The Shrine
2010
I can't even remember these people's names. If that doesn't tell you the caliber of this movie...
An annoying journalist trying to make a name for herself, convinces her boyrfriend to fly to Alvania in search of a missing tourist. They're accompanied by an intern from said journalist's employers, who think they are off investigating dying bees. This movie took an hour - ONE HOUR - before anything even remotely considered "action" took place. Then it was over in 12 minutes.
Basically, unfriendly locals have been killing people for trespassing in their misty forest where a spooky statue lives. I'll admit, the end was good, but I don't think I could make someone sit through an hour of Carmen's (journalist?) pissed boyfriend telling her they ought to go home. There were some good moments in the lead-up - mostly of the "why would you DO that?" variety. Like, why would you go down into the closed-off bunker dug into a hillside - especially after a creepy little girl tells you all the tourists are there.
Perhaps the most annoying thing was that like 75% of the movie is in Polish. No subtitles. Just Polish. Whose genius idea was that?
Monday, October 31, 2016
Zombie Big Brother
Re-kill
2012
So...this movie was actually kind of interesting. "Re-Kill" is actually a reality show shot live, on a 2hr delay, in a post-outbreak America. The world's population has been decimated by a particularly virulent virus that creates savage zombies. It's nearly impossible to quell outbreaks. Anyone suspected of being infected is terminated. Meanwhile, in between the footage from the series, are several propaganda commercials from corporations and special interest groups promoting anti-zombie vaccines (that probably don't work), re-population sex clubs(?), and "where were you" spotlights and patriot tales. Sort of reminds me of Starship Troopers.
In this segment of the series they are shadowing a new recruit (who quickly buys the farm), but end up being deployed on a suicide mission to discover the truth about the mysterious Project Judas. It's not so mysterious: scientists tinkering with re-ans (the zombies) screw up and create a kind of super re-an who dispatches them but somehow manages to keep the project running to amass an army. Queue outbreak number two.
While this is going on, there's a religious quack team member who has been ranting about the plague being god's work a la Westboro Baptist Church. Apparently god is preening the wicked from his garden with a disease that not only kills people, but turns them into ravenous cannibals. Couldn't wait for him to buy it.
I could say a lot more about some of the sociocultural issues but it's not that exciting.
2012
So...this movie was actually kind of interesting. "Re-Kill" is actually a reality show shot live, on a 2hr delay, in a post-outbreak America. The world's population has been decimated by a particularly virulent virus that creates savage zombies. It's nearly impossible to quell outbreaks. Anyone suspected of being infected is terminated. Meanwhile, in between the footage from the series, are several propaganda commercials from corporations and special interest groups promoting anti-zombie vaccines (that probably don't work), re-population sex clubs(?), and "where were you" spotlights and patriot tales. Sort of reminds me of Starship Troopers.
In this segment of the series they are shadowing a new recruit (who quickly buys the farm), but end up being deployed on a suicide mission to discover the truth about the mysterious Project Judas. It's not so mysterious: scientists tinkering with re-ans (the zombies) screw up and create a kind of super re-an who dispatches them but somehow manages to keep the project running to amass an army. Queue outbreak number two.
While this is going on, there's a religious quack team member who has been ranting about the plague being god's work a la Westboro Baptist Church. Apparently god is preening the wicked from his garden with a disease that not only kills people, but turns them into ravenous cannibals. Couldn't wait for him to buy it.
I could say a lot more about some of the sociocultural issues but it's not that exciting.
Can I Interest You In A Watchtower and Lyncanthropy?
Late Phases
2014
On the day Ambrose McKinley moves into a secluded retirement community, a wild animal attacks, leaving several dead. Ambrose doesn't believe the spiel about it being common for places close to the woods. Nor does he believe it's a bear. He sets out to kill the beast.
oh, and he's blind.
Yep, so it's Blind Fury vs, Silver Bullet in a elderly community. This isn't a bad movie per se - even though the werewolves looked like mutant terriers in furry adult footie pajamas...and there's brief elderly nudity. Ambrose is kind of a dick but most of the residents are self righteous a-holes, so his sarcasm is well deserved. Nonetheless, he starts training (with a shovel) and hatching a plan to catch the werewolf. Unfortunately, the werewolf sees him with some ammo and realizes the jig is up. It hatches it's own plan in desperation and things get a little hairy for Ambrose.
One thing that annoyed me about this movie was how the werewolf confesses to someone and the guy watches the full transformation before he decides that maybe he should try to make a run for it in his 20yr old station wagon. Of course this fails and werewolf literally jumps Matrix-style through the air and like kick-lands through the windshield...in that furry pajama jumpsuit thingy. Comedy.
Yeah, it's probably not the worse movie you'll ever see.
2014
On the day Ambrose McKinley moves into a secluded retirement community, a wild animal attacks, leaving several dead. Ambrose doesn't believe the spiel about it being common for places close to the woods. Nor does he believe it's a bear. He sets out to kill the beast.
oh, and he's blind.
Yep, so it's Blind Fury vs, Silver Bullet in a elderly community. This isn't a bad movie per se - even though the werewolves looked like mutant terriers in furry adult footie pajamas...and there's brief elderly nudity. Ambrose is kind of a dick but most of the residents are self righteous a-holes, so his sarcasm is well deserved. Nonetheless, he starts training (with a shovel) and hatching a plan to catch the werewolf. Unfortunately, the werewolf sees him with some ammo and realizes the jig is up. It hatches it's own plan in desperation and things get a little hairy for Ambrose.
One thing that annoyed me about this movie was how the werewolf confesses to someone and the guy watches the full transformation before he decides that maybe he should try to make a run for it in his 20yr old station wagon. Of course this fails and werewolf literally jumps Matrix-style through the air and like kick-lands through the windshield...in that furry pajama jumpsuit thingy. Comedy.
Yeah, it's probably not the worse movie you'll ever see.
#31, please step forward....
Saturday the 14th
Another throwback from the early '80s, I 'kinda' remember this movie on HBO and I thought it was funny but I never got to see the whole thing. I was also about 8 and thought the Smurfs were pretty boss. So much for nostalgia...
We meet John and his wife Mary at a will reading. Someone died and they won a house! Oh, and it's cursed. They also have kids and a dog making them the prototypical Reagan era nuclear family.
As they move into the new old house, we find another couple wanting to buy it, at any cost. They're willing to do just about anything to get that damn house, or more importantly, a book inside. They're vampires, by the way...just thought I'd throw that in there. It's clear right from the start that house is indeed cursed and it all centers on that book. So off to the wacky races we go, trying to get that book. One surefire method was to give the wife Mary a big ol vampire kiss on the neck so that he could control her and force her to retrieve the book for them. Throughout the movie, she slowly starts to show signs of becoming a vampire but the fatal flaw is now that she's becoming a vamp, she can't touch the book. Well thought out plan, dork.
Then VanHellsing shows up acting as an exterminator when a bat shows up in the attic, and of course all hell starts to break loose with monsters showing up in tubs, closets, refrigerators, etc....
Did I mention this was a comedy? What a difference 30+ years makes because I think I chuckled once throughout the film. Horror comedies have been around since the first horror films, but this one didn't even try! Even all 5 Scary Movies were funnier to watch. ALL OF THEM. This was a stinker and I waited all month to see it. As usual, I wanted a light or fun movie on the last day, and thought this would be perfect. I was wrong. It was dumb. And I'm done.
That's right! I'm out of movies! 31 in a row, and I think for the first time ever, no interruptions!
But I'm tired of movies. I'm going to go read a damn book or something
 |
| Nowhere in this film does any of these things happen. This movie poster is a LIE!!! |
Another throwback from the early '80s, I 'kinda' remember this movie on HBO and I thought it was funny but I never got to see the whole thing. I was also about 8 and thought the Smurfs were pretty boss. So much for nostalgia...
We meet John and his wife Mary at a will reading. Someone died and they won a house! Oh, and it's cursed. They also have kids and a dog making them the prototypical Reagan era nuclear family.
As they move into the new old house, we find another couple wanting to buy it, at any cost. They're willing to do just about anything to get that damn house, or more importantly, a book inside. They're vampires, by the way...just thought I'd throw that in there. It's clear right from the start that house is indeed cursed and it all centers on that book. So off to the wacky races we go, trying to get that book. One surefire method was to give the wife Mary a big ol vampire kiss on the neck so that he could control her and force her to retrieve the book for them. Throughout the movie, she slowly starts to show signs of becoming a vampire but the fatal flaw is now that she's becoming a vamp, she can't touch the book. Well thought out plan, dork.
Then VanHellsing shows up acting as an exterminator when a bat shows up in the attic, and of course all hell starts to break loose with monsters showing up in tubs, closets, refrigerators, etc....
Did I mention this was a comedy? What a difference 30+ years makes because I think I chuckled once throughout the film. Horror comedies have been around since the first horror films, but this one didn't even try! Even all 5 Scary Movies were funnier to watch. ALL OF THEM. This was a stinker and I waited all month to see it. As usual, I wanted a light or fun movie on the last day, and thought this would be perfect. I was wrong. It was dumb. And I'm done.
That's right! I'm out of movies! 31 in a row, and I think for the first time ever, no interruptions!
But I'm tired of movies. I'm going to go read a damn book or something
Sunday, October 30, 2016
It had 2 titles, and nobody knew either of them....
Seance aka Killer In The Dark.
Wow...where do I begin?
Let's start with the story basics. Dumb-ass father and young son break into a church and vandalize the hell out of it. For some reason, they climb up to the steeple and are struck by lightning and die. Fast forward to the future where we see Corey Feldman having a party with some old college buddies and tells a story about when he was a kid, he had a ghost friend, which I'm sure you've guessed by now, is the spirit of that poor child with the really dumb dad. "Hey, let's do a seance to see if I can still get a hold of that old chum of mine" , says Corey. Great idea, because we've never seen a horror film before and we have no idea what could possibly go wrong with that.
Naturally, everything goes wrong and that little bastard starts possessing people and offing the group of friends, one by one. Solid story writing. I hope they don't have any silly kills in....oh no, wait. A guy had his throat slit by a CD that came flying out of a computer. Never mind, we're already in suck-ville.
Yeah, this movie is shit. It's part legend because it was made in 2001 but never released. Not to theaters, VHS, DVD, or even to network. Someone had to leak it in 10 parts to Youtube, and after watching it, you'll know why....
http://www.theverge.com/2015/5/13/8597427/adam-west-corey-feldman-seance-killer-in-the-dark-youtube
I once watched a movie named The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made, and it featured a scene where a giant fetus destroyed a city. It was bad, but not the worst even though/because it was by design. This? This was trying to be a real movie but it looks more like a web-series. Most movies are filmed in 24-30 fps, and this was done in 48. That makes it look like a soap and I'm pretty sure they stole the sets from Guiding Light or some such. The F/X is all katsup and rubber knives, the acting is some of the worst I've ever seen, and I'm pretty sure the only reason Adam West shows up is because he was walking by the set one day and someone offered him $50 to say one line and wave his arms around for a total of 45 seconds of screen time.
Poor Corey Feldman. He really had to suck it up to do this film despite movie credits like 2 Friday the 13th installments, The Lost Boys, Toxic Avenger 4, Meatballs 4....Yet, he did this in 2001, and not learning anything from it, made Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys 3 years later. This is why you take acting classes even after you made it in Hollywood. YOU NEED RANGE, BRO!!! This, without a doubt, has been the worst movie I've seen this horror fest.
Monday: The final film for 2016
Wow...where do I begin?
Let's start with the story basics. Dumb-ass father and young son break into a church and vandalize the hell out of it. For some reason, they climb up to the steeple and are struck by lightning and die. Fast forward to the future where we see Corey Feldman having a party with some old college buddies and tells a story about when he was a kid, he had a ghost friend, which I'm sure you've guessed by now, is the spirit of that poor child with the really dumb dad. "Hey, let's do a seance to see if I can still get a hold of that old chum of mine" , says Corey. Great idea, because we've never seen a horror film before and we have no idea what could possibly go wrong with that.
Naturally, everything goes wrong and that little bastard starts possessing people and offing the group of friends, one by one. Solid story writing. I hope they don't have any silly kills in....oh no, wait. A guy had his throat slit by a CD that came flying out of a computer. Never mind, we're already in suck-ville.
Yeah, this movie is shit. It's part legend because it was made in 2001 but never released. Not to theaters, VHS, DVD, or even to network. Someone had to leak it in 10 parts to Youtube, and after watching it, you'll know why....
http://www.theverge.com/2015/5/13/8597427/adam-west-corey-feldman-seance-killer-in-the-dark-youtube
I once watched a movie named The Worst Horror Movie Ever Made, and it featured a scene where a giant fetus destroyed a city. It was bad, but not the worst even though/because it was by design. This? This was trying to be a real movie but it looks more like a web-series. Most movies are filmed in 24-30 fps, and this was done in 48. That makes it look like a soap and I'm pretty sure they stole the sets from Guiding Light or some such. The F/X is all katsup and rubber knives, the acting is some of the worst I've ever seen, and I'm pretty sure the only reason Adam West shows up is because he was walking by the set one day and someone offered him $50 to say one line and wave his arms around for a total of 45 seconds of screen time.
Poor Corey Feldman. He really had to suck it up to do this film despite movie credits like 2 Friday the 13th installments, The Lost Boys, Toxic Avenger 4, Meatballs 4....Yet, he did this in 2001, and not learning anything from it, made Puppet Master Vs. Demonic Toys 3 years later. This is why you take acting classes even after you made it in Hollywood. YOU NEED RANGE, BRO!!! This, without a doubt, has been the worst movie I've seen this horror fest.
Monday: The final film for 2016
Saturday, October 29, 2016
So tired of these Corny movies....
Children of the Corn 7: Revelation
I guess we're now in Omaha, and we meet Jamie on her way to Grandmothers house. Grandmother hasn't been sending mail, taking phone calls...seems she's dropped off the face of the earth (psst...she's dead. It's not a spoiler 'cuz you weren't REALLY going to watch this movie). While filing a missing persons report, she moves in to Granny's apartment on the advice of the detective and starts seeing some creepy corn cult kids that just sort of hang around. Later we realize that they're spooky ghosts and this being a corn cult kid movie, all the adults start dropping off by their hands. One is thrown from the roof of a building, one in a wheelchair is pushed out a window (I liked that one. He was an asshole), and one poor stripper is strangled by <sigh> corn stalks while taking a bath. Why you gotta kill the stripper? What the hell, man?!?
The back story explains that the grandmother was in a corn cult when she was a kid, and was the only survivor of a tent fire. The fire started when the po-po came to shut down the tent revival/cult meeting. Rather than be shut down, the kids just killed themselves...except for granny. We also learn late in the movie that Jamie's parents and grandmother were killed as a result of surviving the fire. I guess He Who Walks Behind The Rows wanted her to be a crispy critter. Jamie's next on the list. Whoop.
Besides the typical groan-worthy moments we usually see in these B-grade movies, the biggest annoyance I had was with Michael Ironside's character. Sure, he plays a spooky priest with a down-low voice and attitude, but he's only in one scene where he speaks, and all he does is warn Jamie to leave. That's IT. He offered no help AT ALL. He knew about the corn cult kids, knew what they were trying to do to her, and did NOTHING to help or stop the kids. He just showed up and said "Yup. Here's some wine." and left. Screw that guy.
And the biggest, brightest thing about this movie? It's the last damn Children Of The Corn movie as of 10/29/2016 and I'm DONE with this franchies....for now. There's talk of an 8th film in development for 2017. Double whoop.
Sunday: The only living Corey did a movie and then tried to hide if from us...
I guess we're now in Omaha, and we meet Jamie on her way to Grandmothers house. Grandmother hasn't been sending mail, taking phone calls...seems she's dropped off the face of the earth (psst...she's dead. It's not a spoiler 'cuz you weren't REALLY going to watch this movie). While filing a missing persons report, she moves in to Granny's apartment on the advice of the detective and starts seeing some creepy corn cult kids that just sort of hang around. Later we realize that they're spooky ghosts and this being a corn cult kid movie, all the adults start dropping off by their hands. One is thrown from the roof of a building, one in a wheelchair is pushed out a window (I liked that one. He was an asshole), and one poor stripper is strangled by <sigh> corn stalks while taking a bath. Why you gotta kill the stripper? What the hell, man?!?
The back story explains that the grandmother was in a corn cult when she was a kid, and was the only survivor of a tent fire. The fire started when the po-po came to shut down the tent revival/cult meeting. Rather than be shut down, the kids just killed themselves...except for granny. We also learn late in the movie that Jamie's parents and grandmother were killed as a result of surviving the fire. I guess He Who Walks Behind The Rows wanted her to be a crispy critter. Jamie's next on the list. Whoop.
Besides the typical groan-worthy moments we usually see in these B-grade movies, the biggest annoyance I had was with Michael Ironside's character. Sure, he plays a spooky priest with a down-low voice and attitude, but he's only in one scene where he speaks, and all he does is warn Jamie to leave. That's IT. He offered no help AT ALL. He knew about the corn cult kids, knew what they were trying to do to her, and did NOTHING to help or stop the kids. He just showed up and said "Yup. Here's some wine." and left. Screw that guy.
And the biggest, brightest thing about this movie? It's the last damn Children Of The Corn movie as of 10/29/2016 and I'm DONE with this franchies....for now. There's talk of an 8th film in development for 2017. Double whoop.
Sunday: The only living Corey did a movie and then tried to hide if from us...
So how many times have I stated "Oh, the crap I watch..."?
Rabid Grannies
A couple of old ladies invite their ungrateful bastard nieces and nephews for a birthday celebration. In true aristocratic form, family members could really care less as they are simply waiting for the old broads to die and collect the inheritance. One of the gifts the party girls receive is some sort of haunted box filled with smoke. The old gals take a hit off the box-bong and start mutating and eating the family.
The good news is, damn near every member of the family had it coming. The bad news is...well, everything else about this movie. Horrible over-acting, questionable F/X, boooooring story, and somehow they managed to stretch this turd out for 90 minutes.
Made with a paltry budget of $150K (in 1988 monies), this Belgian piece of crap was dubbed in English for a British audience, and somehow Troma got their hands on it. Not even that could help this steaming pile.
Saturday: NOBODY CARES WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS, BRAH!!!
 |
| The movie poster was WAY more fun than sitting through the movie |
A couple of old ladies invite their ungrateful bastard nieces and nephews for a birthday celebration. In true aristocratic form, family members could really care less as they are simply waiting for the old broads to die and collect the inheritance. One of the gifts the party girls receive is some sort of haunted box filled with smoke. The old gals take a hit off the box-bong and start mutating and eating the family.
The good news is, damn near every member of the family had it coming. The bad news is...well, everything else about this movie. Horrible over-acting, questionable F/X, boooooring story, and somehow they managed to stretch this turd out for 90 minutes.
Made with a paltry budget of $150K (in 1988 monies), this Belgian piece of crap was dubbed in English for a British audience, and somehow Troma got their hands on it. Not even that could help this steaming pile.
Saturday: NOBODY CARES WHO WALKS BEHIND THE ROWS, BRAH!!!
Thursday, October 27, 2016
A cure for insomnia...
Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return
SOoooo...once more to Gatlin, NE we go. A daughter of the freaks we saw in the first film is on a road trip to find her real mother. Right from the start, she seems to be hallucinating a preacher as a passenger in her car, run off the road by rednecks, and examined by a seemingly creepy doctor. While snooping around for info on her mother, she runs across a man laying comatose in a hospital. It turns out to be Isaac, long thought dead to the world. Once she arrives, he starts to stir, and is magically awoken from his 19 year slumber. I guess she's part of a prophecy and I really didn't care because this was a boring-ass movie. It really tries to tell a story, but we've seen this story 5 times already. This is the most boring of the series so far. There's some gore, but very tame. And what is it about being chased by crazed corn cult kids on motorcycles that makes the loins burn? "Hey, I know you almost just died getting cut up with machetes, but screw that. Lets do it!!!!"
Bah, this is a boring film and it's only redeeming quality was an appearance by Stacy Keach. Skip at all costs unless you're suffering from insomnia. It's so boring, I'm not even posting the movie poster.
Friday: This is why I never trust old ladies...
SOoooo...once more to Gatlin, NE we go. A daughter of the freaks we saw in the first film is on a road trip to find her real mother. Right from the start, she seems to be hallucinating a preacher as a passenger in her car, run off the road by rednecks, and examined by a seemingly creepy doctor. While snooping around for info on her mother, she runs across a man laying comatose in a hospital. It turns out to be Isaac, long thought dead to the world. Once she arrives, he starts to stir, and is magically awoken from his 19 year slumber. I guess she's part of a prophecy and I really didn't care because this was a boring-ass movie. It really tries to tell a story, but we've seen this story 5 times already. This is the most boring of the series so far. There's some gore, but very tame. And what is it about being chased by crazed corn cult kids on motorcycles that makes the loins burn? "Hey, I know you almost just died getting cut up with machetes, but screw that. Lets do it!!!!"
Bah, this is a boring film and it's only redeeming quality was an appearance by Stacy Keach. Skip at all costs unless you're suffering from insomnia. It's so boring, I'm not even posting the movie poster.
Friday: This is why I never trust old ladies...
Wednesday, October 26, 2016
God and Science never mix...
Prince Of Darkness
A priest dies, and lots of egg-heads are called together to figure out what this tall cylinder of swirly green-something sitting in the bottom of a Catholic church in LA is. Using science, we start to lean that there is a Satan of sorts, and he starts pulling strings to get homeless people to kill, worms to crawl windows, and priest to denounce their superiors. While said egg-heads are prattling around, talking smart stuff and using big words, one of the smarty-pants is sprayed in the mouth by what looks like Scope. Naturally, we learn that it's actually Satan juice and it causes all recipients to fall under the spell of 'Ol Scratch himself. Herself? I try to keep an open mind.
With everyone spitting green Satan Juice in each others face, pretty soon we're left with only a handful of survivors fighting for a way out. Near the end we also see that mirrors play a larger part that's really not explained, but made for a great visual. It also had a part in the climax that didn't really make a whole lot of sense. There's a couple of other plot holes that probably had explanations but were cut from the script or edited out. I have a feeling that if Carpenter made this movie today, we'd have all explanations in a damn near 2 hour event.
THIS is how horror movies should be made. Or rather, this is a classic example of a supreme '80s John Carpenter horror flick. I never got bored, the story was good enough, and Carpenter knows cinematography and how to direct. My advice to you is pick a Friday night, order a pizza, sit your ass on the couch, and watch. Is it perfect? No...but YES. I had to go to crappiest, most questionable websites on the net to get this movie watched. I've tried 3 times to get this in the line up, but each time Netflix, Hulu, and even Youtube deny me at the last minute. "Why not just buy it?!?" Because after being screwed over that many times by premium streaming services RIGHT BEFORE HALLOWEEN...I'd had enough. I'm poaching it, and while not proud, I am without guilt.
Check the cast:
Victor Wong!
Donald Pleasence!
But most importantly....
Alice Cooper!!! And he kills a man!!!!
Thursday:
A priest dies, and lots of egg-heads are called together to figure out what this tall cylinder of swirly green-something sitting in the bottom of a Catholic church in LA is. Using science, we start to lean that there is a Satan of sorts, and he starts pulling strings to get homeless people to kill, worms to crawl windows, and priest to denounce their superiors. While said egg-heads are prattling around, talking smart stuff and using big words, one of the smarty-pants is sprayed in the mouth by what looks like Scope. Naturally, we learn that it's actually Satan juice and it causes all recipients to fall under the spell of 'Ol Scratch himself. Herself? I try to keep an open mind.
With everyone spitting green Satan Juice in each others face, pretty soon we're left with only a handful of survivors fighting for a way out. Near the end we also see that mirrors play a larger part that's really not explained, but made for a great visual. It also had a part in the climax that didn't really make a whole lot of sense. There's a couple of other plot holes that probably had explanations but were cut from the script or edited out. I have a feeling that if Carpenter made this movie today, we'd have all explanations in a damn near 2 hour event.
THIS is how horror movies should be made. Or rather, this is a classic example of a supreme '80s John Carpenter horror flick. I never got bored, the story was good enough, and Carpenter knows cinematography and how to direct. My advice to you is pick a Friday night, order a pizza, sit your ass on the couch, and watch. Is it perfect? No...but YES. I had to go to crappiest, most questionable websites on the net to get this movie watched. I've tried 3 times to get this in the line up, but each time Netflix, Hulu, and even Youtube deny me at the last minute. "Why not just buy it?!?" Because after being screwed over that many times by premium streaming services RIGHT BEFORE HALLOWEEN...I'd had enough. I'm poaching it, and while not proud, I am without guilt.
Check the cast:
Victor Wong!
Donald Pleasence!
But most importantly....
Alice Cooper!!! And he kills a man!!!!
Thursday:
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
Go shuck yourself, you evil little brats...
Children of the Corn 5: Fields of Terror
It appears that the '90s were the most fertile ground for the CotC franchise. 5 of the 7 movies were produced from 1992 to 1999, and not ONE of them had a grunge sound track. Somewhat of a relief if you ask me. However, we do start with a bunch of late 20-somethings posing as early 20-somethings on a road trip to dump some ashes of a friend that committed suicide by bungee jumping. So in addition to the smattering of flannel shirts NOT worn by the creepy corn cult kids, it's clearly a '90s flavor going around. If only some young, self-absorbed slacker would start expressing him/herself...
Nonetheless, the killings start right away with a Betty caught stealing corn, and her Baldwin having a strange blow-up doll fetish. As the rest of the friends move into the area, it's clear this is a creepy town and mingling with the locals isn't helping at all. After some boring story telling about 'the past', the killings start to pick up and we learn about a fire in a silo that serves as a sacrificial volcano. But sadly, nothing shocking or amazing is seen because we've seen it all before. Dullsville, daddy-o.
A couple of thoughts : Why is it so hard for adults to run away or kill these murdering little brats? They seem powerless despite being twice the size, twice the strength? Also, I just can't take young Adam Wylie serious in any scene. He looks like a kid acting adult and failing bad.
Strange cast, though. Look at these nobody's that became kinda somebody's:
Eva Mendez!
Ahmet Zappa!
Fred Williamson!
And of course, David Carradine!
Friday: Third f-ing try getting this movie nailed down for Halloween...
It appears that the '90s were the most fertile ground for the CotC franchise. 5 of the 7 movies were produced from 1992 to 1999, and not ONE of them had a grunge sound track. Somewhat of a relief if you ask me. However, we do start with a bunch of late 20-somethings posing as early 20-somethings on a road trip to dump some ashes of a friend that committed suicide by bungee jumping. So in addition to the smattering of flannel shirts NOT worn by the creepy corn cult kids, it's clearly a '90s flavor going around. If only some young, self-absorbed slacker would start expressing him/herself...
Nonetheless, the killings start right away with a Betty caught stealing corn, and her Baldwin having a strange blow-up doll fetish. As the rest of the friends move into the area, it's clear this is a creepy town and mingling with the locals isn't helping at all. After some boring story telling about 'the past', the killings start to pick up and we learn about a fire in a silo that serves as a sacrificial volcano. But sadly, nothing shocking or amazing is seen because we've seen it all before. Dullsville, daddy-o.
A couple of thoughts : Why is it so hard for adults to run away or kill these murdering little brats? They seem powerless despite being twice the size, twice the strength? Also, I just can't take young Adam Wylie serious in any scene. He looks like a kid acting adult and failing bad.
Strange cast, though. Look at these nobody's that became kinda somebody's:
Eva Mendez!
Ahmet Zappa!
Fred Williamson!
And of course, David Carradine!
Friday: Third f-ing try getting this movie nailed down for Halloween...
Monday, October 24, 2016
Keeping up with the Joneses
Society
Poor rich kid Billy Whitney is having an identity crisis. He's part of a rich-as-fuck family, but just has a feeling he doesn't fit in despite being super popular, dating a high-school hottie, and being a dominating class president candidate. You really feel for him, living in that HUGE house, driving bro-dozer of a Jeep Wrangler. His pain and what he endures is really inspiring. He even has a therapist for guidance. However, I must say...it's obvious from the start that he's not treated the same as his sister, so he's on to something...
And that sucks, because for the next HOUR and TWENTY MINUTES we're treated to intrigue, suspicion, possible incest, and maybe murder. That's not a horror film. That's just a creepy drama. But the last 10 minutes...one of the most fucked-up scenes I've ever seen. It went from strange to ohhheEMMGEEE!!! WTF ARE THEY DOING TO THAT BOY?!?!?!
AND YOUR DAD
Poor rich kid Billy Whitney is having an identity crisis. He's part of a rich-as-fuck family, but just has a feeling he doesn't fit in despite being super popular, dating a high-school hottie, and being a dominating class president candidate. You really feel for him, living in that HUGE house, driving bro-dozer of a Jeep Wrangler. His pain and what he endures is really inspiring. He even has a therapist for guidance. However, I must say...it's obvious from the start that he's not treated the same as his sister, so he's on to something...
And that sucks, because for the next HOUR and TWENTY MINUTES we're treated to intrigue, suspicion, possible incest, and maybe murder. That's not a horror film. That's just a creepy drama. But the last 10 minutes...one of the most fucked-up scenes I've ever seen. It went from strange to ohhheEMMGEEE!!! WTF ARE THEY DOING TO THAT BOY?!?!?!
WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOUR MOTHER AND SISTER?!?!?!
AND YOUR DAD
WHAT ARE THESE FREAKS DOING?!?
You know what? I don't care. Screw it. I'm out.
Tuesday: It took 5 films before 'Field' showed up in the title....
Sunday, October 23, 2016
A Less Corny Affair.
Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering
We've moved from Gatlin, Nebraska to Grand Island, Nebraska. That's progress, right? Meh...We meet our protagonist, a very young Naomi Watts, coming home from med school to a find her mother having a break down, and her younger sister and brother are trying to cope. No idea where daddy is. All at once, the local kids start coming down with a fever that's caused by some sort of corn cult voodoo. Once the fevers break, we're treated to the same 'kill mommy & daddy' story-line that's been a mainstay of the franchise. Some back stories are told, but I don't really think they're meant to be cannon. This is the first move that makes no mention of Gatlin, or any of the previous films. This was more of a stand-alone film, and to be honest...I was glad for the departure. Will it last? I know for a fact it won't since the title for the 6th film pretty much gives it away.
Not a bad movie, but suffers from 'Just Another Damn Sequel' syndrome and that makes it largely forgettable. The gore was increased a little, and thankfully, corn was not the main focus of this movie. Here, it only serves as a back drop and not a third cast character. The plot holes will remind you of a buckshot riddled rural stop sign, but it seems pointless to make note of them. These are low budget horror films, after all. Try not to keep your expectations too high.
Monday: Shit's going to get really weird....
We've moved from Gatlin, Nebraska to Grand Island, Nebraska. That's progress, right? Meh...We meet our protagonist, a very young Naomi Watts, coming home from med school to a find her mother having a break down, and her younger sister and brother are trying to cope. No idea where daddy is. All at once, the local kids start coming down with a fever that's caused by some sort of corn cult voodoo. Once the fevers break, we're treated to the same 'kill mommy & daddy' story-line that's been a mainstay of the franchise. Some back stories are told, but I don't really think they're meant to be cannon. This is the first move that makes no mention of Gatlin, or any of the previous films. This was more of a stand-alone film, and to be honest...I was glad for the departure. Will it last? I know for a fact it won't since the title for the 6th film pretty much gives it away.
Not a bad movie, but suffers from 'Just Another Damn Sequel' syndrome and that makes it largely forgettable. The gore was increased a little, and thankfully, corn was not the main focus of this movie. Here, it only serves as a back drop and not a third cast character. The plot holes will remind you of a buckshot riddled rural stop sign, but it seems pointless to make note of them. These are low budget horror films, after all. Try not to keep your expectations too high.
Monday: Shit's going to get really weird....
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Damn, even the vampires in Canada are polite....
Blood And Donuts
Call it a quaint vampire movie from Canada, simply because it its. In 1969, during the moon landing, Boya, a Canadian vampire, decides to sleep...for 25 years. Some dork with the worst slice in golf is whacking balls around and conks him on the head, waking him. After scrounging for some rats blood to snack on, he decides to rejoin society. Once he finds a crappy apartment and a donut shop, he starts to slowly gain some life back in his undead ass.
After befriending a cabbie and donut shop maiden, it somehow becomes a Canadian Mob story-line involving David Cronenberg. Man, even the mob is super nice. It's hard to take them serious despite the baseball bats and dinky little gun.
Sadly, the story line isn't really that interesting. We've seen this before. The action is low, the horror is very mild, and there's a defibrillator scene that is unrealistic as hell, and the characters are as deep as a wading pool. It's billed as a 'comedy horror', but even the laughs are light. But strangely, I liked it. It's hard not to like anything Canadian.
Sunday: 4 more to go?!? Man....still better than puppets....
Call it a quaint vampire movie from Canada, simply because it its. In 1969, during the moon landing, Boya, a Canadian vampire, decides to sleep...for 25 years. Some dork with the worst slice in golf is whacking balls around and conks him on the head, waking him. After scrounging for some rats blood to snack on, he decides to rejoin society. Once he finds a crappy apartment and a donut shop, he starts to slowly gain some life back in his undead ass.
After befriending a cabbie and donut shop maiden, it somehow becomes a Canadian Mob story-line involving David Cronenberg. Man, even the mob is super nice. It's hard to take them serious despite the baseball bats and dinky little gun.
Sadly, the story line isn't really that interesting. We've seen this before. The action is low, the horror is very mild, and there's a defibrillator scene that is unrealistic as hell, and the characters are as deep as a wading pool. It's billed as a 'comedy horror', but even the laughs are light. But strangely, I liked it. It's hard not to like anything Canadian.
Sunday: 4 more to go?!? Man....still better than puppets....
Friday, October 21, 2016
Urban Farming is a great way to start cults...
Children of The Corn III: Urban Harvest
The next chapter in a strangely LONG franchise (7 movies in total) that few knew went past 2 films, brings us to the near half way point with a move to a more 'urban' theater. 2 young lads Eli and Joshua (from Gatlin, naturally) are relocated from Nebraska to Chicago after the father of one of them is 'venge-killed' by demon corn. Only the dumbest social worker in the world would relocate some young rual hayseeds to inner city Chicago. Really....dumb as hell. But if she hadn't, we wouldn't have a movie. It's OK, her face is melted later in the movie.
Once they're in the third largest city in the America, the two become polar opposites: Joshua assimilates, and Eli starts a Corn Cult that teaches how evil adults are. He also starts a corn field in the middle of a densely populated city. As the cult grows, so does the body count. Same as aways, only adults. Parents are killed, Priests are crucified, corn is grown. It's a real ball of excitement with a Midwest flavor to it.
The climax is the same as the first 2. It takes place during a Corn Mass in the middle of a corn field, that's in the middle of Chicago. Joshua decides that after seeing his new friend become decapitated and turned into Mekaneck, it's time to stop the shenanigans.
While Eli is quickly dispatched, that crazy dirt shark that we've been teased with during the first 2 movies makes a full-bodied appearance and it's revealed to be a plant monster. So...yeah. Kinda like Little Shop Of Horrors, but less cool.
Special Guest Star: Charliez Theron...and nobody else.
Saturday: The Sleeper has awoken...and brought donuts....
The next chapter in a strangely LONG franchise (7 movies in total) that few knew went past 2 films, brings us to the near half way point with a move to a more 'urban' theater. 2 young lads Eli and Joshua (from Gatlin, naturally) are relocated from Nebraska to Chicago after the father of one of them is 'venge-killed' by demon corn. Only the dumbest social worker in the world would relocate some young rual hayseeds to inner city Chicago. Really....dumb as hell. But if she hadn't, we wouldn't have a movie. It's OK, her face is melted later in the movie.
Once they're in the third largest city in the America, the two become polar opposites: Joshua assimilates, and Eli starts a Corn Cult that teaches how evil adults are. He also starts a corn field in the middle of a densely populated city. As the cult grows, so does the body count. Same as aways, only adults. Parents are killed, Priests are crucified, corn is grown. It's a real ball of excitement with a Midwest flavor to it.
The climax is the same as the first 2. It takes place during a Corn Mass in the middle of a corn field, that's in the middle of Chicago. Joshua decides that after seeing his new friend become decapitated and turned into Mekaneck, it's time to stop the shenanigans.
 |
| "No, He-Man. I can't see into Teela's bedroom window. Stop asking." |
Special Guest Star: Charliez Theron...and nobody else.
Saturday: The Sleeper has awoken...and brought donuts....
No One Brags About 6 Inches. No One.
Zombeavers
2014
Toxic medical waste that fell off a truck mutates a bunch of beavers into thewalking scurrying dead. It should be noted that the waste canister (which looked like a beer keg) traveled all the way downstream of a river filled with rocks, but sprung a leak when it hit a twig on a beaver dam.
Dun dun daaaa. Cue noxious college students.
Three Heathers are getting away from it all at a cabin in the woods, when their dude-bro BFs crash the party. Commence over-the-top sex scenes complete with one dude screaming, "I feel like a Power Ranger!" What does that even mean? Who says that? Also, I'm pretty sure this was said by the dude who's girlfriend was bragging that he had a 6" penis - a scene truly written by no woman ever. Have a seat, Green Ranger.
Seriously, the best thing about this was the end credits track. Otherwise, it was expected: whack-a-beaver, beaver/vagina jokes, felled trees, people werezombeavering, marginally good looking dudes with hot girls, sequel setups. Although, I will say this: there's not a whole lot of places you can hide from a zombie rodent. We're truly fucked if that ever happened.
On to the next...
2014
Toxic medical waste that fell off a truck mutates a bunch of beavers into the
Dun dun daaaa. Cue noxious college students.
Three Heathers are getting away from it all at a cabin in the woods, when their dude-bro BFs crash the party. Commence over-the-top sex scenes complete with one dude screaming, "I feel like a Power Ranger!" What does that even mean? Who says that? Also, I'm pretty sure this was said by the dude who's girlfriend was bragging that he had a 6" penis - a scene truly written by no woman ever. Have a seat, Green Ranger.
Seriously, the best thing about this was the end credits track. Otherwise, it was expected: whack-a-beaver, beaver/vagina jokes, felled trees, people werezombeavering, marginally good looking dudes with hot girls, sequel setups. Although, I will say this: there's not a whole lot of places you can hide from a zombie rodent. We're truly fucked if that ever happened.
On to the next...
A Troma joint
Chopper Chicks in Zombie Town
Roaming band of biker girls named the Cycle Sluts invade small western town just in time to fight off a zombie infestation. This story line has everything I could ever want! Zombies! Violence! Chopper Chicks! The perfect late night movie....but...
Damn it. For a Troma movie, I had high hopes. It's probably because I'm grown up now, but t his was dull as hell. There were a couple of funny scenes, but man was this a snooze. And it wasn't the acting. That was more than acceptable for this caliber of movie and though unpolished, it wasn't unbearable. I was really looking forward to this movie, but I just couldn't get into it. I've wanted to see this for years, but blaaaaa...Scratch that one off my movie bucket list.
Friday: Well, if Jason can go to Manhattan......
Roaming band of biker girls named the Cycle Sluts invade small western town just in time to fight off a zombie infestation. This story line has everything I could ever want! Zombies! Violence! Chopper Chicks! The perfect late night movie....but...
Damn it. For a Troma movie, I had high hopes. It's probably because I'm grown up now, but t his was dull as hell. There were a couple of funny scenes, but man was this a snooze. And it wasn't the acting. That was more than acceptable for this caliber of movie and though unpolished, it wasn't unbearable. I was really looking forward to this movie, but I just couldn't get into it. I've wanted to see this for years, but blaaaaa...Scratch that one off my movie bucket list.
 |
| BTW, that's Billy Bob Thorton. |
Friday: Well, if Jason can go to Manhattan......
Wednesday, October 19, 2016
A movie for people that hate kids and need to justify that hate....
Children Of The Corn II: The Final Sacrafice
We return to Gatlin to find all the kids have already killed every adult and hid them in basements, cornfields. Really, they could have buried them, burned the bodies, crushed the bones, buried bones...you get the idea. Nope, just stick them down in the basement next to all the Christmas decorations and VHS tapes you will never use again because your VCR died 8 years ago and you never replaced it. Once the bodies are discovered (first scene, actually), the news crews descend upon the sleepy little crap-burg and start to wet themselves over all the carnage. That's when we meet our dysfunctional Father/Son team on the away to the scene. Father is a discredited reporter, and Son is just a shit-headed teen that hates his dad. There's a divorce and a crap-ton of other baggage there, but thankfully it doesn't take up much of the movie. As they start asking questions, they run into the owner of a B&B that has just taken on one of the murdering children as a foster. Um...if they knew the kids did it, why did they disperse them amongst the innocent population? With out any sort of investigation? Maybe interrogate some of kids? Nope, dump them into foster care and hope they don't get molested.
As the story progresses, we also meet the new child-leader and he's just as preachy as Isaac was, but with a lot more goth to his attire. He rounds up the remaining kids, and sends them out to do his bidding. Which involved killing a lot of adults by locking them in a building during a town meeting and burning it down, and dropping a house on an old lady. But I shit you not, her last words were "Oh, what a world, what a world" while showing her legs sticking out from under the house. To clarify that, they included a scene from The Wizard of Oz in a horror movie about corn cult kids killing parents. Nice touch.
The climax happens in the same way the first movie, with a mass in the middle of a corn field and some last minute thinking that leads a kid to getting chewed up in a combine. Poetic maybe? Whatever, the mouthy little goth-tard is dead and everyone drives off in a convertible Mustang.
Two scenes that annoy me: (1) 2 other reporters in a van get lost in a corn field and are killed by cornstalks and a wind storm. Nobody ever looks for them, nobody ever finds them, their corpses and van are still sitting there. What was the point of that scene? Why didn't anyone come looking for them? (2) What was all that crap about the moldy corn causing dementia? That plot line when nowhere, and was blown to pieces when we see this:
Thursday: "Variety called it "a surprisingly funny B-movie spoof with a feminist edge." Uh-huh....
 |
| Ah, 1992. We had Eddie Bauer edition Ford Explorers, but no Photoshop. |
We return to Gatlin to find all the kids have already killed every adult and hid them in basements, cornfields. Really, they could have buried them, burned the bodies, crushed the bones, buried bones...you get the idea. Nope, just stick them down in the basement next to all the Christmas decorations and VHS tapes you will never use again because your VCR died 8 years ago and you never replaced it. Once the bodies are discovered (first scene, actually), the news crews descend upon the sleepy little crap-burg and start to wet themselves over all the carnage. That's when we meet our dysfunctional Father/Son team on the away to the scene. Father is a discredited reporter, and Son is just a shit-headed teen that hates his dad. There's a divorce and a crap-ton of other baggage there, but thankfully it doesn't take up much of the movie. As they start asking questions, they run into the owner of a B&B that has just taken on one of the murdering children as a foster. Um...if they knew the kids did it, why did they disperse them amongst the innocent population? With out any sort of investigation? Maybe interrogate some of kids? Nope, dump them into foster care and hope they don't get molested.
As the story progresses, we also meet the new child-leader and he's just as preachy as Isaac was, but with a lot more goth to his attire. He rounds up the remaining kids, and sends them out to do his bidding. Which involved killing a lot of adults by locking them in a building during a town meeting and burning it down, and dropping a house on an old lady. But I shit you not, her last words were "Oh, what a world, what a world" while showing her legs sticking out from under the house. To clarify that, they included a scene from The Wizard of Oz in a horror movie about corn cult kids killing parents. Nice touch.
The climax happens in the same way the first movie, with a mass in the middle of a corn field and some last minute thinking that leads a kid to getting chewed up in a combine. Poetic maybe? Whatever, the mouthy little goth-tard is dead and everyone drives off in a convertible Mustang.
Two scenes that annoy me: (1) 2 other reporters in a van get lost in a corn field and are killed by cornstalks and a wind storm. Nobody ever looks for them, nobody ever finds them, their corpses and van are still sitting there. What was the point of that scene? Why didn't anyone come looking for them? (2) What was all that crap about the moldy corn causing dementia? That plot line when nowhere, and was blown to pieces when we see this:
 |
| That's not moldy corn. That's...really bad rosacea. |
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
William Hurt Vs. Gorilla Boy
Altered States
Wikipedia bills it as a Science Fiction Horror film staring a very young William Hurt. I think it's a long but fascinating trip. and when I mean trip, I mean a Lysergic Acid Diethylamide trip down WTF Lane. Filled with imagery that's wide open for interpretation, it might test your patience. Because like many psychological thrillers (be honest, that's what this movie is), you're conventional thinking is on constant guard as you're bombarded with visuals and the constant question: is it really happening or is is a hallucination?
John Hurt plays a college professor that likes to tinker with sensory deprivation tanks and hallucinations. He goes as far as Mexico to get hooked up with some trippy acid made by some half-assed Incan tribe. So knowing that you can have a natural hallucination under normal conditions in a sensory deprivation tank, you know what sounds like a great idea? Add lots of acid!!! Nothing could possibly go wrong, right? Actually, it does, and he starts physically regressing to a primitive caveman and eats a goat after breaking into a zoo. He finally passes out and is found returned to normal by a security guard. Once bailed out of prison, what's the next best thing to do after an experiment like that? That's right! Up the dosage and do it again!!!
This time, things get a little to regressive and he goes primordial. Though to be honest, I had to read up on that because that wasn't my interpretation. My actual interpretation was a much less imaginative "W.T.F.?!?" Nonetheless, he's saved and taken home.
The final scene, while not anti-climatic, was a little more obvious but equally weird and we're treated to a 'love conquers all' with naked people.
I first saw this around 10 while sitting in a hotel room in Ottumwa IA, and I remember being weirded out by it for weeks. This was like going back to a very old memory and I'm surprised at how much I recognized from that night 30-something years ago. No, not much of a horror movie, but still a good watch.
Wednesday: I love it when a sequel has "Final" in the title. It's usually a lie....
Wikipedia bills it as a Science Fiction Horror film staring a very young William Hurt. I think it's a long but fascinating trip. and when I mean trip, I mean a Lysergic Acid Diethylamide trip down WTF Lane. Filled with imagery that's wide open for interpretation, it might test your patience. Because like many psychological thrillers (be honest, that's what this movie is), you're conventional thinking is on constant guard as you're bombarded with visuals and the constant question: is it really happening or is is a hallucination?
John Hurt plays a college professor that likes to tinker with sensory deprivation tanks and hallucinations. He goes as far as Mexico to get hooked up with some trippy acid made by some half-assed Incan tribe. So knowing that you can have a natural hallucination under normal conditions in a sensory deprivation tank, you know what sounds like a great idea? Add lots of acid!!! Nothing could possibly go wrong, right? Actually, it does, and he starts physically regressing to a primitive caveman and eats a goat after breaking into a zoo. He finally passes out and is found returned to normal by a security guard. Once bailed out of prison, what's the next best thing to do after an experiment like that? That's right! Up the dosage and do it again!!!
This time, things get a little to regressive and he goes primordial. Though to be honest, I had to read up on that because that wasn't my interpretation. My actual interpretation was a much less imaginative "W.T.F.?!?" Nonetheless, he's saved and taken home.
The final scene, while not anti-climatic, was a little more obvious but equally weird and we're treated to a 'love conquers all' with naked people.
I first saw this around 10 while sitting in a hotel room in Ottumwa IA, and I remember being weirded out by it for weeks. This was like going back to a very old memory and I'm surprised at how much I recognized from that night 30-something years ago. No, not much of a horror movie, but still a good watch.
Wednesday: I love it when a sequel has "Final" in the title. It's usually a lie....
Monday, October 17, 2016
His name is Baal. There I've said it.
The Rite
2011
Michael joins seminary school to get out of his small town life as a mortuary assistant to his father. His plan is to resign just before taking his vows, but it seems there's a snag. Apparently, if you fail to take your vow after seminary school, your scholarship will be converted into student loans - to the tune of $100,000. Guess he really is a vindictive god.
He end up going to take a special course in exorcism in Rome. Since he's still a skeptic, he's sent to observe a practicing exorcist named Father Lucas. Lucas' antics test his faith, even when evidence points to supernatural possession versus psychiatric disorders.
It wasn't a bad movie, but it wasn't really suspenseful or scary or a thriller. The possessions were mundane and it really just felt like religious propaganda to me. Honestly, Michael's turn to the cloth wasn't even moving for me. This film was stylistically better than the others but I've seen way better films about wavering faith. Hell, one 40 minute episodes of Penny Dreadful would be more passionate on the subject than film. On the other hand, no one there doubted the existence of evil so maybe it's not the best analogy. Anywho, I hope the next flicks are better.
2011
Michael joins seminary school to get out of his small town life as a mortuary assistant to his father. His plan is to resign just before taking his vows, but it seems there's a snag. Apparently, if you fail to take your vow after seminary school, your scholarship will be converted into student loans - to the tune of $100,000. Guess he really is a vindictive god.
He end up going to take a special course in exorcism in Rome. Since he's still a skeptic, he's sent to observe a practicing exorcist named Father Lucas. Lucas' antics test his faith, even when evidence points to supernatural possession versus psychiatric disorders.
It wasn't a bad movie, but it wasn't really suspenseful or scary or a thriller. The possessions were mundane and it really just felt like religious propaganda to me. Honestly, Michael's turn to the cloth wasn't even moving for me. This film was stylistically better than the others but I've seen way better films about wavering faith. Hell, one 40 minute episodes of Penny Dreadful would be more passionate on the subject than film. On the other hand, no one there doubted the existence of evil so maybe it's not the best analogy. Anywho, I hope the next flicks are better.
Yet Another Craigslist Ad Gone Bad
Creep
2014
Mild-mannered and cash-strapped videographer, Aaron, takes a gig paying $1,000 for a 1-day filming and "discretion." The ad was placed by "Josef", who claims its for his unborn child, whom he'll never meet due to inoperable brain tumor. Josef is totally off kilter, blaming it on the tumor and his mere months to live. The problem is...Peachfuzz.
Uncomfortably weird and touchy-feely as he is, Josef's story might've been believable if it wasn't for Peachfuzz. It's a wolf mask he claims was created by his father to help kids get past their fear. I'll let you decide if believe him:
Yeeeeah...
So after the Peachfuzz song and dance - and I mean that literally - Josef gets progressively stranger. There's a psuedo-pagan water ritual and a few times where Aaron suspects Josef is lying. Eventually, he confesses to a crime and then goes right back to making his daddy movie like it's nothing.
Why Aaron doesn't just beat the shit out of him and cart him off to the police is beyond me. The guy stalks him right up the end, which is just frustratingly mind-boggling. Having dealt with stalkers both online and off, I can sympathize with how hard it can be to get justice as a victim, but ignoring the obvious red flags is just stupid.
I wouldn't say this movie is scary in the conventional sense of horror movies. Also, it basically has a two person cast. However, it's worth a watch because there are points when the creep-factor are off the charts: invasion of privacy, realizing you have no real information, loss of control, etc. Plus, Peachfuzz. I mean come on. I would've been out the door before he even finished the first verse.
2014
Mild-mannered and cash-strapped videographer, Aaron, takes a gig paying $1,000 for a 1-day filming and "discretion." The ad was placed by "Josef", who claims its for his unborn child, whom he'll never meet due to inoperable brain tumor. Josef is totally off kilter, blaming it on the tumor and his mere months to live. The problem is...Peachfuzz.
Uncomfortably weird and touchy-feely as he is, Josef's story might've been believable if it wasn't for Peachfuzz. It's a wolf mask he claims was created by his father to help kids get past their fear. I'll let you decide if believe him:
 | ||
| because this is the mask I'd use to help little kids |
So after the Peachfuzz song and dance - and I mean that literally - Josef gets progressively stranger. There's a psuedo-pagan water ritual and a few times where Aaron suspects Josef is lying. Eventually, he confesses to a crime and then goes right back to making his daddy movie like it's nothing.
Why Aaron doesn't just beat the shit out of him and cart him off to the police is beyond me. The guy stalks him right up the end, which is just frustratingly mind-boggling. Having dealt with stalkers both online and off, I can sympathize with how hard it can be to get justice as a victim, but ignoring the obvious red flags is just stupid.
I wouldn't say this movie is scary in the conventional sense of horror movies. Also, it basically has a two person cast. However, it's worth a watch because there are points when the creep-factor are off the charts: invasion of privacy, realizing you have no real information, loss of control, etc. Plus, Peachfuzz. I mean come on. I would've been out the door before he even finished the first verse.
O'er the Moors and Into the Woods
The Beast of Xmoor
2014
A scantily clad chick running through the woods is a generic opener for like 60% of all low budget horror and slasher flicks. Guess we know what caliber this will be...plus is stars no one you'd give a shit about. This season's off to a good start.
So basically our female lead Georgia is a wannabe krypto-investigative journalist, looking to bust open the beastie case of the century. She's dragged along her cameraman boyfriend to the middle of fuckall nowhere in England. Ireland? Who cares! They're looking for a panther that's supposedly loose on the moors, killing stuff. Fox, her possible sleazebag contact, lures them all the way out across the moor and into the woods - on the authority of meth head no less - where they discover the hunting ground of a different animal altogether.
Maybe I'm just jaded but I really wanted them all to just die. Georgia's boyfriend was an annoying bitch who whined and freaked out for most of his camera time - as did Georgia. Fox was the only one I liked, even though he totally tricked them into a serial rapist/killer's den, and then went limp-wristed when it was time to nut up.
The whole second half of the movie is them stumbling around in a dark FOREST trying to avoid the killer - who is inexplicably dressed like a beekeeper or fencer. Amazingly, they seems to keep circling back to the same areas even though aerial shots show the place is fucking massive. Somehow they manage to stay within rage of the 40-something camera they've set up to film the "cat" roaming.
There was some other weird stuff in this flick - like psycho ginger twins and a one-eyed girl - but mostly it just kind of sucked. I'm actually sorry that there was a survivor.
2014
A scantily clad chick running through the woods is a generic opener for like 60% of all low budget horror and slasher flicks. Guess we know what caliber this will be...plus is stars no one you'd give a shit about. This season's off to a good start.
So basically our female lead Georgia is a wannabe krypto-investigative journalist, looking to bust open the beastie case of the century. She's dragged along her cameraman boyfriend to the middle of fuckall nowhere in England. Ireland? Who cares! They're looking for a panther that's supposedly loose on the moors, killing stuff. Fox, her possible sleazebag contact, lures them all the way out across the moor and into the woods - on the authority of meth head no less - where they discover the hunting ground of a different animal altogether.
Maybe I'm just jaded but I really wanted them all to just die. Georgia's boyfriend was an annoying bitch who whined and freaked out for most of his camera time - as did Georgia. Fox was the only one I liked, even though he totally tricked them into a serial rapist/killer's den, and then went limp-wristed when it was time to nut up.
The whole second half of the movie is them stumbling around in a dark FOREST trying to avoid the killer - who is inexplicably dressed like a beekeeper or fencer. Amazingly, they seems to keep circling back to the same areas even though aerial shots show the place is fucking massive. Somehow they manage to stay within rage of the 40-something camera they've set up to film the "cat" roaming.
There was some other weird stuff in this flick - like psycho ginger twins and a one-eyed girl - but mostly it just kind of sucked. I'm actually sorry that there was a survivor.
Never stop in small towns, and NEVER stop to help...
Children of the Corn
Another classic from the '80s, based on a short story by Stephen King. This movie is what ruined peoples perceptions of the Great Plains, and unfairly condemned gingers. Or at least one by the name of Courtney Gains aka Malachi.
I'm not really worried about giving too much away since the movie is over 30 years old. If you haven't seen it yet, you probably won't. Unless you're me, who tracks this crap down. It's a compulsion of mine, in case you haven't figured that out by now.
In a small Nebraska town named Gatlin, there's a crap ton of creepy kids that murder for blood. In the opening scene, they annihilate everyone in a small diner with poison, axes, and knives. We jump ahead 3 years, and it appears they extended that greeting to the entire town. There doesn't appear to be any adults left and the town has basically dropped off the face of the Earth. Our two protagonist, Burt and Vicky, are strolling down the highway on a road trip to someplace called California. Suddenly, they hit a small child and think they killed him. Upon further investigation, it's revealed the kid died of stab wounds for trying to escape the creepy corn kids cult. From there, we're treated to a really boring 40 minute run up that very slowly tells the back story of what happened to all the adults. Seriously, that part is brutally boring. None of the back story really matters so skip ahead if you're trying to stay awake
Eventually, we meet Isaac, and his enforcer, Malachi. They don't like adults, they don't like outsiders, and Burt and Vicky are gonna be sacrifices for some sort of corn demon. Towards the end, said corn demon 'kinda' shows his face as he's dying in a fire. I always thought demons were somewhat immune that sort of thing since they were from Hell. Isn't that Hell's trademark? Fire and brimstone?
Aside from the movie being dull, it's biggest crime was the terrible 3rd rate F/X when the demon shows up. They basically Ralph Bakshi'd it with rotoscoping and color filters. Hack job, even for a 1984 budget.
Remember, Star Wars was released in '77, and the F/X were miles ahead of this film
Though not a terrible movie, it's dull partially because it LOOKS dull. The setting is all in Earth-tones like brown, light brown and medium brown. Brown...oh, there was a dull yellow car. When that's your atmosphere, it's guaranteed to be a bland experience.
Tuesday: Sensory Deprivation is soooooo '80s cliche.....
Another classic from the '80s, based on a short story by Stephen King. This movie is what ruined peoples perceptions of the Great Plains, and unfairly condemned gingers. Or at least one by the name of Courtney Gains aka Malachi.
 |
| Serious. You will want to punch him. In the face, really hard. |
In a small Nebraska town named Gatlin, there's a crap ton of creepy kids that murder for blood. In the opening scene, they annihilate everyone in a small diner with poison, axes, and knives. We jump ahead 3 years, and it appears they extended that greeting to the entire town. There doesn't appear to be any adults left and the town has basically dropped off the face of the Earth. Our two protagonist, Burt and Vicky, are strolling down the highway on a road trip to someplace called California. Suddenly, they hit a small child and think they killed him. Upon further investigation, it's revealed the kid died of stab wounds for trying to escape the creepy corn kids cult. From there, we're treated to a really boring 40 minute run up that very slowly tells the back story of what happened to all the adults. Seriously, that part is brutally boring. None of the back story really matters so skip ahead if you're trying to stay awake
Eventually, we meet Isaac, and his enforcer, Malachi. They don't like adults, they don't like outsiders, and Burt and Vicky are gonna be sacrifices for some sort of corn demon. Towards the end, said corn demon 'kinda' shows his face as he's dying in a fire. I always thought demons were somewhat immune that sort of thing since they were from Hell. Isn't that Hell's trademark? Fire and brimstone?
Aside from the movie being dull, it's biggest crime was the terrible 3rd rate F/X when the demon shows up. They basically Ralph Bakshi'd it with rotoscoping and color filters. Hack job, even for a 1984 budget.
 |
| Exhibit A: Crap. |
 |
| Exhibit B: YOU DIDN'T EVEN TRY!!! |
Remember, Star Wars was released in '77, and the F/X were miles ahead of this film
Though not a terrible movie, it's dull partially because it LOOKS dull. The setting is all in Earth-tones like brown, light brown and medium brown. Brown...oh, there was a dull yellow car. When that's your atmosphere, it's guaranteed to be a bland experience.
Tuesday: Sensory Deprivation is soooooo '80s cliche.....
Sunday, October 16, 2016
"Mensa splooge is very valuable on the black market"
Evil Bong 3
Now there's an alien bong. It's weed is out of this word. So once more down the stupid rabbit hole we go. Everyone takes a hit off the bong so they can go inside of it and save the day or something. There's some white-guy kung fu bro-dawg fighting, testicle milking, and naked women painted up for black light. Who cares. This thing was filmed in 2 rooms, and one outdoor scene. Yet somehow, it still has its own Wikipedia page that I will quote: "Evil Bong was shot in 3D and utilized scratch and sniff cards that film viewers could smell at certain times during the film."
There's still 2 MORE films in the crappy franchise, but the good news is, I'm not covering any of those for the rest of the month.
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| Gentlemen, you've captured my feelings about these movies. All of them. |
Monday: I'm half way through this month, and things are about to get really corny....
Saturday, October 15, 2016
She watch Channel Zero!!!
Terrorvision
Just so we're clear about something, I spent most of my movie life thinking this was a true horror movie, despite having never watched it. Again, jokes on me because this is a Charlie Band film and that means "barrel scraping low budget horror comedy". This movie is why Evil Bong and Gingerdead Man exist. That's right, it's all this Goddamn movies fault. Hell, even some of the cast from Evil Bong are in this.
What we have here is an alien infestation of the satellite dish and TV's. Some ugly ass monster from the planet Pluton was 'accidentally' 'transmitted' to the satellite dish of unsuspecting swingers, the Puttermans. Said monster hops in and out of TVs, kills people, and is really really slimy. And everyone dies in the end, even the good guys. Do you know how many movies I wished that happened in? It's like I get to yell "FINALLY!!!". And then I'm stuck with the emptiness of having fulfilled my goals, and lived my dreams with nothing else to work for. Screw it, I'll take it!
This should get more air play. It's stupid, but also cheesy enough for late night TV. It has a lot of quirks (including polyester pleated plaid pants) and reminds me of Meet The Hollowheads. Someday, I might have to start my own TV station so this crap sees more air play.
Sunday: Oh the shit I'm willing to watch for no monetary compensation...
Just so we're clear about something, I spent most of my movie life thinking this was a true horror movie, despite having never watched it. Again, jokes on me because this is a Charlie Band film and that means "barrel scraping low budget horror comedy". This movie is why Evil Bong and Gingerdead Man exist. That's right, it's all this Goddamn movies fault. Hell, even some of the cast from Evil Bong are in this.
 |
| Did I mention this was from 1986? |
 |
| That thing on the bottom right? That's his other eye and/or penis. |
This should get more air play. It's stupid, but also cheesy enough for late night TV. It has a lot of quirks (including polyester pleated plaid pants) and reminds me of Meet The Hollowheads. Someday, I might have to start my own TV station so this crap sees more air play.
Sunday: Oh the shit I'm willing to watch for no monetary compensation...
Friday, October 14, 2016
Ok, this REALLY isn't horror...
Mulligan #2
The Evil Brain From Outer Space
By the title, it seems like a drive-in horror film, right? Nah...this is a condensed and translated film from Nippon that features Star Man (or Super Giant), the first Japanese TV hero. Yay.
Some brain from a really evil prick is in stuck in a suit case, but somehow, it can trigger nuclear war. It's up to Star Man to stop it from...um...I dunno, brief-casing the world to death? Hell if I know, I wasn't into it at all. It felt more like a cloak and dagger film than a super hero film, but that's the problem. It's NOT a horror film and though I love these classic public domain serials, this was boring as hell. I'm just not into super heroes in leotards and capes tonight.
Thankfully, the pain stops at around 78 minutes.Moving on....
Saturday: BOOB TUBE!!!
The Evil Brain From Outer Space
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| Those are some sweet, sweet jumpers, brah! |
By the title, it seems like a drive-in horror film, right? Nah...this is a condensed and translated film from Nippon that features Star Man (or Super Giant), the first Japanese TV hero. Yay.
Some brain from a really evil prick is in stuck in a suit case, but somehow, it can trigger nuclear war. It's up to Star Man to stop it from...um...I dunno, brief-casing the world to death? Hell if I know, I wasn't into it at all. It felt more like a cloak and dagger film than a super hero film, but that's the problem. It's NOT a horror film and though I love these classic public domain serials, this was boring as hell. I'm just not into super heroes in leotards and capes tonight.
Thankfully, the pain stops at around 78 minutes.Moving on....
Saturday: BOOB TUBE!!!
Thursday, October 13, 2016
"We can't run around with 3 naked kids. Not even in Hollywood."
Wavelength
I first saw this film when I was really young, and I thought it was strange and a bit creepy. When I found out you could watch it on YouTube in its entirety, I put it on the list. I don't remember it being low budge, but it had a Carradine in the cast. That gave me reason for concern.
First, the good news: It's ROBERT Carradine, so not all is lost. However, you will keep thinking about Revenge of the Nerds throughout the movie or at least whenever he's in a scene. The bad news? After starting out strong, the movie reveals its economy. But hey, it also has former Runaway Cherie Currie. So that's not so bad, right?
Simply put, aliens resembling naked 10 year old boys have been kept in a secret facility in the Hollywood Hills. When first placed there, it was assumed they were dead. For whatever reason, when Cherie Currie's character comes near the facility, they start to stir and it becomes obvious they were just dormant. So the Government being the the tools they are, try to cover it up by burying both the aliens, and our two protagonists.
The problem is, this movie started out as a very interesting story, but towards the end, it slowed way down and became cumbersome. The writers seemed to have run out of the good stuff and loaded it with boring filler. And the ending? While not anti-climatic, it was mostly meh. But one thing for sure, they got the military leadership down pat. That was the most believable thing about this movie.
Isn't is sad that this 'low budget' movie made in 1983 is still miles above most in the same class today? This felt like a modest budget movie by comparison. Maybe not a true horror film, but I used the aliens as the qualifier, so it's not another Mulligan.
Best quote: "they've got to put something on (sic clothes), we can't run around with 3 naked kids. Not even in Hollywood."
Friday: Your FACE is from outer space....
I first saw this film when I was really young, and I thought it was strange and a bit creepy. When I found out you could watch it on YouTube in its entirety, I put it on the list. I don't remember it being low budge, but it had a Carradine in the cast. That gave me reason for concern.
First, the good news: It's ROBERT Carradine, so not all is lost. However, you will keep thinking about Revenge of the Nerds throughout the movie or at least whenever he's in a scene. The bad news? After starting out strong, the movie reveals its economy. But hey, it also has former Runaway Cherie Currie. So that's not so bad, right?
 |
| naaaaaaakkeeeeeed |
Simply put, aliens resembling naked 10 year old boys have been kept in a secret facility in the Hollywood Hills. When first placed there, it was assumed they were dead. For whatever reason, when Cherie Currie's character comes near the facility, they start to stir and it becomes obvious they were just dormant. So the Government being the the tools they are, try to cover it up by burying both the aliens, and our two protagonists.
The problem is, this movie started out as a very interesting story, but towards the end, it slowed way down and became cumbersome. The writers seemed to have run out of the good stuff and loaded it with boring filler. And the ending? While not anti-climatic, it was mostly meh. But one thing for sure, they got the military leadership down pat. That was the most believable thing about this movie.
Isn't is sad that this 'low budget' movie made in 1983 is still miles above most in the same class today? This felt like a modest budget movie by comparison. Maybe not a true horror film, but I used the aliens as the qualifier, so it's not another Mulligan.
Best quote: "they've got to put something on (sic clothes), we can't run around with 3 naked kids. Not even in Hollywood."
Friday: Your FACE is from outer space....
Wednesday, October 12, 2016
Really , I never know when I've reached the bottom of the barrel..
Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver or Roller Boogieman
I'm not a journalist, nor have a ever pretended to be. Journalists have an amazing talent to squeeze 500+ words about nothing and still keep you reading. I, on the other hand, struggle to manage 2 paragraphs about the last movie in a stupid low budget horror franchise featuring a gingerbread cookie possessed by the soul of a homicidal maniac. But here goes anyway....
In a blatant rip-off of Silence of the Lambs, we meet the stupid Gingerdead Man in an asylum filled with other foods that have become homicidal. Some idiotic PETA terrorists release them all, thinking they're animals caged beyond their will. Apparently, they missed all of the sights saying 'INSANE ASYLUM' as they drove towards the building. And also missed the sign on the door. Like I said, 'DUMB". With Gingy released, he wanders into a secret lab working on time travel and after killing the scientists, he goes for a ride to 1976. Solid. Plot.
Once transported, he lands in a damn roller rink during the height (?) of the disco era, and starts killing people with methods like: Hooking up a vat of acid to the hose of a bikini car wash. I guess lots of roller rinks use hydrochloric acid for...stuff. Lots more stabbing, nail gunning, chopping, and slicing till the end when things go all Carrie-like and everyone is electrocuted. Then Hitler, Manson, Dahmer, and Borden show up and that...that right there was when I realized I was watching a silly movie. And for now, the last one in this franchise. Yay.
Tuesday: In movies, why are most aliens naked?
I'm not a journalist, nor have a ever pretended to be. Journalists have an amazing talent to squeeze 500+ words about nothing and still keep you reading. I, on the other hand, struggle to manage 2 paragraphs about the last movie in a stupid low budget horror franchise featuring a gingerbread cookie possessed by the soul of a homicidal maniac. But here goes anyway....
In a blatant rip-off of Silence of the Lambs, we meet the stupid Gingerdead Man in an asylum filled with other foods that have become homicidal. Some idiotic PETA terrorists release them all, thinking they're animals caged beyond their will. Apparently, they missed all of the sights saying 'INSANE ASYLUM' as they drove towards the building. And also missed the sign on the door. Like I said, 'DUMB". With Gingy released, he wanders into a secret lab working on time travel and after killing the scientists, he goes for a ride to 1976. Solid. Plot.
Once transported, he lands in a damn roller rink during the height (?) of the disco era, and starts killing people with methods like: Hooking up a vat of acid to the hose of a bikini car wash. I guess lots of roller rinks use hydrochloric acid for...stuff. Lots more stabbing, nail gunning, chopping, and slicing till the end when things go all Carrie-like and everyone is electrocuted. Then Hitler, Manson, Dahmer, and Borden show up and that...that right there was when I realized I was watching a silly movie. And for now, the last one in this franchise. Yay.
Tuesday: In movies, why are most aliens naked?
Tuesday, October 11, 2016
Someone's got a man-crush.....
Super 8
Warning: This is going to be less about the story, and more about the movie's impact. Or lack thereof.
It's pretty obvious from the start that this is a nice homage to Spielberg movies that a lot of us grew up watching. And I liked the style, but you could also tell the difference between an imitation and the real thing. I wanted this to be as fun as Stranger Things, and I had a good feeling till the overly obnoxious train wreck scene near the start. For a minute there, I thought I was watching a Michael Bay movie. It was just so over the top and distracting from the story. Through out the rest of the movie, there was some pretty cool visuals, but could you PLEASE stop with the damn lens flare?!? We get it! You really like Spielberg! Get your own trademark, fanboy
You could make the argument that the only reason Stranger Things exists is because of Super 8. And more than likely, you're right. But Super 8 came and went with little fanfare, despite the great box office numbers. Is there any scene really memorable? Aside from the train wreck, not really. And the cast? Two of the kids annoyed the fuck out of me. First one: The Filmmaker. He needs to shut up. Second one: The puker. He was a damn crybaby and I hated him in every scene. Everyone else, really forgettable.
In contrast, Stranger things had a great cast filled with awkward boys creeping through early puberty, a creepy and confused older brother, a mother going out of her mind, and a damaged and flawed cop that was believable. The story was far more strange, with a much less comical view of the era. It didn't focus on the time period nearly as hard as Super 8 did. Though it had much more time for set up, the amount of memorable scenes blows away anything S-8 had to offer, so as far as I'm concerned, Stranger Things wins this battle easily.
I think it's because Abrams tries too hard to make it identical to the past, whereas the Duffer Brothers worked on the adding just enough weird to make you think about it long after the the final credits. Super 8 was actually a very good film and I do recommend it, but it's also fan service with a very shallow plot. We've all seen this before and nobody's got the balls to put something out there that blows our minds.
Wednes.....oh damn it, this asshole again? What was I thinking?!?
Warning: This is going to be less about the story, and more about the movie's impact. Or lack thereof.
It's pretty obvious from the start that this is a nice homage to Spielberg movies that a lot of us grew up watching. And I liked the style, but you could also tell the difference between an imitation and the real thing. I wanted this to be as fun as Stranger Things, and I had a good feeling till the overly obnoxious train wreck scene near the start. For a minute there, I thought I was watching a Michael Bay movie. It was just so over the top and distracting from the story. Through out the rest of the movie, there was some pretty cool visuals, but could you PLEASE stop with the damn lens flare?!? We get it! You really like Spielberg! Get your own trademark, fanboy
You could make the argument that the only reason Stranger Things exists is because of Super 8. And more than likely, you're right. But Super 8 came and went with little fanfare, despite the great box office numbers. Is there any scene really memorable? Aside from the train wreck, not really. And the cast? Two of the kids annoyed the fuck out of me. First one: The Filmmaker. He needs to shut up. Second one: The puker. He was a damn crybaby and I hated him in every scene. Everyone else, really forgettable.
In contrast, Stranger things had a great cast filled with awkward boys creeping through early puberty, a creepy and confused older brother, a mother going out of her mind, and a damaged and flawed cop that was believable. The story was far more strange, with a much less comical view of the era. It didn't focus on the time period nearly as hard as Super 8 did. Though it had much more time for set up, the amount of memorable scenes blows away anything S-8 had to offer, so as far as I'm concerned, Stranger Things wins this battle easily.
I think it's because Abrams tries too hard to make it identical to the past, whereas the Duffer Brothers worked on the adding just enough weird to make you think about it long after the the final credits. Super 8 was actually a very good film and I do recommend it, but it's also fan service with a very shallow plot. We've all seen this before and nobody's got the balls to put something out there that blows our minds.
Wednes.....oh damn it, this asshole again? What was I thinking?!?
It's another tradition of mine....
Urea ....er, Area 51 aka This Years Mulligan!
What I THOUGHT I was getting was the old 1980 film Hanger 18. Nope, I ended up with a SyFy channel POS staring Bruce Boxleitner and a bunch of other lame actors. I love it when they do the ridiculous shark movies, but the alien crap is just blaaaa. It's good to fill in a Saturday afternoon when it's too hot or too cold to go out side. In other words, when you can't escape it.
All I'll bother you with is this: It's a movie about trapped aliens getting loose at Area 51. They chop up a lot of people, and almost everyone dies in the end. Even Bruce. It's a crappy movie.
But then again, I guess it's not THAT bad. They didn't use any CGI crap, and the monsters were all true F/X, but it didn't explain whey their were 3 different species of aliens. Did they all come on the same ship? Did they come in separate vehicles? Is this the only work Bruce Boxleitner can get? I can only answer that last one, and it's 'YES'. Did you ever see Transmorphers 2? Nobody but me has, and that's the best he can get now. But not all's lost. He can still act circles around the rest of these community theater rejects. So at least he's got that going on.
Whatever, I'm going to stream Miami Vice on Hulu.
Tuesday: It sounds like a seedy motel...
What I THOUGHT I was getting was the old 1980 film Hanger 18. Nope, I ended up with a SyFy channel POS staring Bruce Boxleitner and a bunch of other lame actors. I love it when they do the ridiculous shark movies, but the alien crap is just blaaaa. It's good to fill in a Saturday afternoon when it's too hot or too cold to go out side. In other words, when you can't escape it.
All I'll bother you with is this: It's a movie about trapped aliens getting loose at Area 51. They chop up a lot of people, and almost everyone dies in the end. Even Bruce. It's a crappy movie.
But then again, I guess it's not THAT bad. They didn't use any CGI crap, and the monsters were all true F/X, but it didn't explain whey their were 3 different species of aliens. Did they all come on the same ship? Did they come in separate vehicles? Is this the only work Bruce Boxleitner can get? I can only answer that last one, and it's 'YES'. Did you ever see Transmorphers 2? Nobody but me has, and that's the best he can get now. But not all's lost. He can still act circles around the rest of these community theater rejects. So at least he's got that going on.
Whatever, I'm going to stream Miami Vice on Hulu.
Tuesday: It sounds like a seedy motel...
Sunday, October 9, 2016
It came from 1977...
Tool Box Murders
Bare with me. This shouldn't be so complicated of a story, but I'm going to make it that way.
We start with a car accident, and a young woman dies. The very next scene is of a man killing two young women for no obvious reason. Just hacks and slashes with a hammer, drags the bodies around and leaves them. Next up is killing a woman in the tub because apparently, he's not into self-love like she is. Did he ever stop to think that that might a contributing factor to his disposition? And on top of that, he kidnaps the upstairs neighbors daughter.
After the murders, The nephew of the apartment complex owner and the brother of the kidnapping victim go all Hardy Boys and start "investigating" the murders. By the middle of the movie, we know the murder is the apartment complex owner. Apparently, that car accident from the beginning of the movie caused him a bit of stress and he snapped. The brother starts putting 2 and 2 together, and figures this out as well when he finds the tool box full of murder weapons. The nephew shows up and explains to him that he needs to protect his family and throws gas on the brother and lights him on fire. Like a total jerk.
But the next scene pisses me off. While the brother is burning in the garage, the neph walks in on his uncle and the kidnap victim and starts to go nutters because of the way the uncle is treating her (like his child that died in the car accident) and acts all appalled at this. Pretty short memory for someone who JUST killed an innocent young man by burning him to death not 20 feet away in the garage. Kind of pious and hypocritical if you ask me.
What a ham-fisted attempt to make a horror movie out of a 'based on a true story' script. The acting was just terrible at first, then got slightly better. Or I could have sunk to their level and was just desensitized by the end. All of the kill scenes were choppy, forced, and nobody seemed to be in a hurry, especially the murderer. Good riddance to this turd.
Monday: ALIENS!!!...no, not the really good James Cameron movie...
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| There's a lot more full frontal than I was expecting. |
Bare with me. This shouldn't be so complicated of a story, but I'm going to make it that way.
We start with a car accident, and a young woman dies. The very next scene is of a man killing two young women for no obvious reason. Just hacks and slashes with a hammer, drags the bodies around and leaves them. Next up is killing a woman in the tub because apparently, he's not into self-love like she is. Did he ever stop to think that that might a contributing factor to his disposition? And on top of that, he kidnaps the upstairs neighbors daughter.
After the murders, The nephew of the apartment complex owner and the brother of the kidnapping victim go all Hardy Boys and start "investigating" the murders. By the middle of the movie, we know the murder is the apartment complex owner. Apparently, that car accident from the beginning of the movie caused him a bit of stress and he snapped. The brother starts putting 2 and 2 together, and figures this out as well when he finds the tool box full of murder weapons. The nephew shows up and explains to him that he needs to protect his family and throws gas on the brother and lights him on fire. Like a total jerk.
But the next scene pisses me off. While the brother is burning in the garage, the neph walks in on his uncle and the kidnap victim and starts to go nutters because of the way the uncle is treating her (like his child that died in the car accident) and acts all appalled at this. Pretty short memory for someone who JUST killed an innocent young man by burning him to death not 20 feet away in the garage. Kind of pious and hypocritical if you ask me.
What a ham-fisted attempt to make a horror movie out of a 'based on a true story' script. The acting was just terrible at first, then got slightly better. Or I could have sunk to their level and was just desensitized by the end. All of the kill scenes were choppy, forced, and nobody seemed to be in a hurry, especially the murderer. Good riddance to this turd.
Monday: ALIENS!!!...no, not the really good James Cameron movie...
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Leave my cat alone, you sick nut-job!!!
Re-Animator
Based on the HP Lovecraft story, we meet creepy Herbert West in Switzerland "ALLEGEDLY" trying to bring his professor back to life by injecting him with some magic serum. Instead, the serum makes the poor professors eyes explode and die again. Swing, and a miss....
We next find him Stateside, starting new classes at a university and immediately hits it off with his professor by basically calling him a hack. Next, he rooms up with a fellow student, and also hits it off with his new roommate by re-animating his dead cat. Then he reanimates a corpse, and it kills the Dean of the University. Then he re-animates said Dean...This guy KNOWS how to make friends.
The rest of the film develops into another story filled with double-cross, black mail, and a whole lot more nudity than I was expecting. Seeing a bare-ass 40-something female corpse dance around was actually refreshing. They could have gone with a bimbo. Same with the males. Droopy, sagging moobs and receding hairlines. And the crowning scene? Attempted Decapitated Cunnilingus:
Based on the HP Lovecraft story, we meet creepy Herbert West in Switzerland "ALLEGEDLY" trying to bring his professor back to life by injecting him with some magic serum. Instead, the serum makes the poor professors eyes explode and die again. Swing, and a miss....
We next find him Stateside, starting new classes at a university and immediately hits it off with his professor by basically calling him a hack. Next, he rooms up with a fellow student, and also hits it off with his new roommate by re-animating his dead cat. Then he reanimates a corpse, and it kills the Dean of the University. Then he re-animates said Dean...This guy KNOWS how to make friends.
The rest of the film develops into another story filled with double-cross, black mail, and a whole lot more nudity than I was expecting. Seeing a bare-ass 40-something female corpse dance around was actually refreshing. They could have gone with a bimbo. Same with the males. Droopy, sagging moobs and receding hairlines. And the crowning scene? Attempted Decapitated Cunnilingus:
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| Can I show boobs here? Meh..I'm showing boobs.... |
Sunday: The right tool for the job....
Friday, October 7, 2016
I HATE gingerbread men...
GingerDead Man 2: The Passion of the Crust
<sigh>...Here I am again, watching stupid walking-talking cookie disguised as a horror franchise star. Once again, I've set myself up to watch an absolutely terrible movie. I knew it was before I saw it, but I picked it out anyway. I knew it would be groan inducing, but I said to myself 'yeah, I want to see this'.
Our shitty little cookie cutter star is back, and running rampant on the set of a super-low budget film studio. His mission? To get into a real body. Then things get convoluted because there's also a terrorist bombing plot as a side story...that happens at about the 3/4 mark. There's some stabbing, some chopping, anal electrocution, and the best part...the credits!
Would you believe this is actually better than the first film? For reals, it is! But that's not saying much. At one point, puppets showed up (including one made out of a dildo) and spiked that stupid cookie to a cross and lit him on fire.
Thankfully, it's only 67 minutes so you won't be in pain for too long.
Activities include:
Murder!
Masturbation!
Punny One-Liners!
Cookie Crucifixion!
SATURDAY: Let's go sailing on the Lovecraft....
<sigh>...Here I am again, watching stupid walking-talking cookie disguised as a horror franchise star. Once again, I've set myself up to watch an absolutely terrible movie. I knew it was before I saw it, but I picked it out anyway. I knew it would be groan inducing, but I said to myself 'yeah, I want to see this'.
Our shitty little cookie cutter star is back, and running rampant on the set of a super-low budget film studio. His mission? To get into a real body. Then things get convoluted because there's also a terrorist bombing plot as a side story...that happens at about the 3/4 mark. There's some stabbing, some chopping, anal electrocution, and the best part...the credits!
Would you believe this is actually better than the first film? For reals, it is! But that's not saying much. At one point, puppets showed up (including one made out of a dildo) and spiked that stupid cookie to a cross and lit him on fire.
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| Second from the left? Yeah....that's a plastic dick. |
Thankfully, it's only 67 minutes so you won't be in pain for too long.
Activities include:
Murder!
Masturbation!
Punny One-Liners!
Cookie Crucifixion!
SATURDAY: Let's go sailing on the Lovecraft....
Thursday, October 6, 2016
Cannibalistic Humanoid Underground Dweller...
Or C.H.U.D. for short
In 1984, all I really cared about was playing with my friends, watching He-Man kick the hell out of Skeletor, and Garbage Pail Kids. We didn't have a VHS player, so we had to rent the machine overnight and grab a couple tapes. I was never allowed to rent a horror film, but I always walked through them to check out the sleeves and always wondered just how scary they really were. One that always caught my eye was C.H.U.D. Time to find out if this would have scared me...
We start with a hapless woman walking her dog in the street at night in NYC. Not sure why she's walking down the MIDDLE of the street, but there she is. As she nears a manhole cover, something nasty reaches out of it and sucks her and her poor dogie in. We've met our first C.H.U.D.!
Strange things start happening in the sewers and the homeless that live down there beginning to arm themselves. 3 different people start investigating the oddities and watching them converge to the same conclusion is done really well. While this wasn't a big budget film, the writing is very strong in ways that we're not used to seeing. But also ham-fisted in other scenes. But you'll find yourself ignoring them or smiling to yourself when you remember this was an '80s horror flick involving NYCPD. This includes one of the most improbable car explosions I've ever seen. As far as the F/X go, it seemed at first that they were going to be cheesy and cheap. But they knew which scene to spend the money on and where to skimp.
Call it a period piece, but I liked it. I remember a lot of the 80s, and this brings me back to a time when there was no internet, no cell phones, no CGI, and no Michael Bay. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to go back there, but it's nice to check in on it every once in a while.
Future star watch:
Daniel Stern!
John Goodman!
Friday: Oh, you're a stupid little half-assed cookie/cracker hybrid....
Wednesday, October 5, 2016
I can't believe I put off a Devils game to watch this stoner 'horror' film...
Evil Bong 2: Devils Harvest or King Bong
As you know, I'm compulsive with sequels, and once I start, I need to finish the series. For some damn reason, I once watched Evil Bong. I thought it would be a light, silly film. Oh, and I was right, but I forgot about how out of touch I am with drug culture. Or never was, to be honest. So here I am, on a Wednesday night, watching the sequel to a movie about sentient bongs and a bunch of pot smoking dude-bros. I could be watching hockey, but no. I made a commitment to watch this damn film. Let the groans begin....
The dude-bros start to notice symptoms from their last encounter with Eebee the talking bong. Most notably, insatiable appetite, narcolepsy, and increased libido. But all individually, and all to the extreme. One has morning wood attacks all day, one gains 500 lbs, and so on. They travel to a jungle to track the roots of Eebee and to find a cure for these ailments. Once there, they smoke some 'killer' weed and are cured (groan). But that's only half of this lame story, which is odd because I didn't think there was enough plot to break into 2 pieces. Anyhoo, the other half is they find an even bigger sentient bong named King Bong and he's protected by a tribe of naked hotties named the Poontang tribe (groan). Hits are taken, some bewbs are seen, and an amulet is smashed, the movies over, and I'm out 90 minutes of my life. This is hard to say, but the first movie actually had a deeper plot. Otherwise, same corny weed puns, same dude-bro speak, and I'm just glad it's over.
Some highlights or whatever:
I didn't bother to learn anybody's name other than Rabbit, the delivery guy
Rabbit is turned into a giant jay and almost smoked
How the hell did they string this out for almost 90 minutes? I could only shake out a paragraph.
Thursday: The genesis of Bud
As you know, I'm compulsive with sequels, and once I start, I need to finish the series. For some damn reason, I once watched Evil Bong. I thought it would be a light, silly film. Oh, and I was right, but I forgot about how out of touch I am with drug culture. Or never was, to be honest. So here I am, on a Wednesday night, watching the sequel to a movie about sentient bongs and a bunch of pot smoking dude-bros. I could be watching hockey, but no. I made a commitment to watch this damn film. Let the groans begin....
The dude-bros start to notice symptoms from their last encounter with Eebee the talking bong. Most notably, insatiable appetite, narcolepsy, and increased libido. But all individually, and all to the extreme. One has morning wood attacks all day, one gains 500 lbs, and so on. They travel to a jungle to track the roots of Eebee and to find a cure for these ailments. Once there, they smoke some 'killer' weed and are cured (groan). But that's only half of this lame story, which is odd because I didn't think there was enough plot to break into 2 pieces. Anyhoo, the other half is they find an even bigger sentient bong named King Bong and he's protected by a tribe of naked hotties named the Poontang tribe (groan). Hits are taken, some bewbs are seen, and an amulet is smashed, the movies over, and I'm out 90 minutes of my life. This is hard to say, but the first movie actually had a deeper plot. Otherwise, same corny weed puns, same dude-bro speak, and I'm just glad it's over.
Some highlights or whatever:
I didn't bother to learn anybody's name other than Rabbit, the delivery guy
Rabbit is turned into a giant jay and almost smoked
How the hell did they string this out for almost 90 minutes? I could only shake out a paragraph.
Thursday: The genesis of Bud
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
If it involves a prison, butt-holes are sure to be near...
Human Centipede 3: The Final Sequence
The good news is, we are told, this is the last one. That means no more ass-to-mouth horror fetish.
We 'finish' the series in a prison run by seriously disturbed and unstable warden played by the doctor from the first film. The plan is to maintain better control of the prisoners by turning them, you guessed it, into a human prisoner centipede. That's the long of the short. Clearly, this prison has no oversight whatsoever. Even with the governor visiting early in the film, it is clear that nobody checks on how crazy this place is. Not only is the warden completely out of his mind, but the prison doctor doesn't even have a license. That's pretty much the only reason the he goes along with the plan.
I can't tell if this is a departure from the first two, or the third in an over the top franchise. What I do know is, the warden LOVES to yell! He spends the first hour YELLING AT EVERYTHING!!! It's just annoying. Nonetheless, the process begins, and everyone is sewed together, ass to mouth. And thankfully, they show most of the procedure this time....just in case you had any curiosity about that.
Sadly, that's about it. There's not much meat on this boner of a film, but I did take tally of some unusual things:
Castration!
Abdominal incision rape!
Comatose rape!
Poop eating!
Eric Roberts!
The good news is, we are told, this is the last one. That means no more ass-to-mouth horror fetish.
We 'finish' the series in a prison run by seriously disturbed and unstable warden played by the doctor from the first film. The plan is to maintain better control of the prisoners by turning them, you guessed it, into a human prisoner centipede. That's the long of the short. Clearly, this prison has no oversight whatsoever. Even with the governor visiting early in the film, it is clear that nobody checks on how crazy this place is. Not only is the warden completely out of his mind, but the prison doctor doesn't even have a license. That's pretty much the only reason the he goes along with the plan.
I can't tell if this is a departure from the first two, or the third in an over the top franchise. What I do know is, the warden LOVES to yell! He spends the first hour YELLING AT EVERYTHING!!! It's just annoying. Nonetheless, the process begins, and everyone is sewed together, ass to mouth. And thankfully, they show most of the procedure this time....just in case you had any curiosity about that.
 |
| Tom Six is an ass freak. |
Castration!
Abdominal incision rape!
Comatose rape!
Poop eating!
Eric Roberts!
Wednesday: What was I smoking when I picked this out?
Monday, October 3, 2016
Well, what did you expect? It's another damn Nazi zombie movie.
Dead Snow 2: Red vs Dead
So we pretty much start where the first film left off. Nazi zombies just wanna have fu-uun. And by fun, I mean slaughter lots of people trying to steal their gold. At this time, I'd like to point out that they probably stole it from Jews. So it's not like it was really theirs to begin with. But they're Nazis. This is just one of the many horrible things they do. Since the zombies were woken in the first film, it's time they got busy and accomplish their original mission: Destroy some stupid town. In the first movie, the Nazombies were simple. They just chased and killed. In this film, they're much more active in things like recruiting, killing, and administering magical powers. Yeah, that last one is a new one. Instead of using zombie bites to infect and propagate, they now use a magical power to wake them once they've been killed. It involves touching them with an enchanted hand. After some arm swapping early in the film, it's now become apparent that in order to combat the Nazombie army, you need to find a graveyard filled with Red Army POW's and wake them up through a process called “magic transplanted arm re-animating”.
I know it's been a couple of years since I saw the first film, but I don't remember it being this silly. It really had a more serious tone for a horror movie. But from the start of this film, that veneer fell away quickly as I watched a scene in which Nazi tank drivers used a victims upper intestine to siphon fuel from a bus to a tank. A tank, I might add, that was a static display and probably hadn't moved in 70+ years. But hey, it's a Nazi zombie movie. Try not to over think it. And as always, I have proof:
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| I know you're zombies, but don't you think you should rinse that out first? You know what's in it, right? |
Tuesday: Time for the third sequence....
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