube.com. And that is...regrettable...

    Anyhoo, a random guy receives a TV from whereabouts unknown. The TV turns itself on and a zombie dead guy pops out and kills the homeowner because the dead hate the living. Fast forward and the house has been sold to a new family and the siblings are breaking the house in while waiting for parents to return from Saudi Arabia. While unpacking, some jackass from Texas shows up and asks for the TV, but they don't know anything about it because it's hidden in the attic. The Texan warns them not to meddle with things they don't understand. They say thanks and send him on his way. In nearly the same 10 minute period, Jr. hears a TV on in the attic and climbs in to retrieve it. Clearly, the boy isn't making the connection between the TV's exitance in the attic and the talking cowboy hat.

    From there, it's zombies eating people, people running from zombies that eat people, key cast members get eaten...look, it's a crappy direct-to-video '80s horror film you might have seen on USA's  Saturday Nightmares or Up All Night. Don't ask too much of this film because you're getting NOTHING. Just 90 minutes gone from your life. Maybe this will ease your pain after watching this.

Tuesday: How to make a horror film out of anything...

Do reboots actually make money?

 Hellboy (2019)

    When I first heard that Ron Pearlman wasn't returning as Hellboy, I immediately dismissed it. David Harbour did his best. He did it the way they wanted, and it's not horrible, but...it's no Ron Pearlman. And I get it...Ron Pearlman is almost 75 as of this post. He really can't do it anymore. But putting "Dad-Bod" in a successful franchise to replace Pearlman...there were better choices. Josh Brolin comes to mind.

...but we get this instead...

    The plot is pretty thin, but it mostly deals with the Blood Queen, played by Mila Jovovich, wants to be resurrected and she wants Hellboy as her king. When he wields Excalibur, he'll become the demon king or some such, and brings about the end of the world. That is the meat on this bone in its entirety. The rest of the film is back story filler, stale one-liners, and some over-the-top violence that includes a scene where demons just shreds humans in the most brutal way possible. For example:

    Eventually, Hellboy comes to his senses and vanquishes Mila because she's a terrible life partner and everyone is saved...well, everyone but all those people that got ripped apart by the demons. Those people aren't coming back.

    Left with a 'meh' feeling at the end of the film is normal. It's not you, it's the underwhelming movie. But the bad news becomes worse when you find out they made another 're-sequel-boot' this year, featuring a 3rd Hellboy actor that nobody's heard of:

Sullen AND morose in the same still. Amazing.

Monday: I tried to keep the '80s films to a minimum....

37! THIRTY. SEVEN!!!

 Godzilla Minus one

     Post WWII Japan has a new problem in the form of a young Godzilla stomping all over the outer pacific islands. Nuclear testing on the Bikini Atoll has helped the 'Zilla grow significantly larger, and now it has it's ever famous nuclear fire breath. Shikishima, our hero and failed kamikaze pilot, has witnessed Godzilla's wrath first hand, and probably more than anyone else in the world. In fact, his third encounter was as 'Zilla was laying waste to the city of Ginza. Point of note, there's no more Ginza.

   Anyhoo, all this destruction has forced the nerdy citizens of Japan to get its science on and turn the tables. We call this the '2nd part of every Godzilla movie ever"...all 37 of them. And holy crap, 37 movies about Big Green?!? The next most is what...Fast and the Furious? I can tell you I've seen 37 Godzilla movies and not one FF movie.

Pop & Lock, bro!!!

    The plan? Sink it into the deepest depths of the ocean. If that doesn't work, springboard him back up the the surface as fast as possible to cause rapid decompression. We call this the "Sinkers & Floaters" plan. It's dumb, implausible, and just like any other Godzilla movie, it probably works. I won't spoil the end for you, but I don't think I'm being bold when I say there's 37 of them...there will be more.

    Visually, this movie had some great scenes, but others felt the CGI was a little bit too clean. Honestly, you'll hardly notice because overall this is a fun watch. And every bit a true Godzilla movie.

Sunday: It didn't need a reboot, but that's what we got....

Why do monsters always pick on sorority houses?

 Slotherhouse

    An innocent sloth is poached from it's natural habitat by some bearded twat. What beardo isn't aware of is this sloth is a bloodthirsty maniac, just ask the alligator it eviscerated in the opening scene.  He finds out the hard way after he's imported it into his house and it brutally attacks him. Somehow, sloth can do that. Meanwhile, a sorority 'babe' he met in a mall earlier that day stops by his house and she steals it! Why? What does a semi-vapid sorority dingbat want with a sloth? They're smelly, greasy, and I'm not comfortable with that constant grin on its face. 

Super serial?!? Would you trust this face???

    Nonetheless, she brings it back to the sorority house and it's an instant rock-star, quickly becoming the official mascot. Needless to say, once inside the house the sloth dives into it's work and stars offing the sisterhood, one by one. And trust me, you'll be thankfull it did. This is a 'root for the baddie' situation because all of these people just don't deserve the oxygen they're uselessly sucking down, feeding that brain of nothing.

    I have to say this movie isn't near as gory as they usually are, it tows the line between humor and serious, not clearly defining what it is. And somehow they stretched it out for 90 minutes. This is clearly a movie written around it's title, but...not a bad watch if you don't mind the dumb.

Saturday: One from Big Green...

The appropriate people died in this film...

 Little Monsters

    Loser uncle Dave is going through a break up with his girlfriend. Dave has this coming because he's complete loser and won't grow up. Soon after the break up, he meets his nephews teacher and is immeadly smitten. After volunteering to chaperone his nephews class trip, all hell breaks out when zombies start escaping the US Army facility next door to a children's farm. From there, it just continues on as a normal zombie escape movie, but with bratty kids. We'll call this a 'pleasant watch' and move on.

Friday: To be honest, these animals creep me out...